[ ] - Told you so

Can you tell yourself, I told you so?

I don't think you can, becuase you'd obviously have had to have known that you'd already known it.... so for all intents and purposes you'd already have known so, so the telling of yourself that you told yourself, would be emensely redundant in the worst way.

Regardless.... Here I am. Here I find myself, on the eighteenth of December... what once should have been a day full of love and happiness and all of that other good stuff... ends on the most somber of notes... As i begin to lay down for bed, and let out a weary sigh... Jaden asks me if i'm ok... to which I reply 'i'll be fine...' and she responds by saying, that doenst mean your ok, and I said, no, it doesn't... and within another half second she was sound asleep.

sets up a real good night for me, yeah?

Ace called back just before that, to appologize for what he'd said and done earlier in the night and to take it all back. convinient for them both so they can go to sleep feeling all warm and fuzzy inside, knowing theres someone out there who loves them.

Boy, was it hard to hear her tell him that, tonight... "I love you back..." heh. she told me that, once.

she's not even .with. him and she's telling him that... in the very same night that he just tried to tell her he didn't even want to .talk. to her anymore... she's telling him that.

But, when we were together and I was... how does she put it... 'perfect on paper', she couldn't even barely tell me that.

heh. My lot in life, yeah?

so now, on this day... i sit alone. On the couch in the living room, while she sleeps peacefully in bed, probably dreaming of him and that glorious future that they have waiting for them...

Am I upset? yes. yes I am.

becuase i'm back where i've been since she dumped me. On the outside, looking in. Still saying all the right things, still doing all the right things, still being all the right person... and still not being let into her heart... because thats where he is. because thats where he belongs.

And there just isn't a damned thing that I'll ever be able to do about it.

I love her, and I'll love her to death. But, I just don't think she'll ever stop loving him.

And i'll never be able to be anything but second best.

And i'd probably even settle for that, scary as it may seem... but i know she'd never let me... she'd rather be .not. together with him, and deal with the ups and downs and the twists and turns and the hot and cold, than be together with me.

Hard to swallow. Yes, it is.

but, thats just it, ya know?

No matter how much she remembers us, and no matter how much she still doesn't understand why, she makes no moves, no mentions, no nothing in the direction of re-thinking her decision, not once... not ever, re-thinking her action of throwing me and all we had together away, on the off chance that maybe, sometime, someday, she and him might find someway, to work things out...

I don't even want to sleep, tonight. I already know the nightmares i'll be having... Knowing now that she's going to be leaving on saturday, going back to her hometown, going back to see him. For two days, only to come back for two days, then to leave again for christmas, to come back for a day, to leave again for six days...

*heavy sigh*

Right about now I just want to go outside, find a ditch to lay down in, and let the sleet and ice and freezing rain and snow just turn me into a very dead, very unfeeling corpse.

Then it would all be over.

Then it would all be done.

But we all know I can't do that. No. I can't, because it would hurt my family. It woudl hurt my friends. And it would hurt her. Isn't that messed up? maybe just a little... that I can't do that because I don't want it to hurt her?

Yeah, maybe a little messed up... but its still true.

*heavy sigh* I normally am much more composed than this... think its just the day... just the eighteenth of December... Think I'll be alright. Think I'll be ok. Think a lot of things...