[ ] - gone

Well she just left for her mini-trip to Ace's parents place.

Hope the roads are clean and safe and she gets there ok.

Hope she has fun with his parents and enjoys the chinese food and all of that.

Hope she gets back safely and early tomorrow morning.

Hope.

Gone.

Well. What can I say? We talked. heh. I talked.

I don't even want to go through it all. Rather not relive parts of it.

She wants to move out. *small shrug* again its nothing wrong here at home. Its nothign I've done or said, and theres nothing broken in the current arrangement.

but she wants to move out.

Wants to live on her own, independently. Doesn't see a future here so doesn't want to stay.

its change for the sake of change. Thats what I see.

And i tried so hard, like i always do... to show her my side, my perspective, my outlook. And she listens. But does she hear?

we only had an hour and ten minutes to talk... Before she had to leave. And it was no where near enough time. Always seems to be that way, too... Whenever she and I get into too serious of a discussion, something always cuts it short, and the moments gone... and any subsequent convo's are just not very productive because of it.

time.

Thats all that is needed. Time. Time to adjust, time to learn, time to grow. Time.

Time for her and I to get our own sets of friends to hang out with, time for us to slowly stop doing everything together, time to slowly space ourselves out away from each other.

Slow. Time. Patience. Gradual change.

These are things that I live by... These are things that Jaden avoids completely.

Or so it would seem. I think that she thinks the only way to get to the end, the only way for us to accomplish all of the stuff we need to, is the immediate. She moves out, and therefore we can't do everything together. problem solved. but no. There .is. another way. And it hurts a lot less, and keeps a lots of people happier in the end. gradually, slowly, patiently, taking the time needed to change. To get to where we need to be.

She calls this place home.

Why try to leave?

I don't understand, and thats what makes it the hardest.

Same as the breakup, I can't point my finger at something and say that that, or this, or those things caused it. All I can do is look over at her and point and say, she decided, and therefore it is.

And how hard is that?

hard.

She doesn't know lonely like I do. From home, to the dorms, to the college apts, and the friends places she stayed at over the summers, to here... She's never been on her own. not really. I have. It sucks. Just one day, into the next. Fighting and scraping to get past it, to get on with it, to move forward to the next day, just to do it over again. You never hear laughter, or a smile in someones voice... Never have someone to just plop down on the couch next to and just look at them and laugh, or cry, when you need to.

Its just you. And thats it. That is .it. yeah... you can play video games... for awhile... yeah, you can read books, for awhile... yeah, you can watch movies or tv, for awhile... But... only for so long... Then you're ultimately reminded... Your alone. Its just .you. and that is it.

Idk...

part of me is telling myself to just accept it now, and get prepared for it. Because thats ussually how it works. She thinks it, she does it. She listens to the objections or the advice, but does it anyway... But I can't seem to do that, ever. I've always got to fight it. Always have to try. Try so damned hard to say something or do something or show her something to change her mind.

She .has. to stay here... this is .our. home. I dont' care that we're not together, she's my best friend, the closest person in my life... And this is .our. home.

Ugh.

Time to go see mom and sis. Do this birthday thing and do it right. Not sure what I'll do when I get home, since she won't be here... maybe there'll be some decent movies on tonight or something... maybe she'll be half-way talkative... maybe.

in other un-related news, i was saddened to hear today that she got a message from Ace a few days ago, that summed up to a 'despite the weekend trip and the decent outcome there-of, he still can't accept things as they are and prolly isn't talking to her for a bit' type of thing...

She said he's probably just reacting to everything and he'll probably get over it and come around eventually... But i can't imagine that it helps her out at all, especially with all that she's got on her plate already and the need to straighten everything out.

i've gotta go... More later i'm sure...

So here i am, days over... Lack of comms from Jaden tonight... but i suppose that can't really be too much of a surprise, she prolly just needs some space, anyway. I can't stop imagining life here in the apt without her.

Its not even that I don't realize that eventually we won't be able to live together anymore. I mean, I get that. I really do. But, I'm not ready for it yet... I want to have a game plan... I want to have an out... some friends, and a steady emotional foundation. I'm not there right now. I will be someday, but i'm not right now.

I get that she wants to try out independence, and all of that. But, i feel like she could stand to wait awhile for it... Make sure that her finances are all in order... make sure she knows exactly what she's getting into... Give me a chance to do the same...

What can I do to show her that our arrangment is still mutually beneficial, and not at all harmful?

What can I say or do to get her to slow her roll, just a bit?

More questions, without answers... just what I need, the very week i finally got rid of all the old questions and made peace with my position in life. ..

I think i just need to go to bed now... i mean, i can't keep hearing something and thinking she's coming through the door... its just sad. maybe a decent nights sleep could somehow prepare me for the rest of this weekend... To keep fighting this battle that I'm not even sure i have even the smallest chance of influencing... Because I just can't and won't give up. period.