Things had been going ok... Kind of... I called her last night on my way to work... and we talked for almost the whole way there. She sounded happy... We were getting along. Things seemed to be good... I thought... I was happy. She answered when i called, and we'd actually talked. I'd mentioned maybe we could hang out sometime after her class at the college, since i work near there a couple hours after she gets done with class, and she seemed to at least be ok with the idea...
So i worked... and it was pretty good. Got plenty of excersize walking the warehouse... and my mind was occupied... didn't think a whole lot... and then i came home today... had a daydream about us getting back together (a regular occurence these days) and then i got home... Hopped onto facebook, and what did i find?
Her top friends... updated. I'd been demoted... From first to seventh... and a guy... from our unit... one that i'd gotten the sick stomach feeling about before, he's been added to her top friends now... I'm over-reacting and I know it. And theres nothing i can do about anything anyway... so it makes no sense to get upset about it...
So why am I?
Is it because i haven't demoted her from my top friends first position? Is it because I can't? Is it because things went so nicely last night... that i tricked myself... Did i set myself up for this by creating some sort of false hope?
I'm not sure what it is... but i know I hurt. I hurt... I hurt every day. *sighs*
I sent a message to our mutual best friend... and i feel horrible about it. I've tried these past three weeks to leave her out of it... i don't want to put her into that position... but i did today. its done... I can't go back and change it... I feel bad. Its not her fault that I messed up... Its not her fault that my gf broke up with me... And its not her fault that i can't handle things...
I shouldn't have sent it to her... I had no right... Maybe she'll just ignore it... like my gf seems to be ignoring the last few messages that i've sent her....
I don't know... But i can feel that sickness starting to come back to my stomach all of a sudden... That anxiety that i'd finally seemed to get rid of... I'm feeling it coming back now... Is she getting over me?
I want her to get better... I want her to be successful in working on the issues that she needs to work on... But... Is she getting over me, too? Is she going to leave me behind? when she's better? Is she already working on that, too? Is she getting ready to move on with her life? To go off in that new direction, without me?
Oh god i hope not... I don't know what i'll do if that happens... If she ends up with someone else... And I end up all alone... Would I still be able to be her friend, then? Or would it just hurt too much? Not something i should think about, i suppose... since i can't control it... but still...
I should try and sleep, it was a long day at work and i've got four more to make it through yet this week...
30.10.07
28.10.07
Nightmare
So... its been three weeks now. Its still so hard to believe. Definitely not ok... The sailing got a little smoother last week, but the past couple days have been really rough... Had a real bad dream/nightmare a couple days back... Really shook me up.
I'd been doing pretty good at leaving her alone, especially while she was out of town last weekend, but this week has been real hard, especially after that nightmare... all my thoughts and feelings rushed back to the surface and i wanted to call her and tell her about it, and tell her again that i missed her so much and missed us so much and that i wasn't ok... It took all my willpower to not do it.
Started working friday night... wasn't too bad, but the people i was working with both nights seemed to feel that it was necessary to tell me their entire life history... and being nice as i am i listened and talked back... which managed to consistently bring up all sorts of memories of times spent with her, or apart from her while we were together, which just fed into the sink hole my hearts found itself in this weekend... working at night all i could do was look up into the stars and think about exactly how lonely i really am...
its come down to it, that, my new go to friend has become my little sister. Which is good in a way, because we are developing a closer relationship because of it... but at the same time its not so good, because... well, she's my sister... My old guy friends, that i had before i deployed don't ever call or text anymore... Whenever they do stuff, they don't let me know... seems like they've moved on without me... Haven't had them return a call or text either... so, i'm pretty much out of luck there...
The only other friends i've got are mine and hers mutual best friend, and her cousin, both of whom live over thirty minutes away, and either work or have school all week, and have their own friends on the weekends too.
She's returning my texts... sort of. Tried to call the other night but no answer, and she doesn't seem like she wants to talk right now... I'm not sure if its just the bad place i've found my emotions in right now, or what... but i'm getting the feeling like she's sorta boxing me out...
I've lost the impression of being a friend... and I definitely feel alot more like the annoying ex-boyfriend who keeps bothering her and can't take the hint that she doesn't want anything to do with him anymore... And thats a feeling thats getting stronger and harder to shake... And i don't like it...
Because I'm trying. I'm trying to do what she asked of me. I'm trying to be a friend. Trying to stifle the rest of me that wants everything else, trying to not call or text too much... doing my best to keep everything i say as neutral as possible... And I feel like all thats happening is she's getting more and more used to life without me, while all i'm getting is more and more depressed and upset and heartbroken...
*sighs* I just don't know... I don't know what to do... She's super busy next week, so theres no way i'm going to get a chance to see her, even if she'd agree to it at this point... And i don't think i'll be able to call, either... So that will make it a full two weeks since i'd seen or talked to her, and having drill this coming weekend she'll have to play catchup with school and work after that... so its probably going to be another couple of weeks before the chance will even surface enough for me to bring it up and ask about it...
I just... This is so hard. Its so hard to feel this way... To be in this position, to love her, and need her, and want her, and miss her... And to have her not needing me... and to know that I caused it... To know that its my fault... That my poor decisions and assholish behavior is the reason that i'm hurting like this... To know that I hurt her... And hurt her enough that she left me... And its because of that that I feel the way i do...
I feel so worthless. So much like i'm wasting space and air... Like i don't matter. She doesn't need me. Its obvious. She's doing just fine without me. But i'm a wreck. I'm a complete mess and things aren't getting any better or easier with time. I've come to the point now, where i've begun to think to myself, that maybe i should just let her go. Maybe its better for her that way... She's doing fine. She seems happy. I catch myself thinking about it. thinking should i let her be? Stop hoping or dreaming that someday she'll take me back? Let her go find someone else... who won't hurt her like I did?
Those thoughts hurt the worst... Because its the last thing that I want. I want to be with her... I need to be with her... I love her... But its painfully obvious that she doesn't need me. And who am I fooling to think that when she gets better... When she works through what she needs to work through on her own... Who am i fooling to think that she'll want to come back to ME?
I don't know what to do or think anymore... I just want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep, and never wake up again. Driving home from work today, i thought about just drifting off the highway... It was probably the most selfish thing i've ever thought... But i can't deny the fact that it crossed my mind. It wouldn't be fair to my family... To my little sister, or my mother... and it wouldn't be fair to her... But I thought about it... and i've thought about it before, too. More so lately...
*sighs*
I feel like i'm waiting for a sign... of some kind... But I'm terrified of what that sign might be, and what it might be telling me...
I'd been doing pretty good at leaving her alone, especially while she was out of town last weekend, but this week has been real hard, especially after that nightmare... all my thoughts and feelings rushed back to the surface and i wanted to call her and tell her about it, and tell her again that i missed her so much and missed us so much and that i wasn't ok... It took all my willpower to not do it.
Started working friday night... wasn't too bad, but the people i was working with both nights seemed to feel that it was necessary to tell me their entire life history... and being nice as i am i listened and talked back... which managed to consistently bring up all sorts of memories of times spent with her, or apart from her while we were together, which just fed into the sink hole my hearts found itself in this weekend... working at night all i could do was look up into the stars and think about exactly how lonely i really am...
its come down to it, that, my new go to friend has become my little sister. Which is good in a way, because we are developing a closer relationship because of it... but at the same time its not so good, because... well, she's my sister... My old guy friends, that i had before i deployed don't ever call or text anymore... Whenever they do stuff, they don't let me know... seems like they've moved on without me... Haven't had them return a call or text either... so, i'm pretty much out of luck there...
The only other friends i've got are mine and hers mutual best friend, and her cousin, both of whom live over thirty minutes away, and either work or have school all week, and have their own friends on the weekends too.
She's returning my texts... sort of. Tried to call the other night but no answer, and she doesn't seem like she wants to talk right now... I'm not sure if its just the bad place i've found my emotions in right now, or what... but i'm getting the feeling like she's sorta boxing me out...
I've lost the impression of being a friend... and I definitely feel alot more like the annoying ex-boyfriend who keeps bothering her and can't take the hint that she doesn't want anything to do with him anymore... And thats a feeling thats getting stronger and harder to shake... And i don't like it...
Because I'm trying. I'm trying to do what she asked of me. I'm trying to be a friend. Trying to stifle the rest of me that wants everything else, trying to not call or text too much... doing my best to keep everything i say as neutral as possible... And I feel like all thats happening is she's getting more and more used to life without me, while all i'm getting is more and more depressed and upset and heartbroken...
*sighs* I just don't know... I don't know what to do... She's super busy next week, so theres no way i'm going to get a chance to see her, even if she'd agree to it at this point... And i don't think i'll be able to call, either... So that will make it a full two weeks since i'd seen or talked to her, and having drill this coming weekend she'll have to play catchup with school and work after that... so its probably going to be another couple of weeks before the chance will even surface enough for me to bring it up and ask about it...
I just... This is so hard. Its so hard to feel this way... To be in this position, to love her, and need her, and want her, and miss her... And to have her not needing me... and to know that I caused it... To know that its my fault... That my poor decisions and assholish behavior is the reason that i'm hurting like this... To know that I hurt her... And hurt her enough that she left me... And its because of that that I feel the way i do...
I feel so worthless. So much like i'm wasting space and air... Like i don't matter. She doesn't need me. Its obvious. She's doing just fine without me. But i'm a wreck. I'm a complete mess and things aren't getting any better or easier with time. I've come to the point now, where i've begun to think to myself, that maybe i should just let her go. Maybe its better for her that way... She's doing fine. She seems happy. I catch myself thinking about it. thinking should i let her be? Stop hoping or dreaming that someday she'll take me back? Let her go find someone else... who won't hurt her like I did?
Those thoughts hurt the worst... Because its the last thing that I want. I want to be with her... I need to be with her... I love her... But its painfully obvious that she doesn't need me. And who am I fooling to think that when she gets better... When she works through what she needs to work through on her own... Who am i fooling to think that she'll want to come back to ME?
I don't know what to do or think anymore... I just want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep, and never wake up again. Driving home from work today, i thought about just drifting off the highway... It was probably the most selfish thing i've ever thought... But i can't deny the fact that it crossed my mind. It wouldn't be fair to my family... To my little sister, or my mother... and it wouldn't be fair to her... But I thought about it... and i've thought about it before, too. More so lately...
*sighs*
I feel like i'm waiting for a sign... of some kind... But I'm terrified of what that sign might be, and what it might be telling me...
21.10.07
go figure...
So... I did a bad thing... Go figure, huh? *sighs*
True to form, me being a sentimental, nostalgic type... Went ahead and re-read a bunch of facebook messages between me and her... dating back to oct of 2006...
And they were stuffed full of the good times... The happiness, the love, the giddy flirting... Talking about how we couldn't stand to be apart... couldn't wait till we could be together again, in each others arms... how we hated all the other couples... How much we meant to each other, and how we were worth the trouble and the wait and the distance....
The little tiffs that we had and worked through... All of it... Things were so perfect... Before I started to change... Before we got so busy... Before I let her down...
Me and my sis went to see a movie last night... with the mutual best friend and my girlfriends cousin, who pretty much became my cousin too... Well, thinking about it, the mutual best friend is more like another sister for me too, but anyway... we went and saw the nightmare before christmas in 3d... and that was one of my gf's favorite movies... It definately tugged at me... Felt like she should have been there... Granted she was out of town and busy like i said earlier... but... She should have been there, sitting in the chair next to me... the armrest shouldn't have been pulled down, and my arm should have been around her... She should have been clutching at me when the 3d pumpkin heads and stuff shot out towards us...
I finally broke down tonight and texted her... today was supposed to be the last day she was out of town, and i wanted to know that she made it back ok... she was still on the road... said it was dark and she'd talk to me later... i asked her to let me know when she got home safe, if she had the chance... I know that its probably out of line... one of those thigns that i'm supposed to think abotu... "Would i say or do this to any other of my friends?" type of thing, since i'm trying to be just her friend right now, and nothing more... But its sort of on the line... I think... Because if i knew one of my friends was going on a long driving trip like that... i'd like to know they're safe...
I just hope she doesn't get upset abotu it... But i had to... Maybe thats why i went and read all that stuff... Cause she's on my mind... Always is... Unless i'm busy... Got to stay busy... but thats hard to do when its time to go to bed... Didn't sleep last night... hoping i'll do better tonight, but after that reading i'm not so sure...
I keep dreaming... about possible ways that we'll get back together, in the future... Its not all that harmful, I suppose... But i'm trying to stop it, anyway... Because there is no garuntee, not even a maybe from her side of things... and I'd rather not have my hopes up... Even though its all that I want. I just think that maybe if its not on my mind... I'll have an easier time at being, just a friend...
*sighs again*
I just have to let go... Have faith... If anythings meant to be, it will happen... I've just got to concentrate on the moment... and once its over, then concentrate on the next... No reason to be looking ahead right now... to many uncertainties that direction... Too much unknown.
So thats about it then. I hope she made or makes it home ok tonight... and i hope she has a great nights sleep... Sweet dreams too, lord knows she deserves it. Maybe she'll actually contact me sometime next week... Instead of me having to initiate it... That would make me feel.... well i don't know exactly, but it would be nice to see happen. Either way i'll probably call her, or try to at least, after my first day back at work... Let her know how that goes and stuff...
I should probably try to get some sleep now... Bears won today, that was a great thing...
Good night.
True to form, me being a sentimental, nostalgic type... Went ahead and re-read a bunch of facebook messages between me and her... dating back to oct of 2006...
And they were stuffed full of the good times... The happiness, the love, the giddy flirting... Talking about how we couldn't stand to be apart... couldn't wait till we could be together again, in each others arms... how we hated all the other couples... How much we meant to each other, and how we were worth the trouble and the wait and the distance....
The little tiffs that we had and worked through... All of it... Things were so perfect... Before I started to change... Before we got so busy... Before I let her down...
Me and my sis went to see a movie last night... with the mutual best friend and my girlfriends cousin, who pretty much became my cousin too... Well, thinking about it, the mutual best friend is more like another sister for me too, but anyway... we went and saw the nightmare before christmas in 3d... and that was one of my gf's favorite movies... It definately tugged at me... Felt like she should have been there... Granted she was out of town and busy like i said earlier... but... She should have been there, sitting in the chair next to me... the armrest shouldn't have been pulled down, and my arm should have been around her... She should have been clutching at me when the 3d pumpkin heads and stuff shot out towards us...
I finally broke down tonight and texted her... today was supposed to be the last day she was out of town, and i wanted to know that she made it back ok... she was still on the road... said it was dark and she'd talk to me later... i asked her to let me know when she got home safe, if she had the chance... I know that its probably out of line... one of those thigns that i'm supposed to think abotu... "Would i say or do this to any other of my friends?" type of thing, since i'm trying to be just her friend right now, and nothing more... But its sort of on the line... I think... Because if i knew one of my friends was going on a long driving trip like that... i'd like to know they're safe...
I just hope she doesn't get upset abotu it... But i had to... Maybe thats why i went and read all that stuff... Cause she's on my mind... Always is... Unless i'm busy... Got to stay busy... but thats hard to do when its time to go to bed... Didn't sleep last night... hoping i'll do better tonight, but after that reading i'm not so sure...
I keep dreaming... about possible ways that we'll get back together, in the future... Its not all that harmful, I suppose... But i'm trying to stop it, anyway... Because there is no garuntee, not even a maybe from her side of things... and I'd rather not have my hopes up... Even though its all that I want. I just think that maybe if its not on my mind... I'll have an easier time at being, just a friend...
*sighs again*
I just have to let go... Have faith... If anythings meant to be, it will happen... I've just got to concentrate on the moment... and once its over, then concentrate on the next... No reason to be looking ahead right now... to many uncertainties that direction... Too much unknown.
So thats about it then. I hope she made or makes it home ok tonight... and i hope she has a great nights sleep... Sweet dreams too, lord knows she deserves it. Maybe she'll actually contact me sometime next week... Instead of me having to initiate it... That would make me feel.... well i don't know exactly, but it would be nice to see happen. Either way i'll probably call her, or try to at least, after my first day back at work... Let her know how that goes and stuff...
I should probably try to get some sleep now... Bears won today, that was a great thing...
Good night.
20.10.07
Another day
So, Its saturday... two weeks now since everything happened... Went out with some friends last night... things were good. we had dinner, a drink, did a little shopping... there was fun and laughter and it was good...
She's out of town this weekend... Busy too. I'm trying hard not to text her... Its working so far. I'm feeling pretty good abotu things... I had some trouble again last night... with the thinking/dreaming type stuff... but i just got sad, this time... which can only be expected... the sick stomach, shortness of breath, non of that hit me... I think thats a good sign.
*Shrugs a bit* talked to my friend, who's pretty much the best friend of both of us... and it was ok... I was afraid that there might have been some awkwardness there too, but there wasn't. Things may have changed between US... but plenty is still the same...
I start working again on thursday, and i'm working steadily on getting the stuff straightened out for school... Can't getin until the next semester... so i'll be just working for awhile... this is good so that i'll be making some cash... cash is nice... i'd like to be a little busier if i could. I have to start part time because thats what i was when i left... no info on when i might be able to switch over to full time... so i'll prolly try to start hitting the gym regularly... anything to occupy my attention right now will be good.
ack, gotta go pick up my sister from something... thats all for today i guess...
She's out of town this weekend... Busy too. I'm trying hard not to text her... Its working so far. I'm feeling pretty good abotu things... I had some trouble again last night... with the thinking/dreaming type stuff... but i just got sad, this time... which can only be expected... the sick stomach, shortness of breath, non of that hit me... I think thats a good sign.
*Shrugs a bit* talked to my friend, who's pretty much the best friend of both of us... and it was ok... I was afraid that there might have been some awkwardness there too, but there wasn't. Things may have changed between US... but plenty is still the same...
I start working again on thursday, and i'm working steadily on getting the stuff straightened out for school... Can't getin until the next semester... so i'll be just working for awhile... this is good so that i'll be making some cash... cash is nice... i'd like to be a little busier if i could. I have to start part time because thats what i was when i left... no info on when i might be able to switch over to full time... so i'll prolly try to start hitting the gym regularly... anything to occupy my attention right now will be good.
ack, gotta go pick up my sister from something... thats all for today i guess...
17.10.07
New Beginning?
Last night was bad... all i could think about was us... and how things were, and how i wanted them to be... I went and talked to her again this evening... I told her about how i was feeling. About my night and all the thoughts that i'd had... and we talked. and talked. there were some tears, some sighs... some shouts... But, I think things worked out the way they needed to.
I got some more insight into what was going on with her... And what it was that she was trying to accomplish and overcome... I also got put into a little bit of a different perspective...
Then my car died and she had to give me a jump... less than graceful, to be sure. She was great about it, then she had to go to class...
So as i was driving home, i thought about things... about how i was going to focus, on me. On what I needed to do... and how i was going to let go of us. And i realized, that letting go of us... and stopping the dreaming about the future us... didn't mean i had to let go of the past.
I don't have to forget about all we've done... All those good times we've had aren't tarnished, just because we aren't together anymore. We did some amazing things together, and had some great times. So, now, when i think about the present... I have to think of me... not of how to make me us again... and when i think about the future... well, right now, i guess isn't the best time to be thinking abotu the future anyway... but we'll always have the past... regardless of anything else.
We closed out a halmark in san antonio... got on the wrong ferry from ellis island in new york... had thanksgiving dinner at a ruby tuesdays in newark new jersey.... walked on the seashore at corpis christy... got lost on the bad side of philadelphia... hide and seek at the elementary school park, and summer night walks to nowhere. we were happy then... those times were happy. And they should be remembered as such.
So thats that. She needs me to be her friend. And i'm going to try my hardest to do that. If fate has anythign else left in store for us... it will let us know in its own way, when the time is right.
In other news...
I go to see my old bosses tomorrow, and to check into the unit, too. Hopefully i'll have a job by the end of it... and i hope i don't have to go to drill this month... cause its about that time that we do the pt testing... and i'm sure not ready for that.... ewww...
But, having a job, i think will be good... Get me out of the house and having a purpose... i'll stop watching so much daytime tv. lol. But, anywho... thats enough for tonight me thinks... Time to unwind... maybe watch a little you tube, and try to get some z's =)
I got some more insight into what was going on with her... And what it was that she was trying to accomplish and overcome... I also got put into a little bit of a different perspective...
Then my car died and she had to give me a jump... less than graceful, to be sure. She was great about it, then she had to go to class...
So as i was driving home, i thought about things... about how i was going to focus, on me. On what I needed to do... and how i was going to let go of us. And i realized, that letting go of us... and stopping the dreaming about the future us... didn't mean i had to let go of the past.
I don't have to forget about all we've done... All those good times we've had aren't tarnished, just because we aren't together anymore. We did some amazing things together, and had some great times. So, now, when i think about the present... I have to think of me... not of how to make me us again... and when i think about the future... well, right now, i guess isn't the best time to be thinking abotu the future anyway... but we'll always have the past... regardless of anything else.
We closed out a halmark in san antonio... got on the wrong ferry from ellis island in new york... had thanksgiving dinner at a ruby tuesdays in newark new jersey.... walked on the seashore at corpis christy... got lost on the bad side of philadelphia... hide and seek at the elementary school park, and summer night walks to nowhere. we were happy then... those times were happy. And they should be remembered as such.
So thats that. She needs me to be her friend. And i'm going to try my hardest to do that. If fate has anythign else left in store for us... it will let us know in its own way, when the time is right.
In other news...
I go to see my old bosses tomorrow, and to check into the unit, too. Hopefully i'll have a job by the end of it... and i hope i don't have to go to drill this month... cause its about that time that we do the pt testing... and i'm sure not ready for that.... ewww...
But, having a job, i think will be good... Get me out of the house and having a purpose... i'll stop watching so much daytime tv. lol. But, anywho... thats enough for tonight me thinks... Time to unwind... maybe watch a little you tube, and try to get some z's =)
16.10.07
A Tuesday Night... when will things be right?
So, i'm about to go to bed tonight, then... i'm feeling a lot better now... not so anxious... stomachs not hurting as bad... i actually ate chinese with my mom and sister tonight... so thats a plus... I spent alot of time today looking at colleges, because i want to further my education passed this emt-b and get my rn, with the hopes of becoming a nurse practitioner with a masters level degree by the end of it all. Found a few different schools around here in iowa, and the big seller ended up being the university of illinois... The campus is downtown chicago, mere blocks away from SOLDIER FIELD. Right next to the lake. It would be the ultimate for me... Being a huge chicago guy.
but I've got this problem, when it comes to that. because, if i'm trying to work on my friendship with her, whats that going to do... (knowing that i also want to be able to have more than a friendship in the future) I want that spark to happen... but, if i move to illinois and go to school there... what are the chances of that eliminating what possibility there may be for that spark? I texted her abotu it today, and she told me that me not doing something because of her would only upset her more... so... Thats where i'm stuck at there...
Its not exactly a decision that has to be made this instant, as i still have to finish some gen-ed pre-requisites here at the community college before i apply for the nursing program at any four year school... but its still something to think about... Because we'll be friends no matter where i end up, or wherever she ends up... distance can't stop that... but if we only see each other occasionally on breaks, possibly during the summer time, maybe an occasional planned visit with friends... or over a weekend, that doesn't exactly bode well for developing the close knit, fun loving friendship that we had that summer before things started rolling...
and i know things won't be the same, this time around... we won't ever end up on our friends couch again, on fourth of july, and share that first kiss... I know that... but... with my inability to let go... with my inability to x-out the part of me that see's her as my one and only... can i really conciously make a decision like that that clearly could jeopardize the chances of our relationship ever coming back?
I don't know. I know i can't just keep planning things around that what if... I know eventually theres going to be that point where we're either going to have that moment, or we're going to be friends forever and that part will dissapear... So eventually i'm going to have to accept that... right? problem being i just don't think i can.
*shrugs a bit*
Well, simples simple, i've got to do what she keeps saying... I've got to focus on me. What do I want to do. Where do I want to go. Who do I want to be...
I've just got to find some way to flip that switch... because right now i'm still thinking us. what do WE want to do, where do WE want to go... who do WE want to be... My mentality... my decision making... its still thinking about US. We're this, and We're that... but right now, there is no we...
But since i still want there to be a we in the future... don't i have to find a happy medium there? some way that I can do things for ME... but still not negate the WE? or is doing so just setting things up for failure?
Thats a big ?... one i don't have an answer for now... hopefully someday, but maybe never...
Moms yelling at the sister again... Nothing I can do... Last time i tried she went crazy on me... talking about calling the police or kicking me out of the house... I'm not her parent she says... I can't tell her what to do... Is it my fault she's wrong? Is it my fault that I can see things she can't?
Its just another place that i find myself, rock to the left, hard place to the right... and i'm stuck in between... where i'm at with the girlfriend, where i'm at with mom and sis... catch
22's. Can't win for losing.
its ten oclock now. I'm fighting the urge to text her. Already have a few times today... texted her last night too... she said, i should think about what i'm going to say or do... and if i wouldn't do it or say it to our other mutual friend, i probably shouldn't do or say it to her... But i'm not sure... because granted we're trying to be just friends... but we are closer to each other than that... because of our history, because of the past... so some things just have to be different, because of that right? Maybe I'll ask her... see what she has to say about it... I hate to do it though, i'm always worried i'm going to be a bother... she says not to worry... that she'll let me know when i am... but i'm afraid what may not be a bother now... she might look back on down the road as a memory, and decide then that it was... you know?
Well, I guess thats enough for tonight... going to try to get some sleep and be up at a decent hour tomrorrow.. see if i can't get shaven and show up to the reserve unit... report in, give them my paperwork and such... been putting that off for a bit to long now... Probably because before we broke up, we'd talked about her coming with me, since she's a part of the unit, too... well, anyway... thats about it i suppose... gonna try and catch a few z's, and get ready for whatever tomorrow brings...
but I've got this problem, when it comes to that. because, if i'm trying to work on my friendship with her, whats that going to do... (knowing that i also want to be able to have more than a friendship in the future) I want that spark to happen... but, if i move to illinois and go to school there... what are the chances of that eliminating what possibility there may be for that spark? I texted her abotu it today, and she told me that me not doing something because of her would only upset her more... so... Thats where i'm stuck at there...
Its not exactly a decision that has to be made this instant, as i still have to finish some gen-ed pre-requisites here at the community college before i apply for the nursing program at any four year school... but its still something to think about... Because we'll be friends no matter where i end up, or wherever she ends up... distance can't stop that... but if we only see each other occasionally on breaks, possibly during the summer time, maybe an occasional planned visit with friends... or over a weekend, that doesn't exactly bode well for developing the close knit, fun loving friendship that we had that summer before things started rolling...
and i know things won't be the same, this time around... we won't ever end up on our friends couch again, on fourth of july, and share that first kiss... I know that... but... with my inability to let go... with my inability to x-out the part of me that see's her as my one and only... can i really conciously make a decision like that that clearly could jeopardize the chances of our relationship ever coming back?
I don't know. I know i can't just keep planning things around that what if... I know eventually theres going to be that point where we're either going to have that moment, or we're going to be friends forever and that part will dissapear... So eventually i'm going to have to accept that... right? problem being i just don't think i can.
*shrugs a bit*
Well, simples simple, i've got to do what she keeps saying... I've got to focus on me. What do I want to do. Where do I want to go. Who do I want to be...
I've just got to find some way to flip that switch... because right now i'm still thinking us. what do WE want to do, where do WE want to go... who do WE want to be... My mentality... my decision making... its still thinking about US. We're this, and We're that... but right now, there is no we...
But since i still want there to be a we in the future... don't i have to find a happy medium there? some way that I can do things for ME... but still not negate the WE? or is doing so just setting things up for failure?
Thats a big ?... one i don't have an answer for now... hopefully someday, but maybe never...
Moms yelling at the sister again... Nothing I can do... Last time i tried she went crazy on me... talking about calling the police or kicking me out of the house... I'm not her parent she says... I can't tell her what to do... Is it my fault she's wrong? Is it my fault that I can see things she can't?
Its just another place that i find myself, rock to the left, hard place to the right... and i'm stuck in between... where i'm at with the girlfriend, where i'm at with mom and sis... catch
22's. Can't win for losing.
its ten oclock now. I'm fighting the urge to text her. Already have a few times today... texted her last night too... she said, i should think about what i'm going to say or do... and if i wouldn't do it or say it to our other mutual friend, i probably shouldn't do or say it to her... But i'm not sure... because granted we're trying to be just friends... but we are closer to each other than that... because of our history, because of the past... so some things just have to be different, because of that right? Maybe I'll ask her... see what she has to say about it... I hate to do it though, i'm always worried i'm going to be a bother... she says not to worry... that she'll let me know when i am... but i'm afraid what may not be a bother now... she might look back on down the road as a memory, and decide then that it was... you know?
Well, I guess thats enough for tonight... going to try to get some sleep and be up at a decent hour tomrorrow.. see if i can't get shaven and show up to the reserve unit... report in, give them my paperwork and such... been putting that off for a bit to long now... Probably because before we broke up, we'd talked about her coming with me, since she's a part of the unit, too... well, anyway... thats about it i suppose... gonna try and catch a few z's, and get ready for whatever tomorrow brings...
The path is before me
So thats where I'm at... I want us to be together. I want her to be mine. But it hurts her too much to even thinnk about that possibility right now. So here i am. needing to be her friend, and trying to find some way to stifle the part of me that wants more. the part of me that wants to be us again, that wants to work on our relationship...
I freaked out the other day... i saw some guy using some "super poke" type things towards her on facebook... and i freaked... what if while i'm working on being her friend... some other guy sees how beautiful she is, how nice of a person she is, just like i do, and talks to her... likes her... decides to ask her out, or whatever. . .
And I freaked out.
I went to see her yesterday. she helped me look for a job for awhile in the paper and online, and then we sat outside and we talked about things. I told her of how i felt. And she told me how she felt. It was yesterday that i learned about just how much i had hurt her. She told me about how she felt, and how she came to the realization that she needed to end us. And i saw things from her side, as i showed her things from my side of things...
I emphasized the fact that I couldn't find a way to stop the feelings i had about wanting a relationship, and i spoke to her about how i was worried that that part of me would get in the way of us working on our friendship. And she reiterated that she would be understanding, and would let me know if i was crossing any lines or saying or doing something that i shouldn't.
It was yesterday that i got the answer to the question that i really needed. Though it wasn't the answer i was hoping to hear. She told me, with all honesty, that she was not looking for a relationship with anyone else... And that she never was that way. And for a few moments, i was relieved. I thought, there it is! she's not looking for a relationship, she doesnt' want a boyfriend while we're working on our friendship... and then it came... She said, but if someone comes to me, and i'm ok with things, i'm not going to turn them down.
And thats when my heart sank. She expanded, by explaining that if she were to turn things away, make herself off limits like that, it would be the same as before when i left for the army and she was at college, it would be the same as being my girlfriend... it would hurt the same. It was the same concept...
And I was crushed all over again at that point... but i couldn't be angry, i couldn't be upset, i couldn't feel as though this was unfair...
i can't ask her to hurt herself for me... I can't expect that, either.
I told her then, that I knew i needed to let go... but as i sat there in silence, i realized i couldn't. I can't. I'm closer to her than anyone else in the world... and I care about her more than anyone else in the world... I feel as though she is my one... and i want to spend the rest of my life with her... so i told her. I told her I dont' think i can let you go. not the way i need to.
And we talked some more.. And i told her... I want to be her friend... I need to be her friend. So i told her, i will do everything i can to control the part of me that wants to be her boyfriend, so that we can work on our friendship...
And that was all i could do... We hugged a couple of times... and I did my best to not take advantage of the fact that her arms were around me... and I reminded myself that we were friends and that was it... and it hurt so much... I started crying on her shoulder... and she held me till i was done... and now, thats where i am at.
We are friends and that is all we are. The ball is in fates court, if you will. If we are meant to be together, then when the time comes, if it does, as our friendship rebuilds... maybe that second chance will happen, maybe that spark will light again. and we can try again... and if not... well, we'll see what happens then. because i don't know what i'll do, if she ends up with someone else... And I don't know that i can ever be comfortable dating anyone else... because as i've stated above... i feel she is the one, for me...
I freaked out the other day... i saw some guy using some "super poke" type things towards her on facebook... and i freaked... what if while i'm working on being her friend... some other guy sees how beautiful she is, how nice of a person she is, just like i do, and talks to her... likes her... decides to ask her out, or whatever. . .
And I freaked out.
I went to see her yesterday. she helped me look for a job for awhile in the paper and online, and then we sat outside and we talked about things. I told her of how i felt. And she told me how she felt. It was yesterday that i learned about just how much i had hurt her. She told me about how she felt, and how she came to the realization that she needed to end us. And i saw things from her side, as i showed her things from my side of things...
I emphasized the fact that I couldn't find a way to stop the feelings i had about wanting a relationship, and i spoke to her about how i was worried that that part of me would get in the way of us working on our friendship. And she reiterated that she would be understanding, and would let me know if i was crossing any lines or saying or doing something that i shouldn't.
It was yesterday that i got the answer to the question that i really needed. Though it wasn't the answer i was hoping to hear. She told me, with all honesty, that she was not looking for a relationship with anyone else... And that she never was that way. And for a few moments, i was relieved. I thought, there it is! she's not looking for a relationship, she doesnt' want a boyfriend while we're working on our friendship... and then it came... She said, but if someone comes to me, and i'm ok with things, i'm not going to turn them down.
And thats when my heart sank. She expanded, by explaining that if she were to turn things away, make herself off limits like that, it would be the same as before when i left for the army and she was at college, it would be the same as being my girlfriend... it would hurt the same. It was the same concept...
And I was crushed all over again at that point... but i couldn't be angry, i couldn't be upset, i couldn't feel as though this was unfair...
i can't ask her to hurt herself for me... I can't expect that, either.
I told her then, that I knew i needed to let go... but as i sat there in silence, i realized i couldn't. I can't. I'm closer to her than anyone else in the world... and I care about her more than anyone else in the world... I feel as though she is my one... and i want to spend the rest of my life with her... so i told her. I told her I dont' think i can let you go. not the way i need to.
And we talked some more.. And i told her... I want to be her friend... I need to be her friend. So i told her, i will do everything i can to control the part of me that wants to be her boyfriend, so that we can work on our friendship...
And that was all i could do... We hugged a couple of times... and I did my best to not take advantage of the fact that her arms were around me... and I reminded myself that we were friends and that was it... and it hurt so much... I started crying on her shoulder... and she held me till i was done... and now, thats where i am at.
We are friends and that is all we are. The ball is in fates court, if you will. If we are meant to be together, then when the time comes, if it does, as our friendship rebuilds... maybe that second chance will happen, maybe that spark will light again. and we can try again... and if not... well, we'll see what happens then. because i don't know what i'll do, if she ends up with someone else... And I don't know that i can ever be comfortable dating anyone else... because as i've stated above... i feel she is the one, for me...
The Freight Train
So... About me... Recent history...
I went to a state university after high school. Had the wrong major, and not enough determination. So I didn't make it there. Made some good friends, and came out of my shell a bit... but academically not so much... I dropped out and went back home for a summer. It was during this summer that I met a new group of friends. Some of them I knew, others I knew of. But that summer, We became great friends. It was a fun summer full of careless nights and misadventures. I met my girlfriend that summer. She was one of my new friends, one that I'd known from before in life, but had gotten to know much better over the summer.
We flirted back and forth and the tension grew during the summer, and on the fourth of July, we finally kissed, admitting to ourselves and each other that there was something between us. It was just about this time when I was called by the recruiter and decided to join the Army. The rest of the summer was spent happily, and as i left to go to training we had a discussion, about each other and the possibility of us. At that time, both of us having just come out of our last relationships, long distance each of them, we decided that another long distance relationship was not what we needed at the time...
However a month into training, and several letters back and forth, we decided that fate was putting us together, regardless of what we had previously decided. So it was then, that we became a couple. She joined the army as well, delayed entry. We were together all through that winter, and the spring of the next year when I came home from training at the end of March. We couldn't have been happier together at that point. We could finally be a real couple and go out on dates and things like normal people did. And thats what happened. For the next three months life was great. Our relationship blossomed and bloomed and we were so happy together. Then it was her turn to leave for training.
The letters started all over again. Things were good. I put an extra line on my cell phone plan when the one she had with her family broke, and everything was great... It was during this time that my parents started to get Divorced. And then i got the call. I was going to be deployed. 365 days on the other side of the country... So when i went down to see her at her graduation from basic, i had to tell her that the plans we'd made, of being together finally when she got home from training would have to wait, because I'd be deployed when she got home.
It was a big blow, but nothing new for us, being away from each other... So that was that. I went out to the coast, and she kept training down south. We talked on the phone as much as possible, flew back and forth to see each other on holidays and things... It was going to be ok.
We made it through the next winter and new years, and into the spring before things started to change. She got home from training... started working and going to school... Busy was the word. My responsibilities on the deployment began to get larger around the same time. Suddenly we found ourselves struggling to find the time to talk to each other like we used to.
On top of it all, The new crew of Medics i was working with started inviting me out with them. I turned 21... started going out to party and drinking... i started to change. And as i changed, and As I got busier, she changed, and she got busier too. But i didn't know... I wasn't home... I didn't understand what she was going through... I took the fact that she wasn't calling me, or texting me for the opposite of what it was... I thought she didn't care about me as much... thought she was ignoring me... when in all reality she was just swamped... Someone from my past started talking to me again... Talking to me when i needed someone to talk to, and i got confused... i'd had a thing for this person before... and now she was here... when my girlfriend apparently wasn't... and suddenly i had feelings for this other girl... it scared me...
I couldn't understand it. My girlfriend was my everything. two whole years of being everything for each other, and i was having feelings for this other perosn... so as i tried to understand this... i did the absolute worst thing i could have done... I stopped talking to my girlfiredn... i stopped answering her calls and texts, because i was ashamed of what i was feeling, and i was afraid that she wouldn't love me anymore if she knew i was having these feeligns. I should have known better... I should have told her what was happening, right away. She would have talked to me abotu it.. would have understood... But, I didn't. I did the dumb thing, and left her hanging for five whole days, while i tried to figure out what was happening to me...
Finally i broke down, and i answered her call. we talked. I told her what i was feeling, what i was going through. we talked about it.. we talked about us. we went through all the ropes. and came to the understanding... That i was experiencing feelings of lust... and that was something that happens... we were going to work thigns out... we were going to be ok...
And thats what we did... for the last three or four months of my deployment we went through the motions... worked to put things back together. but we'd changed. things weren't the same, little things were becoming big things. we weren't connecting quite right... but we were apart... we'd been apart for so long... I believed things would get better... when i got home, and we could be together, things would get better. We'd be able to work the thigns out.
But I didn't know. I didn't know what those five days had truly done... I didn't know how much she was hurting, how much she had been hurt. how much damage i'd done. My deployment came to an end at the begining of this month... She flew out to meet me on the coast, so that we could drive home together. I met her at the airport. But Something was off. She didn't seem to want to hug. We didn't kiss. We started to drive home, but things werent' the same. There was a lot of silence... hands weren't held. Small talk was just that, small talk. We stayed at a hotel about halfway home... and there was more tension... The kisses that I got i felt like i was stealing... We got all the way home and i stayed at her place that next night, before i finally went home to my mothers place... I wanted to speak with her about it. I wanted to ask her what was going on... why thigns were this way... but i had jsut gotten home... I didn't want to do that just yet...
That was a msitake too. I found out at the end of that first week that i was home, exactly what was going on. We were over. She was too hurt to be my girlfriend.. The damage, the extensive damage that i didn't quite know i had caused, had taken its toll... and now that i was home, the whole ordeal was too real. It was too 'in her face' as it were... just being my girlfriend anymore, was hurting her.
And so after learnign this, we had another talk... Two years of our lives together, we love each other tremendously. we care about each other, completely. We were so much a part of each others lives... We had to be friends...
At that point, i was just so shocked and confused about the fact that our relationship was over, that I agreed to being friends and got off the phone... The next day it actually hit me. I spent the next day and a half begging, more or less, trying to plead with her that there would be any other way... any way to maintain our relationship and work on things... there was no way. After those days of me fighting, I stopped. and it was then, that I decided i wanted to be upset. I wanted to be hurt. I wanted to be a victim.
I told myself, she didn't tell me. She didn't give me the chance to make her understand how i felt about her. she didn't give us enough of a chance once i got home to get any better. I started to have these anxiety attacks. I stopped sleeping, stopped eating... my stomach hurt, i was short of breath... just miserable... I spent some time thinking about everything... since i jsut got back, i have no job and i'm not enrolled in school, so i had little else to do but think. So, laying in my bed all day and night, thinking and thinking about everything.
And I realized. It was me. I did this, because of my actions. It was me. And I couldn't be upset at her... i couldn't justify her being the hurter. I couldn't make myself a victim. She was the victim. I hurt her... So we talked... We talked again. I told her how i felt... That i wanted to be friends. That i understood what she had said.. That she needed to be alone... by herself so that she could re-build... and she felt that I needed to be alone, on my own, to figrue out who i am and where i'm going... so thats where we left things. We need to be friends. We've been around each other and there for each other too much to let our friendship die...
I went to a state university after high school. Had the wrong major, and not enough determination. So I didn't make it there. Made some good friends, and came out of my shell a bit... but academically not so much... I dropped out and went back home for a summer. It was during this summer that I met a new group of friends. Some of them I knew, others I knew of. But that summer, We became great friends. It was a fun summer full of careless nights and misadventures. I met my girlfriend that summer. She was one of my new friends, one that I'd known from before in life, but had gotten to know much better over the summer.
We flirted back and forth and the tension grew during the summer, and on the fourth of July, we finally kissed, admitting to ourselves and each other that there was something between us. It was just about this time when I was called by the recruiter and decided to join the Army. The rest of the summer was spent happily, and as i left to go to training we had a discussion, about each other and the possibility of us. At that time, both of us having just come out of our last relationships, long distance each of them, we decided that another long distance relationship was not what we needed at the time...
However a month into training, and several letters back and forth, we decided that fate was putting us together, regardless of what we had previously decided. So it was then, that we became a couple. She joined the army as well, delayed entry. We were together all through that winter, and the spring of the next year when I came home from training at the end of March. We couldn't have been happier together at that point. We could finally be a real couple and go out on dates and things like normal people did. And thats what happened. For the next three months life was great. Our relationship blossomed and bloomed and we were so happy together. Then it was her turn to leave for training.
The letters started all over again. Things were good. I put an extra line on my cell phone plan when the one she had with her family broke, and everything was great... It was during this time that my parents started to get Divorced. And then i got the call. I was going to be deployed. 365 days on the other side of the country... So when i went down to see her at her graduation from basic, i had to tell her that the plans we'd made, of being together finally when she got home from training would have to wait, because I'd be deployed when she got home.
It was a big blow, but nothing new for us, being away from each other... So that was that. I went out to the coast, and she kept training down south. We talked on the phone as much as possible, flew back and forth to see each other on holidays and things... It was going to be ok.
We made it through the next winter and new years, and into the spring before things started to change. She got home from training... started working and going to school... Busy was the word. My responsibilities on the deployment began to get larger around the same time. Suddenly we found ourselves struggling to find the time to talk to each other like we used to.
On top of it all, The new crew of Medics i was working with started inviting me out with them. I turned 21... started going out to party and drinking... i started to change. And as i changed, and As I got busier, she changed, and she got busier too. But i didn't know... I wasn't home... I didn't understand what she was going through... I took the fact that she wasn't calling me, or texting me for the opposite of what it was... I thought she didn't care about me as much... thought she was ignoring me... when in all reality she was just swamped... Someone from my past started talking to me again... Talking to me when i needed someone to talk to, and i got confused... i'd had a thing for this person before... and now she was here... when my girlfriend apparently wasn't... and suddenly i had feelings for this other girl... it scared me...
I couldn't understand it. My girlfriend was my everything. two whole years of being everything for each other, and i was having feelings for this other perosn... so as i tried to understand this... i did the absolute worst thing i could have done... I stopped talking to my girlfiredn... i stopped answering her calls and texts, because i was ashamed of what i was feeling, and i was afraid that she wouldn't love me anymore if she knew i was having these feeligns. I should have known better... I should have told her what was happening, right away. She would have talked to me abotu it.. would have understood... But, I didn't. I did the dumb thing, and left her hanging for five whole days, while i tried to figure out what was happening to me...
Finally i broke down, and i answered her call. we talked. I told her what i was feeling, what i was going through. we talked about it.. we talked about us. we went through all the ropes. and came to the understanding... That i was experiencing feelings of lust... and that was something that happens... we were going to work thigns out... we were going to be ok...
And thats what we did... for the last three or four months of my deployment we went through the motions... worked to put things back together. but we'd changed. things weren't the same, little things were becoming big things. we weren't connecting quite right... but we were apart... we'd been apart for so long... I believed things would get better... when i got home, and we could be together, things would get better. We'd be able to work the thigns out.
But I didn't know. I didn't know what those five days had truly done... I didn't know how much she was hurting, how much she had been hurt. how much damage i'd done. My deployment came to an end at the begining of this month... She flew out to meet me on the coast, so that we could drive home together. I met her at the airport. But Something was off. She didn't seem to want to hug. We didn't kiss. We started to drive home, but things werent' the same. There was a lot of silence... hands weren't held. Small talk was just that, small talk. We stayed at a hotel about halfway home... and there was more tension... The kisses that I got i felt like i was stealing... We got all the way home and i stayed at her place that next night, before i finally went home to my mothers place... I wanted to speak with her about it. I wanted to ask her what was going on... why thigns were this way... but i had jsut gotten home... I didn't want to do that just yet...
That was a msitake too. I found out at the end of that first week that i was home, exactly what was going on. We were over. She was too hurt to be my girlfriend.. The damage, the extensive damage that i didn't quite know i had caused, had taken its toll... and now that i was home, the whole ordeal was too real. It was too 'in her face' as it were... just being my girlfriend anymore, was hurting her.
And so after learnign this, we had another talk... Two years of our lives together, we love each other tremendously. we care about each other, completely. We were so much a part of each others lives... We had to be friends...
At that point, i was just so shocked and confused about the fact that our relationship was over, that I agreed to being friends and got off the phone... The next day it actually hit me. I spent the next day and a half begging, more or less, trying to plead with her that there would be any other way... any way to maintain our relationship and work on things... there was no way. After those days of me fighting, I stopped. and it was then, that I decided i wanted to be upset. I wanted to be hurt. I wanted to be a victim.
I told myself, she didn't tell me. She didn't give me the chance to make her understand how i felt about her. she didn't give us enough of a chance once i got home to get any better. I started to have these anxiety attacks. I stopped sleeping, stopped eating... my stomach hurt, i was short of breath... just miserable... I spent some time thinking about everything... since i jsut got back, i have no job and i'm not enrolled in school, so i had little else to do but think. So, laying in my bed all day and night, thinking and thinking about everything.
And I realized. It was me. I did this, because of my actions. It was me. And I couldn't be upset at her... i couldn't justify her being the hurter. I couldn't make myself a victim. She was the victim. I hurt her... So we talked... We talked again. I told her how i felt... That i wanted to be friends. That i understood what she had said.. That she needed to be alone... by herself so that she could re-build... and she felt that I needed to be alone, on my own, to figrue out who i am and where i'm going... so thats where we left things. We need to be friends. We've been around each other and there for each other too much to let our friendship die...
First Post
- So, this is my first Blog. And the first post on my first Blog. So this is kind of a test... testing the waters here to see how all of this stuff works...
- Bold
- Italic
- web-link
Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel
Is just the freight train coming your way
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