So thats where I'm at... I want us to be together. I want her to be mine. But it hurts her too much to even thinnk about that possibility right now. So here i am. needing to be her friend, and trying to find some way to stifle the part of me that wants more. the part of me that wants to be us again, that wants to work on our relationship...
I freaked out the other day... i saw some guy using some "super poke" type things towards her on facebook... and i freaked... what if while i'm working on being her friend... some other guy sees how beautiful she is, how nice of a person she is, just like i do, and talks to her... likes her... decides to ask her out, or whatever. . .
And I freaked out.
I went to see her yesterday. she helped me look for a job for awhile in the paper and online, and then we sat outside and we talked about things. I told her of how i felt. And she told me how she felt. It was yesterday that i learned about just how much i had hurt her. She told me about how she felt, and how she came to the realization that she needed to end us. And i saw things from her side, as i showed her things from my side of things...
I emphasized the fact that I couldn't find a way to stop the feelings i had about wanting a relationship, and i spoke to her about how i was worried that that part of me would get in the way of us working on our friendship. And she reiterated that she would be understanding, and would let me know if i was crossing any lines or saying or doing something that i shouldn't.
It was yesterday that i got the answer to the question that i really needed. Though it wasn't the answer i was hoping to hear. She told me, with all honesty, that she was not looking for a relationship with anyone else... And that she never was that way. And for a few moments, i was relieved. I thought, there it is! she's not looking for a relationship, she doesnt' want a boyfriend while we're working on our friendship... and then it came... She said, but if someone comes to me, and i'm ok with things, i'm not going to turn them down.
And thats when my heart sank. She expanded, by explaining that if she were to turn things away, make herself off limits like that, it would be the same as before when i left for the army and she was at college, it would be the same as being my girlfriend... it would hurt the same. It was the same concept...
And I was crushed all over again at that point... but i couldn't be angry, i couldn't be upset, i couldn't feel as though this was unfair...
i can't ask her to hurt herself for me... I can't expect that, either.
I told her then, that I knew i needed to let go... but as i sat there in silence, i realized i couldn't. I can't. I'm closer to her than anyone else in the world... and I care about her more than anyone else in the world... I feel as though she is my one... and i want to spend the rest of my life with her... so i told her. I told her I dont' think i can let you go. not the way i need to.
And we talked some more.. And i told her... I want to be her friend... I need to be her friend. So i told her, i will do everything i can to control the part of me that wants to be her boyfriend, so that we can work on our friendship...
And that was all i could do... We hugged a couple of times... and I did my best to not take advantage of the fact that her arms were around me... and I reminded myself that we were friends and that was it... and it hurt so much... I started crying on her shoulder... and she held me till i was done... and now, thats where i am at.
We are friends and that is all we are. The ball is in fates court, if you will. If we are meant to be together, then when the time comes, if it does, as our friendship rebuilds... maybe that second chance will happen, maybe that spark will light again. and we can try again... and if not... well, we'll see what happens then. because i don't know what i'll do, if she ends up with someone else... And I don't know that i can ever be comfortable dating anyone else... because as i've stated above... i feel she is the one, for me...
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