And I cry

And I cry.

*shakes head slowly with a sad sort of smile*

I do it to myself. Maybe thats why it hurts so much? Maybe if she was doing it? If she was the one hurting me... at least I'd be able to be upset with her then... Would that make it better?

Doesn't really matter. And I'd rather not be upset with her, regardless...

*sighs* She worked the 3rd shift last night... Which is what I work... So, I texted her... No harm, right, we're both up when everyone else is asleep... Might as well chat a bit while we're at it...

Wasn't so bad. She was working on a paper, and I just did my best to not get personal... To just ask her some questions, see how things were going in the life around her... I wanted to ask her about HER... Wanted to know how SHE was doing... But i didn't... I think she started to doze off after two... because i didn't get a reply back after that... on around 4 saying she was fighting staying awake, and then nothing else until after 7 when the shifts were over...

So, as I was drving home, it became apparent that our conversation was going to come to a close. Shifts were over, and it was probably time for her to get some rest, and the same for me... And for whatever reason... as I noticed this... Realizing that it was probably the last text i'd send her, the goodbye have a nice day sort of text... I decided to drop my barrier... Well... No, I didn't decide to... there was no thought involved... I just did.

I don't know if it was the familiar feeling of texting all night, or because I was tired... Or because I was realizing that my excuse to talk to her freely was vanishing... I texted her... I told her that I really missed her. And hit send. And it was done, no going back...

So I drove on in silence... Half holding my breath... That barrier was down. I'd just opened up, put it all out there... I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready at all for her response...

She said, "I understand, but you're crossing the friendship line."

One simple sentence... Perfectly composed and punctuated...

So calm, So finite.

No, I miss you too but this time apart is necessary, No things are going to get better, over time... No nothing... Just a cold, hard reminder of my place. A strtaight up, rapid gut check.

'You had youre chance to mean something to me, now youre just a friend. deal.'

I sobbed.

The rest of the way home and until I fell asleep.

I sobbed.

I'm a grown man, 21 years old... And I cried like a baby.

But it broke my heart. It felt as though I'd reached out, open arms and an apprehensive smile, and been struck down with a sledge hammer, straight to the ground.

It hurts so much... To love her... To miss her... To need her...
And to see her not needing me... not missing me... not loving me...

And I know that I don't know that she doesn't miss me, or need me, or love me. Its entirely possible that she does... She might think of me when shes alone at night... She might miss me during the day... She might still love me...

But She doesn't say it... Doesn't show it... And I can't see it... And I can't let myself hope the opposite... I can't just keep going on thinking that she does miss need or love me. Because what good does that do for me, really? It doesn't change the fact that she won't open up. Doesn't change the fact that she won't tell me whats going on in her head... Doesn't change the fact that i'm painfully alone.

So now I lay... Numb. Can't cry anymore. Not today anyway... Ran out of tears. or energy... or something. So i'm just numb. Laying her wondering... Does she even miss me?

Revilations, So little so late

So there it goes again, huh? The loopity loop of the rollercoaster. I just can't seem to ever shake this cycle. Spent ALL of last nights shift sitting at my desk or walking around on patrol just going over and over and over again in my head of how I needed to convince her that we should still be together.

I just don't understand it. I know that I just have to wait. Just have to be patient and hope for the best. So why does this still keep happening? Why do i sit there all night wrong trying to come up with the right words to say? Why do i seem to think that it would matter, what I said? Like my words could somehow change her mind?

And then I try to remind myself, that its not just the me and her, thats led to this situation. She's got her own issues that she needed to be alone to work out... and I've got mine. But still, even reminding myself of that, my mind and heart keep going. Keep going and going and going until i've got nothing left but a stomach ache and shot nerves.

I just get so nervous... So anxious... that shes never going to look at me again, the way she used to. That when all is said and done, I'm never going to get to take her in my arms, kiss her on the lips, and tell her how much i love her, ever again...

And these are things that i keep trying to tell myself I have no control of... They're either going to happen or they aren't... but theres really nothing I can do to change it... Yet the thoughts still haunt me... nearly daily.

Can I make it through this? It can be so debilitating, Will I make it until whatever end comes? I just don't really know anymore.

Thanksgiving is coming up, and all i can do is remember her and I in Jersey and New York, we were so happy last year. It had been the first time we'd been able to see each other since She'd graduated basic and gone to AIT. And it had been the first time we'd been able to be alone with each other since she had left for basic in June. Nothing could have been better then...

And Christmas is coming up after that... And then her birthday in Jan, Valentines day in Feb... my birthday in March... All those memories... And all these special days... That should be spent with her... Because she's my special someone.

I want to tell her how I feel. I want to tell her about what I've been thinking about... How I've started to realize what I let happen to myself out in Jersey... And How I've learned from it. I want to tell her that I've always loved her, and Always will. Want to tell her how I want us to get married, how I want us to have two little rascals of boys, and one pretty little girl... A house in the suburbs somewhere and a happy family. And I want to tell her how she's the only person in the world that I feel i could do those things with...

But I can't. Can I? I just told her last week I was going to lay off the texting... I was going to stop pushing for us, and I was going to be her friend first. Even though I told her then my feelings for her hadn't changed. So I can't tell her all this now... It would completely negate what I said just a week ago... But then... What If these might be the words she needs to hear? What if they could be the key?

Thats foolish, dumb, wishful thinking I know. Maybe it was that shooting star I saw last night thats got me believing in miracles right now. I'm not really sure. I know I truly do Wish things would change. With all my heart and soul I wish I could open up to her, to show her just how much i truly do, sincerely care about her, and how much I truly do love her. And How truly truly sorry I am for what I let happen.

And thats just it. I let it happen. I let the medics out on my deployment change me. I let them influence me more than the person who meant the most in the world to me, and it cost us both dearly. I let those medics bring out the qualities of the person I was when I was in college. The person I joined the army to change. Ironic, isn't it? That it would be Army Medics that would bring back those not so great qualites that basic and AIT stripped away from me? And thats why things went the way they did.

I understand it now. The drinking, the partying, the lack of discipline, the setting I found myself in was like that of college, and these medics, I let the influence my decisions. Let them change me. Until i was that guy i joined the army to stop being. And That is why when that girl called me up, I didn't see her as she is now. And I didn't see me as I am now... I saw me then, and her then, and the feelings that I had for her then, were the ones that clouded up my mind. The ones that made me doubt, the ones that caused me to freak out so much that I did that stupid, idiotic thing i did by ignoring my ex.

I never stopped loving my ex, or caring about her. And she was always the only one for me. Those feelings i had weren't true, but at the time i couldn't see that, couldn't understand that, and it caused me to act stupidly.

I know now, I can't ever let anyone influence who I am. Ever again. I'm just so tremendously sorry that it took this much pain and suffering for me to understand and to learn that lesson.

My ex talked about how she felt she didn't really know me anymore... And now I know what she meant. And the thing is, I AM the person she fell in love with. That person really is ME. and I am that person again. And I'm NEVER going to let someone change that, ever again. I just wish there was some way for me to be able to show her that. To let her know that the person she fell in love with is still here, and always has been. And I just wish there was some way for me to convince her of my conviction to never let anything change me again.

All these wishes though... Whole lotta good they'll do me, right? I need to talk to her... next week I want to ask her about her. I need to know what she's going through, what shes thinking about, what she's feeling. I need to know her side. Maybe then I'll understand a little more about our situation... maybe then i could explain to her what i've realized, what i've understood, and hoe i feel?

I hope tonight goes a little better than last night... And the rest of the week too. And now i just can't wait for tuesday to get here... So that I can try and see if she's willing to let me in, if she'll let me see how she's doing, if she'll open up and let me show her my true self and feelings...

Till next time...

case of the mondays?

three blogs in a row, you can tell that this months not starting out so well, huh?

Nothing real major this time around, just trying to chase away some of these stray thoughts that won't seem to leave the back of my mind right now. She said no to this tuesday... for coffee that is. Not a big deal i suppose, she's got work and school and her own life going on, so its understandable that shes busy.

And i can't expect her to *make* time for me, anymore, i guess. Since we're just friends and all. She said maybe next week, so hopefully she means that and wasn't just being polite about it. Because i truly feel that its important for us to stay in some form of regular contact... if not for my own selfish reasons of wanting to see her and the fact that i might lose my mind if i don't get the chance to see and tlak to her every so often... I just feel like if theres going to be any real chance of us putting our friendship back together we have to be able to have some regular interaction to gauge each other and get to know each other again.

Regardless of any implications of a relationship revival in the future, i feel its simply essential to the friendship that we have the chance to see and talk to each other and bounce things back and forth between each other. Theres just no other way that we would be able to get to know each other as we get to know ourselves. We're going to be changing, and rapidly. As we are by ourselves and focusing on ourselves and what we need to do in our lives, many many changes are going to be happening very quickly. and if we aren't tlaking to each other and seeing each other then those changes are going to pile up and become harder and harder to adjust to.

I don't know. really. I just wish every day that i could take her hands in mine and look into her eyes and tell her exactly how i feel. To tell her how much I need her in my life and how much I miss her everyday. And to promise her with everything i am that I will make things right, and i will be the man she needs me to be and that together we will be the best that we ever were and better, and that all she needs to do is give us that chance. And i wish every day that my words and my feelings and my heart could convice her that that is true... That looking into my eyes and feeling my hands holding hers would show her once again just how much we mean to each other and just how happy we make each other feel... And I wish this, every night that this day would come tomorrow. Let tomorrow be that day, that things finally become right again in our lives...

But I know better than to invest myself in these fantasies. Because its been coldly proven to me that there is no hint of a garuntee in this regard. Theres not even a flicker of a possibility being talked abotu right now from her side of things. And that hurts. It truly hurts me to think that she wakes up, goes through her day, and goes back to sleep at night without missing me... without thinking about me... without longing for me as I do for her... But I guess it should hurt, right? I don't know, but I know it does... It hurts so much to think that I may spend the rest of my life missing her and thinking about her... and thinking that she'll be fine without me... Could it be, that she's perfect for me, but I'm not perfect for her?

Would fate be so cruel? to introduce me to someone who makes me happier and more loved than anyone else in the world, and then take her away and not make her need me as I need her? Could that really be? Could that really happen? Can someone be perfect for you but not need you at all? Can someone be your true love but not love you back? Could I spend the rest of my life cursing myself for letting her get away, while she goes on with her life without needing to look back?

I surely hope not...

Gotta pick the sis up from school...

Hopefully after that i'll be able to sleep...

Sunday Respite

Bears won today, thank goodness, and they put Rexy back in and he didn't throw an interception! alright! good stuff.

The ex and mines mutual best friend, and the other sister fate never gave me, came up to the place to have lunch at pizza hut and watch the game. It was nice to just talk and hang out with her for awhile. I'd texted her the other day when i was feeling like going off the hindges, so she came up and we just hung out and stuff.

Made me feel a little better, just relaxing, and the bears winning and such. Sent a message to the ex tonight, seeing if she'd be up for the coffee thing again this week or not. Hopefully she'll say yes, maybe we can make it a regular tuesday thing... But if not, well, guess theres nothign i can do about that... if she feels like she doesn't want to do something like that regularly then thats it, i can't change her mind about it... But i think it would be good for us to just see each other, and its at a public place, we both drive there, just drink some coffee and walk around and talk... I think it would give us a really good oppurtunity to just touch base and for each of us to see and know how the other is doing with things.

*shrugs*

I'm so tired tonight... think its cause i ddin't sleep yesterday... and i should find a way to stay up so that i sleep tomorrow during the day, otherwise its gonna toss off my work schedule... but i don't really think i can, and i kinda do want to sleep... so i think thats what i'm gonna go do now... get some z's...

Alright, take it easy then

why

*Big Deep Breaths*

So i was on the verge of losing it today... The message window is still open, waiting, tempting me to type into it. To send her another one of my pitiful i need you in my life sob stories... I can't do it... I can't let myself do it...

I saw my friend last weekend, stayed up there for a few days. It was great. Not a care in the world, just hanging out, did the Halloween thing, watched some movies, just overall good time... then I came home, and i was refreshed. Did some stuff, went back to work, the nine yards...

Texted the ex on tuesday, wanted to talk to her. And we coordinated a meeting at barnes and noble after her class before my shift at work. grabbed some coffees and just walked around the store. small talk. simple, non loaded statements and questions... as it would go, i needed to ask her some advice about a situation i was having with my sister, and so i did and she did her best to help me out... and we kept up the small talk.

Things weren't too awkward, i found that i could stand in front of her, and look her in the eyes finally. And not have an overwhelming urge to rush into her arms and kiss her and hold her close. It was there... I wanted to... wanted to wrap my arm around her while we walked, to hold her hand... she looked SO good. and I miss her SO much... But it wasn't overwhelming. I felt pretty good about the two of us conversing...

Although originally i had wanted to speak to her pointedly about some things... that just didn't seem to be in the cards, and i hardly wanted to ruin the decent vibes we had going with the friendly chat, so i left things be. We headed out to the parking lot and i told her by our cars that i was going to try and step back for awhile... to slow down my texting and calling of her, but that it wasn't because i didn't want to talk or see her, and it wasn't that i was wanting to avoid her... just that i was going to try and work on me for awhile...

She said it was fine, and then we said our goodbyes and headed seperate ways.

I texted her from work to reiterate, to tell her why i wanted to do that... told her that I still love her and care for her and miss her... but that i was coming to terms and grips with our situation and realizing that the only thing i could do was to stop trying to push anything into action, and that i just wanted her to know... so that in the future, if and when her feelings come back for me, she'll know i hadn't lost mine for her...

She told me she understood what i was saying, but asked me to promise that I wouldn't hold myself back from anything on her account... more or less asking me to promise that i wouldn't turn someone away because i was waiting for her...

I promised... Because, i'm pretty sure that is how i feel. At least it was at the time. Back then on tuesday, i'd felt that i'd realized... I wanted to be with her... wanted her to be with me... but i felt that suddenly i'd realized i didn't NEED it... I told her the same thing she'd told me a few weeks back... i wasn't looking for anything... but if it came up i wouldn't push it away...

and that was that...
or so i thought...

The rest of the week went by fairly well... Every day is still a teeter totter though... and i can never seem to make it through a full shift at work without the last few hours being plagued by longing, lonely, heartbroken memories of her and us...

But this morning it hit me the hardest yet... and i haven't been able to shake it since... all parts of me keep screaming, 'you've gotta push. tell her how you feel, convince her that you should be together. they tell me that the longer i let us stay apart, the less and less of a chance there will ever be an US again... that if i don't say everythign i can possibly think of to say... and do everything i possibly can do to remind her of how happy we were, and to convince her that we can be that happy again... that she's going to find someone new and never look back...

I force myself to calm down... reminding myself that she's made up her mind... and that she needs this space and time to herself... But I feel it in the back of my head and the bottom of my heart... I just wish she would let me in... Since its started, i've been very open with my thoughts and opinions and emotions... I've done my best to keep her updated with how i'm doing and whats going on with me... But she doesn't do the same. I'm grateful for her for listening... but...

Why doesn't she tell me anything? I know she's trying to be alone and not have someone that she leans on... because that was one of the reasons she wanted to end it... because she felt she had been using me as a crutch... but... I need to know. I need to know whats going on with her... if she still thinks about me... how she feels about me... How she's doing with things that don't even deal with me...

I'm so in the dark that i'm left to my own imagination to make hideous assumptions.. and i don't like it...

and when she responds to me with something like, "Promise me you won't hold yourself back because of me." it scares me... Because i understand the surface meaning... but... it makes me think... has she already decided? already made up her mind that she's not going to give me another chance... but she just isn't telling me? I don't really beleive it... if theres one thing about her, its that she doesn't bullshit... she says what she means and says it straight... Its one of the many things that i find attractive in her... But even so... My mind wonders...

I just don't know. I don't know if she hates me for what i did... or if she's still hurting from it... or if she's just trying to forget it and not deal with it at all, or if she's moved past it... And she doesn't owe me any of this... but I just wish i could ask her. I wish she would tell me without me asking, too...

Looking for apartments now... and she's doing the same... We SHOULD be looking for them together, i keep telling myself... If i hadn't have been an idiot and did what i did, we'd be looking to move in together, where we'd get along great... because i can't do the laundry and she enjoys it, i can't cook but she enjoys it... she hates vacuuming and dusting, two of the household chores that i actually enjoy... We got along so well... I just... ugh!

keep asking myself why?

And i've slowly realized it... what happened... and if i'd only had the clairevoyance at the time... i can only imagine that things would have turned out much better for us all...

When that girl from my past came back... I associated the feelings that i had had for her, to the present. The person i was back then, was all about that girl. and that girl had gotten away from him... But I should have known... I wasn't that person anymore... I'd changed, and so had she... But for some reason this simple understanding had eluded me... and i'd thought that I was having these feelings for another girl... and freaked like i did... not knowing what to do, and did the worst thing by boxing my ex out... and ignoring her while i tried to figure out what was going on...

In reality... my ex was the only person for me... The me that i am now... I had wanted to marry her long before that, and she wasn't ready... And now, I look back, and I wonder what the hell was wrong with me that I ever let some blast from the past ever cloud my judgement... I don't understand it at all... and I wish every night that i could just go back in time and make things right... but i can't... I won't ever be able to take back what I've done...

And for all I know, the damage I caused could be permanent... She might be gone forever... *long sigh* and I just don't know how much longer of this I can take...

For hours I'll be fine and then I'll hit a sudden wall of a faded memory and there she is, dominating my mind. And from then on its all I can do to keep the depressing thoughts away... and i rarely win. just when i start to think, i might be able to do this... A flash comes back, I remember how happy i was with her, and it spirals downhill until i'm envisioning some other guy being that happy with her...

And i'm just not sure i can handle it. I have no other choice... but its getting harder all the time... I'm just not sure if i'm going to be able to truly move on with my life without her by my side... and I'm still so very sure that I cannot let her go...

I never did like the amusement park...

So, been on a roller coaster here lately... Up and then Down. Twirled about and flipped around. I did great last night... after making a fool out of myself to her yesterday morning. Work went fine... I was ok with things for almost 6 hours... and then when the clock rolled over to about 5am... thats when it started to come back. The pain, the missing her, the regrets, the wishing i could go back... And then it was a teeter totter after that. I did my best to snap out of it, to shake it off, and distract myself with somethign else, but it was tough... the night before last was the worst... I couldn't shake it all night... mostly cause of the top friends thing, well that was what started it anyway... But the whole shift i was just stuck on her and us... and couldn't get my mind and heart away from it. It made the eight hour shift feel like forever... i was shocked at how fast last night went in comparison...

But this is the way i think its going to be... so long as i refuse to give up on us... I think this rollercoaster will be there. Because no matter how smoothly my life may start rolling (with any luck) i'm going to be plagued by the memories... or i'm going to notice something on her page, or she might say something, or someone else may say something... as long as i'm leaving myself open to the fact that i still love her and want to be with her, i think i'm going to be willingly subjecting myself to these waves and episodes of hurt.

I guess time will just tell, if i can handle it, or if i will break... In the end I feel it will be worth it... as long as i can make it through... I'm just so afraid that If i close off. If i stop hoping, if I allow myself to become only her friend and force myself to stop loving her the way i do now... I'm afraid that that will be it... The last thread being cut... I feel like if i do that, then there won't be any hope left for us... as a couple...

I don't know... I'm going to see a friend of mine this weekend. she's always been the person i've gone to for advice... for long talks... when i just needed someone to say, i understand... We'll see what my mind-set is like next week after i talk to her... because I asked my ex... (thats right... I'm finally using that word... not gf, but ex...) I asked her this morning in a text if there was anyway we could get together next week sometime... Hopefully we can... and hopefully i'll have a better idea of where i'm at and where I stand... because i want to talk to her...

I want to talk to her, and clarify exactly what we are trying to work for in this friendship... because as i've stated... she doesn't call me, or text me, or message me without my initiation right now... And she's made no attempts to plan any sort of get-togethers, or anything of that nature... And frankly, those are things that friends do. If she wants us to be friends, and good friends, like we were before... we have to spend time together, we have to talk to each other. She had said before she needed to know she could trust me. Needed to get to know the real me (once i figured out who that was) but if she never calls to talk to me, or tell me about whats going on in her life, or anything like that... I jsut don't see how i can show her i'm here... or show her who i am...

But, alas, i need to get some sleep so i can get up this evening and head back into work...