why

*Big Deep Breaths*

So i was on the verge of losing it today... The message window is still open, waiting, tempting me to type into it. To send her another one of my pitiful i need you in my life sob stories... I can't do it... I can't let myself do it...

I saw my friend last weekend, stayed up there for a few days. It was great. Not a care in the world, just hanging out, did the Halloween thing, watched some movies, just overall good time... then I came home, and i was refreshed. Did some stuff, went back to work, the nine yards...

Texted the ex on tuesday, wanted to talk to her. And we coordinated a meeting at barnes and noble after her class before my shift at work. grabbed some coffees and just walked around the store. small talk. simple, non loaded statements and questions... as it would go, i needed to ask her some advice about a situation i was having with my sister, and so i did and she did her best to help me out... and we kept up the small talk.

Things weren't too awkward, i found that i could stand in front of her, and look her in the eyes finally. And not have an overwhelming urge to rush into her arms and kiss her and hold her close. It was there... I wanted to... wanted to wrap my arm around her while we walked, to hold her hand... she looked SO good. and I miss her SO much... But it wasn't overwhelming. I felt pretty good about the two of us conversing...

Although originally i had wanted to speak to her pointedly about some things... that just didn't seem to be in the cards, and i hardly wanted to ruin the decent vibes we had going with the friendly chat, so i left things be. We headed out to the parking lot and i told her by our cars that i was going to try and step back for awhile... to slow down my texting and calling of her, but that it wasn't because i didn't want to talk or see her, and it wasn't that i was wanting to avoid her... just that i was going to try and work on me for awhile...

She said it was fine, and then we said our goodbyes and headed seperate ways.

I texted her from work to reiterate, to tell her why i wanted to do that... told her that I still love her and care for her and miss her... but that i was coming to terms and grips with our situation and realizing that the only thing i could do was to stop trying to push anything into action, and that i just wanted her to know... so that in the future, if and when her feelings come back for me, she'll know i hadn't lost mine for her...

She told me she understood what i was saying, but asked me to promise that I wouldn't hold myself back from anything on her account... more or less asking me to promise that i wouldn't turn someone away because i was waiting for her...

I promised... Because, i'm pretty sure that is how i feel. At least it was at the time. Back then on tuesday, i'd felt that i'd realized... I wanted to be with her... wanted her to be with me... but i felt that suddenly i'd realized i didn't NEED it... I told her the same thing she'd told me a few weeks back... i wasn't looking for anything... but if it came up i wouldn't push it away...

and that was that...
or so i thought...

The rest of the week went by fairly well... Every day is still a teeter totter though... and i can never seem to make it through a full shift at work without the last few hours being plagued by longing, lonely, heartbroken memories of her and us...

But this morning it hit me the hardest yet... and i haven't been able to shake it since... all parts of me keep screaming, 'you've gotta push. tell her how you feel, convince her that you should be together. they tell me that the longer i let us stay apart, the less and less of a chance there will ever be an US again... that if i don't say everythign i can possibly think of to say... and do everything i possibly can do to remind her of how happy we were, and to convince her that we can be that happy again... that she's going to find someone new and never look back...

I force myself to calm down... reminding myself that she's made up her mind... and that she needs this space and time to herself... But I feel it in the back of my head and the bottom of my heart... I just wish she would let me in... Since its started, i've been very open with my thoughts and opinions and emotions... I've done my best to keep her updated with how i'm doing and whats going on with me... But she doesn't do the same. I'm grateful for her for listening... but...

Why doesn't she tell me anything? I know she's trying to be alone and not have someone that she leans on... because that was one of the reasons she wanted to end it... because she felt she had been using me as a crutch... but... I need to know. I need to know whats going on with her... if she still thinks about me... how she feels about me... How she's doing with things that don't even deal with me...

I'm so in the dark that i'm left to my own imagination to make hideous assumptions.. and i don't like it...

and when she responds to me with something like, "Promise me you won't hold yourself back because of me." it scares me... Because i understand the surface meaning... but... it makes me think... has she already decided? already made up her mind that she's not going to give me another chance... but she just isn't telling me? I don't really beleive it... if theres one thing about her, its that she doesn't bullshit... she says what she means and says it straight... Its one of the many things that i find attractive in her... But even so... My mind wonders...

I just don't know. I don't know if she hates me for what i did... or if she's still hurting from it... or if she's just trying to forget it and not deal with it at all, or if she's moved past it... And she doesn't owe me any of this... but I just wish i could ask her. I wish she would tell me without me asking, too...

Looking for apartments now... and she's doing the same... We SHOULD be looking for them together, i keep telling myself... If i hadn't have been an idiot and did what i did, we'd be looking to move in together, where we'd get along great... because i can't do the laundry and she enjoys it, i can't cook but she enjoys it... she hates vacuuming and dusting, two of the household chores that i actually enjoy... We got along so well... I just... ugh!

keep asking myself why?

And i've slowly realized it... what happened... and if i'd only had the clairevoyance at the time... i can only imagine that things would have turned out much better for us all...

When that girl from my past came back... I associated the feelings that i had had for her, to the present. The person i was back then, was all about that girl. and that girl had gotten away from him... But I should have known... I wasn't that person anymore... I'd changed, and so had she... But for some reason this simple understanding had eluded me... and i'd thought that I was having these feelings for another girl... and freaked like i did... not knowing what to do, and did the worst thing by boxing my ex out... and ignoring her while i tried to figure out what was going on...

In reality... my ex was the only person for me... The me that i am now... I had wanted to marry her long before that, and she wasn't ready... And now, I look back, and I wonder what the hell was wrong with me that I ever let some blast from the past ever cloud my judgement... I don't understand it at all... and I wish every night that i could just go back in time and make things right... but i can't... I won't ever be able to take back what I've done...

And for all I know, the damage I caused could be permanent... She might be gone forever... *long sigh* and I just don't know how much longer of this I can take...

For hours I'll be fine and then I'll hit a sudden wall of a faded memory and there she is, dominating my mind. And from then on its all I can do to keep the depressing thoughts away... and i rarely win. just when i start to think, i might be able to do this... A flash comes back, I remember how happy i was with her, and it spirals downhill until i'm envisioning some other guy being that happy with her...

And i'm just not sure i can handle it. I have no other choice... but its getting harder all the time... I'm just not sure if i'm going to be able to truly move on with my life without her by my side... and I'm still so very sure that I cannot let her go...