30 - Frozen

Snows falling... everywhere.

ugh.

I got the update on the day/time for bed text from Jaden last night, afterall. And i'm glad to know that she's still alright, and that things are still going well for her. it doesn't change much of how i felt yesterday, though.

Today?

Well, Today is Sunday. Today is Football.

Bears don't play till the night game... But I think i'm gonna head home and watch it with the Sis... her BF was supposed to be coming over to watch it too, but apparently his mom changed her mind... sound sort of familiar... Neway, i've not got much going on here and not a lot exciting to do, so i don't see any reason not to head up and hang out there at home... Specially since i dont' have to go to work tomorrow i can prolly just spend the night there at moms.

I'm getting hungry now... time to eat... and start the day. we'll see where it ends up.

So, playing guitar hero with the sis, and green bay lost to carolina... all in all its been a decent sunday... will probably re-blog once the night time rools around. laters

[ ] - Twenty Four Hours

Ok... So try this one on for size. Breaking Point was four hours... Its now been twenty four hours since the last time Jaden's bothered to text me. Can I lie and say that i'm not hurt by that? Absolutely not.

What can I do about that?

Absolutely nothing.

She knows. She knows i'm nervous, knows i'm anxious, knows that i worry. And she even said in her last text last night that she'd talk to me tomorrow. Which is now today. So. Yeah. I'm hurt.

Honestly I don't think I deserve it.

Part of me wonders if this is her way of getting a message sent to me. I remember from the time that I looked at her myspace messages, that she said to one of her friends she hoped she wouldn't have to pack up all her stuff to get the message through to me that we needed to break up. That was while i was still trying to find some way to make things work out.... is this her newest version of that? Showing me she can fly accross the country to hang out with Ace, and forget about me for the weekend?

Because that is .exactly. how I feel right now. Regardless of whether its true or not. I feel absolutely and completely forgotten. Like I never even mattered in the first place. And it does .not. feel good.

*shrugs a bit, with a frantic sigh*

I don't know. I don't know what else to say. It is what it is. And god am I tired of saying that. Maybe I'll get the bed time text tonight. Maybe I won't. whatever.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And counting.

Its hard to believe... that the Jaden I know, the Jaden I love... could do this. Knowing what she knows about how I feel... Its hard to believe that she couldn't possibly find a way to send one single text message to me today. Not one.

And I'm supposed to be able to sleep tonight? seriously?

I'm supposed to make it through tonight? into tomorrow? will i even hear from her then, when she leaves him and his barracks to spend the night with her other friend there because his leave is over? Will i hear from her again at all before she gets back here?

Does this not seem like a big deal, to her? Did I not make it clear enough? How anxious i was about this whole thing? Or does she just not care? She's going to do what shes going to do and have her fun and Gauge be damned?

*shakes head slowly*

I don't want to believe that. I don't want to believe that shes knowingly keeping me in the dark here. That shes purposefully not messaging me. But, whats the alternative? Is something wrong? did something happen? A car accident? Drunk driver? I mean... .anything. could happen. And how would i ever know if something did? Who's going to think to let me know if somethings happened to her?

Am I over-reacting? yeah well maybe I am a little... But, i mean wtf, right? If she knows how much I care about her and knows how much I worry, a 'hey i'm still alive' would suffice. Instead I'm laying here, forcing myself to not text her so that I don't bother her or ruin her good time or look like the pathetic needy ex boyfriend i am...

Forcing myself to remain here, to stay in the dark... while i worry that something could have happened to her... or could be happening to her...

And I know she said they had an 'outing' planned... fine. maybe it was a late night sort of outing... but a text to let me know they were headed out and that it was going to be a late night, would that have been too much to ask? its getting well on midnight there already.

*sighs*

Hopefully all those sleep meds will kick in soon and I won't have to lay awake here thinking about all of this until the morning. Maybe by then she'll have decided I matter.

maybe.

29 - Misadventures

Alright, so its not the 29th yet. So sue me. TJ just left... We watched some family guy, had a few drinks. It was nice to see him. Itd been months since the last time we hung out. He probably could have stayed longer too, but, I've got a phone call to make, tonight. Thanksgiving greetings i sent out yesterday to most of my contact list, including an old friend who i've crossed too many times to not feel ashamed about. Someone I thought woulnd't ever speak to me again...

But after some strained and near hostile texts, and a sobering textual conversation later, we've decided to try the friends thing again, since we're both adults and all of that. When we got past the unpleasantries and got to the catching up part, i gave her a novel in text form to read about the latest in my life and she suggested rightly that we should probably hash out the ketchup verbally... last night didn't work out so well because by the time she was free i'd already medicated and was half passed out. So tonights the night we're gonna talk.

not sure how its gonna go yet... but, i can only hope it goes well. Its been a hard year of thinking she didn't consider me her friend anymore... And i'd like to get that friendship back.

In other news, I did finally get a text from Jaden... of the good night variety... She said she'd stopped to get waffels... which doesn't suprise me... and they started talking there... and it was time for bed for her, would have been about nine thirty their time... so.. We'll see what tomorrow brings on that front. Hopefully she'll text me a little bit more, but if not I'll deal with it. tomorrow me and tam Tam are hanging out anyway... and it sounds like TJ might be stopping by too later on in the evening... so hopefully with all the distractions i'll be ok.

Well, I should probably go lay down... Destina will be calling shortly and I've still not a clue what or how i'm going to say what needs to be said. So... without further ado, I'll finish this blog off on the actual 29th, sometime in the next 12 hours or so ;) Laters y'all!


Sunshiney Morning. What to say.... well, talked to Destina last night. it went well enough. Its hard to not run into a few awkward moments and silent pauses... But they were few and far enough between. felt like we got caught up in far fashion. It really was a relief to be able to talk to her again. And I was genuinely suprised that we seemed to getalong as well as we did... after everything thats happened.

Another couple of hours from now itll be time to go meet Tam Tam soo that we can have out shopping day. I'm looking forward to that.

Haven't heard from jaden yet this morning. *shrugs a bit* don't suppose i expected to, either, though. Todays supposed to be their going out day after yesterdays ketching up day, So i'm really not expecting much at all. Maybe another bedtime text or something.

Don't know how i'm feeling about her and him and the whole coast trip right now, but i'm going to try pretty hard to not dwell on it today. And tomorrow will be a new day.

Well, back home now from the day out with Tam Tam... It didn't go quite how i'd imagined... but maybe thats a good sign? very little time was spent discussing or relating the events of home or between me and Jaden, and mostly we just walked round the mall once or twice, had some lunch, and then went to a movie. *shrugs a lil* Got me to 1530 today... So, thats always a good thing... Now its time to decide if i want to text TJ and hang out with him again this afternoon/evening... Surely it'd be nice to have the continued distraction, particularly since its 1530 now and i've yet to receieve any sort of communique from the coast...

*small sigh* The movie didn't help either, because in true holiwood fashion, the couple overcame their differences and lived happily ever after, like they always do... Like i wish Jaden and i could.

*another sigh* well, theres still plenty of saturday left to tackle, so I should go get to it...

[ ] - Four hours

Four hours.
Two Hundred Forty minutes.
Fourteen Thousand Four Hundred seconds.

Breaking point.

So thats that, huh? good to know, i guess. Four hours is how long I can go without hearing from Jaden, while knowing she's with Ace, before the freakout. Four hours. Not good. How many stretches of four hours are there before his leave ends, on sunday?

Seven or Eight... rough guestimate...

Thats going to be a lot of freakouts.

Its Seven oclock there... supper time maybe? little earlier, little later? Surely they've made it to wherever they were going, be it a mall or a resteraunt or the base/barracks, or something... A simple 'hey things are going ok' or 'got here safe' or 'how are you' or... hell i'd just settle for a random elipse, three simple dots... at least i'd know she was ok and able to text...

I'm about to start chomping at the bit, here, I think...

Four hours.

28 - Hard Contact

So she's there, now. Out on the coast. In the car with Ace. Texts have dried up, as she said they would. I'm now on the outside, looking in. And its a long look from 20 some odd hours away. The rest of today... All of tomorrow, and nearly all of Sunday. She'll be with him. They're supposed to be talking tonight, about the past. How that will end and phase into sleep in the barracks is something i can't bring myself to think about, right now. Tomorrow... well, depending on how tonight goes will probably dictate when tomorrow starts... I know she mentioned something about an 'outing' night planned... Judging by precedence i'd say that probably means out to a club somewhere. Dancing. She really likes to do that. They'll probably go clubbing, its what they used to do... familiar. Probably end up somewhere for an early morning supper... then that night will end, someway, too... Then sunday, Sunday will probably end up being a close quarters day, clingy if you will... Talks about the present, about hsi deployment... about the future... if i had to venture a guess.... His leave ends round 6 or 8.... can't remember which... So she'll probably either be getting picked up by her friend out there then, or he'll be dropping her off. *shrugs* either way i might get a few texts in before she goes into talk mode with ther friend... and in all reality itll probably be well into tuesday, maybe her drive home, before i get into steady communication with her again...

I should have know, and part of me thinks i did... but i didn't really think it was going to be this rough. I can only hope and pray i have enough distractions lined up to make it through without fatally deep scars. Beause I can feel the razors edges of these menacing thoughts already cutting into me. I don't know if she understands just how hard of a position this is for me to be in or not... But i also know that even if she does, that alone wouldn't have been enough for her to reconsider. Which is why i didn't even bother talking to her about it to that extent. Its better for her and everyone but me if she can go through the weekend without worrying herself about me.

Its just left to see how many pieces i end up in on tuesday, and what sort of shape i'll be in after i pick them all up. I won't be forgetting the 2nd of Dec anytime soon, either, I think.

Well, i've got like 4 days worth of mail here because of the holiday, that i need to sort... I should really get started on it... I'm sure i'll have more to fill in later.

home now... again its so quiet, so empty... and now that I know she's with him, its all that I can possibly think about. The two of them, alone in the car, heading back towards his barracks, or wherever it is that they might be going. Can you spell jealous? Because I am... But moreso than just jealous... I'm frightened, threatened, scared, intimidated, nervous and hurt.

And those are emotions that are hard enough to be on their own, much less all together like i feel them now.

I'm so hungry... maybe eating will help. I've got to clear my mind somehow... Or i'm going to tear myself apart with these thoughts and fears...

27 - Thus it shall be

...

And so it is. She's on her way to the gas station now... quqick stop for some oil and some air for her tires, then its off to her parents for thanksgiving dinner... they're eating early so that she can "come back home" yet today... but in all reality she's going to Ace's parents house, and will be spending the night there. They'll be taking her to the airport and keeping her car for her on friday morning, and that will be it. 24 hours from now she'll be well on her way to the east coast and he'll be there waiting to pick her up.

That goodbye was way too short... way to meaningless... way to... indifferent. If its the last hug i get from her, it was sorely inadequate and i'll never forgive myself for not asking for more... We'll just have to let it go though. Let it go like everything else. My fate is in the air and controlled by someone other than myself now... so all i can do is eat sleep and die. Lets get to it.


Home again, home again. but it doesn't feel like it at all. So quiet... So empty... I've got all the lights on, the tv going and the laptop running... but theres a presence here that is surely missed, and that presence is one I cannot simulate or duplicate with any amount of artificial interference.

Its funny how i could live here alone for three months and never really have a problem with it... juts because of the mentality that she was mine and she was coming home soon... and that her thoughts and her heart were with me. maybe thats what the presence really is.... her heart mind and soul... And right now, I think those things rest fully with her, and soon with her and him.

So maybe thats the emptiness I feel here now.

I don't know. Not something thats healthy for me to dwell on at all... In another 30 min or so it'll be time for me to head to bed, and try to hope that sleep will come. I think i had a lot more thoughts that i wanted to scratch down in this update but i feel like most have gone away, and the rest are ones i'd rather not spend time on enough to give them corporeal form.

So i Suppose unless some horrible nightmare shakes me out of sleep tonight and i don't see and end in sight, I think this will be all for todays blog, and I'll probably write more tomorrow.

26 - Tommorow Says Goodbye

hmmm.

So its Wed. Tomorrow morning is the day I hug Jaden goodbye, and know that I won't see her again until Tue, Dec 2nd, after her trip to the coast to see Ace. I'd like to say that the time has flown, since the day she told me she'd purchased the tickets for the trip... But I can't. There have been times, yes, that I've felt have sped up or have seemed to have gone quicker than normal, but, in the grand scheme of things, it does still feel like i've had well over a month to dwell and drum this weekend over, and over again in my head.

I messaged Ace, over yahoo, yesterday afternoon. And he questioned Jaden about it when she called him that evening, before she got home from work, before i'd even had a chance to think about letting her know about it. Hindsight being twenty twenty as it always is, I should have told her I was doing it before i hit the send key, at the very least. We did talk about it though, think we're as ok about that as we're probably going to get... I really hadn't meant any malice or harm but... then again, intentions don't necesarrily matter, anymore, do they?

I found out after she got home that instead of video gaming, the co-workers have decided it would be a better idea to go to ladies night at the strip club. I don't do strip clubs... So already i'm counted out of the nights activities... Before, i'd imagined that she would be going gaming, probably fairly soon after work, and might even be home round the time i was getting homr from work, or at least around supper time... but now? Now she's going to be taking care of errands... may or may not be there when i get back, and tonight will be spent at the strip club, on ladies night, with a bunch of horny strange guys and horny strange girls who go to a place like that to spend money for immediate gratitude and... *sighs* well, just goes to underline the point that she's not attatched to me anymore and can and will do what she wants to do. And I don't have a choice but to accept that.

If she'd rather go watch women take off their clothes and rub themselves all over her and the other guys, instead of spending this evening with me before she takes off for home and then the coast, thats something i've got to deal with. Its my own fault for getting my hopes up/trying to plan ahead. It'll end up being a warm up, i suppose... getting used to being alone tonight will help maybe in the getting used to being alone until tuesday. heh.

We talked about the trip, last night, too... Talked to her about my reservations/questions... She told me that frankly, she wouldn't be looking for anything with him until at least after he gets back from the deployment... and said something along the lines of him telling her he wasn't interesting in a commitment until he was out of the service... or somethign along those lines... which still isn't to say that when they get together and the past gets hashed out, that they won't decide to throw that all to the birds and wing it anyway... but thats part of the future i know I can't control.

Found out she's planning on staying in his barracks with him for the days she'll be with him. Which, frankly isn't any better than them sharing a hotel room, in my opinion, but again its not my place to decide. Whatever is going to happen will. And I think she knows or is at least partially aware that staying with him like that is like an open door to something physical/intimate going on between them, and it seems at least from last nights discussion that thats not only something shes ok with, but that she might fairly well be expecting.

So thats just another thing i'll have to deal with. I knew from the start that just because we still slept together and sheet wrinkled now and again that it didn't mean we were comitted to anything. So it shouldn't be such a suprise that she'd be ok with the thought of her sleeping with/doing things with someone else. And maybe it wasn't really a suprise, in the true definition of the word... maybe it was just my subconcious hope that she'd have drawn a personal line or barrier in there, somewhere...?

IDK... What I do know is, that every one in three times i close my eyes, I see a twisted picture, painted by my own worthless mind, of her and him together in the throws of ecstacy. And it hurts me. Alot, deep inside. *shrugs* but, it is what it is, right? If something or somethings do happen between them while she's out there, it will end up being something we'll have to talk about, and from there we will have to decide how to go on from that.

And its something I don't have a clue as to how i'll be affected by. She won't have cheated on me, because we aren't together... but i think it will probably feel the same to me, regardless. I've never been cheated on, before, so i don't have a precedence to go from. So itll have to be situational, off the cuff and on the fly, i suppose. whether or not it will effect how i feel, whether or not it will change my feelings towards her, my feelings about her, or my perception of her and me.

What else? I wish i could stop her dreams for her... They're wrecking havoc on her sleep at night and i feel bad for her. and selfishly i know, but i don't want her going out there and having them go away and having it seem as though he made them go away for her, when i couldn't. *shrugs* i'm not ashamed to say that. I wish her dreams will stop. period. and if it has to be that way then it does and i'll still feel better knowing they aren't plaguing her anymore... But, i can't lie and say i hope it isn't being with him that stops them.

And, yet, even now, I still can't find it in my soul to dislike him. To blame him, or even be angry at him. And the same goes for her. I still can't find it in me to blame her, or to decide that my hurt is because of her, or to feel as though she's mistreating me...

On a few lighter notes...
I think i need to shave...
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and that means turkey, mashed patatoes, and pumpkin pie!!!!!!!!
Saturday is Shopping with Tam Tam!
Sunday is possibly football with Shane...
And TJ just texted me saying he'll be in town too, so hopefully i can fill in any of the voids with hanging out with him.

Next thursday is our new touch up appt for our tats... Friday is RoughRiders Hockey Time!!!!
And the week after that is both the Metro and Aegon xmas parties... bring on the drinks and fun!!!

I've gotta load up this paper now... get ready for the next mail run, may or may not be back soon to add more... we'll see. Thanks for listening.

25 - Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel, was just a freight train comin your way

Tuesday. Or so they tell me.

Well, Ace didn't dissapoint, yesterday. He did indeed call... and just about as late as I'd thought he might. But, Jaden also didn't dissapoint, in fact I was fairly suprised, even though I knew she was tired and had been falling asleep most of the way through the second half of Airplane... still, i was fairly suprised when she did not answer the phone. Now, what that means going into tonight or tomorrow night? I'm not sure, but, thats in the future and can't be worried about right now. Right now all that matters, really, is that he called late last night, and she didn't answer it.

And why does he call so late? On the East coast of all places? He's got a full hour head start to begin with, so why the need to wait until 2300 or later his time before he bothers to dial her up on the phone? Regardless of the inconsideratness that it shoes for the sleep cycle, what gives with that? Maybe I'm just miffed about it and over-reacting.

The cuddling was gone, last night... Not even just a decrease from sunday night, literally gone. Maybe she was just that tired... or maybe it was what my gut and first reaction goes to, adn thats getting teh call from him. *shrugs* also irrelavant, in the grand scheme of things... but its these small thigns that tend to claw their way into my mind and then remain there with relentless determination until they eat me up inside.

I made Torsk, last night... Although it was slightly ad libbed... apparently the fish frozen in our freezer was cat and not cod... *shrugs unknowingly* how was I supposed to know that? Either way, Jaden thought it was great, and that made me pretty happy... It wasn't bad I thought, but i felt as though it could have been better...

Heroes was captivating, as it seems to ussually be, and Chuck warming up before Heroes was decently funny, as ussual, as well...

I've decided to work on friday, even though i had the chance to not... I think at least working and having something going on will hopefully help with the fact that Jaden will be out there on the coast... I've managed to arrange a shopping trip with an old friend of mine for Saturday, So hopefully that will keep me slightly distracted as well, and theres a possibility that i might go to a coworkers place to watch the football game on Sunday... Then work again on monday before she comes home on tuesday...

I think its my only hope to try to stay as absolutely busy as possible. Elst my mind and imagination will shred me into a pitiful pile of worry, hurt, heartbreak, and emptiness. And I don't particularly want that.

I mentioned it a bit, to Spike, one of her friends from Ames that I feel able to claim as my friend as well... and his advice, though i already knew it, was to just Relax. Because theres literally nothing I can do about it all. Its the truth and its simple enough in concept... Just the execution phase that i'm having trouble with.

Well, pc's about to restart... Something about updates... more later

*sigh*

I can feel it starting... that cold hand in my gut, slowly solidifying... Sharpening its claws, getting ready to start twisting up by inards and shredding things up. And i'm doing my best to thwart it. Doing my best to relax. To let things be. Developing a plan to try to stay busy, reminding myself how much i can't change things and how much control of the situation i dob't have... Trying to convince myself that its just a visit, and nothing more.

I think i need to try harder.

Nonetheless, the beat goes on. The sun rises and falls, and things keep on going. And thats exactly what I've got to do. I've got to just keep on going. Things are bound to happen the way they will, and i've just got to play my part the only way i can and know how. It should be obvious by now that events are outside of my own control. I couldn't do anything to stop Jaden from ending things, no matter how hard i tried. It was just the way she needed things to be. The same probably goes for my last breakup and how it turned out too...

I've just got to relax and be me and see how things turn out in the end. Too much of this speculating and worrying and trying to see into the future is just simply not good for me, and I"ve got to find a way to quit it. Well, I suppose that'll be all for now... nother few minutes and it'll be time for this run... and then its off to home, figure out what the evenings looking like schedule wise, do what i need to do until Jaden gets home from work, and go from there. He'll call tonight, probably... So i'll need to be prepared for that... however i do that, well i still haven't figured out how to properly prepare or deal with that... but... *shrugs* i can't kid myself and expect him not to... so, we'll see.

See y'all on the other side.

Heh, well as fate would have it ace already called and left another voicemail... no doubt like the one he left yesterday that made her laugh that way she always does for him... And she's already texted me to let me know she will be calling him back tonight. So... Thats that. Not sure still how i'm going to prepare or handle it but its inevitable now... my prediction, though... is that she'll call fairly early in the night, and he won't answer... she'll leave a voice mail, and then later on in the night, after we've done our evening stuff and are either getting ready for or already in bed, he'll call back... she'll take a blanket, a pillow, and her skeleton kitty out to the living room to talk for hours... and i'll be forsaken in the bedroom, trying not to hear, unable to sleep, and unable to distract myself in any successful way....

Just a prediction... but precedence is on my side...

in other news... well, thats pretty much all the news... home now... waiting for her to get done with work so we can go help our friends by moving their trash cans back after trash day... then getting some gas in my car... then coming home to do whatever it is we'll be passing off for supper tonight, and finding out how much of the evening i'll have with her before or after the call... and going from there... because thats all that I can do.

24 - Pretty pictures, painted with the mind

holy crap... i just lost that entire blog... wtf, over. ugh! i'll try to re-write it later, i guess.

Alright... Well, i appologize in advance for the way this blog turns out, now, since its going to be a re-type... and they're never quite the same as teh original...

Heh, turns out this version might be a little different afterall... I'd written a bit about the Jaden/Ace situtaion in the first draft, and the lack of contact as of late. As it would turn out, he called her today, and has been out in the field without his phone for a bit. So that sort of nullifies whatever I had to say on that issue. But brings up a different issue for me now... Being as its been a solid week and some change since i've had to deal with it... now that he's been gone for 2 weeks and they haven't talked... surely he won't be waiting till she gets out there from her flight to want to talk to her... So surely i can expect at least one, possibly three phone calls over the next three nights before thanksgiving.

How am I going to handle that? I've not had to deal with it in so long, i've gotten used to not having to worry about it, anticipate it, or dread it. This past four or five days has been pretty smooth and free-flowing between Jaden and I. Now how will that dynamic change if he starts wanting her time in the evening, again?

And on another front... she won't be taking her half-day tomorrow, due to the fact that she's taking friday/saturday off. And subsequently, the shops closed at noon on Wed. but, as it so now seems, she's been invited by co-workers to go videogaming at their place that afternoon... That afternoon being the last one I'll have to spend any time with her before she leaves for her parents place for thanksgiving, and from there she'll be flying out to see him.

And I know i don't have any right to stake claim on her time. So, i don't really have any right to expect or even request for that matter, that I get some time with her over the next handful of days... So... where might that leave me? Possibly Jaden deprived prior to her taking off... which i can only imagine will make the duration of her trip just that much more unbearable, for me...

In other news... It would turn out to seem as though Sundays are not a day that is condusive to blogging. Between the laundry, then the game, then salvaging any of the day after the game... it just doesn't seem probable for me to get much of anything done on the blog front. so rather than become frustrated in the future by this... i'm going to go ahead and make an excecutive decision and decide that sundays are exempt.

How was Sunday, though? A quick recap.... The Bears Won! This was a very good thing. Watched the game over at our friends' place... the ones that Jaden was at on sat night... so the game on the big screen was cool. we had a sort of pre-turkey day lunch with them, and it was pleasant enough... knowing what i knew from the night before i noticed a bit of the tension going on between the couple, and that wasn't so fun... but theres not much that can be done for that...

Im hoping that maybe spending some time hanging out with Jaden alone might help the misses of the house out... also hoping that maybe with some open communication and understanding the couple themselves might be able to work things out... its always hard to see any couple get into those sorts of situations... and especially hard when you know them... And i'm concerned for them, for sure... but at the same time i worry a bit about Jaden, because the last thing i think she needs right now is another friend in a crisis that she feel sthe need to help out... When i think what she really wants and needs is just some time to work on herself....

Time will tell on that one, i'm sure.

After the game though, movies. holy heck movies. hehe. We watched V for Vendetta, which was, as it always is, great. Just a classic, well acted, well written movie all around... And then, Flushed Away... a dreamworks film that for one reason or another i'd just not managed to get around to watching as of yet. It was cute enough and lightend up the post Vendetta mood nicely. However it ended on the edge of sleepiness, and while we tried to push for that third flick, Airplane, Jaden tapped out some ways into it. So we shifted into the bedroom and got down under the covers for the night...

And was she ever delightfully cuddlely. Though i did and still do worry about her a little bit, because towards the middle of the night she def seemed to exhibit the signs and symptoms i've come to relate to her being lost in dreamland... and from the sounds of it, it didn't seem all that good. Which, thinking about it that way, could have explained the cuddling of the morning... or it could not. i don't know, and don't worry about it all that much... it was just nice to be held and to hold her for a bit.

What else... What else was there....?

Oh, yes... Its monday. That means just four short days until Jadens gone... and I've yet to understand myself what i want to ask or say... Times ticking down quickly. And especially if she's going to be gaming on wed, its ticking down faster than i'd like...

But what is it that I'm really wanting to say?

Well, theres the obvious. I .want. to get down on my knees and beg her to take me back, so as to eliminate teh possibility of anything else going down out there on the coast. But we all know i won't do that. Because thats just not right.

What I want to tell her though? What I want to know in return? Well, what /i/ .want. doens't quite factor in here, I think... Not in any of the ways i truly would like it too... So its broken down into the simple facts...

I want to let her know, that I understand i don't have the attatchments to her I once did... but, at the same time, I am still at least an involved third party in whats about to transpire... and to ask her to try to keep that in mind, as much as she is able, at any rate. That I still have feelings for her, and I still care about her... and that even though those two things are very true, that I am also still her friend, and that that isn't about to change.

I do want to know if they're planning on spending the nights in the same hotel room. I think thats a fair enough question to ask. depending on how the moods flux between now and when i get the chance to have the conversation, i'd like to bring up that text message, if for nothing else but to find out if its going to be none of my business, jsut to get some closure on that end.

I keep trying to ask myself what i'm going to get out of any of this.... What is going to change or be better after i've said and brought these things up, because thats seeming to be the way or reason why it should happen... and while i can't seem to find an answer for it (which should mean i shouldn't even do it, if its not goign to help anything for anyone)...

Yet... even so, I can't seem to get any of the stuff off my mind, at least not permanatly, it always seems to find a way to creep back up on me. So if nothing else... I think i need to just get the words out of my head... verbally. Put them out into the air between us, and perhaps find some relief that way.

As far as the main titles concerned... From a perspective of the weekend and its events... I've gradually felt as though i've been getting closer to Jaden. And I cna't yet tell if its just the circumstances of the days and their events... Whether moving the furniture in had anything to do with it, cleaning out the closet together, or... if its purely coincidence... if its truth, or if its just another one of those pretty little pictures that i paint inside my head...

But i know i'd like it not to stop. And in the spirit of winging it, and not over-thinking ever minute detail... I'm not going to stop it. If it becomes to much for her... if it becomes inappropriate to her. She'll have to let me know. She'll have to tell me to cool off the longing gazes, and sizing her up. She'll have to tell me to stop sitting so close to her on the couch, to stop rubbing her feet, to stop slapping her butt when she presents me the oppurtunity... and all the other little things that make me feel as though i'm falling in love all over again, day after day.

This month starts a mark of more tests to come... Because it was this month that she and I started to develop into more than freinds, last year. The first weekend in Nov was her halloween party... When i drove up to Ames to see her and hang out for the first time in a year or so... And not two weekends later, She came down to my place for a weekend... and thats when the first sheets wrinkled... and then each subsequent weekend after that, here or there, or just over the phone or facebook... back and forth we grew closer, and closer. Thanksgiving day, 3 days away... i wrecked my car and was nearly devastated... because that weekend i was supposed to go up and see her again!

And so on and so forth as the story went. And I find myself now, at random times during the day, suddenly remembering where i was last year on this day at this time or that. And its almost crippling, at times, to compare it to now.

But all of that is niether here or there... just the workings of my ever busy imagination and thought process, doing their best to haunt me with all these bittersweet memories. I've just gots to keep driving on, and not give up on hope. Hope and Faith are the only thigns i've got left, at this point, to count on. So hope I will.

That everything has happened and will continue to happen for a reason, and that when all things are said and done... the dust will settle on a pleasant outcome. I truly hope that it will...

On a side note, sounds like Jadens day has been a not so fun one. :( which is too bad. Hopefully tonight can make up for that somehow... dinner and heroes at the least... We'll see how things go.

22 - Whats this? Whats this? There's white stuff everywhere!

Thats right... SNOW. the S word... Its here. whether we're ready for it or not. Yay. :(

hmm... Gonna be quick this morning have some hazardous package handling training to attend... Then home to straighten up for a bit... then off to moms place to do dinner w lex n mom n grandma.

.sneezes. i hope that stops soon, too.

on a less pleasant note... wtf was up with those dreams last night. I did not like them one bit. not one bit at all.

And, on a side note.... did she really pull away from me when i tried to kiss her last night.... or was it jusut a coincidence of the way the sheets were wrinkling?

Well... time to get dressed so that the day might get under-way.

see you all later... maybe.

We'll that training was pretty much a waste... basically told us everything a monkey would know... what is a suspicious package? - one without a return label, excessive postage, powder or oily residue... oddly shaped, poorly addressed or handwritten... sent to a title, but no name... etc... duh. What do you do? call supervisor, security, 911... don't mess with it... don't sniff it, don't eat it... wow. out friggen standing.

heh, least we got out an hour early... and i did get paid for it... so i can't complain too loudly....

SO now on to the rest of the day... wait till 1530 when jaden comes home... enjoy some time here around the apt before taking off to go to moms... have dinner/see grandma for a bit... come back here tonight, see when i get home to depend on what goes on.... and then sleep before laundry/game on sunday! hooray!

Nothing else new to add really... ignoring/trying not to remember last nights dreams still... not sure how to react/approach the kiss debacle last night yet... and still wondering if its even appropriate to bring up the jaden/ace thing before she leaves, and if so what i want to ask/say...

So, until later, again, take it easy y'all.

So thats that, huh... At moms place now, did dinner with her and grandma... sister took off to go to a club with her boy toy...

*sighs*

I just want to go home now... though... and Jadens not even there. Shes at a friend of ours' place... I was invited but had prior obligations here... But they just put in a movie... and now they're pausing the movie to go pick up a turkey... so she's not going to be home until later now...

She said she'd thought i'd stop by there when i got into town... But... At the same time, she says things like we need to do things on our own and that she wants to do things by herself to have .her. time...

So what am I supposed to do about that? How am I supposed to react or respond to that...? Am I supposed to give her her space like she talks about needing? Or do i go there and hang out like she's asking? she shoots straight and says what she means... but she's saying two different things...

Truth is i just don't know. And theres probably no right answer... If i do go there, I'm just going to be counting down till we go home... i'm already a bit tired... and yes i like the movie they're watching and i enjoy their company... but... Something just isnt' feeling right between me and her right now... at least i feel that way...

IDK, IDK, IDK.

I just don't know.

21 - I think I'm going to stop standing now...

Holy Heckuva Busy Day Batman!

Oi.

Between delivering all the paper at work yesterday, and then moving in the living room furniture after I got home... And then re-arranging the apartment all night till sleep time...

Well, I feel like thursday barely happened.

Whether thats a bad thing or not, i don't know... But i certainly don't enjoy losing days. Lets see... Friday... Whats going on today? Well, its up in the air yet. Its either going to be more re-arranging and straightening of the apt... or... blank.

IDKY, but I just feel like maybe not being closed up in the apartment tonight would be a good thing for us. And by us I mean me, and her, both. not together. I know if .I'm. feeling the need to get out, she's got to be struck down with cabin fever. Because I rarely notice being cooped up inside for any length of time.

But... What to do?

Bowling was pricey... and a movie (though i do so want to see the new bond) wouldn't really solve the satationary, closed up sort of feeling... Can only do shopping at the mall for so long before it runs out of luster... Its quite chilly out there now for anything out-doorsey. Mini-golf was cute and fun, but i fear that its a little too date-y, not that Jaden would probably mind, but I don't know if i'm emotionally up to doing that as friends.

That sounds kind of sill and unreasonable i'm sure... but... It is what it is, right?

Bowling then... or Ice Skating... or re-arranging. We'll see what she has to say.

Haven't heard from mom since Wed... should probably give her a call tongiht if she doesn't call me first... figure out whats going on this weekend as far as seeing grandma is concerned.

In a funky sort of mood today, so I think this posts going to be fairly short, as far as the average goes. Maybe i'll come up with more for it later... I'm not all that sure. I feel the need to include a photo, however... So give me a second to track something suitable down....

Perfect.

20 - Gutcheck

So I did something yesterday I've never done before. And that is for lack of a better phrase, turned myself in. For the first time in my life, I admitted to a wrong doing and appologized for it, knowing full well I had no risk of ever being caught, and that Jaden would never have known, had I not said something.

Why did I do it? Some might ask. If I wasn't going to be found out, why give it up? Answers simple enough. I couldn't not.

I had to tell her. Because I knew it was wrong. Andsince when has that ever stopped me before? I don't really know. Whats done is done though. I did it. And I've told her about it, and appologized for it.

Time will tell, what sort of damage has been done. I did my best to explain what reasoning I had, not as a method of making an excuse, simply to do my best to show her that it had nothing to do with a feeling of distrust towards her. *shrugs a lil* I expected much worse, and still feel as though I deserved much worse. I hope i can regain her trust. Because that is more important to me than most other things. If i don't have her trust, how can we truly be friends? and her friendship is the one thing I fear losing the most.

We watched WALLE last night. And it was just as cute and funny as it was when we'd seen it in theaters so many months ago. I won't lie and say it wasn't a little hard, watching it now that we aren't together... remembering the way things were when we'd seen it the first time. But i've a feeling that lots of things in life are going to give me that feeling, over time.

Today Jaden goes to the storage place... They're supposed to let her look at my crap there... and she may or may not be bringing some or all of it home with her. I sincerely hope they are mistaken about not having my desk and bookshelf there... because I'd be a little ticked off if they got rid of them or sold them to someone or somethign shady like that.

I can't believe its thursday already... The weekends just around the corner... This happened last week as well, maybe its a trend? I don't know... but it feels like the days are going by far too quickly for me. Not sure what we have going on this weekend... so far I think its nothing... I've been encouraged to make a trip back home to see mom sis and gma this weekend... i'll plan that in somewhere for sure... I'd like to get out and see the new Bond... maybe Jaden will be up for that this weekend... We'll see how the household stuff goes and see what sort of time we have leftover before that decision gets made.

I've spent the better part of all of my free time this morning and into the afternoon looking for a card to get Jaden. Regular... Online... anything... And I just can't find the right one... the right message... the right anything. Something to say, hey, you're a helluva friend... But you're so much more than that... too. and to say it in a silly, enthusiastic, high energy, but heartfelt way.

Aparently, thats a pretty tall order to fill. Who'd have thunk?

touched, you say that i am too
so much, of what you say is true
i'll never find someone quite like you again
i'll never find someone quite like you, like you
the razors and the dying roses plead i don't leave you alone
the demi-gods and hungry ghosts oh god, god knows i'm not alone
i'll never find someone quite like you again
i'll never find someone quite like you again
i... i looked into your eyes and saw... a world that does not exist...
i looked into your eyes and saw... a world i wish i was in
i'll never find someone quite as touched as you
i'll never love someone quite the way... that I... loved you

Sorry bout that... that song just skipped up on the randomizer and was fairly poignant.

I feel my mood dropping... But I don't have a solid thought pattern to blame it on. Theres a part of me that knows and understand that i have to have a conversation with Jaden within the next 8 days or so. But I still don't have a clue what I need to say. So thats not even it. A small part of me is still wondering about the things i was wondering about yesterday... the hotel room situation and the text i never should have seen. They weren't mentioned yesterday and I'm not sure if thats just because i didn't specifically or directly ask, or if its because they're none of my business...

Maybe I'm just tired? i should probably caffinate... that ussually helps pick me up a bit. Maybe I'll go do that... then sort this mail... go on this run... *le sigh* Suppose this will be all for now. More to come perhaps later, seems to be the trend these days.

Laters.

19 - The Couples Effect

Its funny I think, sometimes, how it seems that no matter which way you seem to turn in life... the things that distress you seem to pop up, or find you, one way or another.

Working here in the mail room, I deal with alot of personal letters, envelopes and all that... and every single time i see one of those stickers in the top left corner... mr and mrs so and so, or brad and jean so and so, or whatever... it strikes deep.

I mean, how great would it have been to be able to have that? Gauge and Jaden so and so, from such and such street? And it seems like every single conversation on a phone I overhear is ending in an I love you anymore... Must just be the day. Those sorts of days happen...

But I've done it again. Caused myself distress... Jaden finally mentioned in her blog this morning something i've been noticing from the shadows, and thats a lack of communication from Ace as of late. She mentions the logical explaination that the courses he's taking are occupying all his time coming up towards leave. *shrugs a bit* that makes enough sense...

Its something I've meant to bring up, and now it seems as though the doors at least been opened for me, since i didn't want to bring it up only to find out they had been talking plenty and i just hadn't been around or noticed. But as a friend I feel its acceptable for me to ask her about it... and how she's dealing/doing with it all.

But by thinking thoughts such as those, a thought occured to me that hadn't in some time... And it pertains to her trip and the logistics there-of. I realized this afternoon that I'd not even thought of the question to ask, were they planning on sharing a hotel room while he was on leave?

I know she's said that the first afternoon/night was being set aside for them to settle scores and deal with their past/catch up to the present... And I know she says shes not intending for anything to happen, and that she won't assume he is either....

But... Well, sharing of a hotel room, to me, could end up being a mixed signal of sorts... And its something i plan on asking her about, at any rate. I know i shared a hotel room with nutmeg when i visited her a little while back, but that situation, to me, was entirely different. We've been friends since our relationship ended, and our relationship was never a physical one. We hardly knew ourselves and our own identites back then.

This is Ace. The ex right before me. The ex thats been on again off again since high school... The ex that was a first. The ex she still loves... and still has feelings for. This, to me, is a different situation. And while I know and understand i don't have any say so on the way things will be conducted out there, as a friend I think its only responsible of me to at least share my perspective in case its one she hasn't looked through.

Its not something i can dwell on though... that much is certain. Would do me no good to, anyway. If something physical were to happen, well, i'm not sure how i'd feel about that. We certainly aren't together.. so it wouldn't be as if she was cheating on me. And just becuase something physical happens, if it does, doesn't mean that she has to get back together with him. Sheet wrinkling happens semi-often between us right now and theres no rush to restart a relationship because of it.

All that being said its not a predictable entity... not something i can decide how i'd feel about unless it actually happens. I'm sure it would hurt, just as any portion of the visit that goes... in the 'them' direction will undoubtably hurt me. But nothing can be done about that until after the fact.

Someone might ask why i'm so nervous about all of this, and its a fair question, for sure... But, a long while back, before we officially broke up, i took a peak at her myspace messages, trying not to spy but to find some sort of perspective on why things were going as wrong as they were, and how or what i could do to make them better...

And I read how she was thinking about him, and how she felt about him. And how she felt about them... How she'd be willing to move halfway cross the country to give them that final try. how much she missed him. and how much I wasn't like him. And it was tough. tough to handle, knowing how in the beginning, me being different than him seemed to be exactly what she needed, what she was looking for. Me not smoking and taking her to perkins at 3 in the morning and calling it a date was perfect. for her. then.

But yet, somehow, like a bridge just broke, october hit and it all came crashing down, and suddenly i bored her, I didn't make her happy, she had no interest in sleeping with me anymore, and she missed ace. And to read the words the way she'd written them, as matter of factly, as unquestioningly as they were written, it was rough.

And now... What now?

I'm not even trying to change who i am. Just letting whatever wants to come out. Raw. All that is Gauge, exposed. And it doesn't seem to turn her away. Is it possible, with time, that seeing the raw gauge could show her what she needs to see, to understand that she does have a future with me? It is my hope. I just don't know how long it might take, and i also don't know how much time i have.

Shes told me more than once that I should never lie to her, and I can't, i know that. Not that I've tried, just that I know I couldn't do it. I've waited to long already to mention it to her... but with the concert... the game... the bowling... heroes, and wall-e i've just been to afraid to cause trouble. But I know i can't play that game. not with her, its not fair...

I looked in her phone on satruday. Not proud of it, its an invasion of her privacy that i've only done once before, that i mentioned above. However thoughts of Ace and the lack of contact had gotten the better of me, and after i had tried to call her and realized her phone was home with me charging, i looked inside. It started out innocent, i was just re-reading some of the texts that we'd sent back and forth about her other ex that friday... and then i came accross the text from ace...

nov 6th... 08:11 am. The day after i left the apt to go driving, the day after we had that misunderstanding about her and him talking that night... And I probably won't ever forget the words that popped up on her phones screen... about his back being hot, his lips quivering, him wanting to make her moan and him wanting to hear her scream his name.

*shrugs a lil*

I don't even know if it was part of a conversation they were having, or if she even responded to it at all, or if she was even offended by it and told him that it was innapropriate. I don't know anything beyond the words he sent her. I exited out and closed the phone and put it back on the shelf immediately after reading those words... and for the rest of the afternoon they haunted me until it was time to go to the concert... they came back to me after the shinedown set but i shrugged them off, not wanting to ruin her fun and good time... and periodically they come back again... like today, right now, because of the typing i did earlier about the sharing of the hotel room.

I'll appologize again for the invasion of her privacy tonight, and hope to be forgiven. I really do want to watch WALL•E with her tonight... and I don't want this to ruin that... But at the same time i can't keep quiet about it any longer. Everyday i don't tell her about it is just like trying to lie to her and telling her i didn't do it. I have to tell her and its got to come out. Hopefully she'll be able to see my side of things... understand at least partially my worry and anxiousness about the situation, and forgive me...

Hopefully.

Now that this blog has been seemingly hijacked by Ace...

I'll try to pull things together and salvage the wednesday. Got to finish work yet... nother 4 hours to go here. then home. Jadens visiting the co-worker during lunch i think, but it might be after work so i might have to wait longer after work before she gets home... to find out how the rest of the evening is going to go. My hope is well enough to still watch WALL•E... We'll see how it turns out....

If i feel the need to come back here and blog again today, i shall, but if not, then havea wonderful humpday!


So... here i am. five oclock, Jaden won't be back from work for another hour plus... And she's upset... rightfully so mind you, but upset all the same. and its my fault. But. I had to tell her. It had to be said. I just should never have done it in the first place. I should have acted like an adult. like a friend, and like a decent person, and approached her, and asked her. should have just said, hey, i've noticed that Ace hasn't seemed to have been calling at night anymore, have you been texting or talking in the mornigns or something? Because i was curious... I wasw worried... and i was anxious... I should have just asked. and if she didn't want to answer it should have stayed at that. it would hae been her right to answer or not answer. But i shouldn't have done what i did and I know that. It was wrong, and it was not only an invasion of privacy but a breech of trust. I can only hope that it is something that we can work through... Because I meant no malice by it... I just needed to know...

*sighs*

So much for a wonderful wall-e wednesday...

18 - Another Brick In The Wall

Well hey there!

Its... Tuesday! Hoorah!

Heh, not so much, nothing fun about a tuesday, not really.

Lets see here... Last night was finnally Manwich Night!!! And Heroes night!!! It was delightful. Little on the uneventful side, as far as average nights go... Maybe it was the heavy Sunday that overshadowed it, I'm not all that sure... I came home and made sure i got the dishes done so Jaden wouldn't have to do them... Then started supper... We got the laundry put away together... did dinner, watched heroes, I gave her that back rub i still owed her, and I was tired. Early bed time for sure... Don't think she was thrilled about it, but, I did need the sleep...

Tuesday... TuesdAAAAAAAAY. Thats my WALL•E impression... for those of you who are not privvy to the awesomeness that is WALL•EEEEEEEEEEEEE. And it comes out today. So Excited So Excited!! Jaden has a half day today, and I do believe she intends to pick it up before or after her stop to the surplus store. WALL•E and Ribs tonight... I think she's saving the holiday flavored wine for later on in the winter yet so I feel like it might be a Sutterhome night tonight...

What else... What else... Ugh. Bad night for dreaming last night... Don't really feel like getting into that, but suffice to say I woke up with shivers, and am still asking WTF periodically when my memory brushes up against it.

Trying to stay away from the final topic of the blog until... well, until the end since its the final topic, duh. Just not the happiest of topics and even so I'm in a fairly decent mood, so, go figure right?

hmmm... what else... Nutmeg doesn't seem to be keeping up with her blog now that the Lich King expansions out for that silly game called WOW. *shakes finger increduously*

Something else is supposed to be happening this week... why can't I remember it?

oh!

Thats it!

Measuring... We've got to measure the door to the apartment, pronto, if Jaden wants to pull out my furniture from storage, and I am a little concerned about them not seeming to realize that they have my desk/bookshelf there too... Because they had it the last time I was in there and if somehow they misplaced it, well, I'll be slightly concerned about something like that.

But, if all goes well and the door is wide enough for the furniture... our living rooms about to get a rehaul of epic proportions...

I think thats it... I still want to get in to see the new Bond movie sometime soon, certainly before Jaden leaves to go on holiday.

Have my 'hazardous package handling' class this saturday, that should be fun... a few of the guys on the class list are decent aquaintances of mine so i feel like we'll at least have a good time. Plus its overtime, who doesn't like that?

Made some plans for the weekend after Jaden gets back from holiday, banking on the hope that nothing drastic occurs during that week, and i'm more confident than not that nothing tragic will be happening... So, excited for that too! but i'll have to keep it a secret from her, want it to be a suprise.

what more what more? 20 minutes till the end of stamp hour... then its sorting out some of this mail... two more mail runs... do the paper order for tomorrow.... And I'll be out of here, racing home to start the wonderful evening of WALL•E.

Need gas in the car... then some heet... and time to put in the winter washer fluid... which means i need to drain out the stuff i've got in there right now cause its teh suxxor in the mornign and i'm too lazy to scrape.

*half sigh*

Well, Think i ran out of other stuff to type, so, onto the feature presentation, if you will...

heh... 18 Nov. 18 of any month, now, really... will be a marked day for me. It was 18 Dec 2007 when Jaden and I decided we had had enough of being better-than-friends and decided to make our union legit in the bf gf sense...

So, now, today, 18 Nov, would have stood as our 11 month mark, just one more to go before our first true anniversary. Ironically enough, this is also our one month mark of being broken up, since fate and circumstances landed the fateful night upon which she decided enough was enough, just so happened to be 17 Oct, and we made it into the wee hours of 18 Oct before that conversation came to a close.

There are still times where i am forced to pause and scratch my head... attempting to understand how my most intense, closest, most natural and intermeshed relationship i've ever had, could mark a benchmark of less than a year.

As of today, at this particular moment... I'm fairly at peace with the way things are. I fear thats mostly due to the lessened frequency of Ace conversations the past week has brought, more than anything else, but, i'll take it.

As far as the date, it will be one i won't forget, that much is assured.

*half smirk half sigh* I had so truely hoped for an anniversary with her. i wouldn't have held anything back. It would have been one of the most memorable nights of her life, and mine to, i'd think. And while that may sound like a negative thought, its not so much... mourned, surely... Because I so would have enjoyed making her smile shine and her eyes dance. But, a month passed from that heart wrenching discussion and fate changing night, I can atleast accept the reality that that anniversary won't be happening the way i imagined it anymore... And I can at least accept that reality on my feet, without feeling like a mack trucks using me as a brake pad.

In this life as it currently stands, living for the present is my only option. Its a foreign concept to me, being as nostalgic as i am, i value the past a might more than the next guy, and being born the dreamer that I was, i gaze and long for the future a might more as well. So, this concept of living for the here and now and thats it, well, its a little different for me.

Not different bad I think... just, different. But as i said, its my only option. The only way to stay happy, to stay sane, and to enjoy Jaden and the time that i can with her, while still enjoying life as well. The present is my time. And i'll do with it what i wish for now, until such a point that that becomes an issue.

Time to get back to work for now... Think i might have more to add in between this and my last run... but, we'll see. Thanks for tuning in!

17- Manic Monday

So, how about that weekend, huh?

The concert Satruday was pretty fun. Drive down was nice... the long, frigid wait in line was a little lame, but at least mom and lex canceled the trip that morning so i was with Jaden and we could at least attempt to keep each other warm while in the que. We missed Saving Abel due to the line and early start to the show, which sucked a bit, but then Shinedown came on and completely stole the show.

The lead singer was a great showman and we both thouroughly enjoyed his set. Buckcherry, on the other hand, was not so great. Niether of us really had any interest to see them anyway, and they didn't dissapoint. A few of their songs were at least familiar to me from the radio but the excessive swearing and lyrics about drugs and other profane subjects i could have gone without.

A7X was good. I think i expected them to be better, but they were still good. By the time their set started the headaceh i'd been nursing all day long had grown out of control, so i didn't enjoy it as much as I think i could have, but Jaden was cool about it, even offered to leave early but I didn't want her to miss the band she pretty much came to the concert to see. So we waited it out till i think the second to last song before making the long frigid walk back to the car.

Due to the headache I had her drive us home, with a pitstop at Mickey D's for some nurishment. Got home late and just crashed.

I gave a brief overview of the goings on of yesterday allready. Not sure what else to put forth from that. It was a decent enough day despite the bears losing, and I did have a lot of fun. I'm hoping that bowling could become a more regular thing for us to try and do, maybe not always with the rum and cokes sicne i'm still paying for that now here at work, but, it was fun.... And I think we'd have just as much fun bowling without the drinking, and even sans activities afterward at home, though they were thouroughly enjoyed.

heh. I don't know if it was carry-over from the concert the night before, added onto yesterday, or what, but I couldn't keep my eyes off of Jaden yesterday. The way she did her hair on the concert night... drove me crazy, and the way that the beater was showing through her jersey sunday... and how the jersey fit, everywhere... and the little peeks of middriff when she moved just right... wow is about all I can say. It was nice to see... little bittersweet in that i wasn't oggling .my. girl, but thats neither here nor there... I think for the most part she didn't care... though a few times i couldn't quite tell if she was joking or not. Hopefully she wasn't... I can't help but be attracted to her, and if anything it should make her feel good about herself, yeah? at least she said as much the other day.

So what else?

Days a little rough now that shes not texting as much... But thats something i probably just need to get over and drive on.... if its not now it'll happen later and i'll have to deal with it, regardless...

Read her blog from this morning... Found out that she hasn't/isn't telling her parents that she's going out to see Ace. *shrugs a little* Can't figure out if its just the mention of the trip that rubs me the wrong way, or if theres anything to read into that. Trying to not let it get me down and def trying to not overreact like i did on friday.

Theres still stuff that i don't tell mom, just cause its not needed. Like the fact that Jaden and I are sharing a bank account to help manage the finances smoother... its not a super uber secret or anything, but mom would have a problem with it, and for no reason it would make things much more difficult... So i guess I can understand it. *shrugs again* I don't think anything her paretns would have to say about it would help me out at all, anyway. From the sound of things in the past it would seem that her stepmoms negativity to him could have easily fueled the feelings she had from him more than not... And her dad is pretty cool with everything, just as long as she is doing what she wants to do and thinking things through and all of that.

Still i fear, still i wonder, still i worry.

"If it does go well, however... I'm still not convinced that something will happen. He's still getting deployed for a healthy handful of months, I'm still living with Gauge... quite a few circumstances would need to re-align before the odds would be in favor of another "go" of things."

Quite a few circumstanes would need to re-align before the odds would be in favor of another "go" of things.

Its a simple and innocent enough statement, i suppose. Sorrounded by an equally benign paragraph. From the sound of the words, she's saying she's not looking specifically to get back together with him. But on the other toss of the coin shes making it painfully obvious that that is a viable option in her mind. Should x stay x and y become z, then sure, itd be ok... that how i take that to mean.

And thats still one of the hardest things for me to swallow. because of the years of friendship we have, I've been around durin some pretty rouch times of her and him. I know the kinds of situations she's been put in and through, the kinds of things he's said and done, and the type of behavior he's invariably exhibited throughout the duration. And to think that even after all of that, he's still on par with me? Maybe he even has a better shot than I do even? Me, the boy that only ever did what he could to make her happy and to enjoy her company. Who's never lied to her, never cheated on her, never yelled at her, never hurt her (to my knowledge and certainly not on purpose)... I did my best, to be the best bf I could. Always tolerated, always listened... tried really hard to work on anything that she might have indicated was a short coming... I certainly think i did a good job. From the stories she tells, dates with him were smoke filled, pankake eating 'talks' at an all night diner, and more often than not plans would be made that he would just sleep through while she sat there and entertained herself. How can that be more appealing than me?

Its a question I just can't keep asking... Because I can't answer it. The whole beginning of our relationship... 3, 4, 6 months into things, all i ever heard was how much better I was at being a bf than her previous experiences. All the 'this is the first time i've done this' and that... How i was so different but that it was a good kind of different... and then, what?

What happened to all of that?

This past week and a half, i've been haunted by all of these memories. These happy, joy filled memories. Our first movie date in Ames, going to Mr Magoriums Wonder Emporium... Those first few days in the empty apartment before she left... Dropping her off at the airport... All the webcamming and letter writing while she was gone... the oragami that she'd send me with her letters... The flowers I sent her on Valentines day... Picking her up at the airport... the day i knew for certain I loved her with all of my being... How scared and nervous I was when she didn't get off of the plane, not knowing she got bumped a flight... I must have torn that airport apart... asked ever single employee I could find to check and triple check the passenger roster to see if she was on it. And then she sat down next to me and the relief... and the passion, and... it was indescribable... And all the little things in between... The making of our apt into a home, piece by piece... i remember the little texts she'd send me about how excited she was to get this or that... Our trip out to the bears training camp... all of it... everything was damn near perfect...

Certainly nothing was -wrong-

But where did the wall come from? Why all of a sudden was her mind on Ace. Why was it that she suddenly couldn't love me anymore, but still loves him? How did that happen, what did i do? Or what could I have done differently?

Well, the answers to all of those questions aren't going to win her back. I don't know if anything can ever do that now. She says shes just going to wing life, for awhile. No long term plans, just taking each moment as it goes. And I'm trying that to. I'm trying to just enjoy life, and enjoy her company one day at a time, without the looming uncertainty of whether or not i'll get a second chance. But with that comes the paralyzing worry that, if sh'es just winging it, it could mean that one day she and I can be enjoying our lives here in our home, and the next she's made up her mind to move halfway accross the country to be with Ace for that one last try.

And how does anyone prepare for something like that? What on earth could I do to relieve the pain that that would cause?

It doesn't matter. NOt now nor in the long run. Because things will turn out the way they will turn out. Yet even though I know theres nothing I can do to effect or influence the outcome, I can't admit it to myself and thats why I still get into these pinches and binds... because i can't accept the fact that theres not SOMETHING, SOMEWHERE, at SOMETIME, that I might be able to do or say to turn her attention back in my direction.

Cause I don't want anyone else in life... i want her. heh. Its just that simple. She makes me happpy. She makes me feel comfortable to just be me. She tolerates and supports my idiosyncracies... She makes me harder than a diamond in an ice storm, and She melts my heart in a single glance. and when I'm with her i can just feel it. things just feel right.

So, day by day, moment by moment, until thanksgiving i'll wing it the only way I know how. a few suredly long days after the holiday, she'll come home, and we'll have to see where in the world things go from there.

Thats it for now... Maybe more later...


Trying so, so hard to not text her right now... its 1342... middle of stamp hour for me... she'll be taking lunch in about another thirty minutes... I can at least wait that long. Hopefully she'll send me a message then, so i won't have to send her one... cause I'm so about to... Been there a few times over since the last text she sent me. I've managed to stop myself so far... I'll keep it up, i can hold out till after her lunch starts... I'm sure of that.

Its such a hard thing... to balance, giving her space yet wanting to continue to show her that i'd be a welcome addition to her life. Such a fine line of letting her breath, but not pushing her away, letting her experience new things, but still reminding her of what she already has...

More often than not it feels like a losing battle. But its one battle I'm going to fight till I can't anymore. One undertaking i refuse to fall short of, refuse to give up on.

Last night when we had the hiccup drill came up and the fact that i hadn't been to the last few, and she didn't understand how i could do that. haveing signed the contract and sworn the oath and all of that. and at the time all I could think of was that she'd think less of me than Ace, because i wasn't as devoted to the service as he was...

And I tried to explain to her just how messed up I was by everything that went on between us... and how not ready or in shape or capable i was to go to drill. But how far could i really go with that explaination? How much of a picture can i truly paint for her, without unecessarily hurting her with those details? Without bringing down the mood or increasing tension? What good would it really do to force that image upon her? Would it be worth her understanding why i skipped out on drill? or is the lesser of the two evils looking like less of a servicemen in her eyes, so that i don't end up pulling a stunt like that... the proto-typical 'look what you did to me' plea.

But it hurt a bit... to see her questioning my commitment... To see the dissapointment in her eyes... She knows i'm an all or nothing guy. I put my heart and soul into what matters in my life and i don't stop until the jobs done... I would lay down and die for any of my brothers and sisters in the services... And I certainly have busted my ass a fair share in the service of the country too. but... Even I know when its not safe or healthy for me to do something.

1358 now... Stamp hours nearly done. Then its off to sorting the hordes of mail i've been getting today. Been a busy, busy day.

and, ugh, i need to shave.