hmmm.
So its Wed. Tomorrow morning is the day I hug Jaden goodbye, and know that I won't see her again until Tue, Dec 2nd, after her trip to the coast to see Ace. I'd like to say that the time has flown, since the day she told me she'd purchased the tickets for the trip... But I can't. There have been times, yes, that I've felt have sped up or have seemed to have gone quicker than normal, but, in the grand scheme of things, it does still feel like i've had well over a month to dwell and drum this weekend over, and over again in my head.
I messaged Ace, over yahoo, yesterday afternoon. And he questioned Jaden about it when she called him that evening, before she got home from work, before i'd even had a chance to think about letting her know about it. Hindsight being twenty twenty as it always is, I should have told her I was doing it before i hit the send key, at the very least. We did talk about it though, think we're as ok about that as we're probably going to get... I really hadn't meant any malice or harm but... then again, intentions don't necesarrily matter, anymore, do they?
I found out after she got home that instead of video gaming, the co-workers have decided it would be a better idea to go to ladies night at the strip club. I don't do strip clubs... So already i'm counted out of the nights activities... Before, i'd imagined that she would be going gaming, probably fairly soon after work, and might even be home round the time i was getting homr from work, or at least around supper time... but now? Now she's going to be taking care of errands... may or may not be there when i get back, and tonight will be spent at the strip club, on ladies night, with a bunch of horny strange guys and horny strange girls who go to a place like that to spend money for immediate gratitude and... *sighs* well, just goes to underline the point that she's not attatched to me anymore and can and will do what she wants to do. And I don't have a choice but to accept that.
If she'd rather go watch women take off their clothes and rub themselves all over her and the other guys, instead of spending this evening with me before she takes off for home and then the coast, thats something i've got to deal with. Its my own fault for getting my hopes up/trying to plan ahead. It'll end up being a warm up, i suppose... getting used to being alone tonight will help maybe in the getting used to being alone until tuesday. heh.
We talked about the trip, last night, too... Talked to her about my reservations/questions... She told me that frankly, she wouldn't be looking for anything with him until at least after he gets back from the deployment... and said something along the lines of him telling her he wasn't interesting in a commitment until he was out of the service... or somethign along those lines... which still isn't to say that when they get together and the past gets hashed out, that they won't decide to throw that all to the birds and wing it anyway... but thats part of the future i know I can't control.
Found out she's planning on staying in his barracks with him for the days she'll be with him. Which, frankly isn't any better than them sharing a hotel room, in my opinion, but again its not my place to decide. Whatever is going to happen will. And I think she knows or is at least partially aware that staying with him like that is like an open door to something physical/intimate going on between them, and it seems at least from last nights discussion that thats not only something shes ok with, but that she might fairly well be expecting.
So thats just another thing i'll have to deal with. I knew from the start that just because we still slept together and sheet wrinkled now and again that it didn't mean we were comitted to anything. So it shouldn't be such a suprise that she'd be ok with the thought of her sleeping with/doing things with someone else. And maybe it wasn't really a suprise, in the true definition of the word... maybe it was just my subconcious hope that she'd have drawn a personal line or barrier in there, somewhere...?
IDK... What I do know is, that every one in three times i close my eyes, I see a twisted picture, painted by my own worthless mind, of her and him together in the throws of ecstacy. And it hurts me. Alot, deep inside. *shrugs* but, it is what it is, right? If something or somethings do happen between them while she's out there, it will end up being something we'll have to talk about, and from there we will have to decide how to go on from that.
And its something I don't have a clue as to how i'll be affected by. She won't have cheated on me, because we aren't together... but i think it will probably feel the same to me, regardless. I've never been cheated on, before, so i don't have a precedence to go from. So itll have to be situational, off the cuff and on the fly, i suppose. whether or not it will effect how i feel, whether or not it will change my feelings towards her, my feelings about her, or my perception of her and me.
What else? I wish i could stop her dreams for her... They're wrecking havoc on her sleep at night and i feel bad for her. and selfishly i know, but i don't want her going out there and having them go away and having it seem as though he made them go away for her, when i couldn't. *shrugs* i'm not ashamed to say that. I wish her dreams will stop. period. and if it has to be that way then it does and i'll still feel better knowing they aren't plaguing her anymore... But, i can't lie and say i hope it isn't being with him that stops them.
And, yet, even now, I still can't find it in my soul to dislike him. To blame him, or even be angry at him. And the same goes for her. I still can't find it in me to blame her, or to decide that my hurt is because of her, or to feel as though she's mistreating me...
On a few lighter notes...
I think i need to shave...
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and that means turkey, mashed patatoes, and pumpkin pie!!!!!!!!
Saturday is Shopping with Tam Tam!
Sunday is possibly football with Shane...
And TJ just texted me saying he'll be in town too, so hopefully i can fill in any of the voids with hanging out with him.
Next thursday is our new touch up appt for our tats... Friday is RoughRiders Hockey Time!!!!
And the week after that is both the Metro and Aegon xmas parties... bring on the drinks and fun!!!
I've gotta load up this paper now... get ready for the next mail run, may or may not be back soon to add more... we'll see. Thanks for listening.
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