The fool.
Todays not going so well. Not going to lie.
Last night went from what looked for all intents and purposes to be a good night, to a travesty in the course of a car ride home.
Dinner at the bar and grill... wednesday custom... went well. Till he texted her... or she texted him... or... well it doesn't really matter.
Fact is it started a conversation on the way home... One fueled by the already stressful situation, and ignited by the alcohol. Bare naked truth... I told her, that of all the people in the universe, he was probably the only person that if she got back together with him, it could affect our friendship.
And its true. If it turns out that she's given up on us, and turned back to him... thats really the only scenario that I can't see myself being ok with. Pure and simple. Even without the jealousy that comes with being the ex boyfriend... From a strictly 'friends' aspect, if i removed the last year from my memory and forgot everything we'd shared together... I would still not be ok with her getting back together with him. As a friend, I think he's no good for her, and i think all that spells is trouble for them both.
Regardless of intentions or anything else, She took it further than I meant it... thinking i was saying that if they got back together our friendship wouldn't work. Which is not what i was saying... i can't say for certain one way or another till it comes up... but I don't think i can ever not be her friend... just that the capacity with which our friendship stands in right now would most certainly be effected...
We got home... she got on the laptop... All i wanted to do was lay down and hash it out... i could tell she was put off. I saw her get on and saw her start typing away and assumed it was .him. So i went to bed. upset. worried. hurt. scared. I heard her start talking and knew he'd called... knew she was probably talking to him about what id said...
And i couldn't help but imagine him smiling inside. knowing that because of the prospect of them getting back together... some sort of a wedge had been placed between me and her. And they talked, and talked. And frighteningly i came to the realization that, what if i just pushed her over to him? What if by my words and actions i made her run to him, and because he was there for her, that pushed her over the edge? What if i just singe handedly made his move for him?
It was an unbearable thought... I started to go out to the living room to check on her... She'd been messaged by another ex now, too, and responded. two of them? what next? as if my life isn't rough enough as it is? She eventually got off the phone, and we talked... but theres something there that wasn't before. A distance... and uncomfortability. what i was dreading.
What if that distance, that uncomfortablity is her response to realizing she wants to be with .him. and realizing that if she decides to be with .him., its going to hurt me?
Well theres another what if for you. I need to tell the what ifs to take a flying leap, cause they're not helping me any. not one bit.
So, the fool.
Whos the more foolish?
Is it me, the fool, who still holds out hope that things can work out, that theres still a chance for Jaden to be .my. Jaden again?
Or is it me, the fool who follows that fool, knowing all the facts that I know, and seeing all the cards and chips stacked up on the table against that slim possiblity, and yet I follow that fool anyway...
The fool or the fool that follows him...
how bad is it that i'm capable of fooling myself, and then fooling the part of me thats already fooled by myself?
is that love?
Is that the unconditional love, showing through? The part of my heart that belongs to her and always will, overpowering everything else in me to maintain that flicker of what was once a raging fire, hoping some day that it might rekindle?
maybe it is.
Maybe its just me being a whipped whimp who just can't take 'no, i don't want you anymore' for an answer.
*Sighs*
She said last night was the first time she actually thought about, or part of her wanted to, sleep on the futon in the living room, rather than our bed. I'm not sure how to handle that... just like i'm not sure how to handle the whole ex's and their liberal communications with her...
It scares the crap out of me... because it may just be little things, small steps... but sooner than later those little things and small steps will turn into an irreversable path in the direction that is not towards me...
And theres that ghost kitty. No matter how cute the thing looks... I can't get over the spine shiver i feel when i see her with it. I cna't overcome the irrational assumtion that .he. gave her the thing. And that she carries it with her and its an extension of .him. while hes away and they aren't communicating... And does it ever get to me. but how am i supposed to approach .that. subject... is it really a question that i want to know the answer to? she's certainly not going to stop sleeping with it or carrying it whether i ask or not... And not knowing might be better than knowing my suspicions were on target, and then having to sleep in the bed with her and her non-living rememberance of him tucked inbetween us...
times like now i wonder if i just think way too much... it could just be her favorite stuffed animal. and be as innocent as that. why do i have to make everything about him? i shouldn't need to. So i'll work at trying to stop that...
More and more frequently lately... i think back to before she came home from canada... i was thinking about active duty... and we were going to get married... at the time it was only supposed to be so she could come with me on base and we could get housing and the pay increases and all of that... but... What would have become of us then? would she still have gotten... well, 'done' with me? would fall have come around and her attention turned to .him. and that force me out of the picture just the same?
not worth fretting about, but its that mixed signal sort of stuff... how could that have been ok, and looked forward to, and then we end up here?
Last night she was asking about moving in with another couple, into a more expensive apartment... yet she talks to .him. every other night... how serious is she about being 'single'...? would i just end up a roomate until he got back from his deployment and then a wham bam thank you ma'am and she pops smoke and is gone? I understand the frienship wouldn't stop, but...
well thats getting to far ahead again i suppose... I've got no reason to believe she's getting back with him... not until december comes and she gets home from the coast... so i should just stop thinking about it until then.
Concentrate on now. Because as far as my mind is concerned i have until the 28th of nov to live with her, knowing she doesn't belong to anyone, but is still at least somewhat attatched to me, if mixed signals and vauguely, nonetheless. As far as my mind is concerned... the 28th could very well be the end of that. After those four days, everything could change.
So i just need to enjoy the time i know i have... and hope that i still get to have some more time later... but just live for the next month and nothing more... until i have to face the music, yeah?
Just keep being the fool who follows the fool, until that option is removed from my grasp with blunt force.
Well, stamp hours here... So i'll be done for now...
till next time,
-The fool
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