And how dark it is.
Its the first day of DST... not even six oclock yet and its nearly pitch black outside... Which, in another life... would have been a preference for me.
Not anymore. Not right now. Not with the way things are anymore.
Mom said that the fall is the worst time of year for someones mental health... something about seasonal depression or some suchness... I'm inclined to agree.. Leaves and plants and bugs are all dying... and now theres no more sun... temp is dropping.. how miserable.
Mirrors a quarter of my life. Its not all bad. tho.
I mean, can I really be complaining?
She's still here. She still smiles at me... laughs with me... shares moments with me...
She still makes me happy. I'd guess that someone alot more philisophical than me has probably said it before in more eloquent words... but it sure seems to me that he or she that makes you the happiest the easiest... holds in their hand the power to hurt you the worst, as well. And mroe often than not, it seems, its me handing that power over to her, or not even leaving her a choice in the matter at all.
And I feel bad. Does that register in logic at all? I feel bad. .i. feel bad, guilty, when .she. hurts .me.
Who could have seen that coming? I consider it .my. fault. i don't blame .her. at all. She hurts me. or at least her actions do. not onpurpose, and therefore, i blame myself. And i feel .bad. and .guilty. for possibly making her feel bad, for hurting me...
Thats almost too much to wrap my brain around. But its true.
I was hurt last night... and it was because of her conversation with him. and yet, when its all said and done, i wanted to .apologize. to .her. for making her feel bad for making me feel bad.
And then we talked about it. She said something... i can't remember to quote direct, wish i could... but something to the effect of [this weekend, i nearly forgot what we'd talked about before] or something like that... and, now that i've recreated it i'm not even sure if i've got the right impression... but at the time a beacon of hope and light shown through and I felt as if she was saying that this weekend was so good, and fun, and great, that maybe she had forgotten about all of the (me not making her happy/us not working out) sort of stuff.... its a huge jump to a conclusion that is way more premature than anything else... but it touched me inside... even if she didn't mean it that way... it helped me out last night... i might ask about it... maybe she'll read this and correct me... i dunno...
But I know that more often than not im happy. i have a good time... we are happy (tho i don't know that i can make that statement... since she told me she wasn't happy before when i thought she was) either way...
we talked about options... I didn't like them. Stop the physical stuff... i misunderstood her meaning at first... think she was talking sexual... I feared she was including the cuddling, the holding... the hugging... the warm, comfortable, soothing stuff. Idon't want to lose that. I don't know if i could sleep in that bed with her, knowing that i couldn't roll over and wrap her up... or laying in fear of accidently scooting into her embrace.
I don't mind it all... really. I mean, it hurts a little... But i've come to terms with the fact that were doing it all... the hugging the cuddling the kissing, the sexing... and its not a bf gf situation... I've come to terms with the understanding that I may be using .my. heart in conjunction with the actions, and she most probably isn't... i've managed to be ok with that... cause even that being the case it hasn't felt weird, or awkward...
I don't like the idea of being someones 'fuck toy'. But i sincerely doubt that that could ever be the way she sees me. If it ever felt that way i'd be forced to say something... because I certainly still have warm fuzzy emotional feelings for her, and I couldn't handle them being .completely. disregarded in the face of primal urges.
ten minutes and she'll be home. We'll idley chat about our days... work and all of that... might talk about plans for tomorrow... may talk a little about what is going on between us... figure out what we're doing for supper and watch heroes... maybe get silly drunk off the wine, maybe not... possibly toss in a movie, possibly not... go to bed... sleep soundly and get ready for tomorrow...
That is, if .he. doesn't call. I wonder about that. If the closer things come to leave and her visit to him, if the frequency of his calls will increase? Will it become nightly? If it does will i be ok with that? I don't think i will be... I don't think i can donate 2 hours of my night every night to agonizing emotional turmoil while they talk and giggle and cohort about the old days. Its not a mean or angry thing, just a fact. I know i can't control it.... but i imagine i'd have to at least ask her if she could slow it down, either by number of days or length of the convos... for my sake... i wonder if she'd do it? Or would she just plan a trip in the car to talk to him?
She doesn't like to drive and talk... but for him? I'd doubt she wouldn't make the exception... Or would she drive and park somewhere? i don't like that idea... it certainly wouldn't be safe... and its going to be getting so cold... maybe i'll just have to endure... suck it up for her sake... Will i be able to? one way to find out i gues....
we'll just hope that it doesn't happen... that he doesn't start calling nightly... Itd certainly hurt me alot...
*sighs... *
two minutes now...
I'm excited... but now i'm also worried... thinking about him has that effect on me.
I dont' share well... and thats confounded now by the fact that she's not .mine. anymore, so technically its not sharing at all... she just doesn't belong to me anymore to begin with...
but it doesnt' .feel. that way... I still bristle when guys looka t her at teh grocery store... i still stand closer to her when we're out and about... I still get jealous... and she's not seemed bothered by it yet...
Give it time, yeah? that was her final answer this morning when we talked about the reversion phenomena of us sometimes finding ourselves feeling like bf gf again in situations... Seems like a common peice of advice...
time...
What will time give me? Will it be a hefty dose of heartache as she leaves for someone new? an indefferent cuff on the shoulder as we stay friends forever, or will it give me on eternal warm embrace and give me that second chance at her heart i wish for so badly?
Time will tell, right?
Time... Time will telll....
Times all i've got left... Yet its a double agent working too many sides of the same puzzel... I'll never really know until its already said and done...
So i'll stop thinking bout it now... two after six... she'll be here soon. Time to look at the fridge... we'll be ok... Somehow.
Someway...
Somewhen...
later...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment