What day is it today... Tuesday yeah? I think so. Neway... Tuesday... December 30th... Nother two and a half days until Jaden comes home... Probably concentrate the cleaning effort tomorrow, only ever seem to operate well under pressure... Have thursday off though... maybe i should head home on wed?... no, cause Lexi's got that party she's going to so she won't be there to hang out with anyway... Desi said a friend of hers was taking her out...
Well... Desi... Lets go ahead and fill in that chapter right now before we get any further into this.
Talked to Desi last night after a few days of silence... She got my message... my telll all of sorts... Called me up on her lunch break for a few minutes, long enough to idley chat and let me know she had read it... befure she had to get back to work and was going to call me later after she got done... Which she did. Course in between the calls i managed to get my hopes up/play through various scenarios in my head, which didn't turn out so well for me...
Regardless, she called back later, and we talked. Little bit more idle stuff, and then we got into the real meat... What it boils down to, in the end, is that she's flattered, she understands, and yes shes still attracted to me too, and probably always will be... but. And ofcourse theres a but. but. She's got a boyfriend, and shes very happy with him and right now she feels like he's the one. The rest of the conversation was pretty much spent discussing her boyfriend and why she loves him so much and why things are going well for them and so on and so forth... well, not so much discussed, more like her telling me, and me graciously accepting the information and congratulating her on her happiness. I didn't need a play by play of their relationship, nor did i necesarily care .why. she thought he was the one, the simple answer of thanks but no thanks was more than acceptable to me... Eventually the conversation manuevered away from the boyfriend and towards her and some of the changes shes made over the past year, spotted in there were a few things about me and my progression, talked about her mother and stepfather for a bit... oh how i miss talking with them... and then she got home and that was the end of the convo...
So, officially, thats the first time in my life i've been rejected/turned down. I don't know if its because i fear the rejection so much that i've never taken a chance, or if i just study and wait until i'm already sure of the answer before i ask, or just pure coincidence... not sure... But, it wasn't fun. Not that it was suprising... Out of the various outcomes that were possible, the thanks but not thanks was pretty high up on the probability list... But, it does suck. If there was anyone in my life who i could feel comfortable with entrusting myself to, anyone i know well enough to consider as a significant other... anyone who meets all my requirements and fits the bill, Its Desi. And its tough, but also a knock to the back of the head because its no ones fault but my own. If i'd done things differently last year, then Desi and I would have gotten together, and probably stayed together, and i'd be the person she was happy with and turning down other people to stay with. But, i screwed that up all on my own. So... Congratulations me.
Where to from here? Well, now i have intense feelings and attractions to two of my closest, oldest friends, both of whom i've dated and slept with... Who are both happy with other boys than me. Its a nightmare of a situation, to be sure. But, When it boils down in life, what do i really want to have? Two awesome freinds who i know will be there for me when I need them to, or a relationship with one of my close friends that may or may not work out and may or may not end in a way as to eliminate the option of further friendship?
Logic says i'm better off with a pair of great friends, and I'll just have to swallow whatever other feelings i have for either of them, and drive on with life.
So, back to plans for this week... And Desi going out with her friend on wed... Maybe i shouldn't even think about going up there... So soon after last night... We haven't ever seen each other and not had something happen... Which isn't to say its not possible... But, I can't tell myself right now that I'd turn her down or stop things, especially since its something i think i very much want... and new years eve and going out will almost certainly mean alcohol... and my track record with that and things happening between freinds isn't all that spotless, either...
*sighs*
idk... maybe i'll mention the idea to her, and see what she has to say about it... Maybe she'll be uncomfortable with it and make the decision for me... or maybe she'll convince me that its safe and that she won't let nething happen... Or something.
Maybe something else will come up... but i doubt it. I don't have ne friends around here anymore that invite me to nething, so i don't expect to hear about any other new years parties coming up netime soon.
Probably end up at home watching some movies or playing some video games... watch out for this party animal, huh?
*long sigh*
I'm really not sure what to do, now... The thought of the possibility of something cultivating between me and Desi was sort of keeping my head above the water that keeps rising from the Jaden and Ace side of things... Without that for an occasional bouy, well, I'm not sure what i'm going to have to look forward to so much, nemore.
I mean, people who care about you, and love you, and want to be with you, and all of that stuff... they don't just drop out of the sky and land on your doorstep... circumstances have to occur, situations have to be lived in, and al fo that to produce a relationship like that... And i don't think between my apt, and the mail room at work i'm going to find my stars lining up for that sort of an encounter... So where does that leave me?
alone. Thats where that leaves me. So very, very, alone.
What a mess i've made of my life and for myself. its enough to hate myself for it... it really is. especially when you look at the web thats been weaved...
Desi and I met online before Nut-Meg and I started dating... Desi actually caused Nut-meg and me to have the conversation that led to us dating. Desi and i met in person and finally gave in to the attraction and the sparks between us 3 years later while i was with my ex-fiance... Jaden met Desi then... And then Desi and I started dating that next summer, but after a few months of no communication, I ended up with my ex-gf, and joining the army... Then 2 years later, Desi and I almost got back together and I almost broke up with me ex-gf for Desi... but stayed with the gf... who broke up with me 4 months later when i got home from the deployment... then I went to see Desi and we hooked up... and instead of getting over the ex-gf and realizing what i had in Desi... I kept pining over the ex until Jaden and I started hanging out, which led to Jaden and I hooking up... and we all know what happened with Jaden and I after that...
So now here I am... some 7 or 8 years after first meeting Desi... after all that tanled web... still friends but nothing more... not for lack of wanting, not for lack of needing, not for lack of trying... and not for lack of attraction/feelings... just for lack of... whatever the hell it is thats caused all these events and actions and decisions and chaos...
I can't even count the number of 'what ifs' that could be found in that long sordid history. what if i would have asked Desi out instead of Nut-meg... What if i wouldn't have let the ex gf feelings come inbetween the hurt of not hearing from Desi over that summer... What if i wouldn't have let the ex-gf talk me out of leaving her for Desi while i was deployed... What if i would have stayed with Desi before stuff happened with Jaden... What if.
*shakes head slowly*
Desi said it right last night... 'I don't think i'll ever not be attracted to you.'
Unicorn. Seems she'll always be my Unicorn. Always be the one, that no matter how many times i try, something always happens, and she gets away...
Its too bad. We get along great... Have a lot in common... Have known each other for almost half of our lives... Shes got that red hair... Birthdays are only a day apart... And so much more...
Well, what else is there to do, right? Hope that her boyfriend appreciates the gift lifes given him in her... just like I have to hope that Ace appreciates the gift lifes given him in Jaden... and accept that the better men won, bury the feelings i have deep down inside like Cal Naughton Jr, and never bring them up again. It hurts... But i love them.
30.12.08
29.12.08
29 - Collapse
I think i meant to type something here during the day at some point... But it seems i failed. Maybe something this evening.
28.12.08
28 - se fine
Alright, lets take a short break to see where Sunday night puts us before i put myself in bed to rest up for work in the morning...
Sadness first, i suppose. Bears lost today. Game was winnable, but, they just couldn't close it out, so thats officially the end of the Bears football season, and frankly, its been the best Bears season i've had to date. Record was so so and the play of wasn't that great... but... its been the most enjoyable one i've followed yet, because i've had an almost ever-present companion and fellow watcher/fan in Jaden. Sure she's not a devout, not hardcore like me... she probably doesn't even know who bronco nagursky, or the galloping ghost, or the kansas comet are... but... She was a fan. She accepted my bears worshiping, embraced it, encouraged it, and partook in it. More than i could have ever asked of anyone. I shudder, to think, what next seasons going to end up like. If she ends up out in California... or anywhere else for that matter, whats a Bears season wo her going to be like? And i know i've had all of them leading up to this one wo her... but, now that i know what its like? Now that i know what its like to have a gf that supports it? To have someone i love and care about and have fun with here to help me root them on? Whats a season wo that going to feel like?
I don't want to know.
Finished MassEffect, today... Was a very enjoyable game. I'm very hopeful that the plan to make it a trilogy comes through as a success. Not sure yet if i'm going to buy it and re-play... But, we'll see when the time comes... It certainly wasn't KOTOR, but, not much is. And the sex scene that everyone was making such a hub-bub about... was quite the let down. PG13 at the most, especially by todays standards... enough to sho that there were two ppl naked, but nothing more... an ass cheek, almost side boob... def not what the hype made it out to seem like.
This presents a delima, however, because i've still got the better part of a week to exist now before Jaden comes home... and i've now rendered my biggest distraction obsolete... Well, suppose that means i'll have to hook up rock band and work on mastering that, for the remander of the time, yeah?
Wrote to Desi last night. Seeing as how its emensley difficult to have a phone conversation w her, and the texts are sporadic at best. Had some stuff i needed to get out of my mind and off of my chest. Haven't heard from her yet today... Though, i've no idea how regularly she checks email/facebook, and its not uncommon for my texts to her to go unreplied... Probably give her a ring before bed, just cause, and just in case...
Called Jaden tonight, already... Wasn't expecting her to answer, and she didn't. Whether the phone was on silent, or not with her at all, or whether she just chose not to answer it isn't important. Really all it came down to was that I wanted to hear someone elses voice, other than my own echoing in my head. So the voice mail message telling me she couldn't answer the phone was more than sufficient. I'm not sure what i would have said to her, had she answered, anyway... I can only assume her visit is going well, since i've not heard anything to the contrary of that yet.
And good for her, yeah? If its what she wants, and what is going to make her happy, then good for her. At least one of us should be. Everyone keeps telling me that its wrong. That i shouldn't be ok with it. That she's having her cake and eating it to... all of that nonsense. And, sometimes, i'm inclined to agree with them, but other times, not so much. And in the end, Its on me, anyway... I make the decision to keep her in my life, and therefore i accept the consequences of that action. Fair and simple, its that clear cut. I had the choice, and if it was something i felt needed to have been done, i could have decided that i didn't want to see or talk to her again, and i could have sent her on her way. that wasn't a decision i wanted to choose, and therefore i didnt'.
I'm ranting now, but, back to the point, if shes happy, i'm happy for her. I wish it wasn't this way, and i wish that she'd have been able to be happy with me, but, thats not the case.
Other news? Well, there really isnt' much other news. I'm here, alone, and thats not going to change for several days, and its something that, quite frankly, is quite a bit dreary and upsetting.
Such is life, though and i'll deal with it accordingly.
Think i should head to bed now, try to get some decent rest before tackling the work day tomorrow.
So, take care, y'all.
Sadness first, i suppose. Bears lost today. Game was winnable, but, they just couldn't close it out, so thats officially the end of the Bears football season, and frankly, its been the best Bears season i've had to date. Record was so so and the play of wasn't that great... but... its been the most enjoyable one i've followed yet, because i've had an almost ever-present companion and fellow watcher/fan in Jaden. Sure she's not a devout, not hardcore like me... she probably doesn't even know who bronco nagursky, or the galloping ghost, or the kansas comet are... but... She was a fan. She accepted my bears worshiping, embraced it, encouraged it, and partook in it. More than i could have ever asked of anyone. I shudder, to think, what next seasons going to end up like. If she ends up out in California... or anywhere else for that matter, whats a Bears season wo her going to be like? And i know i've had all of them leading up to this one wo her... but, now that i know what its like? Now that i know what its like to have a gf that supports it? To have someone i love and care about and have fun with here to help me root them on? Whats a season wo that going to feel like?
I don't want to know.
Finished MassEffect, today... Was a very enjoyable game. I'm very hopeful that the plan to make it a trilogy comes through as a success. Not sure yet if i'm going to buy it and re-play... But, we'll see when the time comes... It certainly wasn't KOTOR, but, not much is. And the sex scene that everyone was making such a hub-bub about... was quite the let down. PG13 at the most, especially by todays standards... enough to sho that there were two ppl naked, but nothing more... an ass cheek, almost side boob... def not what the hype made it out to seem like.
This presents a delima, however, because i've still got the better part of a week to exist now before Jaden comes home... and i've now rendered my biggest distraction obsolete... Well, suppose that means i'll have to hook up rock band and work on mastering that, for the remander of the time, yeah?
Wrote to Desi last night. Seeing as how its emensley difficult to have a phone conversation w her, and the texts are sporadic at best. Had some stuff i needed to get out of my mind and off of my chest. Haven't heard from her yet today... Though, i've no idea how regularly she checks email/facebook, and its not uncommon for my texts to her to go unreplied... Probably give her a ring before bed, just cause, and just in case...
Called Jaden tonight, already... Wasn't expecting her to answer, and she didn't. Whether the phone was on silent, or not with her at all, or whether she just chose not to answer it isn't important. Really all it came down to was that I wanted to hear someone elses voice, other than my own echoing in my head. So the voice mail message telling me she couldn't answer the phone was more than sufficient. I'm not sure what i would have said to her, had she answered, anyway... I can only assume her visit is going well, since i've not heard anything to the contrary of that yet.
And good for her, yeah? If its what she wants, and what is going to make her happy, then good for her. At least one of us should be. Everyone keeps telling me that its wrong. That i shouldn't be ok with it. That she's having her cake and eating it to... all of that nonsense. And, sometimes, i'm inclined to agree with them, but other times, not so much. And in the end, Its on me, anyway... I make the decision to keep her in my life, and therefore i accept the consequences of that action. Fair and simple, its that clear cut. I had the choice, and if it was something i felt needed to have been done, i could have decided that i didn't want to see or talk to her again, and i could have sent her on her way. that wasn't a decision i wanted to choose, and therefore i didnt'.
I'm ranting now, but, back to the point, if shes happy, i'm happy for her. I wish it wasn't this way, and i wish that she'd have been able to be happy with me, but, thats not the case.
Other news? Well, there really isnt' much other news. I'm here, alone, and thats not going to change for several days, and its something that, quite frankly, is quite a bit dreary and upsetting.
Such is life, though and i'll deal with it accordingly.
Think i should head to bed now, try to get some decent rest before tackling the work day tomorrow.
So, take care, y'all.
27.12.08
27 - Wasteland
Saturday evening. here I am, all alone.
What have i accomplished thie weekend thusfar?
Not alot. really. Granted, I have taken a huge step in not getting worked up about the Jaden/Ace situation. And I don't want to sell short on how big of a deal that really is... however, at the same time, where i am now is not were i need to be. How do i move on from here?
All i've done is slum around and play video games... not in a depressed sort of way, but, i just really don't know what else to do or where to go to do it. And thats the impass. Where do I find folks to hang out with? Where do i find a girl to make Jaden jealous, like Ace makes me Jealous... Where do i find my own female ace?
And how do I stop myself from trying to make Desi my own female Ace. I've more than offered and invited her to stop by and visit... but why? whats my intention there? I don't know myself, and thats why i'm worried about it. And i can't move forward in that direction until i know what my intentions are... i can't do that to desi again.
So where am I at? What am I gonna do? Bears play tomorrow. Think i'm heading up to Moms to watch it with the sis... lil company will help me out. Just really don't like being alone. *small shrug*
Trying to think of what else... And its not working so well. Trying to not write about Jaden tonight... figure some time in the next week i'll have a night where i actually .have. to, and i'll delve into all of that then. For now i'm just gonna try to focus on me.
But right now, me is distacted and i'm gonna go ahead and stop typin for a bit.
Reality check. Think thats what i'm in store for, lately and into the future, anymore. heh. Not sure what I was thinking, really. What was she supposed to do? Just ditch everything she had going for her and come bounding to my beckon call?
How did i ever get concieted enough to believe, suspect, or hope for nething like that? I don't really know. But i damn well should have known better. So what now? Where am I going, from here? Yes i didn't come out and say anything point blank, but i doubt she didnt' get the hint. She hasn't called me on it. which is decent of her, at least.... unfortunately it doesn't do anything to stop my thoughts on it all. If she'd come out and tell me to bug off, least i woundlt have other thoughts.
maybe i'm seeing too much in some of the thigns she says, maybe i'm hoping to see things that just aren't there. And if thats the case then i've just gotta cool it, and accept the reality for what it is.
i had my chances. She's happy w life the way it is for her. who am I to come along and f it all up for her? just another jerk, in a long line of jerks, thats who.
So i just need to move on. I messed it up a long time ago, and messed it up for good, it seems.
makes the lonely apartment just that much more lonely, tho. i do, feel so alone, anymore. and when Jaden gets back from the QC, what then? i can't pretend she has any feelings for me, anymore. Not after this month. so how alone will i feel then, when she gets back? emotionally quite a bit, i'm sure, but at the very least i'll have someone to talk to. thatll have to mean something.
heh... I was doing so well. And if only things would have gone differently. If my dreams and hopes would have come through, well, thats an if. and screw the ifs, might have been nice, might not have. never know now, anyway.
*heavy sigh*
I just want to feel needed. thats all i need in life to be happy. But it wasn't fair to look to Desi for that. and Jadens made it clear that theres someone else she needs a lot more than me.
and thats it. all she wrote for this next chapter. i can't keep going with this right now.
What have i accomplished thie weekend thusfar?
Not alot. really. Granted, I have taken a huge step in not getting worked up about the Jaden/Ace situation. And I don't want to sell short on how big of a deal that really is... however, at the same time, where i am now is not were i need to be. How do i move on from here?
All i've done is slum around and play video games... not in a depressed sort of way, but, i just really don't know what else to do or where to go to do it. And thats the impass. Where do I find folks to hang out with? Where do i find a girl to make Jaden jealous, like Ace makes me Jealous... Where do i find my own female ace?
And how do I stop myself from trying to make Desi my own female Ace. I've more than offered and invited her to stop by and visit... but why? whats my intention there? I don't know myself, and thats why i'm worried about it. And i can't move forward in that direction until i know what my intentions are... i can't do that to desi again.
So where am I at? What am I gonna do? Bears play tomorrow. Think i'm heading up to Moms to watch it with the sis... lil company will help me out. Just really don't like being alone. *small shrug*
Trying to think of what else... And its not working so well. Trying to not write about Jaden tonight... figure some time in the next week i'll have a night where i actually .have. to, and i'll delve into all of that then. For now i'm just gonna try to focus on me.
But right now, me is distacted and i'm gonna go ahead and stop typin for a bit.
Reality check. Think thats what i'm in store for, lately and into the future, anymore. heh. Not sure what I was thinking, really. What was she supposed to do? Just ditch everything she had going for her and come bounding to my beckon call?
How did i ever get concieted enough to believe, suspect, or hope for nething like that? I don't really know. But i damn well should have known better. So what now? Where am I going, from here? Yes i didn't come out and say anything point blank, but i doubt she didnt' get the hint. She hasn't called me on it. which is decent of her, at least.... unfortunately it doesn't do anything to stop my thoughts on it all. If she'd come out and tell me to bug off, least i woundlt have other thoughts.
maybe i'm seeing too much in some of the thigns she says, maybe i'm hoping to see things that just aren't there. And if thats the case then i've just gotta cool it, and accept the reality for what it is.
i had my chances. She's happy w life the way it is for her. who am I to come along and f it all up for her? just another jerk, in a long line of jerks, thats who.
So i just need to move on. I messed it up a long time ago, and messed it up for good, it seems.
makes the lonely apartment just that much more lonely, tho. i do, feel so alone, anymore. and when Jaden gets back from the QC, what then? i can't pretend she has any feelings for me, anymore. Not after this month. so how alone will i feel then, when she gets back? emotionally quite a bit, i'm sure, but at the very least i'll have someone to talk to. thatll have to mean something.
heh... I was doing so well. And if only things would have gone differently. If my dreams and hopes would have come through, well, thats an if. and screw the ifs, might have been nice, might not have. never know now, anyway.
*heavy sigh*
I just want to feel needed. thats all i need in life to be happy. But it wasn't fair to look to Desi for that. and Jadens made it clear that theres someone else she needs a lot more than me.
and thats it. all she wrote for this next chapter. i can't keep going with this right now.
26.12.08
26 - Reimagined
Nother lapse... but it was shorter this time and there was a holiday involved... that gives me a free pass, no?
Probably not, but, what can you do, right?
Its Friday...
Friday, the day after Christmas.
Sitting here at work adn all i want is to be home on the xbox. Or to here from Desi... Preferably both. I know she's ok, now, at least... Talked for a few minutes xmas eve night, before she had to get back to her fam. Don't need to worry about her ditch/car accident nemore, at least.
Jadens back at work now... for the day... not expecting to see her at all, tho. Theres a possibility that i'll be home when she gets home from work to pick up some stuff... but she's already wanting to leave early and im not going to be suprised if she does. Then she'll head back to the qc and back to Ace. Ive made peace with it. Not going to forget it, being left for a whole week like this, for him... but i've made peace with it.
I'm doing ok. And I don't know if thats wrong, or a mirage, or a farce, or what. But, I"m doing ok. I've accepted some things that subconciously i've been trying very hard not to accept. It took some re-playing of conversations in my head to get there, but i feel like i'm standing on some pretty solid ground, now.
I finally just told myself, that if I'm hearing her telling him that she loves him, then thats the end of the show. Curtain call. Last peice in the puzzle. And so thats that. I won't begrudge either of them, because it isn't my style. But, regardless of whether they've .decided. to give it a go and a label or not, she loves him, not me, and thats all that i need to be concerned with.
express mail time, i'll be back
So now what? Jaden is getting out of work at 2, like i already said i wasn't going to be suprised about. meaning she'll be taking the gifts that she needs to take, possibly doing some cleanup if she still feels like its necessary, and then heading out to the qc. So, like i'd already assumed, i won't be seeing her today, methinks.
So the day goes on, like it already was going to. Nothings really changed... finish work, go home... Maybe some supper, def some mass effect... Maybe Desi will call when she's done with work, maybe not. Might have to see what TJ is up to this weekend, maybe he'll want to hang out or something...
I'm still doing ok, tho. A few days ago, the thought that she was getting out of work early and going to be spending more time with Ace than had been previously planned would have def taken its toll on me, but, i'm shrugging it off and away, cause its none of my bees wax. She's got her own life and i'm not a part of that, maybe an accessory to it, but certainly not a part of it, and therefore it shouldn't eb affecting me.
My hand hurts... dunno why but, i'm gonna stop typing for now... Stamp time anyway. More later perhaps...
Probably not, but, what can you do, right?
Its Friday...
Friday, the day after Christmas.
Sitting here at work adn all i want is to be home on the xbox. Or to here from Desi... Preferably both. I know she's ok, now, at least... Talked for a few minutes xmas eve night, before she had to get back to her fam. Don't need to worry about her ditch/car accident nemore, at least.
Jadens back at work now... for the day... not expecting to see her at all, tho. Theres a possibility that i'll be home when she gets home from work to pick up some stuff... but she's already wanting to leave early and im not going to be suprised if she does. Then she'll head back to the qc and back to Ace. Ive made peace with it. Not going to forget it, being left for a whole week like this, for him... but i've made peace with it.
I'm doing ok. And I don't know if thats wrong, or a mirage, or a farce, or what. But, I"m doing ok. I've accepted some things that subconciously i've been trying very hard not to accept. It took some re-playing of conversations in my head to get there, but i feel like i'm standing on some pretty solid ground, now.
I finally just told myself, that if I'm hearing her telling him that she loves him, then thats the end of the show. Curtain call. Last peice in the puzzle. And so thats that. I won't begrudge either of them, because it isn't my style. But, regardless of whether they've .decided. to give it a go and a label or not, she loves him, not me, and thats all that i need to be concerned with.
express mail time, i'll be back
So now what? Jaden is getting out of work at 2, like i already said i wasn't going to be suprised about. meaning she'll be taking the gifts that she needs to take, possibly doing some cleanup if she still feels like its necessary, and then heading out to the qc. So, like i'd already assumed, i won't be seeing her today, methinks.
So the day goes on, like it already was going to. Nothings really changed... finish work, go home... Maybe some supper, def some mass effect... Maybe Desi will call when she's done with work, maybe not. Might have to see what TJ is up to this weekend, maybe he'll want to hang out or something...
I'm still doing ok, tho. A few days ago, the thought that she was getting out of work early and going to be spending more time with Ace than had been previously planned would have def taken its toll on me, but, i'm shrugging it off and away, cause its none of my bees wax. She's got her own life and i'm not a part of that, maybe an accessory to it, but certainly not a part of it, and therefore it shouldn't eb affecting me.
My hand hurts... dunno why but, i'm gonna stop typing for now... Stamp time anyway. More later perhaps...
23.12.08
23 - Tidings
Well, its been a bit of a dry spell.. I do apologize.
Its been several days since i've had internet access here at home and I've been busy/uninspired during work hours...
Also, playing of Mass Effect over the weekend had a little bit to do with things as well...
And this weekend, I just really didn't even want to think about what was on my mind, much less to type it out here and have it staring me in the face...
So, whats going on you might ask?
Well, today is the day before Xmas Eve... Tomorrow, after work, i'll be coming home to see Jaden, but to see her to say good bye to her... for she will be traveling to her families house for xmas... and I will be going to mine.
the day after xmas, she'll be leaving her house to go see Ace. Again.
Then i'm hoping she'll come home, for a bit... She's got to work... for a day or so... before she'll be going off to see Ace again, for the duration of the month. Yay.
I'll be here... here in the apt, alone... least i've got the mass effect game... I'll play it... work, and play it... should be able to keep my mind off of things, for a little while...
Tonight was supposed to be a movie night... I don't think thats going to happen so much, anymore. Ace is on the phone and isn't showing any signs of slowing down. So, even though they just spent last weekend together... and they're going to be spending at least one day this week together... plus all of the last week of the month... well... Even with all of that, he's still got precedence over nething going on here...
And, well, I guess its not suprising. Not something I don't already know, I guess.
So, deal with it as it goes.
Remind myself on my own time that i'm just the roommate, so that its not such a kick in the teeth when its reminded to me.
And plow on from there.
Nervous about Destina, today... Texted her after a lack of communication this week, and the only reply i got was mid-morning, telling me that she was in a ditch, and that she was two seconds from breaking up with her boyfriend.
Haven't heard from her since... despite a pair of texts and a phone call...
So it goes, i suppose... If she wants to talk, she knows where to find me, I certainly can't force her too...
Family xmas is gonna be a lil tough this year... but at least with having to work on friday i'm not going to have to be there long... So that'll be that...
Then i'll come home and be alone for the rest of the month. yay...
I need to stop dwelling on that, but its just so hard to do... i just don't understand why he gets so much of her time... even if i am .just. the roommate... especially after a saturday evening last weekend turned into a saturday/sunday visit.... And well, I guess i'm just jealous. And thats neither healthy, nor is it going to accomplish anything but negatives.
So, I need to stop dwelling on it. It is the way it is, and she wants to be with Ace and I've just got to let that go. Its not within my control, she wants what she wants and she'll see what she see's and the only thing i can hope for is that she's happy, and that i'm wrong about the way i feel abotu the whole situation.
Cause i'd much rather her be happy, than be anything less. Even if it means she's with him.
I'll find another way to be happy... somehow, someday. I liked the happy that i was with her, but, it just wasn't in the cards... I've been happy before... Somehow i'll find a way to be happy again.
.sighs.
Somehow, Someday.
Hours getting late... I'll hopefully be back on track with the posting here from now on out, hopefully this was a one-time lapse. we'll see how it all goes.
Its been several days since i've had internet access here at home and I've been busy/uninspired during work hours...
Also, playing of Mass Effect over the weekend had a little bit to do with things as well...
And this weekend, I just really didn't even want to think about what was on my mind, much less to type it out here and have it staring me in the face...
So, whats going on you might ask?
Well, today is the day before Xmas Eve... Tomorrow, after work, i'll be coming home to see Jaden, but to see her to say good bye to her... for she will be traveling to her families house for xmas... and I will be going to mine.
the day after xmas, she'll be leaving her house to go see Ace. Again.
Then i'm hoping she'll come home, for a bit... She's got to work... for a day or so... before she'll be going off to see Ace again, for the duration of the month. Yay.
I'll be here... here in the apt, alone... least i've got the mass effect game... I'll play it... work, and play it... should be able to keep my mind off of things, for a little while...
Tonight was supposed to be a movie night... I don't think thats going to happen so much, anymore. Ace is on the phone and isn't showing any signs of slowing down. So, even though they just spent last weekend together... and they're going to be spending at least one day this week together... plus all of the last week of the month... well... Even with all of that, he's still got precedence over nething going on here...
And, well, I guess its not suprising. Not something I don't already know, I guess.
So, deal with it as it goes.
Remind myself on my own time that i'm just the roommate, so that its not such a kick in the teeth when its reminded to me.
And plow on from there.
Nervous about Destina, today... Texted her after a lack of communication this week, and the only reply i got was mid-morning, telling me that she was in a ditch, and that she was two seconds from breaking up with her boyfriend.
Haven't heard from her since... despite a pair of texts and a phone call...
So it goes, i suppose... If she wants to talk, she knows where to find me, I certainly can't force her too...
Family xmas is gonna be a lil tough this year... but at least with having to work on friday i'm not going to have to be there long... So that'll be that...
Then i'll come home and be alone for the rest of the month. yay...
I need to stop dwelling on that, but its just so hard to do... i just don't understand why he gets so much of her time... even if i am .just. the roommate... especially after a saturday evening last weekend turned into a saturday/sunday visit.... And well, I guess i'm just jealous. And thats neither healthy, nor is it going to accomplish anything but negatives.
So, I need to stop dwelling on it. It is the way it is, and she wants to be with Ace and I've just got to let that go. Its not within my control, she wants what she wants and she'll see what she see's and the only thing i can hope for is that she's happy, and that i'm wrong about the way i feel abotu the whole situation.
Cause i'd much rather her be happy, than be anything less. Even if it means she's with him.
I'll find another way to be happy... somehow, someday. I liked the happy that i was with her, but, it just wasn't in the cards... I've been happy before... Somehow i'll find a way to be happy again.
.sighs.
Somehow, Someday.
Hours getting late... I'll hopefully be back on track with the posting here from now on out, hopefully this was a one-time lapse. we'll see how it all goes.
20.12.08
20 - Ice Cold Tears
Last night was good for me. Came home and got to relax, just lay down on the couch and relax. dinner, and some healthy communication. Watched a decent movie... and talked some more.
Jaden seems to be feeling better, from the illness she was battling yesterday. Better enough to not postpone her trip back to Aces house tonight.
heh.
The sky is crying, Ice Cold Tears, snow flurries that just keep falling. I don't think its heavy enough to stop her from going, but I'm not going to hold my breath and think that it won't possibly keep her from coming back..
We talked alot about her and Ace and this trip and their situation and all other things underneath the sun last night... And by the end of all of that, it sounded as though she was at least considering coming home tonight instead of staying the night there.
And maybe i'm being selfish or greedy, but I very much want to spend a lil more time with her... especially given that shes going to be doing xmas at her parents, and then that whole week after xmas with Ace...
So, itd be awesome, for me, to see her get home safe tonight... we could make up some tea... and just talk a bit... maybe a back rub or something, and then a nice relaxing night before an equally slow and relaxing sunday...
But... well, we'll just see, then. huh?
I wish my eyes weren't snowing today... just like i wish the sky wasn't crying ice cold tears...
... Aftergloom... So much different than afterglow. Might be a whole 30 minutes since she left... maybe. and here I am, just laying here like a bump on the couch.
*le sigh* can't imagine tonight going well... but i'm not going to let that stop me from at least trying to have a good time. think theres still some skyy in the freezer...
Do a lil drinky... lil supper... think i'm gonna go rent a game from the vid store, just chillax for a night. hope for the best come morning, and like ussual, just take it as it goes.
i'll be alright, it'll be alright, and life will go on. just like it always does.
Jaden seems to be feeling better, from the illness she was battling yesterday. Better enough to not postpone her trip back to Aces house tonight.
heh.
The sky is crying, Ice Cold Tears, snow flurries that just keep falling. I don't think its heavy enough to stop her from going, but I'm not going to hold my breath and think that it won't possibly keep her from coming back..
We talked alot about her and Ace and this trip and their situation and all other things underneath the sun last night... And by the end of all of that, it sounded as though she was at least considering coming home tonight instead of staying the night there.
And maybe i'm being selfish or greedy, but I very much want to spend a lil more time with her... especially given that shes going to be doing xmas at her parents, and then that whole week after xmas with Ace...
So, itd be awesome, for me, to see her get home safe tonight... we could make up some tea... and just talk a bit... maybe a back rub or something, and then a nice relaxing night before an equally slow and relaxing sunday...
But... well, we'll just see, then. huh?
I wish my eyes weren't snowing today... just like i wish the sky wasn't crying ice cold tears...
... Aftergloom... So much different than afterglow. Might be a whole 30 minutes since she left... maybe. and here I am, just laying here like a bump on the couch.
*le sigh* can't imagine tonight going well... but i'm not going to let that stop me from at least trying to have a good time. think theres still some skyy in the freezer...
Do a lil drinky... lil supper... think i'm gonna go rent a game from the vid store, just chillax for a night. hope for the best come morning, and like ussual, just take it as it goes.
i'll be alright, it'll be alright, and life will go on. just like it always does.
19.12.08
19 - Topsy Turvy
Sometimes life just won't give you a break... Yeah?
Jadens sick today... And i'm .worried. sick, about her.
Just want to go home and take care of her and screw work and alll this and everything else... But, I can't do that...
So here I am, at work... And half of my is tearing itself away to go be with her... and the other half is tearing itself apart, thinking about how she's leaving tomorrow.
At least I didn't have anything planned. I guess thats a plus.
But i'm a little put out by it all... I mean... she's going to be with him the entire week after christmas... .including. new years. Does he really need this weekend, too?
And I know. I know i know. I know that i'm just the roomate now... And I do get that, and I do understand exactly what it means... but that doesn't make it any easier to stomach.
and to top all of that off, my dumb ass went and made a promise last night to some highschool senior punk who wants to be with my sister... So now, if i'm going to own up to my word, I'm gonna have to go head to head with my mother about this whole situation.
I can't even wrap my head around that, yet... but i'm going to go at my mom, so that my sister can date this senior?
What the hells happened to me?
I don't know... Its lunch time... going out with the guys... Maybe some testosterone will boost me out of this slump. maybe.
I'll be back to write more, later... theres still all sorts of shit on my mind.
So, Whats going on in the world of Gauge?
Wednesday was a strange day... for me. Strange becuase of two words. Two very innocent, un-assumptive, simple words...
Two words that through me into a week-ending skid, sliding from a sturdy position atop of a pile, all the way down to the bottom, and setting me up to be burried by last nights addition to the pile.
miss.you
IMed as a message in the present, intended for a me into the future... and then once again while sitting in the very same room with the sender of said words...
miss.you
And even though I constantly do all I can to remind myself of my place as a roommate and an ex... despite all that, it was impossible for those two words to not strike deep enough to cause sparks, which in turn re-lit nearly extinguished flames.
And those flames warmed up my innards, warmed up my heart... Parts of me that had managed to cool off, and even freeze over, were suddenly thawing out, opening up, becoming receptive and vunerable all over again...
I should have seen it coming, should have realized i was only setting myself up for another fall... But, maybe i did and managed to not care. Maybe I just ignored it all.
Either way... she must not have missed me as much as she thought, since she's about to set forth on a month ending exodus over the next two weeks, where the only thing forcing her to be around or be home is the fact that she has to go to work.
So it is what it is. I miss her back, though. Even if she doesn't really miss me. And I miss her back more than I think anyone can ever understand.
But, like anything else in my life, I don't have any control over it. Just have to react. Just have to adjust. Just have to deal. And just have to drive on. Sit back and watch as she spends her time with him, hoping even though it hurts me deep inside, that she has fun and things work out so that she can be happy. And then find a way to keep moving on afterwards, because its the only thing I can do.
One day past, now, and I still feel the effects... spending the night of my would be anniversary, with my ex...
I wish i couldn't close my eyes today, and imagine what things would be like, if they'd gone the other way... I wish i couldn't close my eyes right now, and see her standing next to me, wearing that special gown. Wish i couldn't close my eyes right now, and see all those things i dreamed about, all those things i'd looked forward to, all those things that should have been ours.
Wish i could close my eyes right now and not see anything.
Wish i could.
I don't know what I'm going to do about the end of December, now. How i'm going to manage... What i'm going to come up with, so as to not feel abandoned... I remember how this goes. Need to figure out how i'm going to cover up the obvious empty spot in my life.
Haven't heard from Destina since the 15th. Despite a daily text in some form or another. If its a taste of my own medicine she's feeding me, well I certainly can't blame her. Its only her right to pay back what i did to her first. And if its not then idk. Maybe the weekends just a better time for her... maybe i'll hear from her then.
What else is there?
Besides this mom/sister/sisters boy heavy-weight bout upcoming...
I don't really know.
Feel like theres a million and one more things I want to say and do, in regards to Jaden and me... And I know that a million and one of them are just not the sort of things i can live with saying or doing. She may not honor/respect/listen to Ace's shakey and confused decisions... But I honor and respect her as a person and udnerstand shes earned and is entitled to her own perrogative and her life is her own to live.
Just wish she'd decided to live it a little differently than she did.
So, with that... I've got some express mail to deliver...
maybe more later... maybe not.
Jadens sick today... And i'm .worried. sick, about her.
Just want to go home and take care of her and screw work and alll this and everything else... But, I can't do that...
So here I am, at work... And half of my is tearing itself away to go be with her... and the other half is tearing itself apart, thinking about how she's leaving tomorrow.
At least I didn't have anything planned. I guess thats a plus.
But i'm a little put out by it all... I mean... she's going to be with him the entire week after christmas... .including. new years. Does he really need this weekend, too?
And I know. I know i know. I know that i'm just the roomate now... And I do get that, and I do understand exactly what it means... but that doesn't make it any easier to stomach.
and to top all of that off, my dumb ass went and made a promise last night to some highschool senior punk who wants to be with my sister... So now, if i'm going to own up to my word, I'm gonna have to go head to head with my mother about this whole situation.
I can't even wrap my head around that, yet... but i'm going to go at my mom, so that my sister can date this senior?
What the hells happened to me?
I don't know... Its lunch time... going out with the guys... Maybe some testosterone will boost me out of this slump. maybe.
I'll be back to write more, later... theres still all sorts of shit on my mind.
So, Whats going on in the world of Gauge?
Wednesday was a strange day... for me. Strange becuase of two words. Two very innocent, un-assumptive, simple words...
Two words that through me into a week-ending skid, sliding from a sturdy position atop of a pile, all the way down to the bottom, and setting me up to be burried by last nights addition to the pile.
miss.you
IMed as a message in the present, intended for a me into the future... and then once again while sitting in the very same room with the sender of said words...
miss.you
And even though I constantly do all I can to remind myself of my place as a roommate and an ex... despite all that, it was impossible for those two words to not strike deep enough to cause sparks, which in turn re-lit nearly extinguished flames.
And those flames warmed up my innards, warmed up my heart... Parts of me that had managed to cool off, and even freeze over, were suddenly thawing out, opening up, becoming receptive and vunerable all over again...
I should have seen it coming, should have realized i was only setting myself up for another fall... But, maybe i did and managed to not care. Maybe I just ignored it all.
Either way... she must not have missed me as much as she thought, since she's about to set forth on a month ending exodus over the next two weeks, where the only thing forcing her to be around or be home is the fact that she has to go to work.
So it is what it is. I miss her back, though. Even if she doesn't really miss me. And I miss her back more than I think anyone can ever understand.
But, like anything else in my life, I don't have any control over it. Just have to react. Just have to adjust. Just have to deal. And just have to drive on. Sit back and watch as she spends her time with him, hoping even though it hurts me deep inside, that she has fun and things work out so that she can be happy. And then find a way to keep moving on afterwards, because its the only thing I can do.
One day past, now, and I still feel the effects... spending the night of my would be anniversary, with my ex...
I wish i couldn't close my eyes today, and imagine what things would be like, if they'd gone the other way... I wish i couldn't close my eyes right now, and see her standing next to me, wearing that special gown. Wish i couldn't close my eyes right now, and see all those things i dreamed about, all those things i'd looked forward to, all those things that should have been ours.
Wish i could close my eyes right now and not see anything.
Wish i could.
I don't know what I'm going to do about the end of December, now. How i'm going to manage... What i'm going to come up with, so as to not feel abandoned... I remember how this goes. Need to figure out how i'm going to cover up the obvious empty spot in my life.
Haven't heard from Destina since the 15th. Despite a daily text in some form or another. If its a taste of my own medicine she's feeding me, well I certainly can't blame her. Its only her right to pay back what i did to her first. And if its not then idk. Maybe the weekends just a better time for her... maybe i'll hear from her then.
What else is there?
Besides this mom/sister/sisters boy heavy-weight bout upcoming...
I don't really know.
Feel like theres a million and one more things I want to say and do, in regards to Jaden and me... And I know that a million and one of them are just not the sort of things i can live with saying or doing. She may not honor/respect/listen to Ace's shakey and confused decisions... But I honor and respect her as a person and udnerstand shes earned and is entitled to her own perrogative and her life is her own to live.
Just wish she'd decided to live it a little differently than she did.
So, with that... I've got some express mail to deliver...
maybe more later... maybe not.
18.12.08
[ ] - Told you so
Can you tell yourself, I told you so?
I don't think you can, becuase you'd obviously have had to have known that you'd already known it.... so for all intents and purposes you'd already have known so, so the telling of yourself that you told yourself, would be emensely redundant in the worst way.
Regardless.... Here I am. Here I find myself, on the eighteenth of December... what once should have been a day full of love and happiness and all of that other good stuff... ends on the most somber of notes... As i begin to lay down for bed, and let out a weary sigh... Jaden asks me if i'm ok... to which I reply 'i'll be fine...' and she responds by saying, that doenst mean your ok, and I said, no, it doesn't... and within another half second she was sound asleep.
sets up a real good night for me, yeah?
Ace called back just before that, to appologize for what he'd said and done earlier in the night and to take it all back. convinient for them both so they can go to sleep feeling all warm and fuzzy inside, knowing theres someone out there who loves them.
Boy, was it hard to hear her tell him that, tonight... "I love you back..." heh. she told me that, once.
she's not even .with. him and she's telling him that... in the very same night that he just tried to tell her he didn't even want to .talk. to her anymore... she's telling him that.
But, when we were together and I was... how does she put it... 'perfect on paper', she couldn't even barely tell me that.
heh. My lot in life, yeah?
so now, on this day... i sit alone. On the couch in the living room, while she sleeps peacefully in bed, probably dreaming of him and that glorious future that they have waiting for them...
Am I upset? yes. yes I am.
becuase i'm back where i've been since she dumped me. On the outside, looking in. Still saying all the right things, still doing all the right things, still being all the right person... and still not being let into her heart... because thats where he is. because thats where he belongs.
And there just isn't a damned thing that I'll ever be able to do about it.
I love her, and I'll love her to death. But, I just don't think she'll ever stop loving him.
And i'll never be able to be anything but second best.
And i'd probably even settle for that, scary as it may seem... but i know she'd never let me... she'd rather be .not. together with him, and deal with the ups and downs and the twists and turns and the hot and cold, than be together with me.
Hard to swallow. Yes, it is.
but, thats just it, ya know?
No matter how much she remembers us, and no matter how much she still doesn't understand why, she makes no moves, no mentions, no nothing in the direction of re-thinking her decision, not once... not ever, re-thinking her action of throwing me and all we had together away, on the off chance that maybe, sometime, someday, she and him might find someway, to work things out...
I don't even want to sleep, tonight. I already know the nightmares i'll be having... Knowing now that she's going to be leaving on saturday, going back to her hometown, going back to see him. For two days, only to come back for two days, then to leave again for christmas, to come back for a day, to leave again for six days...
*heavy sigh*
Right about now I just want to go outside, find a ditch to lay down in, and let the sleet and ice and freezing rain and snow just turn me into a very dead, very unfeeling corpse.
Then it would all be over.
Then it would all be done.
But we all know I can't do that. No. I can't, because it would hurt my family. It woudl hurt my friends. And it would hurt her. Isn't that messed up? maybe just a little... that I can't do that because I don't want it to hurt her?
Yeah, maybe a little messed up... but its still true.
*heavy sigh* I normally am much more composed than this... think its just the day... just the eighteenth of December... Think I'll be alright. Think I'll be ok. Think a lot of things...
I don't think you can, becuase you'd obviously have had to have known that you'd already known it.... so for all intents and purposes you'd already have known so, so the telling of yourself that you told yourself, would be emensely redundant in the worst way.
Regardless.... Here I am. Here I find myself, on the eighteenth of December... what once should have been a day full of love and happiness and all of that other good stuff... ends on the most somber of notes... As i begin to lay down for bed, and let out a weary sigh... Jaden asks me if i'm ok... to which I reply 'i'll be fine...' and she responds by saying, that doenst mean your ok, and I said, no, it doesn't... and within another half second she was sound asleep.
sets up a real good night for me, yeah?
Ace called back just before that, to appologize for what he'd said and done earlier in the night and to take it all back. convinient for them both so they can go to sleep feeling all warm and fuzzy inside, knowing theres someone out there who loves them.
Boy, was it hard to hear her tell him that, tonight... "I love you back..." heh. she told me that, once.
she's not even .with. him and she's telling him that... in the very same night that he just tried to tell her he didn't even want to .talk. to her anymore... she's telling him that.
But, when we were together and I was... how does she put it... 'perfect on paper', she couldn't even barely tell me that.
heh. My lot in life, yeah?
so now, on this day... i sit alone. On the couch in the living room, while she sleeps peacefully in bed, probably dreaming of him and that glorious future that they have waiting for them...
Am I upset? yes. yes I am.
becuase i'm back where i've been since she dumped me. On the outside, looking in. Still saying all the right things, still doing all the right things, still being all the right person... and still not being let into her heart... because thats where he is. because thats where he belongs.
And there just isn't a damned thing that I'll ever be able to do about it.
I love her, and I'll love her to death. But, I just don't think she'll ever stop loving him.
And i'll never be able to be anything but second best.
And i'd probably even settle for that, scary as it may seem... but i know she'd never let me... she'd rather be .not. together with him, and deal with the ups and downs and the twists and turns and the hot and cold, than be together with me.
Hard to swallow. Yes, it is.
but, thats just it, ya know?
No matter how much she remembers us, and no matter how much she still doesn't understand why, she makes no moves, no mentions, no nothing in the direction of re-thinking her decision, not once... not ever, re-thinking her action of throwing me and all we had together away, on the off chance that maybe, sometime, someday, she and him might find someway, to work things out...
I don't even want to sleep, tonight. I already know the nightmares i'll be having... Knowing now that she's going to be leaving on saturday, going back to her hometown, going back to see him. For two days, only to come back for two days, then to leave again for christmas, to come back for a day, to leave again for six days...
*heavy sigh*
Right about now I just want to go outside, find a ditch to lay down in, and let the sleet and ice and freezing rain and snow just turn me into a very dead, very unfeeling corpse.
Then it would all be over.
Then it would all be done.
But we all know I can't do that. No. I can't, because it would hurt my family. It woudl hurt my friends. And it would hurt her. Isn't that messed up? maybe just a little... that I can't do that because I don't want it to hurt her?
Yeah, maybe a little messed up... but its still true.
*heavy sigh* I normally am much more composed than this... think its just the day... just the eighteenth of December... Think I'll be alright. Think I'll be ok. Think a lot of things...
18 - two by nine, fall in line
daylights given way to the shadows of the night. Winds howling the winters cold fright.
Works done for another day... And now I'm at home, without much to say.
Think this blog will end up incomplete...
because putting thougts to words right now seems an impossible feat.
tension is high in the room once filled with cheer...
cut it with a knife... but it doesn't make it clear...
Whats going on and what is this all about?
Its so much more stressful when no one screams and shouts.
heh... dunno why that all had to be poet like...
But, anyway... Things aren't well right now... in da casa de gauge... and... well, I don't like that and i want it to change...
damn that rhymed too..
whatever...
i'm done for now.
More later tonight maybe... or tomorrow at work... sorry for the vagueness and lack of any real substance... todays just weird... so... deal with it, yeah?
Works done for another day... And now I'm at home, without much to say.
Think this blog will end up incomplete...
because putting thougts to words right now seems an impossible feat.
tension is high in the room once filled with cheer...
cut it with a knife... but it doesn't make it clear...
Whats going on and what is this all about?
Its so much more stressful when no one screams and shouts.
heh... dunno why that all had to be poet like...
But, anyway... Things aren't well right now... in da casa de gauge... and... well, I don't like that and i want it to change...
damn that rhymed too..
whatever...
i'm done for now.
More later tonight maybe... or tomorrow at work... sorry for the vagueness and lack of any real substance... todays just weird... so... deal with it, yeah?
17.12.08
[ ] - Blue Falcon
So I said alot of stuff last night, while talking to Jaden. This whole... free speaking, non-thinking thing has me doing that a lot, lately...
But I told her something, and It hurt her. And I still am not ok with that. I can't even remember why it came up, really. But I mentioned to her that even while she and I were still together and there were tentative plans for her to go see Ace when he came back over thanksgiving, I still would have feared and worried and more than not expected things to happen between them, much the same as what happened after we broke up and she went out to the coast to see him.
She felt as though I was saying I expected her to Cheat on me... Which I tried to assure her was not in any way what I was trying to say... But I guess it seemed that way to her and thats what matters in the end, I suppose.
I don't know that I can necessarily be blamed... though... Given they're histories, given the the propensity for change and spur of the moment-ness... Given that I knew she was dreaming about him and her, that I knew she still had feelings for him, that I knew she was missing him, and That I knew she wasn't happy with me anymore, and that I knew what had happened when she wasn't happy with him and they were having problems and she visited me.... Well, it was hard to tell myself anything else but that things would probably happen and that we'd probably be over...
Digressing, though, because thats been said and done and I certainly can't take it back or make it better...
We talked alot last night... Things got pretty deep at times and not so deep, at others... Talking about the time she'll be spending with him in December... and again in the upcoming spring... The possibility or whatever it is of them decided to get together .before. he goes on his deployment as opposed to after.. and the intricacies of sport bike riding jerks that will probably hit on her and try to pick her up during the riding season this spring.
Talked alot about Destina, both directly and in-directly... Along the lines of me and my propensities to attatch myself to someone when I feel alone. I really don't want to repeat any mistakes that I've made before in life, but at the same time i'm scared that I can't tell myself that I wouldn't jump at the chance, either.
Bout time to go on this mail/paper run and I've got to get going on it... But I'll be back later, add more to this... My minds just full of stuff these days and its all got to find a way out, one way or another.
But I told her something, and It hurt her. And I still am not ok with that. I can't even remember why it came up, really. But I mentioned to her that even while she and I were still together and there were tentative plans for her to go see Ace when he came back over thanksgiving, I still would have feared and worried and more than not expected things to happen between them, much the same as what happened after we broke up and she went out to the coast to see him.
She felt as though I was saying I expected her to Cheat on me... Which I tried to assure her was not in any way what I was trying to say... But I guess it seemed that way to her and thats what matters in the end, I suppose.
I don't know that I can necessarily be blamed... though... Given they're histories, given the the propensity for change and spur of the moment-ness... Given that I knew she was dreaming about him and her, that I knew she still had feelings for him, that I knew she was missing him, and That I knew she wasn't happy with me anymore, and that I knew what had happened when she wasn't happy with him and they were having problems and she visited me.... Well, it was hard to tell myself anything else but that things would probably happen and that we'd probably be over...
Digressing, though, because thats been said and done and I certainly can't take it back or make it better...
We talked alot last night... Things got pretty deep at times and not so deep, at others... Talking about the time she'll be spending with him in December... and again in the upcoming spring... The possibility or whatever it is of them decided to get together .before. he goes on his deployment as opposed to after.. and the intricacies of sport bike riding jerks that will probably hit on her and try to pick her up during the riding season this spring.
Talked alot about Destina, both directly and in-directly... Along the lines of me and my propensities to attatch myself to someone when I feel alone. I really don't want to repeat any mistakes that I've made before in life, but at the same time i'm scared that I can't tell myself that I wouldn't jump at the chance, either.
Bout time to go on this mail/paper run and I've got to get going on it... But I'll be back later, add more to this... My minds just full of stuff these days and its all got to find a way out, one way or another.
"Keep changing your mind.
Like clouds in the sky.
Love me when your high.
Leave me when you cry.
I know it all takes time.
Like a river running dry when the suns to bright.
So long this is good-bye.
May we meet again in another life.
Like strangers passing by.
May we see clearly in a different light.
Keep dodging lights.
Like a thief in the night.
The sun will rise and expose all our lies.
So why deny that you and I lead different lives.
The rivers from your eye's can't change my mind.
So long this is good-bye.
May we meet again in another life.
Like strangers passing by.
May we see clearly in a different light.
Oh...
The rivers from your eye's can't change my mind.
So long this is good-bye.
May we meet again in another life.
Like strangers passing by.
May we see clearly in a different light."
Thirty more minutes, then I go on my final run of the day, and get ready for the slushy drive home.
So whats on my mind, now? Lots. Always lots.
Its incoherent, now, though. Thoughts aren't forming solidly.
I'm lost again.
I feel like something i'e written today has caused some distress in Jaden, and not knowing what or why is weighing heavily on my shoulders.
I certainly don't want to be hurting her or causing her non-good feelings. Intentionally or not.
My backs killing me... between snow care last night and paper order today i'm a walking corpse when it comes to my back.... I haven't really written anything this second go around... But, maybe thats ok? Maybe the stress I feel is just general stress from a stressful life? *small shrug* Guess I'll see later on into the day.
17 - ThreeHundredSixtyFour
Welcome to wednesday. I'll hop right into it and save you all the introduction to the day. Got a text mid-morning from Jaden letting me know she got a response to an email she sent about a month ago about an apt on the other side of town, and that she was going to go look at it today. x_X *sigh*
She says shes not expecting much, and that its an efficiency and she hasn't heard nething goo dabout them and its cheaper than where we live now and all of that. And its fine and welll.... But, no matter which way you look at it, its a first step. She gets this first one out of the way, it'll be that much easier and that much more encouraged for her to go ahead and find another one to look at, too.
To me its just one more peg in the board... One more domino falling to the ground in a long line of dominos that have fallen before this one. And try as I might to fortify the rest and keep them standing, they just keep falling down, on after another.
And this week, of all weeks, for one more domino to fall. I knew it was coming but purposefully tried my best to not keep track, to not pay attention. But its here. Tomorrow will be the 18th of December. Three hundred sixty four days ago, Jaden and I sealed our fates together with the intent of making a go at life with one another by our sides. Three hundred sixty four days later... She's trying to find a place to live away from me.
Fate and Fortune can be tricksters, that much is for sure. Its still so hard to beleive. Three Hundred and Sixty Four days ago... i couldn't have ever even considered sitting here now, without her. Never in my deepest worries had I seen things ended the way they did, as soon as they did, and as fast as they did. Yes I always worried about Ace and his return to her life... But, I never for once considered that she'd find a reason to leave me.
The tricksters proved me wrong, though.
So... This morning after her apt looking text... We seemed to get into a mini debate/discussion about her moving out again, and I don't think it went all that well, honestly...
*shrugs* who knows, if it will continue throughout the day or even tonight. Doesn't seem to be all that productive or healthy or beneficial. She wants to leave, I don't want her to, and thats pretty much the short and long of it. I won't be convinced that she should leave, and I don't see her being convinced that she should stay. So I guess when it comes down to it its just a matter of how soon she finds a place and picks up and walks out of our home.
Not a happy thought in the least, especially today, on the eve of what would have been our first anniversary. I have no doubt that had none of this happened, none of the dreams or the thoughts or the non happiness and all of it in between... I have no doubt in my mind that I would have ended up proposing tomorrow. I probably would have found a way to talk to her father over thanksgiving... and that would have been that. And come the end of tomorrow... I'd have asked her to marry me.
Heh.
What else can I say? Three Hundred Sixty Four days.
She says shes not expecting much, and that its an efficiency and she hasn't heard nething goo dabout them and its cheaper than where we live now and all of that. And its fine and welll.... But, no matter which way you look at it, its a first step. She gets this first one out of the way, it'll be that much easier and that much more encouraged for her to go ahead and find another one to look at, too.
To me its just one more peg in the board... One more domino falling to the ground in a long line of dominos that have fallen before this one. And try as I might to fortify the rest and keep them standing, they just keep falling down, on after another.
And this week, of all weeks, for one more domino to fall. I knew it was coming but purposefully tried my best to not keep track, to not pay attention. But its here. Tomorrow will be the 18th of December. Three hundred sixty four days ago, Jaden and I sealed our fates together with the intent of making a go at life with one another by our sides. Three hundred sixty four days later... She's trying to find a place to live away from me.
Fate and Fortune can be tricksters, that much is for sure. Its still so hard to beleive. Three Hundred and Sixty Four days ago... i couldn't have ever even considered sitting here now, without her. Never in my deepest worries had I seen things ended the way they did, as soon as they did, and as fast as they did. Yes I always worried about Ace and his return to her life... But, I never for once considered that she'd find a reason to leave me.
The tricksters proved me wrong, though.
So... This morning after her apt looking text... We seemed to get into a mini debate/discussion about her moving out again, and I don't think it went all that well, honestly...
*shrugs* who knows, if it will continue throughout the day or even tonight. Doesn't seem to be all that productive or healthy or beneficial. She wants to leave, I don't want her to, and thats pretty much the short and long of it. I won't be convinced that she should leave, and I don't see her being convinced that she should stay. So I guess when it comes down to it its just a matter of how soon she finds a place and picks up and walks out of our home.
Not a happy thought in the least, especially today, on the eve of what would have been our first anniversary. I have no doubt that had none of this happened, none of the dreams or the thoughts or the non happiness and all of it in between... I have no doubt in my mind that I would have ended up proposing tomorrow. I probably would have found a way to talk to her father over thanksgiving... and that would have been that. And come the end of tomorrow... I'd have asked her to marry me.
Heh.
What else can I say? Three Hundred Sixty Four days.
16.12.08
16 - Gratuitous Heartbreak; Penchants Revealed
Its been a day. For sure. I've had so many thoughts coursing through me at so many seperate times and so many seperate ways... That its been difficult at all to even keep things straight in front of me. But I can feel the pressure building up and needing out. So, before I brave the snow covered roads heading home... I need to bleed this out.
I think the best and only way, is to go by the order things happened... To ensure fair diversification for all thoughts involved... So let me take you back to last night... and we can start there.
Supper. We had a wonderful dinner and a movie last night. Granted we ended up missing heros because of it... But... regardless it was picturesque. Even with Jaden Iming Ace, things were still well enough. We started to have our own conversation, amidst her conversation with him, after I noticed that she didn't look all that great... Talking about what happened the other night... What it had caused for her and that sort of thing... gradually flowing into a deeper conversation, occasionally interupted by her discussion going on with Ace...
Eventually, He called. And we both knew she was going to pick it up... Its an elementary decision, really, given the fact that I live with her, and theoretically can have a conversation with her at any given part of the day, where-as he on the other hand cannot. So, there wasn't really any hard feelings there... Yes it got to me a little, but it always does, no matter the circumstances... They talked for awhile... about any number of things... I was watching the game mostly, trying not to listen for her privacies sake... but, she ended up mentioning that she was having a convertsation with me while talking with Ace on the IM... and that seemed to spark up something rather un-bueno between them...
More after snow-care... Stay tuned.
So i'm back... un-bueno... Yeah, I don't know what it was all about really, About the time i realized that it was about me, and that it was getting touchy, I got up, cleaned off the table, turned off the television and headed into the bedroom... It was late enough by then already that it could have been bed time and I didn't want my presence to impede Jaden in her discussion, nor did I want to make her feel like I was listening in or nething of the sort. It just felt to me like it wasn't fair to either of them for me to be out here while they were talking, anymore.
So i went into the bedroom and laid down. Nearly fell asleep a few times... heard their conversational tones eventually mellow out and then gradually grow back up to happier sounds... Lil bit later I came out to feed the cats, and Jaden said something, and i thought she was still on the phone, but she wasn't and was talking to me... So i responded, and we got a few sentences out before my phone wrang....
It was Destina... She gets off work round eleven msot nights... so she was returning my phone call from sunday on her drive home. Headed into the bedroom where my phone was charging, and answered the call. We talked for awhile... wasn't too long I don't think... Just until she got home. The conversation went as most of them typically do between us these days... Starting out with superficial ketchup of daily lives... followed by sporadic and swift trips down memory lane, followed by her asking me how I'm doing and how my situation is progressing... That ussually turns fairly heavy and philosophical, with the occasional reminder of her life and her relationship with her boyfriend and how things are going and working so well with them...
Except, last night, there was a new addition to it all. remarks, statements, and mini discussions about our past in the form of my shortcomings and wrong doings unto her.
She actually .thanked. me for .breaking her heart. last night. Talk about a slam in the gut. or a stab maybe... Thanked me, for breaking her heart... Becuase without me breaking her heart she'd have continued to want to be with me, and would have never gotten with her current boyfriend... Apparently she met him while still wantingto be with me and while we were still talking... and was torn between us, until i went and did my jerk thing and stopped talking to her. heh. How do you respond to that? How do you feel after that? How .can. you feel after that?
Especially when really, deep down, you never really stopped caring about her, and it still hurt and bothered you, to do what you did? I stumbled my way through the rest of the conversation... which eventually turned back towards Jaden and I... and thats when Destina reminded me once again... that as I was telling her i couldn't just stop caring about Jaden... that, i've .stoped caring before. which was a reference to the above.
Another knife in the gut... because, i can't deny it... I can't say that its not true... and I can't take it back... This is one of possibly my oldest friends... one of my best, closest, most amazing, most loyal, most forgiving and understanding friends... and I did .what?!. to her?
Screwed her over.
Way to go me.
So then what? right after that last comment, she got home, and it was time to end the convo... she had schoolwork to get to.
After that... it was nearly bed time... I talked to Jaden about it a little bit... the things that were said... how I have a hard time following the conversations and understanding what and where and how things are going or meant. In the process we cleared up the misconception that Destina had broken up with her boyfriend... We didn't really talk about Jadens convo with Ace at all really... and then bed happend.
So I got up the next morning... and went about the daily grinds of life... Work was rough... Had the older mentor with me again... not enough time to destress and way to much time to think...
And then I read Jadens blog.
It was late afternoon by the time I saw she'd posted one... And it struck a few chords in me that hadn't been dusted off in some time. Some lines continued to ring in my head and i think i re read them several handfuls of times.
-his phone call with some girl who has a personal and meaningful ring tone, oi...-
-Though I knew it would happen, and wished it wouldn't in the least, and have absolutely no right to feel it, and run the risk of being called 'hypocrite', despite all these things... I'm overly curious slash jealous me thinks, of his (re)new good friend... of the female type... he always did get along better with girls than guys... not a surprise that he should fall into such a close relationship now that he and I have been having more serious conversations.
I mean... he'll need someone to be all fun and happy with...-
-And with that, I will retire to bed. It is much too late, and I know that my conversation with Gauge is woefully more depressing than chicky girl's in the other room.-
It was a blast to my face, for sure... I hadn't even given thought to her harboring any of those feelings or reactions... And I hadn't even thought twice about my decision to pick up the phone... And I know we talked about the convo after the fact... (since this was written while I was on the phone with Destina) but I was still suprised, and quite honestly caught off gaurd and dumbfounded by reading her vent.
So... Whats really going on, whats happening, what am I thinkgin? all this above is just what actually happened... reactions?
Lets start with Jaden...
I'm worried. Nervous, anxious, and scared. Worried and anxious about the apt situation and new developements there... nervous and scared about a solitary, new thought thats entered into my head...
All this talk about california... About moving out there... about possibly ending up with Ace... I've approached it the only way I can, with understanding, with patience, and with the intention of remaining as much her close and best friend as I can.
Well, last night... a new and terrifying thought occured to me... An outcome... a possibility, that had never been whispered in my head before... What if Ace can't handle that? What if he won't accept that? What if that becomes a problem? What if she's literally forced to choose? Its not the same as taking his call instead of talking to me... Its so much bigger than that... What if I end up losing her as a friend, at no fault of my own, but just because its the only way?
Like how my mothers dislike for my gf's eventually finds its way to manifest and wedge its way into my relationships? It may not even be a decision she makes... it could easily just as well end up being a tarnishing of the talks and time we could spend together... by either having to hide it, or fib about it, or just because of the strife she may or may not have to deal with because of it...
What then? What could be done abotu that? How would I be able to take that?
And why hasn't it come up in my head befroe?
Well, I don't know. But its there now, and its freaking me out...
And Destina... Whats going on there? Where is that going? Am I too weak? I'm afraid of the concept.... afraid of the thought, that I may be. That I may be so desperate for that bf gf connection that I turn back to her... only to screw her over again...
And will our friendhsip ever be the same? or will the past always place a shadow over anything else that goes on? Will I ever be able to outrun, comfront or defeat my past actions? Will i ever be able to atone for those sins?
I don't know, and she's just as hard to gauge as she always has been... that bit of mystery, the veil of uncertainty... it always was a bit intoxicating... and always was the bane of my existence...
And now I see it more clearly tan ever... not see through it, just see it... and see it as an obstacle...
And, yeah. it bugs me a bit.
But not nearly as much as the thought of losing Jaden... And I just don't like that thought, at all.
I feel like there was so much more that I wanted to put out here tonight... but the repeated interuptions at wor, the small time to think interupted by several work conversations with the mentor... So many half thoughts, never allowed to finish... followed by the crappy weather, stressful road conditions, and physical exertion of snow care... I think this is all I'll be squaking out, today.
So, thats al folks, thanks for coming along for the ride.
I think the best and only way, is to go by the order things happened... To ensure fair diversification for all thoughts involved... So let me take you back to last night... and we can start there.
Supper. We had a wonderful dinner and a movie last night. Granted we ended up missing heros because of it... But... regardless it was picturesque. Even with Jaden Iming Ace, things were still well enough. We started to have our own conversation, amidst her conversation with him, after I noticed that she didn't look all that great... Talking about what happened the other night... What it had caused for her and that sort of thing... gradually flowing into a deeper conversation, occasionally interupted by her discussion going on with Ace...
Eventually, He called. And we both knew she was going to pick it up... Its an elementary decision, really, given the fact that I live with her, and theoretically can have a conversation with her at any given part of the day, where-as he on the other hand cannot. So, there wasn't really any hard feelings there... Yes it got to me a little, but it always does, no matter the circumstances... They talked for awhile... about any number of things... I was watching the game mostly, trying not to listen for her privacies sake... but, she ended up mentioning that she was having a convertsation with me while talking with Ace on the IM... and that seemed to spark up something rather un-bueno between them...
More after snow-care... Stay tuned.
So i'm back... un-bueno... Yeah, I don't know what it was all about really, About the time i realized that it was about me, and that it was getting touchy, I got up, cleaned off the table, turned off the television and headed into the bedroom... It was late enough by then already that it could have been bed time and I didn't want my presence to impede Jaden in her discussion, nor did I want to make her feel like I was listening in or nething of the sort. It just felt to me like it wasn't fair to either of them for me to be out here while they were talking, anymore.
So i went into the bedroom and laid down. Nearly fell asleep a few times... heard their conversational tones eventually mellow out and then gradually grow back up to happier sounds... Lil bit later I came out to feed the cats, and Jaden said something, and i thought she was still on the phone, but she wasn't and was talking to me... So i responded, and we got a few sentences out before my phone wrang....
It was Destina... She gets off work round eleven msot nights... so she was returning my phone call from sunday on her drive home. Headed into the bedroom where my phone was charging, and answered the call. We talked for awhile... wasn't too long I don't think... Just until she got home. The conversation went as most of them typically do between us these days... Starting out with superficial ketchup of daily lives... followed by sporadic and swift trips down memory lane, followed by her asking me how I'm doing and how my situation is progressing... That ussually turns fairly heavy and philosophical, with the occasional reminder of her life and her relationship with her boyfriend and how things are going and working so well with them...
Except, last night, there was a new addition to it all. remarks, statements, and mini discussions about our past in the form of my shortcomings and wrong doings unto her.
She actually .thanked. me for .breaking her heart. last night. Talk about a slam in the gut. or a stab maybe... Thanked me, for breaking her heart... Becuase without me breaking her heart she'd have continued to want to be with me, and would have never gotten with her current boyfriend... Apparently she met him while still wantingto be with me and while we were still talking... and was torn between us, until i went and did my jerk thing and stopped talking to her. heh. How do you respond to that? How do you feel after that? How .can. you feel after that?
Especially when really, deep down, you never really stopped caring about her, and it still hurt and bothered you, to do what you did? I stumbled my way through the rest of the conversation... which eventually turned back towards Jaden and I... and thats when Destina reminded me once again... that as I was telling her i couldn't just stop caring about Jaden... that, i've .stoped caring before. which was a reference to the above.
Another knife in the gut... because, i can't deny it... I can't say that its not true... and I can't take it back... This is one of possibly my oldest friends... one of my best, closest, most amazing, most loyal, most forgiving and understanding friends... and I did .what?!. to her?
Screwed her over.
Way to go me.
So then what? right after that last comment, she got home, and it was time to end the convo... she had schoolwork to get to.
After that... it was nearly bed time... I talked to Jaden about it a little bit... the things that were said... how I have a hard time following the conversations and understanding what and where and how things are going or meant. In the process we cleared up the misconception that Destina had broken up with her boyfriend... We didn't really talk about Jadens convo with Ace at all really... and then bed happend.
So I got up the next morning... and went about the daily grinds of life... Work was rough... Had the older mentor with me again... not enough time to destress and way to much time to think...
And then I read Jadens blog.
It was late afternoon by the time I saw she'd posted one... And it struck a few chords in me that hadn't been dusted off in some time. Some lines continued to ring in my head and i think i re read them several handfuls of times.
-his phone call with some girl who has a personal and meaningful ring tone, oi...-
-Though I knew it would happen, and wished it wouldn't in the least, and have absolutely no right to feel it, and run the risk of being called 'hypocrite', despite all these things... I'm overly curious slash jealous me thinks, of his (re)new good friend... of the female type... he always did get along better with girls than guys... not a surprise that he should fall into such a close relationship now that he and I have been having more serious conversations.
I mean... he'll need someone to be all fun and happy with...-
-And with that, I will retire to bed. It is much too late, and I know that my conversation with Gauge is woefully more depressing than chicky girl's in the other room.-
It was a blast to my face, for sure... I hadn't even given thought to her harboring any of those feelings or reactions... And I hadn't even thought twice about my decision to pick up the phone... And I know we talked about the convo after the fact... (since this was written while I was on the phone with Destina) but I was still suprised, and quite honestly caught off gaurd and dumbfounded by reading her vent.
So... Whats really going on, whats happening, what am I thinkgin? all this above is just what actually happened... reactions?
Lets start with Jaden...
I'm worried. Nervous, anxious, and scared. Worried and anxious about the apt situation and new developements there... nervous and scared about a solitary, new thought thats entered into my head...
All this talk about california... About moving out there... about possibly ending up with Ace... I've approached it the only way I can, with understanding, with patience, and with the intention of remaining as much her close and best friend as I can.
Well, last night... a new and terrifying thought occured to me... An outcome... a possibility, that had never been whispered in my head before... What if Ace can't handle that? What if he won't accept that? What if that becomes a problem? What if she's literally forced to choose? Its not the same as taking his call instead of talking to me... Its so much bigger than that... What if I end up losing her as a friend, at no fault of my own, but just because its the only way?
Like how my mothers dislike for my gf's eventually finds its way to manifest and wedge its way into my relationships? It may not even be a decision she makes... it could easily just as well end up being a tarnishing of the talks and time we could spend together... by either having to hide it, or fib about it, or just because of the strife she may or may not have to deal with because of it...
What then? What could be done abotu that? How would I be able to take that?
And why hasn't it come up in my head befroe?
Well, I don't know. But its there now, and its freaking me out...
And Destina... Whats going on there? Where is that going? Am I too weak? I'm afraid of the concept.... afraid of the thought, that I may be. That I may be so desperate for that bf gf connection that I turn back to her... only to screw her over again...
And will our friendhsip ever be the same? or will the past always place a shadow over anything else that goes on? Will I ever be able to outrun, comfront or defeat my past actions? Will i ever be able to atone for those sins?
I don't know, and she's just as hard to gauge as she always has been... that bit of mystery, the veil of uncertainty... it always was a bit intoxicating... and always was the bane of my existence...
And now I see it more clearly tan ever... not see through it, just see it... and see it as an obstacle...
And, yeah. it bugs me a bit.
But not nearly as much as the thought of losing Jaden... And I just don't like that thought, at all.
I feel like there was so much more that I wanted to put out here tonight... but the repeated interuptions at wor, the small time to think interupted by several work conversations with the mentor... So many half thoughts, never allowed to finish... followed by the crappy weather, stressful road conditions, and physical exertion of snow care... I think this is all I'll be squaking out, today.
So, thats al folks, thanks for coming along for the ride.
15.12.08
15 - Infinite Horizons
Sorry bout yesterday, y'all. Sunday though.. I get a grace period. Right now I'd rather not talk about Sunday... I might get there later. Might not. We'll see.
Jaden left her phone at home before work today... So theres been no comms since then. Days been halfway busy enough... But I've still had chances to think. Too many chances to think. Got a bit of a break in the work cycle and hoped on here, but somehow managed to end up in the Verse Blog instead... Probably because of the new entry she put up there... Curiousity killing the cat as it always does, I lingered there in the Verse Blog... reading more than i'd like to have... Remembering mroe than I needed to.
So much in my head right now. Scratching and pounding and trying to claw its way out. So many thoughts and emotions. But, underneath it all, the core of what seems to be everything these days... Is knowing she doesn't love me anymore, and not understanding why.
At least I know it. Thats a good thing. A healthy thing. I just so wish I knew why. Its hard to go back and read the poems she wrote, post Ace... During Us... even To me... So hard to go back and read those words, and feel those feelings... The strength, the purity, the conviction... And to know now, what I didn't know then, that 5 months down the road it would all be gone... And yet even in knowing that now, I still cannot see or understand why or how its come to be.
I'm a pro at beating a dead horse... And I feel like i'm just tromping my way back out to the pasture today to kick at one again. But, its already started... I don't know that I can stop it now.
Maybe its time for me to write a breakup poem... Its always seemed to have been my custom... Why i haven't done it yet is a bit beyond me. But, at the same time... What would I say? I still don't understand why i was dumped. Little hard to get angsty and broody about something you don't even understand.
Would it help? Would it let out some of this internal turmoil? Or would it just stir things up, add fuel to a fire? Well, I dunno. I don't even know if I've got the chops to put together a decent piece of work or not, nemore.
Suppose we'll see.
What else is going on in life? Holidays are approaching, I've still got a few things i need to take care of in that regard. And one of them is talking to Jaden about what we are or are not doing for the holidays this year. I know Ace is coming home on leave in a week or two, and I've no doubt she'll be spending that time with him. And X-mas will be with her family as mine will be with mine... Oi, how nice it was to have that first and now only xmas with my significant other, AND my family all under the same roof. The phrase 'too good to be true' comes to mind. heh.
But, regardless of plans and who we may or may not be going to see. I dunno if we're doing gifts or not... Technically I don't really get ne of my other friends nething... but also technically I don't have any other friends like her... IDK... its something i've been meaning to bring up for a while... but it just keeps feeling awkward.
Gotta go do some work, be back soon to complete this train of thought.
With each day that passes I feel as though i'm getting a greater grasp on my situation, my thoughts, and my feelings... This mornings nostalgia not included, I feel like i've got a pretty strong grip on things, and a decent outlook to go with it.
I've managed to walk the tight rope, to balance out the weights, and end up where I'm at now. Which is over the relationship, accepting of the fact that she doesn't feel it nemore, and doesn't want to work at feeling it again. Accepting that I've got to live my life, and that means looking forward, and accepting that whats done is done.
The tricky part came in coming to an understanding that even though those things above are true, It doesn't mean I don't still feel all the things I used to feel for and about her. It doesn't mean i don't still love her, it doesn't mean I'm not attracted to her any more, It doesn't mean I don't .want. to be her boyfriend again. It just means I've come to terms with the here and now and accepted the facts and situations and all of that.
I still feel jealous, when Ace and Angel meet, whether its IM or Phone, or talks of time spent on leave... I still feel replaced by Ace, more often than not... I still feel hurt that i wasn't good enough, That I couldn't cut it, That I wasn't what she wanted...
All of thats still there, unchanged. But I feel that I'm her friend now... I feel like the half of me that I gave to her is slowly rebuilding itself. Slowly coming back into me, slowly replacing the void that the half of her she gave to me and then took back has left in me.
I also feel like I'm rambling... And I very well might be.
She's made some comments recently... offhanded or in passing... That I feel link to the living situation and the ever looming possibility of a change to it. And its got me thinking and its got me nervous and its got me worried. Just like it always will. We haven't talked about it lately... But all that means is that I haven't been giving her any more reasons to stay, and shes still going off of her opinion and thoughts abotu wanting to split...
All of my other opinions, arguments, wants, and needs aside... It just makes financial sense to me that she might as well stick with splitting the rent, cable, electric, groceries, etc. for as long as possible. Should she eventually decide to move out to Cali with Ace after his deployment is up, or if she decides to move out there on her own around that same time, then so be it, but i just can't see it making any financial sense whatsoever for her to move out now... pay a security deposit, rent, cable, electric, groceries and all other misc expenses, on her own for those several months, instead of staying here, continuing to split things with me, and saving up the rest that she would be spending if she was on her own otherwise, to help facilitate that move and the meld into the coast lifestyle... Because everything costs more out there, anyway.
*shrugs*
But what do I know? I'm just Gauge.
Three more minutes of Stamp time left before I get to finish sorting this mail and take off on the mail run. Yippee. Also three more minutes until Jaden is allowed to take her lunch, meaning hopefully a text or two.
Ugh. My back feels like its on fire today. everytime I move .something. pinches, or pulls, or bunches, or any other combination of uncomfortable actions that muscles can do.
Jaden left her phone at home before work today... So theres been no comms since then. Days been halfway busy enough... But I've still had chances to think. Too many chances to think. Got a bit of a break in the work cycle and hoped on here, but somehow managed to end up in the Verse Blog instead... Probably because of the new entry she put up there... Curiousity killing the cat as it always does, I lingered there in the Verse Blog... reading more than i'd like to have... Remembering mroe than I needed to.
So much in my head right now. Scratching and pounding and trying to claw its way out. So many thoughts and emotions. But, underneath it all, the core of what seems to be everything these days... Is knowing she doesn't love me anymore, and not understanding why.
At least I know it. Thats a good thing. A healthy thing. I just so wish I knew why. Its hard to go back and read the poems she wrote, post Ace... During Us... even To me... So hard to go back and read those words, and feel those feelings... The strength, the purity, the conviction... And to know now, what I didn't know then, that 5 months down the road it would all be gone... And yet even in knowing that now, I still cannot see or understand why or how its come to be.
I'm a pro at beating a dead horse... And I feel like i'm just tromping my way back out to the pasture today to kick at one again. But, its already started... I don't know that I can stop it now.
Maybe its time for me to write a breakup poem... Its always seemed to have been my custom... Why i haven't done it yet is a bit beyond me. But, at the same time... What would I say? I still don't understand why i was dumped. Little hard to get angsty and broody about something you don't even understand.
Would it help? Would it let out some of this internal turmoil? Or would it just stir things up, add fuel to a fire? Well, I dunno. I don't even know if I've got the chops to put together a decent piece of work or not, nemore.
Suppose we'll see.
What else is going on in life? Holidays are approaching, I've still got a few things i need to take care of in that regard. And one of them is talking to Jaden about what we are or are not doing for the holidays this year. I know Ace is coming home on leave in a week or two, and I've no doubt she'll be spending that time with him. And X-mas will be with her family as mine will be with mine... Oi, how nice it was to have that first and now only xmas with my significant other, AND my family all under the same roof. The phrase 'too good to be true' comes to mind. heh.
But, regardless of plans and who we may or may not be going to see. I dunno if we're doing gifts or not... Technically I don't really get ne of my other friends nething... but also technically I don't have any other friends like her... IDK... its something i've been meaning to bring up for a while... but it just keeps feeling awkward.
Gotta go do some work, be back soon to complete this train of thought.
With each day that passes I feel as though i'm getting a greater grasp on my situation, my thoughts, and my feelings... This mornings nostalgia not included, I feel like i've got a pretty strong grip on things, and a decent outlook to go with it.
I've managed to walk the tight rope, to balance out the weights, and end up where I'm at now. Which is over the relationship, accepting of the fact that she doesn't feel it nemore, and doesn't want to work at feeling it again. Accepting that I've got to live my life, and that means looking forward, and accepting that whats done is done.
The tricky part came in coming to an understanding that even though those things above are true, It doesn't mean I don't still feel all the things I used to feel for and about her. It doesn't mean i don't still love her, it doesn't mean I'm not attracted to her any more, It doesn't mean I don't .want. to be her boyfriend again. It just means I've come to terms with the here and now and accepted the facts and situations and all of that.
I still feel jealous, when Ace and Angel meet, whether its IM or Phone, or talks of time spent on leave... I still feel replaced by Ace, more often than not... I still feel hurt that i wasn't good enough, That I couldn't cut it, That I wasn't what she wanted...
All of thats still there, unchanged. But I feel that I'm her friend now... I feel like the half of me that I gave to her is slowly rebuilding itself. Slowly coming back into me, slowly replacing the void that the half of her she gave to me and then took back has left in me.
I also feel like I'm rambling... And I very well might be.
She's made some comments recently... offhanded or in passing... That I feel link to the living situation and the ever looming possibility of a change to it. And its got me thinking and its got me nervous and its got me worried. Just like it always will. We haven't talked about it lately... But all that means is that I haven't been giving her any more reasons to stay, and shes still going off of her opinion and thoughts abotu wanting to split...
All of my other opinions, arguments, wants, and needs aside... It just makes financial sense to me that she might as well stick with splitting the rent, cable, electric, groceries, etc. for as long as possible. Should she eventually decide to move out to Cali with Ace after his deployment is up, or if she decides to move out there on her own around that same time, then so be it, but i just can't see it making any financial sense whatsoever for her to move out now... pay a security deposit, rent, cable, electric, groceries and all other misc expenses, on her own for those several months, instead of staying here, continuing to split things with me, and saving up the rest that she would be spending if she was on her own otherwise, to help facilitate that move and the meld into the coast lifestyle... Because everything costs more out there, anyway.
*shrugs*
But what do I know? I'm just Gauge.
Three more minutes of Stamp time left before I get to finish sorting this mail and take off on the mail run. Yippee. Also three more minutes until Jaden is allowed to take her lunch, meaning hopefully a text or two.
Ugh. My back feels like its on fire today. everytime I move .something. pinches, or pulls, or bunches, or any other combination of uncomfortable actions that muscles can do.
"I’m dreaming about tomorrow
I’m thinking of yesterday
I consume myself in sorrow
This moment in time
Is what I betray
I am searching for the answers
And I look around, Sometimes I get so hurt
Cause I don’t know which way 2 go
And I look aroundAnd sometimes I get so hurt
Cause my life is spinning out of control
I never know what you want
I never know what you need
It was different, From the start
When you cut me in two I never thought I would bleed"
Randomizer on the Ipods killing me this afternoon.
Alright. Its time to get to work... Enough of this sorrowful stuff...
*hits reset and forces a smile* Monday. Take care of Monday.
13.12.08
13 - Less than grand
Ok... Short post tonight... i'm in need of some serious sleep.
i'll catch y'all up on the xmas party later... right now i'll just focus on today... Met mom and went to sisters bball game... went pleasant enough all things considered... then sis, and her new boy and me and Jaden went to the hockey game... Game went alright... real physical but the 'Riders played like crap and we lost...
On the drive from moms to the hockey game... Destina and I texted a bit... Sparked by some... 'memory' type comments... And she finally asked 'the question'... meaning what happened? Why did I end up treating her the way I did at the end of last year... I knew it was bound to come up eventually, if we were going to continue to have a friendship in any way shape or form into the future... But just wasn't sure how or when it would come out... Well, It did... *small sigh and shrug* It wasn't pretty. But, then again, neither were my actions then. So i guess I can't expect much or anything less, really.
Told her my side... briefly and without much detail, and got a few short one or two word responses...
Finally followed by the 'what was wrong with me?' question...
Which really stung inside... Having to answer that... Having to tell her that there wasn't anything at all wrong with her. that there never has been... That I was just a mondo asshole and just, well I was just a jerk to her and there was and is no justification for it.
I then had to cause a small scene as I became nervous/anxious at the security of the newly re-kindled friendship, especially in light of all of this.
*heavy sigh* asked her if we could talk tomorrow, and she agreed. Hopefully it goes well.
Bed now.
Well, not so bed, anymore. Jadens lappy just turned for the worse, and as she was starting to work on it, Ace called. So I've got a feeling bedtimes been postponed for awhile.
Might as well go ahead and start filling in on Friday and the Xmas party now... Things went well enough... Got there a little late but we were expecting or anticipating that, so it was no biggie... Got our room and our name tags and then headed to the buffet to get some grub. Ran into a hs friend of mine who works at Aegon and it was nice to see her again. Found my co-workers and we settled in for eating adn drinking for awhile... Then Jaden and I hopped up to explore a bit, eventually finding the kareoke room and listening to some good, some bad and some ugly renditions of some hit songs... before returning to the main room...
She mentioned that she wasn't feeling 'weird' and offered to dance, which we did. Alot. it was fun. Slow, country, rock, rap, all of it. Was nice to just let go for awhile... Dancing eventually ended, we wlaked around some more, found some more coworkers to talk with... eventually She started getting tired and it was getting late, so we said our goodbyes and headed up to the room...
The start of a conversation took place before she fell asleep... but it didn't get far and I spent quite some time talking to the air in the room... Eventually she woke back up and I got out what I really wanted and needed to talk about... And that was firstly that night and what had gone on, and what wasn't going on in the bed-time area.
She eventually went back to sleep and I laid restless as i have most of this week... She got up in the morning and headed out to explore a bit since she wasn't tired... I stayed alone in the room and thought fro awhile... When she did get back, we laid around for a bit befroe she asked me if I was ok... and then we got to talking about the other morning... and the hug/hold/cuddle that went on then. Talked at length about that and I feel much more comfortable about the situation as a whole after that talk.
And thats pretty much the jist of friday and the xmas party... My minds getting side-tracked now, between Jadens conversation with Ace, and the myriad of thoughts still shooting their way through my head I don't think I can really do this blog much justice.... So I'll call it a night... at least from the blog... no telling when bedtime will get here... nemore. *small sigh, small shrug, and a small salute*
later.
i'll catch y'all up on the xmas party later... right now i'll just focus on today... Met mom and went to sisters bball game... went pleasant enough all things considered... then sis, and her new boy and me and Jaden went to the hockey game... Game went alright... real physical but the 'Riders played like crap and we lost...
On the drive from moms to the hockey game... Destina and I texted a bit... Sparked by some... 'memory' type comments... And she finally asked 'the question'... meaning what happened? Why did I end up treating her the way I did at the end of last year... I knew it was bound to come up eventually, if we were going to continue to have a friendship in any way shape or form into the future... But just wasn't sure how or when it would come out... Well, It did... *small sigh and shrug* It wasn't pretty. But, then again, neither were my actions then. So i guess I can't expect much or anything less, really.
Told her my side... briefly and without much detail, and got a few short one or two word responses...
Finally followed by the 'what was wrong with me?' question...
Which really stung inside... Having to answer that... Having to tell her that there wasn't anything at all wrong with her. that there never has been... That I was just a mondo asshole and just, well I was just a jerk to her and there was and is no justification for it.
I then had to cause a small scene as I became nervous/anxious at the security of the newly re-kindled friendship, especially in light of all of this.
*heavy sigh* asked her if we could talk tomorrow, and she agreed. Hopefully it goes well.
Bed now.
Well, not so bed, anymore. Jadens lappy just turned for the worse, and as she was starting to work on it, Ace called. So I've got a feeling bedtimes been postponed for awhile.
Might as well go ahead and start filling in on Friday and the Xmas party now... Things went well enough... Got there a little late but we were expecting or anticipating that, so it was no biggie... Got our room and our name tags and then headed to the buffet to get some grub. Ran into a hs friend of mine who works at Aegon and it was nice to see her again. Found my co-workers and we settled in for eating adn drinking for awhile... Then Jaden and I hopped up to explore a bit, eventually finding the kareoke room and listening to some good, some bad and some ugly renditions of some hit songs... before returning to the main room...
She mentioned that she wasn't feeling 'weird' and offered to dance, which we did. Alot. it was fun. Slow, country, rock, rap, all of it. Was nice to just let go for awhile... Dancing eventually ended, we wlaked around some more, found some more coworkers to talk with... eventually She started getting tired and it was getting late, so we said our goodbyes and headed up to the room...
The start of a conversation took place before she fell asleep... but it didn't get far and I spent quite some time talking to the air in the room... Eventually she woke back up and I got out what I really wanted and needed to talk about... And that was firstly that night and what had gone on, and what wasn't going on in the bed-time area.
She eventually went back to sleep and I laid restless as i have most of this week... She got up in the morning and headed out to explore a bit since she wasn't tired... I stayed alone in the room and thought fro awhile... When she did get back, we laid around for a bit befroe she asked me if I was ok... and then we got to talking about the other morning... and the hug/hold/cuddle that went on then. Talked at length about that and I feel much more comfortable about the situation as a whole after that talk.
And thats pretty much the jist of friday and the xmas party... My minds getting side-tracked now, between Jadens conversation with Ace, and the myriad of thoughts still shooting their way through my head I don't think I can really do this blog much justice.... So I'll call it a night... at least from the blog... no telling when bedtime will get here... nemore. *small sigh, small shrug, and a small salute*
later.
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