Mood swing much?
Well, its been an epic couple weeks. That much is for sure. I'm not ready yet to really delve into the reasons why just yet, but, suffice to say its been life altering.
but, smp... pms... crocodile tears... I've been crying ALOT lately. Can't seem to read anything, or watch a decent movie without waterworks...
Its not necessarily a bad thing... quite often theyve been tears at happy times or moments... but... well, it means that i'm emotional. I'm *feeling* again. the stopgap between the world and my heartcords is off, or at least taking a break...
3/3
Its my Birthday today... guess i'm 23 now. (GO DEVIN!) hehe, can't turn 23 without giving the windy city flyer some props.
what else is going on? Well, besides the big stuff that i'm not ready to put up here yet... its now been 7 days since i've heard from Jaden, officially. We'll see if today being my birthday has any effect on that or not. Nothing i can really do about it, so i'm not going to get worked up over it.
Gotta get through the day at work, turn in the dvd's, then heading up to manchester to do dinner with mom and sis. Then it'll be hightailing it back home, gonna try to straighten up a lil bit again, and wait for Star to wind down for the evening.
Honestly thats it right now... Kinda vague and stingy on the info, i know... but, well, tough.
3.3.09
27.2.09
27 - Friday FTW
So. I'm not ussually like this... but... THANK GOODNESS ITS FRIDAY!!!!'
oi.
what a week.
really what a two days...
So psyched to have tomorrow off.
Dunno what else to say at this point. stuffs pretty much unchanged. Still no comms from Jaden. Still comming with Star fairly regularly.
Lil tired right now.
gonna close my eyes.
oi.
what a week.
really what a two days...
So psyched to have tomorrow off.
Dunno what else to say at this point. stuffs pretty much unchanged. Still no comms from Jaden. Still comming with Star fairly regularly.
Lil tired right now.
gonna close my eyes.
26.2.09
[ ] - Wind blown
laying in bed, here, thursday night... just got done playing madden with the sarge on xbox live... waiting for Star to get online.
Mom called tonight... Don't understand why, but we had a fight. First one in awhile... the first ones always get to me the most... No matter how many times the cycle repeats... i always seem to convince myself that maybe, just maybe this one time it won't, maybe this one time, we'll have finally broken free...
*sighs*
still no word from Jaden. beginning to think it's gonna stay that way until the 8th. and if that ends up being the case... well, i don't think things will be hunky dory. No use worrying about it, right now, though. Have plenty of other stuff I can be thinking about.
Like work, and school, and life... Like bowling, friends, food... I need to clean the apt, and need to grocery shop...
Star. I should think about Star. that should at least get me through the night.
I'm tired... eyes are starting to close on me... gonna tap out for the night i think... *waves* thanks for hearing me out.
Mom called tonight... Don't understand why, but we had a fight. First one in awhile... the first ones always get to me the most... No matter how many times the cycle repeats... i always seem to convince myself that maybe, just maybe this one time it won't, maybe this one time, we'll have finally broken free...
*sighs*
still no word from Jaden. beginning to think it's gonna stay that way until the 8th. and if that ends up being the case... well, i don't think things will be hunky dory. No use worrying about it, right now, though. Have plenty of other stuff I can be thinking about.
Like work, and school, and life... Like bowling, friends, food... I need to clean the apt, and need to grocery shop...
Star. I should think about Star. that should at least get me through the night.
I'm tired... eyes are starting to close on me... gonna tap out for the night i think... *waves* thanks for hearing me out.
26 - Worlds apart
Thursday. Feb 26th... Note to self to get rent paid before the weekend.
Went bowling last night!!! First time in way too long... First time sober in... years. put up a horrid showing. broke a hundred each game but stayed in the teens until game 4 when i managed a 163... Prolly gonna give it another shot tonight. Maybe again over the weekend... not sure. Have a company tourney next saturday, and I need to polish up the technique before then.
Earlier this week i got together with one of my old sgts from out east on xbox live and we played a couple games of Madden. It was awesome. Just like old times back on the FOB in the clinic at night. Maybe if he's online tonight i'll do that instead of bowling... we'll see. But it was great to just play football with him again and be able to talk shop for a bit.
Tuesday and Wed this week I had one of the gals from the main mail room over here at my building re-familiarizing. So it was nice to have someone to talk to. She was having some problems with house buying so i let her vent a bit, but she also listened to me, and it was interesting to explain my recent past to someone who had no prior knowledge of me or the parties involved. Got a very different reaction than what i normally get when i tell the tale.
Haven't heard from Jaden since tusday morning. Just going to assume that things are going well, not going to bother her. If she runs into some trouble or needs some help she knows how to get ahold of me.
Still haven't heard from mom or lex this week. I'm probably going to give them a ring on friday if they haven't called first. Don't want to be completely alone for another birthday.
I need to get ahold of TJ and see if i can crash at his place next month for drill, since we're going to headquarters and all. I just don't want to ride the bus/stay at the barracks if i don't have to.
Depending on the weather tonight/tomorrow i need to strip the seat off my bike and toss the cover on it so i can get it shipped to Spence and modded out.
Other than that, business as ussual round here...
Up in the brain pan theres all sorts of stuff cooking, though.
Worlds apart. working title for the blog, i suppose. Delve into it, shall we?
Holy crap, do the astrologers have some not very nice things to say about Star and me.
Aparently, The twins and the fishies are just not supposed to get together. If you follow and believe in the stars and the moons and such.
Not letting that get to me, though... I am a textbook picies on a lot of points, this much is true. However, I also am quite opposite on a few of the points that most fishies follow, as well, so... *shrugs* And I find it hard to peg Star for quite a few of the qualities the gemeni tries to unload on her, too...
As far as last blog goes... I'm still not worrying about it all. Still just letting things go their course and seeing where it all ends up.
We've conversed on the phone a few more times now, still keep up with the texting, the iming, and the writing... Theres a definate, tangible, force pulling. A certain gravity between us. I'm not fighting it. *small shrug* whether thats right or not... i haven't put much thought to.
Worlds apart. I spelled this out a lil while ago, but, 26 hours is a long time. The coast is pretty far away. I haven't finished school, haven't finished the army commitment, and don't have a career. She has her little girl.
Some long odds, if you're the type that has a use for them.
Nothings been literally talked about, yet. Its going to have to come up, soon, though. I'm going to have to know how much of this is just fun and games, and how much of it is straight up reality. Its just something i need to know. Because of the way I am. Because of the fact that I don't play around, i don't half ass anything. I put my all into the people that mean something in my life, and, because of that, i hope and expect that they reciprocate by putting their all back into me.
Sooner, or later, a straight up talks going to have to happen. And it will.
Thats all I've got, for right now... Maybe I'll dazzle you all with some more deep insights later on or perhaps tomorrow.
be easy
Went bowling last night!!! First time in way too long... First time sober in... years. put up a horrid showing. broke a hundred each game but stayed in the teens until game 4 when i managed a 163... Prolly gonna give it another shot tonight. Maybe again over the weekend... not sure. Have a company tourney next saturday, and I need to polish up the technique before then.
Earlier this week i got together with one of my old sgts from out east on xbox live and we played a couple games of Madden. It was awesome. Just like old times back on the FOB in the clinic at night. Maybe if he's online tonight i'll do that instead of bowling... we'll see. But it was great to just play football with him again and be able to talk shop for a bit.
Tuesday and Wed this week I had one of the gals from the main mail room over here at my building re-familiarizing. So it was nice to have someone to talk to. She was having some problems with house buying so i let her vent a bit, but she also listened to me, and it was interesting to explain my recent past to someone who had no prior knowledge of me or the parties involved. Got a very different reaction than what i normally get when i tell the tale.
Haven't heard from Jaden since tusday morning. Just going to assume that things are going well, not going to bother her. If she runs into some trouble or needs some help she knows how to get ahold of me.
Still haven't heard from mom or lex this week. I'm probably going to give them a ring on friday if they haven't called first. Don't want to be completely alone for another birthday.
I need to get ahold of TJ and see if i can crash at his place next month for drill, since we're going to headquarters and all. I just don't want to ride the bus/stay at the barracks if i don't have to.
Depending on the weather tonight/tomorrow i need to strip the seat off my bike and toss the cover on it so i can get it shipped to Spence and modded out.
Other than that, business as ussual round here...
Up in the brain pan theres all sorts of stuff cooking, though.
Worlds apart. working title for the blog, i suppose. Delve into it, shall we?
Holy crap, do the astrologers have some not very nice things to say about Star and me.
Aparently, The twins and the fishies are just not supposed to get together. If you follow and believe in the stars and the moons and such.
Not letting that get to me, though... I am a textbook picies on a lot of points, this much is true. However, I also am quite opposite on a few of the points that most fishies follow, as well, so... *shrugs* And I find it hard to peg Star for quite a few of the qualities the gemeni tries to unload on her, too...
As far as last blog goes... I'm still not worrying about it all. Still just letting things go their course and seeing where it all ends up.
We've conversed on the phone a few more times now, still keep up with the texting, the iming, and the writing... Theres a definate, tangible, force pulling. A certain gravity between us. I'm not fighting it. *small shrug* whether thats right or not... i haven't put much thought to.
Worlds apart. I spelled this out a lil while ago, but, 26 hours is a long time. The coast is pretty far away. I haven't finished school, haven't finished the army commitment, and don't have a career. She has her little girl.
Some long odds, if you're the type that has a use for them.
Nothings been literally talked about, yet. Its going to have to come up, soon, though. I'm going to have to know how much of this is just fun and games, and how much of it is straight up reality. Its just something i need to know. Because of the way I am. Because of the fact that I don't play around, i don't half ass anything. I put my all into the people that mean something in my life, and, because of that, i hope and expect that they reciprocate by putting their all back into me.
Sooner, or later, a straight up talks going to have to happen. And it will.
Thats all I've got, for right now... Maybe I'll dazzle you all with some more deep insights later on or perhaps tomorrow.
be easy
24.2.09
24 - Snirg
Bout a year ago, i was writing here about thinking about active duty. Writing here about Jaden and I having a shotgun wedding so that we could live on post together and talking about starting a new life dedicated to the Army.
Now?
Now I'm writing here on the very day that Jaden is having her Shotgun wedding so that she can live on post with Ace, and starting a new life dedicated to Ace.
*small shrug* least the suns out and the weathers nice on her big day. Thats bout all I can say. She sent me a text last night. one of those, i'm going to bed now, hope your day went alright while i've been out of contact sort of texts. Sometimes I wonder if she thinks that it makes up for not hearing from her all day, or if it makes anything ne better, for me? I wonder why she does it.
Don't get me wrong, i love to hear from her. I just don't understand why she does it. Why she can't say anything all day but still finds time to send a good night text.
Its a lil perplexting, to me. is all.
24 feb 09. Whats going on on this vunderbar tuesday? rode the bike to work, and took it for a ride over lunch. felt great. Talked to Starlight again last night, that felt great, too. Finally got my hair cut last night, that felt great, too.
I desperately need to clean up the place... Its starting to get out of control a bit. Dunno if that will happen tonight or not, though. So. We'll see.
Not a lot going on in my head right now. Giving the whole worrying about Star and me thing a break today, just letting things be whatever they are right now and seeing how things go. The finality of Jaden set in hard saturday and sunday, right now theres not much left to think about or feel. She's saying I Do, today, and officially closing the book on what she and I once had all those months ago. And thats that. I'm closing the book too. So, to Ace, wherever you are, take care of her. Treat her like the angel that you refer to her as, and don't dare break her heart. And to Ace and Angel, once you've been joined, Congratulations and my best wishes for you and your future together.
Maybe someday I'll find a happiness and a peace, like that. Maybe.
Now?
Now I'm writing here on the very day that Jaden is having her Shotgun wedding so that she can live on post with Ace, and starting a new life dedicated to Ace.
*small shrug* least the suns out and the weathers nice on her big day. Thats bout all I can say. She sent me a text last night. one of those, i'm going to bed now, hope your day went alright while i've been out of contact sort of texts. Sometimes I wonder if she thinks that it makes up for not hearing from her all day, or if it makes anything ne better, for me? I wonder why she does it.
Don't get me wrong, i love to hear from her. I just don't understand why she does it. Why she can't say anything all day but still finds time to send a good night text.
Its a lil perplexting, to me. is all.
24 feb 09. Whats going on on this vunderbar tuesday? rode the bike to work, and took it for a ride over lunch. felt great. Talked to Starlight again last night, that felt great, too. Finally got my hair cut last night, that felt great, too.
I desperately need to clean up the place... Its starting to get out of control a bit. Dunno if that will happen tonight or not, though. So. We'll see.
Not a lot going on in my head right now. Giving the whole worrying about Star and me thing a break today, just letting things be whatever they are right now and seeing how things go. The finality of Jaden set in hard saturday and sunday, right now theres not much left to think about or feel. She's saying I Do, today, and officially closing the book on what she and I once had all those months ago. And thats that. I'm closing the book too. So, to Ace, wherever you are, take care of her. Treat her like the angel that you refer to her as, and don't dare break her heart. And to Ace and Angel, once you've been joined, Congratulations and my best wishes for you and your future together.
Maybe someday I'll find a happiness and a peace, like that. Maybe.
23.2.09
23 - Another Year, eh
Sorry again for the lapse. well, sort of... Don't really have an excuse for it, just happened.
Its monday, Jaden gets married tomorrow. *small shrug* Hope she's doing alright and that her day goes as planned.
It still hurts that she's not marrying me. It still hurts that she's marrying Ace. And it still hurts that she's getting married and I can't be there.
heh. Despite the facts of what all has happened between us, she's still my best friend, and it just feels wrong to not be at your best friends wedding. Its such a big deal in her life, going to be such a huge memory for her, and I can't be there for it. Can't be there to tell her that despite the pain, I'm happy for her, and happy for them.
So, thats that, i suppose. Think she has to be back to work on Monday, Ace may or may not be coming up here with her. I'm of the opinion he will be, especially since she has her own place now. I have a hard time imagining anyone choosing to not spend every last second available with their new spouse before they have to leave.
*small sigh*
When next week comes, she may actually start acknowledging my presence again and texting/carrying out a conversation, or she might not. As it is, i don't expect much.
My birthdays next Tuesday. thinking mom or sis may call me this weekend to want to do something for it... but, other than that i've got no plans. Don't have anyone around to celebrate with. Jaden's the only friend i've got, and like i've stated above, i fully expect her to be with Ace.
Maybe I'll just have a party here in the apt by myself... maybe I could call Starlight, and talk to her.
Starlight.
I need to catch you all up on Starlight.
Star and I met via the same role-playing forum that I met Nut-meg and Desi.
We had a couple characters we were writing... the story was slowly bringing them together, but then she and another member of the forum got involved, and he didn't like the idea of our characters getting close, so we forced them in a different direction and kept on writing...
Star and the guy ended up splitting, and after a little while, she and I decided to start back where we had to change things, and re-write the stuff the way we'd originally intended for them to go. As our characters got closer, so did we, and it wasn't too long before we were forced to realize that it wasn't so much our characters interacting anymore, as it was us interacting through our characters...
This was something that we addressed, talked about, and eventually gave in to. And although the details of everything are still a little blurred by the intensity of everything, I think for awhile we were together.
I wasn't ready, though, i think. When i look back at it all, the point in life that i was at, I just didn't know myself, didn't know who i was, and though to this day i'm not clear on why or how it all happened, communication between us lapsed and then died.
Shortly thereafter i ended up enlisting in the army, and the next time i got access to the net, i shot her an email, but the reply i got back wasn't a happy one. Our friendship was over.
I still don't know why i accepted it as readily as I did. But i didn't fight it, didn't email her back to try to talk about it, didn't do anything.
Years went by, I dated Ginger, went on my deployment, My parents split up, Ginger dumped me, I got out on my own in the Apt, dated Jaden, Jaden dumped me. Got out of the security gaurd business, now i've got a decent paying job and full benifits, still on my own, but, more importantly, I've grown up.
Yes i'm still 3 years shy of Star, but i'm ages older mentally than I was when we'd first met.
Anyway, Star came back to the roleplaying forums recently, and, seeing her around and reading her posts but not being able to talk with her was unbearable. I messaged her, i had to. Couldn't not do it. After some back and forth, we decided to give friendship another go.
And we're writing together again, now. Its awesome. We text and we've talked on the phone, in fact she might be calling me tonight.
I'm trying to catch up with her here and there as we go along. Theres alot that i don't remember of her and her past... whether its stuff we talked about that i've forgotten, or stuff that just never got covered in the first place... but, i think we're working on it.
I don't know how to take some things, right now. Others i'm afraid of taking the way i want to. Things feel pretty close to the same as they've always been before. But, the facts say things are different, even if the feelings disagree... I'm trying daily to come to terms with those contradictions. Its tough. Especially without Jaden around to bounce stuff off of. She's always helped me think better outloud, when i can talk about stuff and hear it back in another voice.
Star lives out on the coast. 26 hours from here. Talk about long distance. And she's got a steady career and she has a lovely 8 year old daughter. Not something to get cavalier about. Theres a lot more at stake than mine or her feelings.
i'm teetering between falling back to my old self and playing things cautious and safe and keeping everything bottled up and waiting for everyone else to take the lead, or going forward with the new me, the me thats decided to not let anything go unsaid or done, the new me that just goes for things.
heh, and then theres that other part of me that keeps telling myself that Star is just a nice, friendly person. That she's just being herself and that theres nothing about me to be desired. The pessimistic, negative part of me that just doesn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
So... I just don't know.
Another day, I suppose. Another day.
Its monday, Jaden gets married tomorrow. *small shrug* Hope she's doing alright and that her day goes as planned.
It still hurts that she's not marrying me. It still hurts that she's marrying Ace. And it still hurts that she's getting married and I can't be there.
heh. Despite the facts of what all has happened between us, she's still my best friend, and it just feels wrong to not be at your best friends wedding. Its such a big deal in her life, going to be such a huge memory for her, and I can't be there for it. Can't be there to tell her that despite the pain, I'm happy for her, and happy for them.
So, thats that, i suppose. Think she has to be back to work on Monday, Ace may or may not be coming up here with her. I'm of the opinion he will be, especially since she has her own place now. I have a hard time imagining anyone choosing to not spend every last second available with their new spouse before they have to leave.
*small sigh*
When next week comes, she may actually start acknowledging my presence again and texting/carrying out a conversation, or she might not. As it is, i don't expect much.
My birthdays next Tuesday. thinking mom or sis may call me this weekend to want to do something for it... but, other than that i've got no plans. Don't have anyone around to celebrate with. Jaden's the only friend i've got, and like i've stated above, i fully expect her to be with Ace.
Maybe I'll just have a party here in the apt by myself... maybe I could call Starlight, and talk to her.
Starlight.
I need to catch you all up on Starlight.
Star and I met via the same role-playing forum that I met Nut-meg and Desi.
We had a couple characters we were writing... the story was slowly bringing them together, but then she and another member of the forum got involved, and he didn't like the idea of our characters getting close, so we forced them in a different direction and kept on writing...
Star and the guy ended up splitting, and after a little while, she and I decided to start back where we had to change things, and re-write the stuff the way we'd originally intended for them to go. As our characters got closer, so did we, and it wasn't too long before we were forced to realize that it wasn't so much our characters interacting anymore, as it was us interacting through our characters...
This was something that we addressed, talked about, and eventually gave in to. And although the details of everything are still a little blurred by the intensity of everything, I think for awhile we were together.
I wasn't ready, though, i think. When i look back at it all, the point in life that i was at, I just didn't know myself, didn't know who i was, and though to this day i'm not clear on why or how it all happened, communication between us lapsed and then died.
Shortly thereafter i ended up enlisting in the army, and the next time i got access to the net, i shot her an email, but the reply i got back wasn't a happy one. Our friendship was over.
I still don't know why i accepted it as readily as I did. But i didn't fight it, didn't email her back to try to talk about it, didn't do anything.
Years went by, I dated Ginger, went on my deployment, My parents split up, Ginger dumped me, I got out on my own in the Apt, dated Jaden, Jaden dumped me. Got out of the security gaurd business, now i've got a decent paying job and full benifits, still on my own, but, more importantly, I've grown up.
Yes i'm still 3 years shy of Star, but i'm ages older mentally than I was when we'd first met.
Anyway, Star came back to the roleplaying forums recently, and, seeing her around and reading her posts but not being able to talk with her was unbearable. I messaged her, i had to. Couldn't not do it. After some back and forth, we decided to give friendship another go.
And we're writing together again, now. Its awesome. We text and we've talked on the phone, in fact she might be calling me tonight.
I'm trying to catch up with her here and there as we go along. Theres alot that i don't remember of her and her past... whether its stuff we talked about that i've forgotten, or stuff that just never got covered in the first place... but, i think we're working on it.
I don't know how to take some things, right now. Others i'm afraid of taking the way i want to. Things feel pretty close to the same as they've always been before. But, the facts say things are different, even if the feelings disagree... I'm trying daily to come to terms with those contradictions. Its tough. Especially without Jaden around to bounce stuff off of. She's always helped me think better outloud, when i can talk about stuff and hear it back in another voice.
Star lives out on the coast. 26 hours from here. Talk about long distance. And she's got a steady career and she has a lovely 8 year old daughter. Not something to get cavalier about. Theres a lot more at stake than mine or her feelings.
i'm teetering between falling back to my old self and playing things cautious and safe and keeping everything bottled up and waiting for everyone else to take the lead, or going forward with the new me, the me thats decided to not let anything go unsaid or done, the new me that just goes for things.
heh, and then theres that other part of me that keeps telling myself that Star is just a nice, friendly person. That she's just being herself and that theres nothing about me to be desired. The pessimistic, negative part of me that just doesn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
So... I just don't know.
Another day, I suppose. Another day.
18.2.09
18 - Tastrophe
Alright. sorry for the break. Shit happens.
I'd love to do a nice long recap but its not gonna happen.
Desi's engaged now.
Jaden gets married in 6 days.
Sis and mom are still sis and mom.
I've attempted to 'date' and failed miserably.
I've reconnected with a very special old friend. Starlight. And its wonderful to have her in my life again.
Jadens 'room mate' bailed on her and now she's got a 2bdrm apt on her own, don't know yet how she's going to fix that.
Works been going alot better lately. Thats a great thing.
My mental state? shifts about as much as the lunar phases.
One random thing here, two random things there... Sets me off in a bad way, spins me round in a good way...
Up hasn't been down long enough to differentiate what down isn't nemore.
*small shrug*
Don't know what else to say.
More later this week i suppose, Jaden will be leaving soon, maybe during the 17 day drought of communication something in me will snap?
Dunno.
figure it out as it comes along.
I'd love to do a nice long recap but its not gonna happen.
Desi's engaged now.
Jaden gets married in 6 days.
Sis and mom are still sis and mom.
I've attempted to 'date' and failed miserably.
I've reconnected with a very special old friend. Starlight. And its wonderful to have her in my life again.
Jadens 'room mate' bailed on her and now she's got a 2bdrm apt on her own, don't know yet how she's going to fix that.
Works been going alot better lately. Thats a great thing.
My mental state? shifts about as much as the lunar phases.
One random thing here, two random things there... Sets me off in a bad way, spins me round in a good way...
Up hasn't been down long enough to differentiate what down isn't nemore.
*small shrug*
Don't know what else to say.
More later this week i suppose, Jaden will be leaving soon, maybe during the 17 day drought of communication something in me will snap?
Dunno.
figure it out as it comes along.
7.2.09
07 - The Face Of Whats to Come
Saturdays more over than not, at this point... And I can't honestly say I'm doing ok. Everything I do, Everything I think, Everything I see, has a way of either reminding me of Jaden, or feels like less of whatever it is because she's not a part of it.
*small sigh*
Its the price I'm paying for letting someone mean so much to me, and letting someone become so integrated and so instrumental to my life. between the apt, her missing stuff in it, the stuff thats still her of hers... the stuff that is here now because she and I got it together... Going to bed... Eating meals...
So, all that being said... this weekends tough... but, its only the tip of an iceberg. Cause... This is three days... And I know I've gone through longer stints... her trip to the coast, and the last few trips to the QC... But all of these are tips of the iceberg... Someday, She's not just going to be gone out of reach... Someday, she's goin to be not comin back. Someday she's goin to not be able to be that integral part of my life, anymore.
So I ask myself, Then What?
What do i do then?
The answer? I don't know it.
I just hope someday I'll figure it out.
*small sigh*
Its the price I'm paying for letting someone mean so much to me, and letting someone become so integrated and so instrumental to my life. between the apt, her missing stuff in it, the stuff thats still her of hers... the stuff that is here now because she and I got it together... Going to bed... Eating meals...
So, all that being said... this weekends tough... but, its only the tip of an iceberg. Cause... This is three days... And I know I've gone through longer stints... her trip to the coast, and the last few trips to the QC... But all of these are tips of the iceberg... Someday, She's not just going to be gone out of reach... Someday, she's goin to be not comin back. Someday she's goin to not be able to be that integral part of my life, anymore.
So I ask myself, Then What?
What do i do then?
The answer? I don't know it.
I just hope someday I'll figure it out.
6.2.09
06 - weak END
"I wished I was smarter
I wished I was stronger
I wished I loved Jesus... The way my wife does
I wish it had been easier
Instead of any longer
I wished I could have stood, where you would have been proud
But that won't happen now... That won't happen now
There's a whole lot of singing that's never gonna be heard, Disappearing everyday without so much as a word somehow, Think I broke the wings off that little song bird, She's never gonna fly to the top of the world right now, Top of the world
I don't have to answer any of these questions
Don't have no God to teach me no lessons
I come home in the evening... Sit in my chair
One night they called me for supper
But I never got up
I stayed right there, in my chair
There's a whole lot of singing that's never gonna be heard, Disappearing everyday without so much as a word, somehow, Think I broke the wings off that little song bird, She's never gonna fly to the top of the world right now...
I wished I'd a known you
Wished I'd a shown you
All of the things, I was on the inside...
I'd pretend to be sleeping, When you come in in the morning
To whisper good-bye, Go to work in the rain, I don't know why, Don't know why
'Cause everyone's singing, We just wanna be heard, Disappearing everyday without so much as a word, somehow...
Wanna grab a hold of that little song bird
Take her for a ride to the top of the world right now
Whoa, Whoa
To the top of the world"
Weak End. weakend. weekend. whatever. Its friday. Saving grace of today, Clone Wars and BSG tonight. Thats pretty much it. Coraline comes out tonight... Pink Panther 2 comes out tonight... Couple other movies out right now already that I want to see. No one to see them with, though.
Jadens leaving after work to go to the QC for the third weekend in a row. *shrugs* Suppose its only right she spend time with the future in-laws. Where does it leave me, though? With another weekend alone. Old friend started texting me again the other day... More like old aquaintance, really... but... She's pleasant enough to be around... And I need the company. Neway... She started texting me again the other day... but she already had plans on her day off this week, and she's going to... guess where? The QC this weekend to see her dad. Irony much? heh...
Well, I texted an old friend of mine from the highschool days today too. He was always a decent guy... tho i think college has brought out a bit of a wild streak in him. Spelled out the situation i'm in to him, with the whole breakup and needing to get back into society somehow. Hoping he'll understand and maybe offer to help me out, maybe he and i can hang out a little bit, maybe i can meet some of his peeps and sort of test the waters out there in the social scene again?
We'll see... He hasn't responded since i spelled it all out, hopefully he will though.
*small sigh* its only 3 days this time, Jaden will be back on monday and hopefully we'll get a chance or two to hang out next week. But, After that, the seventeen days will be starting, so maybe this will just be a warm up for that? we'll see i guess...
"I've lied, to you, The same way that I always do
This is, the last smile, that I'll fake for the sake of being with you...
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see, you're testing me, pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see, you're testing me, pushes me away
I've tried, like you, To do everything you wanted too...
This is, the last time, I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see, your testing me, pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see, your testing me, pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see, your testing me, pushes me away...
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see, your testing me, pushes me away...
Pushes me away..."
Never knowing why.
Randomizers killing me today.
Think i'm going to be done here for awhile. Finish out work and see how the evening goes. Maybe i'll be back... i dunno.
I wished I was stronger
I wished I loved Jesus... The way my wife does
I wish it had been easier
Instead of any longer
I wished I could have stood, where you would have been proud
But that won't happen now... That won't happen now
There's a whole lot of singing that's never gonna be heard, Disappearing everyday without so much as a word somehow, Think I broke the wings off that little song bird, She's never gonna fly to the top of the world right now, Top of the world
I don't have to answer any of these questions
Don't have no God to teach me no lessons
I come home in the evening... Sit in my chair
One night they called me for supper
But I never got up
I stayed right there, in my chair
There's a whole lot of singing that's never gonna be heard, Disappearing everyday without so much as a word, somehow, Think I broke the wings off that little song bird, She's never gonna fly to the top of the world right now...
I wished I'd a known you
Wished I'd a shown you
All of the things, I was on the inside...
I'd pretend to be sleeping, When you come in in the morning
To whisper good-bye, Go to work in the rain, I don't know why, Don't know why
'Cause everyone's singing, We just wanna be heard, Disappearing everyday without so much as a word, somehow...
Wanna grab a hold of that little song bird
Take her for a ride to the top of the world right now
Whoa, Whoa
To the top of the world"
Weak End. weakend. weekend. whatever. Its friday. Saving grace of today, Clone Wars and BSG tonight. Thats pretty much it. Coraline comes out tonight... Pink Panther 2 comes out tonight... Couple other movies out right now already that I want to see. No one to see them with, though.
Jadens leaving after work to go to the QC for the third weekend in a row. *shrugs* Suppose its only right she spend time with the future in-laws. Where does it leave me, though? With another weekend alone. Old friend started texting me again the other day... More like old aquaintance, really... but... She's pleasant enough to be around... And I need the company. Neway... She started texting me again the other day... but she already had plans on her day off this week, and she's going to... guess where? The QC this weekend to see her dad. Irony much? heh...
Well, I texted an old friend of mine from the highschool days today too. He was always a decent guy... tho i think college has brought out a bit of a wild streak in him. Spelled out the situation i'm in to him, with the whole breakup and needing to get back into society somehow. Hoping he'll understand and maybe offer to help me out, maybe he and i can hang out a little bit, maybe i can meet some of his peeps and sort of test the waters out there in the social scene again?
We'll see... He hasn't responded since i spelled it all out, hopefully he will though.
*small sigh* its only 3 days this time, Jaden will be back on monday and hopefully we'll get a chance or two to hang out next week. But, After that, the seventeen days will be starting, so maybe this will just be a warm up for that? we'll see i guess...
"I've lied, to you, The same way that I always do
This is, the last smile, that I'll fake for the sake of being with you...
(Everything falls apart
Even the people who never frown
Eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie...(Everything has to end
You'll soon find we're out of time left
To watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing...Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see, you're testing me, pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see, you're testing me, pushes me away
I've tried, like you, To do everything you wanted too...
This is, the last time, I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you
(Everything falls apart
Even the people who never frown
Eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie...(Everything has to end
You'll soon find we're out of time left
To watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing...Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see, your testing me, pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see, your testing me, pushes me away
(We're all out of time
This is how we find how it all unwinds)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie...(We're all out of time
This is how we find how it all unwinds)
The sacrifice is never knowing...Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see, your testing me, pushes me away...
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see, your testing me, pushes me away...
Pushes me away..."
Never knowing why.
Randomizers killing me today.
Think i'm going to be done here for awhile. Finish out work and see how the evening goes. Maybe i'll be back... i dunno.
5.2.09
05 - A Day With Two Hats
Heh, Today would have marked a 7th anniversary between myself and my first long-term relationship, and first and only ever fiance. Things didn't work out with her, though and we ended up breaking up while i was in college. After a few rough years we've reconciled and have at least rebuilt a friendship between each other. which is nice. She's married now and has a darling baby daughter. Its nice to see her happy.
Today also marks one year since my first blog entry carrying subject matter of Jaden and I, being together. Feb 05 of 2008 was when I finally got around to blogging about how much happier I was with life and how much of a better place i was in, now that I had Jaden in my life.
Now, one year later, I daresay i'm right back where I was when I started this blog. The exception being at least Jaden and I are still friends. And it would seem, that the streak continues, and yet again i'll be spending another Vday, and Bday, without a significant other, this time because i don't have one, but the last few years its been because of long distances...
yay.
I'm not doing well today. I have to admit. Yesterday evening consisted of 3 not the most fun conversations between Mom, Desi, and Jaden. Mom with the ussual gambit of 'get a career' 'get a nice girl' 'bad stuff about ginger' 'bad stuff about jaden' 'bad stuff about the gf before ginger' 'bad stuff abotu sis' 'bad stuff about dad' 'more misc bad stuff'... Desi being indifferent and supplying one word answers and just overall acting like she wants nothing to do with me... and Jaden, Jaden... feeling like crap because she read my blog and decided that she was being a crappy friend to me...
Top it all off with this messed up back i've been having, and the continuous downward slope that is the time coming closer and closer to Jaden and Ace getting married... mix in a bit of me not doing so well living on my own, and a bit of me feeling sorry for myself, and a bit of a case of what ifs and painful memories...
and stir it up and back it right and it turns in to one sad sort of cake. :(
More to come, I'm blanking out on the thought process right now.
Today also marks one year since my first blog entry carrying subject matter of Jaden and I, being together. Feb 05 of 2008 was when I finally got around to blogging about how much happier I was with life and how much of a better place i was in, now that I had Jaden in my life.
Now, one year later, I daresay i'm right back where I was when I started this blog. The exception being at least Jaden and I are still friends. And it would seem, that the streak continues, and yet again i'll be spending another Vday, and Bday, without a significant other, this time because i don't have one, but the last few years its been because of long distances...
yay.
I'm not doing well today. I have to admit. Yesterday evening consisted of 3 not the most fun conversations between Mom, Desi, and Jaden. Mom with the ussual gambit of 'get a career' 'get a nice girl' 'bad stuff about ginger' 'bad stuff about jaden' 'bad stuff about the gf before ginger' 'bad stuff abotu sis' 'bad stuff about dad' 'more misc bad stuff'... Desi being indifferent and supplying one word answers and just overall acting like she wants nothing to do with me... and Jaden, Jaden... feeling like crap because she read my blog and decided that she was being a crappy friend to me...
Top it all off with this messed up back i've been having, and the continuous downward slope that is the time coming closer and closer to Jaden and Ace getting married... mix in a bit of me not doing so well living on my own, and a bit of me feeling sorry for myself, and a bit of a case of what ifs and painful memories...
and stir it up and back it right and it turns in to one sad sort of cake. :(
More to come, I'm blanking out on the thought process right now.
4.2.09
04 - Bleak
Well, have to start somewhere. So, Got my answer from jaden about the end of the month, 'pre-deployment leave' style...
Feb 20 to Mar 08... Seventeen days... Three weekends... A long fucking time, to put it bluntly. And, you know, great for them. Thats an amazing amount of time for the US Government to grant a fighting man to go home and see his family. His family. Sometime during those Seventeen days and three weekends, She's going to make herself part of His Family. They're going to be able to just live in their own little world, for Seventeen days and Three Weekends... Completely oblivious to the misery the rest of us live with daily. Safe and snuggled in their fabricated utopia. But, Great for them.
Rubbish, for me. Seventeen days and Three weekends of little to no contact. Seventeen days and Three weekends of silence at home, as I know somewhere not too far away, they're together, and they're happy, and they're getting married and planning their future and enjoying their lives. Seventeen days and three weekends of me realizing he's walking away with what once belonged to me.
Seventeen days and Three weekends is a long, long time. And its going to be misreble. Completely and Totally miserable. Call that self fulfilling prophecy if you want, but its the gosh darn truth, and you know it.
So, sitting in the living room of the hosue she's staying in right now, last night... reminded oh so much more that this is really happening and its not just some bad dream. Seeeing her budgeting for expenses:wedding... seeing the envelope the rings she bought came in... Its all forcably showing me the bitter truth. That she really .is. going to marry him in a few weeks.
Least i read in her blog today that she feels like she's 'practically bailing on her bfff'. 'Course i feel a bit differently about that, leaning much more towards 'definately' bailing on me, but... practically at least means she sees it... Whetehr she understands truly how it feels, and how it affects me, and what its like to be in my shoes... thats probably a different story. But seeing her acknowledge the fact that she feels like its what she's doing... Well, its a step. I suppose. Its not going to change the Seventeen days and Three weekends, and it doesn't make me feel any better about the situation i still find myself in... But its at the least good to know she isn't ignoring that unpleasant fact.
I had the most morbidly unpleasant thought cross my mind last night... As i was laying on the couch getting ready to start my evening... I realized with a bit of an ironic smirk... that the motorcycle i've fought with my mom to keep storing for Jaden in our garage, while done out of friendship and general kindness in the first place, there always was at the beginning that sense of making sure there was one more reason she'd not just pick up and leave completely, too... well, that motorcycle, sitting in moms garage... means even if i .did. finally convince myself that i could entertain the notion of bleeding myself out on my benchmade, Its not even an option. Not with mom in possession of Jadens bike, i need to be around to make sure she gets it back safely and in one piece from my mom.
How morbidly rediculous is that? Because my mom is storying my ex gf's bike... I can't even in good concious bleed myself out on my own benchmade?
wicked.
Not sure what else to really say at this point. Felt like when i started i had another thing or two i wanted to delve into... but, now not so much... Maybe later, I suppose. Theres always later.
Feb 20 to Mar 08... Seventeen days... Three weekends... A long fucking time, to put it bluntly. And, you know, great for them. Thats an amazing amount of time for the US Government to grant a fighting man to go home and see his family. His family. Sometime during those Seventeen days and three weekends, She's going to make herself part of His Family. They're going to be able to just live in their own little world, for Seventeen days and Three Weekends... Completely oblivious to the misery the rest of us live with daily. Safe and snuggled in their fabricated utopia. But, Great for them.
Rubbish, for me. Seventeen days and Three weekends of little to no contact. Seventeen days and Three weekends of silence at home, as I know somewhere not too far away, they're together, and they're happy, and they're getting married and planning their future and enjoying their lives. Seventeen days and three weekends of me realizing he's walking away with what once belonged to me.
Seventeen days and Three weekends is a long, long time. And its going to be misreble. Completely and Totally miserable. Call that self fulfilling prophecy if you want, but its the gosh darn truth, and you know it.
So, sitting in the living room of the hosue she's staying in right now, last night... reminded oh so much more that this is really happening and its not just some bad dream. Seeeing her budgeting for expenses:wedding... seeing the envelope the rings she bought came in... Its all forcably showing me the bitter truth. That she really .is. going to marry him in a few weeks.
Least i read in her blog today that she feels like she's 'practically bailing on her bfff'. 'Course i feel a bit differently about that, leaning much more towards 'definately' bailing on me, but... practically at least means she sees it... Whetehr she understands truly how it feels, and how it affects me, and what its like to be in my shoes... thats probably a different story. But seeing her acknowledge the fact that she feels like its what she's doing... Well, its a step. I suppose. Its not going to change the Seventeen days and Three weekends, and it doesn't make me feel any better about the situation i still find myself in... But its at the least good to know she isn't ignoring that unpleasant fact.
I had the most morbidly unpleasant thought cross my mind last night... As i was laying on the couch getting ready to start my evening... I realized with a bit of an ironic smirk... that the motorcycle i've fought with my mom to keep storing for Jaden in our garage, while done out of friendship and general kindness in the first place, there always was at the beginning that sense of making sure there was one more reason she'd not just pick up and leave completely, too... well, that motorcycle, sitting in moms garage... means even if i .did. finally convince myself that i could entertain the notion of bleeding myself out on my benchmade, Its not even an option. Not with mom in possession of Jadens bike, i need to be around to make sure she gets it back safely and in one piece from my mom.
How morbidly rediculous is that? Because my mom is storying my ex gf's bike... I can't even in good concious bleed myself out on my own benchmade?
wicked.
Not sure what else to really say at this point. Felt like when i started i had another thing or two i wanted to delve into... but, now not so much... Maybe later, I suppose. Theres always later.
3.2.09
03 - Once Was|Not Again
As The twisting yarns of fate continue to weave and at the same time unravel all around me as I move forward with my life... Its impossible for memories of a time lost to stay hidden beneath the veil of the present.
These flashbacks of what once was, more frequent with each passing week and month, fill me with the most bittersweet feelings one can ever hold. It seems a constant mirror is placed next to me. And with a single glance to my side, I see Feb 3rd of 08, suspended there next to me as I struggle my way through Feb 3rd of 09.
Last month plus the next three... So many things changed, molded, evolved, and developed... So many feelings grew, were realized, were no longer ignored, or were put to rest... Last spring... Nothing was ever, .wrong. .
Every month, every week, every day, every conversation... And we told ourselves, while we trusted each other to assume the same, we told ourselves how right we were, for each other. How much better off we were, now that we were together... And how bright our future was yet to be.
It was this span of 4 months, last year, that plunged us into love. Into great, overpowering love for one another. I hope you can look back and remember like I can... And still feel the warmth from those memories... bittersweet and painful as they may be.
Because I know how much you meant to me, and I know how much I meant to you then, too.
I hope you can still remember that, and enjoy those memories for what they are.
I still see the words you wrote about me, during those times, when my eyes close during the day. The sentiments, the pledges, the promises... The words won't ever truly be forgotten, nor will the memory of how it made me feel to read them.
You loved me... And I loved you. Why we never got around to telling each other that, I'll never really know. Were you waiting for me? Was I waiting for you? What was it? We both knew it. We both .showed. it... Why didn't it ever get said?
One more regret to add to a long list, I suppose. I can't afford to get caught up in 'what ifs' now adays... But, Sometimes its impossible to avoid. What if I would've said it... when i really wanted to? That night in the Windy City... when i just couldn't quite find the air in my lungs, as you stole my breath away. Would things have turned out differently, then?
I was better. You wrote as much. Better than any other boy... The perfect Boy... you wrote... I did the right things, said the right things, didn't do and didn't say the wrong things... I .understood. you, I .got to. you on every level... And you .wanted. to be with me.
And now I have to live my life wondering, far too frequently for my liking, what if this, and what if that. And Why. Always Why. Why did things ever change. I was set up to conquer the world, w you by my side. Together nothing was going to topple us.
But in the end, It was that Ghost of a Boy, the one you stopped having to think about not thinking about... That came back to life, became corporeal once again, and somehow stole you away fromm my warm, loving arms.
And now its that Ghost of a Boy... Whose wanting me out of your life, for good. Taking your love away wasn't enough... Apparently.
I'll hang on to these memories. Painfully bittersweet as they may be. Because they tell the happy tale of great friends, who found something new within themselves, that brought them together and I know it was magical. I know it was pure and I know it was right. And I'll hang on to that.
I'll carry those feelings with me, he can't have them. Those feelings, those memories, that knowledge that you loved me... all of that .belongs. to me. Belongs to .my. heart.
And I'll keep it safe. Because we loved each other, and we took that chance, and we went on that journey. You may have left before we found what we were looking for... But I know its still out there, And I'll keep safe those feelings and those memories, and these words and I'll keep them safe like a treasure map.
Our Treasure map. And I'll keep that map safe, just in case, someday you decide that that treasure we set off to find is worth another quest. Just like that Knight in shining armor and his fair Maiden, who met and formed that magical bond so many years ago. Their quest shall lay unfinished, but gaurded deep within my heart... Just in case.
These flashbacks of what once was, more frequent with each passing week and month, fill me with the most bittersweet feelings one can ever hold. It seems a constant mirror is placed next to me. And with a single glance to my side, I see Feb 3rd of 08, suspended there next to me as I struggle my way through Feb 3rd of 09.
Last month plus the next three... So many things changed, molded, evolved, and developed... So many feelings grew, were realized, were no longer ignored, or were put to rest... Last spring... Nothing was ever, .wrong. .
Every month, every week, every day, every conversation... And we told ourselves, while we trusted each other to assume the same, we told ourselves how right we were, for each other. How much better off we were, now that we were together... And how bright our future was yet to be.
It was this span of 4 months, last year, that plunged us into love. Into great, overpowering love for one another. I hope you can look back and remember like I can... And still feel the warmth from those memories... bittersweet and painful as they may be.
Because I know how much you meant to me, and I know how much I meant to you then, too.
I hope you can still remember that, and enjoy those memories for what they are.
I still see the words you wrote about me, during those times, when my eyes close during the day. The sentiments, the pledges, the promises... The words won't ever truly be forgotten, nor will the memory of how it made me feel to read them.
You loved me... And I loved you. Why we never got around to telling each other that, I'll never really know. Were you waiting for me? Was I waiting for you? What was it? We both knew it. We both .showed. it... Why didn't it ever get said?
One more regret to add to a long list, I suppose. I can't afford to get caught up in 'what ifs' now adays... But, Sometimes its impossible to avoid. What if I would've said it... when i really wanted to? That night in the Windy City... when i just couldn't quite find the air in my lungs, as you stole my breath away. Would things have turned out differently, then?
I was better. You wrote as much. Better than any other boy... The perfect Boy... you wrote... I did the right things, said the right things, didn't do and didn't say the wrong things... I .understood. you, I .got to. you on every level... And you .wanted. to be with me.
And now I have to live my life wondering, far too frequently for my liking, what if this, and what if that. And Why. Always Why. Why did things ever change. I was set up to conquer the world, w you by my side. Together nothing was going to topple us.
But in the end, It was that Ghost of a Boy, the one you stopped having to think about not thinking about... That came back to life, became corporeal once again, and somehow stole you away fromm my warm, loving arms.
And now its that Ghost of a Boy... Whose wanting me out of your life, for good. Taking your love away wasn't enough... Apparently.
I'll hang on to these memories. Painfully bittersweet as they may be. Because they tell the happy tale of great friends, who found something new within themselves, that brought them together and I know it was magical. I know it was pure and I know it was right. And I'll hang on to that.
I'll carry those feelings with me, he can't have them. Those feelings, those memories, that knowledge that you loved me... all of that .belongs. to me. Belongs to .my. heart.
And I'll keep it safe. Because we loved each other, and we took that chance, and we went on that journey. You may have left before we found what we were looking for... But I know its still out there, And I'll keep safe those feelings and those memories, and these words and I'll keep them safe like a treasure map.
Our Treasure map. And I'll keep that map safe, just in case, someday you decide that that treasure we set off to find is worth another quest. Just like that Knight in shining armor and his fair Maiden, who met and formed that magical bond so many years ago. Their quest shall lay unfinished, but gaurded deep within my heart... Just in case.
2.2.09
[ ] - Time out?
Can I get a breather, Please?
Looking back on the last three years of my life, i've suddenly realized Fate has had me on the ropes for a very long, very painful time.
Ever since my mom filed for divorce and the police came to take dad away from the house, nothings gone right for me. Nothings ended well. Lost my dream car in order to help get dad back on his feet... Got Deployed... As my family slowly disintegrated, I didn't even realize my relationship with Ginger was doing the same thing. She gave me the boot as soon as I came home from the deployment, leaving me for someone else in our unit. Then fate tempts me with this vision of Jaden and this great friend that could become so much more... Somehow the stars seem to align and she and Ace part ways to give us our chance at giving things a solid go... But, true to form Fate steps back in 10 lovely months later, stripping her back from me and then summarily giving her back to Ace. And now... Now as i'm finally recovering from that blow and finally adjusting to having Jaden back in my life as a friend... Fates come and delivered one more sucker punch from somewhere behind me, and trying to take even that away from me.
She's out looking for apartments with her new rommmate... she calls her dixie duck... Because the house she and Dixie Duck live in now is occupied also by DD's controlling asshole of a man. And Dixie Duck wants out of the relationship and out of the house. And since finding out that Jaden and I broke up, DD's been working every possible angle to get Jaden to move out of our apt and move into the house in hopes of inproving things for her. Now DD wants to be out of the house by the end of the week. Wants to go out, find an apt and move in this week. Leaving that house and that man while he's off driving truck... Just like his past 3 women have done to him before her.
I spent weeks before Jaden left warning her about DD and the man, and the potentially dangerous situation that exists there and the danger she might be in if she got involved. Well, now i'm doubly worried. because now she is involved. And now she's planning on moving out of that house and heading to this new apt... Where the lord only knows if this mans gonna track down DD and who knows how he's going to handle her just up and leaving like this... I'm genuinely scared and worried about Jadens safety...
And just on cue, now this thing with Ace not wanting her to talk with me anymroe comes up.. So i'm on the verge of possibly losing communication with her, just as all of this is about to go down... And in less than 3 weeks, Ace is going to get his 'pre-deployment' leave, and she'll be dissapearing i'm sure for the duration of that. I haven't worked up the gusto to ask her yet but i certainly wouldn't put it past them to think that she's taken that time off of work completely so they can take care of their... 'marriage stuff' and who knows what else they could have planed for that time... Maybe that road trip that she and I had talked so fondly about taking, that i overheard her talking to him about a week or so ago.... idk...
*slow shake of my head*
I dunno. Guess this is just it, huh?
I mean... losing Jaden out of my life completely... Not alot left over roudn here anymore for me. Stuff with sis and mom are on the rocks and I'm really nto feeling much a part of the family anymore... Whats left to keep me around? Not much, honestly. I don't really have much else in the way of friends or support. Desi doesn't answer my messages, and I don't know when or if she'll be in contact with me... Nut-Meg treis to help out, but she has her own life to work at, not her responsibility to hold mine together too. Ginger's boyfriends to insecure about her past with me to let us talk (sound familiar?) All my old friends were Gingers friends... and they all seem to have moved on with her and casted me to the wayside.
*another head shake with a sigh*
I'm done with this for today. At least until tonight, for sure. Its time to finish out this wonderful monday of work and do my best to make it through until tomorrow.
Out.
Looking back on the last three years of my life, i've suddenly realized Fate has had me on the ropes for a very long, very painful time.
Ever since my mom filed for divorce and the police came to take dad away from the house, nothings gone right for me. Nothings ended well. Lost my dream car in order to help get dad back on his feet... Got Deployed... As my family slowly disintegrated, I didn't even realize my relationship with Ginger was doing the same thing. She gave me the boot as soon as I came home from the deployment, leaving me for someone else in our unit. Then fate tempts me with this vision of Jaden and this great friend that could become so much more... Somehow the stars seem to align and she and Ace part ways to give us our chance at giving things a solid go... But, true to form Fate steps back in 10 lovely months later, stripping her back from me and then summarily giving her back to Ace. And now... Now as i'm finally recovering from that blow and finally adjusting to having Jaden back in my life as a friend... Fates come and delivered one more sucker punch from somewhere behind me, and trying to take even that away from me.
She's out looking for apartments with her new rommmate... she calls her dixie duck... Because the house she and Dixie Duck live in now is occupied also by DD's controlling asshole of a man. And Dixie Duck wants out of the relationship and out of the house. And since finding out that Jaden and I broke up, DD's been working every possible angle to get Jaden to move out of our apt and move into the house in hopes of inproving things for her. Now DD wants to be out of the house by the end of the week. Wants to go out, find an apt and move in this week. Leaving that house and that man while he's off driving truck... Just like his past 3 women have done to him before her.
I spent weeks before Jaden left warning her about DD and the man, and the potentially dangerous situation that exists there and the danger she might be in if she got involved. Well, now i'm doubly worried. because now she is involved. And now she's planning on moving out of that house and heading to this new apt... Where the lord only knows if this mans gonna track down DD and who knows how he's going to handle her just up and leaving like this... I'm genuinely scared and worried about Jadens safety...
And just on cue, now this thing with Ace not wanting her to talk with me anymroe comes up.. So i'm on the verge of possibly losing communication with her, just as all of this is about to go down... And in less than 3 weeks, Ace is going to get his 'pre-deployment' leave, and she'll be dissapearing i'm sure for the duration of that. I haven't worked up the gusto to ask her yet but i certainly wouldn't put it past them to think that she's taken that time off of work completely so they can take care of their... 'marriage stuff' and who knows what else they could have planed for that time... Maybe that road trip that she and I had talked so fondly about taking, that i overheard her talking to him about a week or so ago.... idk...
*slow shake of my head*
I dunno. Guess this is just it, huh?
I mean... losing Jaden out of my life completely... Not alot left over roudn here anymore for me. Stuff with sis and mom are on the rocks and I'm really nto feeling much a part of the family anymore... Whats left to keep me around? Not much, honestly. I don't really have much else in the way of friends or support. Desi doesn't answer my messages, and I don't know when or if she'll be in contact with me... Nut-Meg treis to help out, but she has her own life to work at, not her responsibility to hold mine together too. Ginger's boyfriends to insecure about her past with me to let us talk (sound familiar?) All my old friends were Gingers friends... and they all seem to have moved on with her and casted me to the wayside.
*another head shake with a sigh*
I'm done with this for today. At least until tonight, for sure. Its time to finish out this wonderful monday of work and do my best to make it through until tomorrow.
Out.
02 - The Wave Off
Hey all... Nother lapse, I know. My bad.
Superbowl last night... Yay.
Start from the top, huh?
Jaden was supposed to be coming back from the QC in the early afternoon so that we could shop/cook/set up for the Super bowl... She was supposed to be leaving round noon and getting to teh apt round 2... Well, that didn't happen.
Hanging out with Aces family and shopping for wedding stuff seemed to take the priority. Found out just before 2 oclock that she was still shopping. Some texts and a decent amount of time later... she was finally on her way home, but she didn't get to the apt until after kickoff... some 3 and a half hours later than the plan had outlined...
I was pretty upset... for those three hours, at least. Once she was there and we started doing dinner and watching the game, most of that upsetness melted away, like it ussually seems to whenever something comes up that upsets me with her.
I'm still put off a bti, and still a lil hurt... Not so much about not being as important as they were... but more-so at the cassual way that she conducted that fact. I feel like she wasn't really all that worried or upset about the fact that she had let down her side of the plan, and that she'd left me hanging for the afternoon... but, whatever. Thats not even the bad stuff.
About half-way through the third quarter of the game, Ace called. She took the call and they talked for a bit... then something came up that she needed to leave the room to continue to talk to him about.
I couldn't even watch the game, anymore at that point, i was too upset. So i got up, got dressed, grabbed the trash, took it out to the dumpster and then went for a drive. I had planned on staying out until she finished the convo and asked me to come back... but as i was out driving around i realized/decided that i shouldnt' have to miss the superbowl, because of him. So, i came home, they were still talking, and I finished watchign the game... Then, hit the music and started reading...
She came back out to the living room a lil later, i stopped reading, and we sat there for a little bit. I asked if she wanted to talk, and she said, eventually. So i turned the music back on but lowered the volume and waited...
Then we talked.
Ace finally did it. Finally went across that line, and 'asked' her to stop talking to me completely.
So... Thats it. WTF, right?
Just one more thing that i've anticipated/predicted that i really wish hadn't come true.
So now what?
She's marrying the guy this month. And he wants me out of her life. Says he's afraid i'm going to 'try' something. Well, by god, I wish i knew what it was he thinks i could try that would be such a threat to him. Because i've pretty much tried anything and everything under the sun that first month and a half after the breakup before they 'officially' got together again, to no avail. Idk how retarded he thinks I am, but she's left him for me once before, and that didn't turn out so well for me, did it? So why would I even think it would turn out any different this time around?
So... Now what? He wants me out. He's not going to change his mind about it. She already feels guilty about his feelings, because of past situations and actions that he points towards for his reasoning for worrying about her and me... So she's already bought into his opinoin/false logic about the whole thing... And shes wanting to spend the rest of her life with him.
Pretty long odds for the good friend turned ex-bf-turned bfff... Why on earth would she choose me over what she has with him? Especially given the circumstances... If i was that important and meant that much to her and her life, she woulnd't have left me for him in the first place and we'd still be together...
So... Now what?
Life without Jaden... What the ehck am I gonna do then? I don't really know. She'll be fine. She'll have him. And she'll find more friends. Just another two reasons why she should pick him and boot me.
Pretty ironic that i just wrote about my fear of this possibility a pair of blogs ago.
Now its here.
She said this morning she thinks she's still in shock... That she hasn't really accepted or realized just how serious the situation is. I wish I could say the same. I wish I wasn't constantly thinking about how this fiery crash is going to end.
When she and I first got together... she'd praised teh fact that i wasn't as controlling as he was with her. That I let her do her own thing and didn't hassel or bother her about her guy friends or personal choices and activities... looks to me like he hasn't really changed a whole lot since then. The solution shouldn't be in necesitating a cut of contact between me and her... It shoudl be in him expressing hsi concern, and her expressing to him the lack of a need for concern. He should be able to love and trust her and her judgement, and learn to control his reactions thoughts and behaviors when it comes to things like that...
I'm not sure what else to say at this point. I feel pretty numb inside right now. The thought of her breaking off comunication with me to appease him is not a fun one to think. And the thought of me having to break off comunication with her because i feel its the right thing to do to not get in the way of her and him is an even harder and much more not fun one to think... And the thought of going on with my life without having her as a friend and confidont is the most not fun and hardest of thoughts to think.
So once again, i've run into yet another obstacle/road block in life where a change is about to be forced upon me that i have no control over, and that i didn't instigate or cause, and i feel i certainly don't deserve. And yet again the tentative future of my life and happiness is once again in someone elses control and hands...
So, I guess i'll just sit her and wait. Sit here and wait and see what becomes of all of this. See where I end up when all the dust settles and see if i'm still intact on the other side.
Superbowl last night... Yay.
Start from the top, huh?
Jaden was supposed to be coming back from the QC in the early afternoon so that we could shop/cook/set up for the Super bowl... She was supposed to be leaving round noon and getting to teh apt round 2... Well, that didn't happen.
Hanging out with Aces family and shopping for wedding stuff seemed to take the priority. Found out just before 2 oclock that she was still shopping. Some texts and a decent amount of time later... she was finally on her way home, but she didn't get to the apt until after kickoff... some 3 and a half hours later than the plan had outlined...
I was pretty upset... for those three hours, at least. Once she was there and we started doing dinner and watching the game, most of that upsetness melted away, like it ussually seems to whenever something comes up that upsets me with her.
I'm still put off a bti, and still a lil hurt... Not so much about not being as important as they were... but more-so at the cassual way that she conducted that fact. I feel like she wasn't really all that worried or upset about the fact that she had let down her side of the plan, and that she'd left me hanging for the afternoon... but, whatever. Thats not even the bad stuff.
About half-way through the third quarter of the game, Ace called. She took the call and they talked for a bit... then something came up that she needed to leave the room to continue to talk to him about.
I couldn't even watch the game, anymore at that point, i was too upset. So i got up, got dressed, grabbed the trash, took it out to the dumpster and then went for a drive. I had planned on staying out until she finished the convo and asked me to come back... but as i was out driving around i realized/decided that i shouldnt' have to miss the superbowl, because of him. So, i came home, they were still talking, and I finished watchign the game... Then, hit the music and started reading...
She came back out to the living room a lil later, i stopped reading, and we sat there for a little bit. I asked if she wanted to talk, and she said, eventually. So i turned the music back on but lowered the volume and waited...
Then we talked.
Ace finally did it. Finally went across that line, and 'asked' her to stop talking to me completely.
So... Thats it. WTF, right?
Just one more thing that i've anticipated/predicted that i really wish hadn't come true.
So now what?
She's marrying the guy this month. And he wants me out of her life. Says he's afraid i'm going to 'try' something. Well, by god, I wish i knew what it was he thinks i could try that would be such a threat to him. Because i've pretty much tried anything and everything under the sun that first month and a half after the breakup before they 'officially' got together again, to no avail. Idk how retarded he thinks I am, but she's left him for me once before, and that didn't turn out so well for me, did it? So why would I even think it would turn out any different this time around?
So... Now what? He wants me out. He's not going to change his mind about it. She already feels guilty about his feelings, because of past situations and actions that he points towards for his reasoning for worrying about her and me... So she's already bought into his opinoin/false logic about the whole thing... And shes wanting to spend the rest of her life with him.
Pretty long odds for the good friend turned ex-bf-turned bfff... Why on earth would she choose me over what she has with him? Especially given the circumstances... If i was that important and meant that much to her and her life, she woulnd't have left me for him in the first place and we'd still be together...
So... Now what?
Life without Jaden... What the ehck am I gonna do then? I don't really know. She'll be fine. She'll have him. And she'll find more friends. Just another two reasons why she should pick him and boot me.
Pretty ironic that i just wrote about my fear of this possibility a pair of blogs ago.
Now its here.
She said this morning she thinks she's still in shock... That she hasn't really accepted or realized just how serious the situation is. I wish I could say the same. I wish I wasn't constantly thinking about how this fiery crash is going to end.
When she and I first got together... she'd praised teh fact that i wasn't as controlling as he was with her. That I let her do her own thing and didn't hassel or bother her about her guy friends or personal choices and activities... looks to me like he hasn't really changed a whole lot since then. The solution shouldn't be in necesitating a cut of contact between me and her... It shoudl be in him expressing hsi concern, and her expressing to him the lack of a need for concern. He should be able to love and trust her and her judgement, and learn to control his reactions thoughts and behaviors when it comes to things like that...
I'm not sure what else to say at this point. I feel pretty numb inside right now. The thought of her breaking off comunication with me to appease him is not a fun one to think. And the thought of me having to break off comunication with her because i feel its the right thing to do to not get in the way of her and him is an even harder and much more not fun one to think... And the thought of going on with my life without having her as a friend and confidont is the most not fun and hardest of thoughts to think.
So once again, i've run into yet another obstacle/road block in life where a change is about to be forced upon me that i have no control over, and that i didn't instigate or cause, and i feel i certainly don't deserve. And yet again the tentative future of my life and happiness is once again in someone elses control and hands...
So, I guess i'll just sit her and wait. Sit here and wait and see what becomes of all of this. See where I end up when all the dust settles and see if i'm still intact on the other side.
29.1.09
29 - Inky
Todays tat touchup day.
hooray.
Its a good thing. I'm very much tired of walking around with half a tattoo.
Today was just another thursday... For awhile.
Then i went to lunch. Then I got a phone call.
Desi. Desi called me. Heh, I wasn't expecting to hear from her... for a very long time. It was great to hear her voice again. She has the day off, and the house to herself. Stars aligned and the stage was set to actually have that talk i'd attempted a few weeks back.
Definately unexpected, definately confusing, and definately unlucky.
The only day in the whole month, practically, that i have .anything. going on that i can't blow off, and it would have to be today. This appt has been rescheduled 5 times over, over a span of 3 or 4 months, due to some complication or antoehr with the artist... And its bound to take too long for me to make the drive up there afterwards... And she probably has to work tomorrow so asking her to drive down heres out of the question...
But... when i offered a telephone call later tonight, she pretty much said no, don't bother... And... I don't get it... I know i'd much rather have the conversation face to face, as well... but not given the option, i'd rather make sure the conversation was had, than not at all.
But, given that, even... What conversation, is it? She reffered to it as 'that talk'. Kind of vague, given the circumstances. Which talk is it she wants to have? Is there still a hope for our friendship to survive this turmoil, or is this a need for more closure on her end, does she want to keep me in her life in some way shape or form, or is she deciding shes better off without me around?
Should i continue to hold my toungue and keep the silence? Or does this phone call mean its ok for me to attempt to talk w her some more? Does she still expect/want/need me to stay away and give her her space?
Too many questions, too many thoughts, and no answers to be found.
What I need to do is take a deep breath, calm down, and keep going about my day.
Got plenty of needle time tonight, i can continue to think about things then...
Maybe she'll have somethign to say about the text i sent her saying my weekends free... Maybe she won't. We'll have to wait and see.
heh. Dunno that i could have afforded to actually drive up there and back today, anyway, honestly. Tanks almost dry and i don't know that i've got much left in the stockpile at home to fill it back up. But i would have tried. For her, and for the talk, i would have tried and i would have found a way. You can be sure of that.
Now, though, back to work... back to the mail... And back to being alone.
hooray.
Its a good thing. I'm very much tired of walking around with half a tattoo.
Today was just another thursday... For awhile.
Then i went to lunch. Then I got a phone call.
Desi. Desi called me. Heh, I wasn't expecting to hear from her... for a very long time. It was great to hear her voice again. She has the day off, and the house to herself. Stars aligned and the stage was set to actually have that talk i'd attempted a few weeks back.
Definately unexpected, definately confusing, and definately unlucky.
The only day in the whole month, practically, that i have .anything. going on that i can't blow off, and it would have to be today. This appt has been rescheduled 5 times over, over a span of 3 or 4 months, due to some complication or antoehr with the artist... And its bound to take too long for me to make the drive up there afterwards... And she probably has to work tomorrow so asking her to drive down heres out of the question...
But... when i offered a telephone call later tonight, she pretty much said no, don't bother... And... I don't get it... I know i'd much rather have the conversation face to face, as well... but not given the option, i'd rather make sure the conversation was had, than not at all.
But, given that, even... What conversation, is it? She reffered to it as 'that talk'. Kind of vague, given the circumstances. Which talk is it she wants to have? Is there still a hope for our friendship to survive this turmoil, or is this a need for more closure on her end, does she want to keep me in her life in some way shape or form, or is she deciding shes better off without me around?
Should i continue to hold my toungue and keep the silence? Or does this phone call mean its ok for me to attempt to talk w her some more? Does she still expect/want/need me to stay away and give her her space?
Too many questions, too many thoughts, and no answers to be found.
What I need to do is take a deep breath, calm down, and keep going about my day.
Got plenty of needle time tonight, i can continue to think about things then...
Maybe she'll have somethign to say about the text i sent her saying my weekends free... Maybe she won't. We'll have to wait and see.
heh. Dunno that i could have afforded to actually drive up there and back today, anyway, honestly. Tanks almost dry and i don't know that i've got much left in the stockpile at home to fill it back up. But i would have tried. For her, and for the talk, i would have tried and i would have found a way. You can be sure of that.
Now, though, back to work... back to the mail... And back to being alone.
28.1.09
28 - Color Me Green
In a word... Envy.
How I envy you two, so.
As much as I wish i didn't or wouldn't, the simple truth is, I do.
I wish one... Just one, one single incident of mine, within the bounds of a relationship, wouldn't end up turning into a catastrophic skid ending in burning wreckage.
I wish I could experience a realm or a world where its somehow ok, to have such random spurts of mood swings, and mind changes, and doubts, and things that are said, things that are implied. Wish... Wish i could expereince a world where not finishing a conversation like that was ok, and I wish i could experience that confidence that i could say and do what i want, knowing that as long as i call back and say i didn't mean it, or that i was just freaking out, or that i've changed my mind... Wish i could know what its like for all of that to be ok.
Wish someone loved me enough, to overlook all the bad stuff i do and have done, to ignore whatever bad stuff i say or think or do, and to only ever see the good parts of me, and to only ever judge me by the positives, however abundant or not they may be. Wish that kind of life was possible, for me.
So, I envy you that. I truly, truly do. It must be really nice. To know no matter what, at the end of the day, things are going to work out for you. And to know, no matter what, that someones gonna be there on the otherside to offer up a warm smiling embrace and let you know that everythings gonna be alright.
Alright... so appologies to the readers for the lapse... Had some stuff going on/gotten kind of busy/haven't had the heart strings left over to play out a tune here, lately.
That being said, i owe an update, all the same.
Things are, almost decent, right now. On the verge of a turning point at work, as long as i can drum up some willpower, pick myself up by my bootstraps and drive on and do whats right... Home life... Well, slowly starting to adjust to the whole, single occupancy, thing... Which is a good thing overall... Slowly starting to figure out how to schedule the time, how to actually make a meal for one person, and how to fall asleep in a nearly empty bed.
All good things, relatively. drastically cut back on the soda, and drinking alot of tea, lately... which is hopefully good for me... Got some books i'm working at reading, it always helps pass the time, if nothing else.
Texted Desi over the weekend, just a short little thing, letting her know that i miss hearing from her. Hopefully it was innocent enough. Havne't gotten anything back, though. Not sure if i ever will. Def planning on sticking with the brithday message plan, though... If i have another moment like i did this weekend, though, i won't stop myself from sending a hey whats up, sort of thing. But i'm still respecting her need/request for space. as rough as it may be on me.
Things with Jaden are as smooth as they ussually are... The friendships still hanging in there. There are still plenty of times where things get tough, and where i feel like i'm tested emotionally... But, It really can't be helped. Some stuff just comes up and some stuff just happens, and you just have to accept it, deal with it, and move on from it.
The fact is that She's going to be marrying this kid in about a month or less. And I really don't know how thats going to affect me, once it happens. Sitting here talking about it and thinking about it is all well and good, but it hasn't happened yet. And therefore it may not happen, at all. But once it does happen, and i'm fairly certain its going to, itll be done. permanant. thats going to sting deeper than anything else has so far. And I just cna't know how i'm going to take it. And I just can't know how its going to affect our friendship.
Its just not possible to know or predict whats going to happen, after that. Sure, He's going to go on his deployment and we'll probably have the summer to continue hanging out, but i'm sure even that will end up changing, inevitably...
But once he gets back? Thats going to be her husband, where he goes, she's going to follow, and then i'm truly going to be alone. And i refuse to kid myself and think that he's ever going to be ok with her and I hanging out after that. And I refuse to kid myself and think that her continued friendship and contact with me isn't going to be a cause for friction and conflict for them and their relationship...
Its not being pessimistic, just accepting reality. Its how i lost another one of my close friends. Her boyfriend came home from training, and didn't like the fact that we were so close of friends, and next thing i know, we haven't spoken or written to each other for over 2 years now. A friendship literally vanished wo a trace.
I don't expect that w Jaden... Id imagine she'd fight it. drag it out, find ways to make it work... for awhile. But i stay away from that other friend, out of respect that i know it would cause her relationship problems if i didn't. And the same will end up being applied to Jaden. I won't be able to let myself let her put her relationship in jeopardy over our friendship, i have a hard enough time sleeping at night as it is.
Haven't heard much from sis or mom this week... So nothing really new to report there, and Jaden's mom hasn't called me since she and Jaden spoke this weekend...
Suppose thats about it, right now... Kinda vague on the details, i know... But, at this point, thats all i really want to open up w. I"m not ok enough inside myself right now to put too much out here to have to read it and actually acknowledge it.
Maybe later...
How I envy you two, so.
As much as I wish i didn't or wouldn't, the simple truth is, I do.
I wish one... Just one, one single incident of mine, within the bounds of a relationship, wouldn't end up turning into a catastrophic skid ending in burning wreckage.
I wish I could experience a realm or a world where its somehow ok, to have such random spurts of mood swings, and mind changes, and doubts, and things that are said, things that are implied. Wish... Wish i could expereince a world where not finishing a conversation like that was ok, and I wish i could experience that confidence that i could say and do what i want, knowing that as long as i call back and say i didn't mean it, or that i was just freaking out, or that i've changed my mind... Wish i could know what its like for all of that to be ok.
Wish someone loved me enough, to overlook all the bad stuff i do and have done, to ignore whatever bad stuff i say or think or do, and to only ever see the good parts of me, and to only ever judge me by the positives, however abundant or not they may be. Wish that kind of life was possible, for me.
So, I envy you that. I truly, truly do. It must be really nice. To know no matter what, at the end of the day, things are going to work out for you. And to know, no matter what, that someones gonna be there on the otherside to offer up a warm smiling embrace and let you know that everythings gonna be alright.
Alright... so appologies to the readers for the lapse... Had some stuff going on/gotten kind of busy/haven't had the heart strings left over to play out a tune here, lately.
That being said, i owe an update, all the same.
Things are, almost decent, right now. On the verge of a turning point at work, as long as i can drum up some willpower, pick myself up by my bootstraps and drive on and do whats right... Home life... Well, slowly starting to adjust to the whole, single occupancy, thing... Which is a good thing overall... Slowly starting to figure out how to schedule the time, how to actually make a meal for one person, and how to fall asleep in a nearly empty bed.
All good things, relatively. drastically cut back on the soda, and drinking alot of tea, lately... which is hopefully good for me... Got some books i'm working at reading, it always helps pass the time, if nothing else.
Texted Desi over the weekend, just a short little thing, letting her know that i miss hearing from her. Hopefully it was innocent enough. Havne't gotten anything back, though. Not sure if i ever will. Def planning on sticking with the brithday message plan, though... If i have another moment like i did this weekend, though, i won't stop myself from sending a hey whats up, sort of thing. But i'm still respecting her need/request for space. as rough as it may be on me.
Things with Jaden are as smooth as they ussually are... The friendships still hanging in there. There are still plenty of times where things get tough, and where i feel like i'm tested emotionally... But, It really can't be helped. Some stuff just comes up and some stuff just happens, and you just have to accept it, deal with it, and move on from it.
The fact is that She's going to be marrying this kid in about a month or less. And I really don't know how thats going to affect me, once it happens. Sitting here talking about it and thinking about it is all well and good, but it hasn't happened yet. And therefore it may not happen, at all. But once it does happen, and i'm fairly certain its going to, itll be done. permanant. thats going to sting deeper than anything else has so far. And I just cna't know how i'm going to take it. And I just can't know how its going to affect our friendship.
Its just not possible to know or predict whats going to happen, after that. Sure, He's going to go on his deployment and we'll probably have the summer to continue hanging out, but i'm sure even that will end up changing, inevitably...
But once he gets back? Thats going to be her husband, where he goes, she's going to follow, and then i'm truly going to be alone. And i refuse to kid myself and think that he's ever going to be ok with her and I hanging out after that. And I refuse to kid myself and think that her continued friendship and contact with me isn't going to be a cause for friction and conflict for them and their relationship...
Its not being pessimistic, just accepting reality. Its how i lost another one of my close friends. Her boyfriend came home from training, and didn't like the fact that we were so close of friends, and next thing i know, we haven't spoken or written to each other for over 2 years now. A friendship literally vanished wo a trace.
I don't expect that w Jaden... Id imagine she'd fight it. drag it out, find ways to make it work... for awhile. But i stay away from that other friend, out of respect that i know it would cause her relationship problems if i didn't. And the same will end up being applied to Jaden. I won't be able to let myself let her put her relationship in jeopardy over our friendship, i have a hard enough time sleeping at night as it is.
Haven't heard much from sis or mom this week... So nothing really new to report there, and Jaden's mom hasn't called me since she and Jaden spoke this weekend...
Suppose thats about it, right now... Kinda vague on the details, i know... But, at this point, thats all i really want to open up w. I"m not ok enough inside myself right now to put too much out here to have to read it and actually acknowledge it.
Maybe later...
23.1.09
23 - Falling Apart
Today started off excellent, and has since torpedoed into dastardly.
To add to my buffet of crisis, i'm now currently in a furious texting session w my dear little sister, who is at least done cursing at me and trying to hurt me and has at least calmed down to a semi-rational state of conversing where things can actually be discussed. but now i'm stuck in the middle of yet another train wreck of a situation. Its not enough to be in the middle of Jaden and Ace and in the middle of Jaden and her mum, and in the middle of Jadens mum and Jadens pop, Now i'm in the middle of Sis and her boy, and Sis and Mom, and Sis and myself, for that matter.
I was just very much not ready to be verbally assaulted by my lil sister. The only precious thing i have left in my life. The most important human being on the face of the earth, when it comes to me. The lil sister that i would bend over backwards to protect. And she's treating me like i'm the enemy. Like i'm mom.
Jaden's been uncharacteristically non-responsive vie the phone today. No idea if its work or something to do w me. But either way, this wasn't the right day for it to happen. I could very much use an outlet right bout now.. a human one at least, the blogs all well and good, but its not hte same as a friend who actually cares whats happening to you.
I have to go do this mail run now. Even though i don't want to. And then i've got to drive home to the apt, where i don't want to sit around alone. And then, well i don't know what else and then. Just a crappy crappy afternoon. f it all.
To add to my buffet of crisis, i'm now currently in a furious texting session w my dear little sister, who is at least done cursing at me and trying to hurt me and has at least calmed down to a semi-rational state of conversing where things can actually be discussed. but now i'm stuck in the middle of yet another train wreck of a situation. Its not enough to be in the middle of Jaden and Ace and in the middle of Jaden and her mum, and in the middle of Jadens mum and Jadens pop, Now i'm in the middle of Sis and her boy, and Sis and Mom, and Sis and myself, for that matter.
I was just very much not ready to be verbally assaulted by my lil sister. The only precious thing i have left in my life. The most important human being on the face of the earth, when it comes to me. The lil sister that i would bend over backwards to protect. And she's treating me like i'm the enemy. Like i'm mom.
Jaden's been uncharacteristically non-responsive vie the phone today. No idea if its work or something to do w me. But either way, this wasn't the right day for it to happen. I could very much use an outlet right bout now.. a human one at least, the blogs all well and good, but its not hte same as a friend who actually cares whats happening to you.
I have to go do this mail run now. Even though i don't want to. And then i've got to drive home to the apt, where i don't want to sit around alone. And then, well i don't know what else and then. Just a crappy crappy afternoon. f it all.
22.1.09
22 - Fordone
"Listen to the rain falling day by day
Listen to the rain falling day by day by day
Hey-
I hear you calling, voices are here again
I hear you whisper, taking control of me
Watch the dancing shadows run away
All alone once again, afraid
All these faces, changing their shapes on me
Isolated in my own world, will I ever be free?
Haunting figures around me, I want them to stay
There always there to protect me, this is one thing you can't take away
Listen to the rain falling day by day
Listen to the rain falling day by day by day... Yeah!
I hear you calling, voices are here again
I hear you whisper in my own mind, will it ever change?
Voices-Voices-Voices-Voices
I hear you calling"
I need to be delivering paper but i just needed to type for a minute or two. Emailed Jadens pops yesterday, on a whim really. But, i felt it was important. I wanted to make sure that he understood i never meant any wrong upon Jaden, and I wanted to make sure that he knew i was still her friend, and that i'd still be looking after her, so mcuh as Im able.
Unfortunate thing about that, is, it would seem Jadens mom got ahold of the email, in which i outliened the situation to jadens pops that jadens mom was calling and tlaking to me and asking me to not say anything to neone about it. heh. oops.
Not sure how that ones going to play out yet. Up until now she's liked me, and had no reason not to. Should be interesting to see how fast i fall from being the hero to being a loser just like the other boys Jadens been w in her eyes.
Well, after writing that emial to Jadens pops. Jaden and I had probably hte heaviest heart to heart we've had yet, albeit over IM, but... It was a doozy. Not easy stuff to talk about or to hear, by any means. But all very necessary. All very constructive in the end, even if the words themselves were a little destructive.
Paper... Got to go deliver this paper... Really don't want to. Jadens at the bridal shop w a coworkers wife, doing her apt thing there. After shes done w that i'll message her... see about some grocieries for our movie night dinner tonight. maybe a bottle of bubbly or something. i dunno.
Asked a girl out for a drink or dinner, the other day... don't think its gone so well. Though, i'm not sure how long is an adequate amount of time to wiat w no response before one should assume the answer is no. *small shrug* guess i'll find out, huh?
No word from Desi. Not since she hung up on me last week after telling me she should have never answered my thanksgiving text. Don't know yet if she's just taking her time to work things out, or if she's actually gone and deleted me... But, in the spirit and respect of giving her the space she told me she wants, i won't bother her about it. come the first of march i'll send her a birthday message, if i haven't heard from her before that. The ball will be in her court at that point, wether she wants to respond to it or not.
Paper. Should really go deliver that now.
Nother 2 hours or so efore movie ngith might be starting. got some time to work through these issues in my head that are playing w my mood. Set it back right so i can enjoy the evening. *nods*
21.1.09
[ ] - Echoes of Silenced Screams
Echoes of Silenced Screams reverberate inside my mind.
They talk of things i cannot do. They tell my things i cannot say.
They teach me things i cannot share.
Mistakes are made. It happens often, all the time, even. But mistakes can be fixed, can be righted, can be temporary, can be erased.
They don't have to be permenant.
I'm still standing. And I still stand by you. Still would lay down, for you. Still would sacrifice everything, for you. And I've never left, you. In my mind, in my world, thats supposed to mean something. Thats supposed to mean, everything.
Echoes of Silenced Screams are deafening, like blades shredding through my naked heart. And the bloodstained tears keep threatening to fall.
Because as amazing as I may be, I won't ever be him.
They talk of things i cannot do. They tell my things i cannot say.
They teach me things i cannot share.
Mistakes are made. It happens often, all the time, even. But mistakes can be fixed, can be righted, can be temporary, can be erased.
They don't have to be permenant.
I'm still standing. And I still stand by you. Still would lay down, for you. Still would sacrifice everything, for you. And I've never left, you. In my mind, in my world, thats supposed to mean something. Thats supposed to mean, everything.
Echoes of Silenced Screams are deafening, like blades shredding through my naked heart. And the bloodstained tears keep threatening to fall.
Because as amazing as I may be, I won't ever be him.
21 - Delusive
I close my eyes and all I see are memories of a time thats passed me by.
How do I feel normal, How do I feel whole, How do I feel... at all... After this?
I still don't know how I managed to sit there, and say the things I did. How did I? How did i find the strength to sit there and convince you that you should go ahead and marry him if u should so choose to?
But i did, didn't I?
Yes. Yes I did. I sat there, and held you as the tears flowed forth, and still couldn't find it in myself to play a single selfish card in my favor, couldn't find it in myself to interject or dissaprove or dissuade in the least.
And you tell me i'm amazing.
Well, maybe I am. But i guess that means amazing isn't good enough, and i guess it means it never has been, either.
You told me once, that ginger was crazy, to have turned away from me, to have let me go. As you held my hand on a sandy riverbed. That day echoes often inside of my head... and I wonder what happened, what went wrong, and whether or not you've gone crazy, too?
How do I feel normal, How do I feel whole, How do I feel... at all... After this?
I still don't know how I managed to sit there, and say the things I did. How did I? How did i find the strength to sit there and convince you that you should go ahead and marry him if u should so choose to?
But i did, didn't I?
Yes. Yes I did. I sat there, and held you as the tears flowed forth, and still couldn't find it in myself to play a single selfish card in my favor, couldn't find it in myself to interject or dissaprove or dissuade in the least.
And you tell me i'm amazing.
Well, maybe I am. But i guess that means amazing isn't good enough, and i guess it means it never has been, either.
You told me once, that ginger was crazy, to have turned away from me, to have let me go. As you held my hand on a sandy riverbed. That day echoes often inside of my head... and I wonder what happened, what went wrong, and whether or not you've gone crazy, too?
20.1.09
20 - Upisdown
If life could get any more mixed up or confusing or uncertain, i'd rather not know about it, right now.
Every day... Every hour of every day even, seems to throw a new curve or present a new challenge to me, lately.
So much up inside my head right now that I can't even process it all.
Between Desi cutting off communication w me, Jadens mom .contacting. me..., Jaden getting closer and closer to marrying Ace, Mom and her birthday and Sis and all the drama going on there, Still dealing w and getting used to the empty apt...
Its just all too much, really. I can't tackle it all at once. In reality, i'm not even sure i can tackle it all, period.
I'm still shaking almost two hours after the phone call w Jadens mom... Verbal sparring is ussually my strong suit... but ussually i'm prepared, ussually i know my steps, i know the facts, and i know my opponent. And i'm ussually lying for myself, or to get myself out of something... Not ussually lying for my ex gf, to her mother, about the boy she's leaving me for and trying to marry...
Another twenty minutes... Then I can start the final run... Then I can go home... Then i can slump down on the couch and let it all out... Because I can feel the tears ready to fall. I can feel the breakdown on the horizon.
Talking w Jadens mom forced me to pretty much relive the process by whcih Jaden fell out of love w me, and fell back in love w Ace. Not exactly the most fun of conversations. Not ecaxtly the place you want to be in, in life. Just want today to be over. Bring on tomorrow w a clean slate and try agaoin.... Just keep on trying ... someday.
Why couldn't you have loved me? Why couldn't we have been happy? Why couldn't you have given us the time we needed? Why? We would have made it. We would have been happy. We would have. Yet, you traded me in for the other model, the more exciting yet more unpredictable one. And now your under its spell, again. Wake up? Please? Wake up from this spell and see me and what i already do and will always bring to the table, and wake up and see that it would all work out fine?
Every day... Every hour of every day even, seems to throw a new curve or present a new challenge to me, lately.
So much up inside my head right now that I can't even process it all.
Between Desi cutting off communication w me, Jadens mom .contacting. me..., Jaden getting closer and closer to marrying Ace, Mom and her birthday and Sis and all the drama going on there, Still dealing w and getting used to the empty apt...
Its just all too much, really. I can't tackle it all at once. In reality, i'm not even sure i can tackle it all, period.
I'm still shaking almost two hours after the phone call w Jadens mom... Verbal sparring is ussually my strong suit... but ussually i'm prepared, ussually i know my steps, i know the facts, and i know my opponent. And i'm ussually lying for myself, or to get myself out of something... Not ussually lying for my ex gf, to her mother, about the boy she's leaving me for and trying to marry...
"I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do
It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do"
Another twenty minutes... Then I can start the final run... Then I can go home... Then i can slump down on the couch and let it all out... Because I can feel the tears ready to fall. I can feel the breakdown on the horizon.
Talking w Jadens mom forced me to pretty much relive the process by whcih Jaden fell out of love w me, and fell back in love w Ace. Not exactly the most fun of conversations. Not ecaxtly the place you want to be in, in life. Just want today to be over. Bring on tomorrow w a clean slate and try agaoin.... Just keep on trying ... someday.
Why couldn't you have loved me? Why couldn't we have been happy? Why couldn't you have given us the time we needed? Why? We would have made it. We would have been happy. We would have. Yet, you traded me in for the other model, the more exciting yet more unpredictable one. And now your under its spell, again. Wake up? Please? Wake up from this spell and see me and what i already do and will always bring to the table, and wake up and see that it would all work out fine?
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