23 - Another Year, eh

Sorry again for the lapse. well, sort of... Don't really have an excuse for it, just happened.

Its monday, Jaden gets married tomorrow. *small shrug* Hope she's doing alright and that her day goes as planned.

It still hurts that she's not marrying me. It still hurts that she's marrying Ace. And it still hurts that she's getting married and I can't be there.

heh. Despite the facts of what all has happened between us, she's still my best friend, and it just feels wrong to not be at your best friends wedding. Its such a big deal in her life, going to be such a huge memory for her, and I can't be there for it. Can't be there to tell her that despite the pain, I'm happy for her, and happy for them.

So, thats that, i suppose. Think she has to be back to work on Monday, Ace may or may not be coming up here with her. I'm of the opinion he will be, especially since she has her own place now. I have a hard time imagining anyone choosing to not spend every last second available with their new spouse before they have to leave.

*small sigh*

When next week comes, she may actually start acknowledging my presence again and texting/carrying out a conversation, or she might not. As it is, i don't expect much.

My birthdays next Tuesday. thinking mom or sis may call me this weekend to want to do something for it... but, other than that i've got no plans. Don't have anyone around to celebrate with. Jaden's the only friend i've got, and like i've stated above, i fully expect her to be with Ace.

Maybe I'll just have a party here in the apt by myself... maybe I could call Starlight, and talk to her.

Starlight.

I need to catch you all up on Starlight.

Star and I met via the same role-playing forum that I met Nut-meg and Desi.

We had a couple characters we were writing... the story was slowly bringing them together, but then she and another member of the forum got involved, and he didn't like the idea of our characters getting close, so we forced them in a different direction and kept on writing...

Star and the guy ended up splitting, and after a little while, she and I decided to start back where we had to change things, and re-write the stuff the way we'd originally intended for them to go. As our characters got closer, so did we, and it wasn't too long before we were forced to realize that it wasn't so much our characters interacting anymore, as it was us interacting through our characters...

This was something that we addressed, talked about, and eventually gave in to. And although the details of everything are still a little blurred by the intensity of everything, I think for awhile we were together.

I wasn't ready, though, i think. When i look back at it all, the point in life that i was at, I just didn't know myself, didn't know who i was, and though to this day i'm not clear on why or how it all happened, communication between us lapsed and then died.

Shortly thereafter i ended up enlisting in the army, and the next time i got access to the net, i shot her an email, but the reply i got back wasn't a happy one. Our friendship was over.

I still don't know why i accepted it as readily as I did. But i didn't fight it, didn't email her back to try to talk about it, didn't do anything.

Years went by, I dated Ginger, went on my deployment, My parents split up, Ginger dumped me, I got out on my own in the Apt, dated Jaden, Jaden dumped me. Got out of the security gaurd business, now i've got a decent paying job and full benifits, still on my own, but, more importantly, I've grown up.

Yes i'm still 3 years shy of Star, but i'm ages older mentally than I was when we'd first met.

Anyway, Star came back to the roleplaying forums recently, and, seeing her around and reading her posts but not being able to talk with her was unbearable. I messaged her, i had to. Couldn't not do it. After some back and forth, we decided to give friendship another go.

And we're writing together again, now. Its awesome. We text and we've talked on the phone, in fact she might be calling me tonight.

I'm trying to catch up with her here and there as we go along. Theres alot that i don't remember of her and her past... whether its stuff we talked about that i've forgotten, or stuff that just never got covered in the first place... but, i think we're working on it.

I don't know how to take some things, right now. Others i'm afraid of taking the way i want to. Things feel pretty close to the same as they've always been before. But, the facts say things are different, even if the feelings disagree... I'm trying daily to come to terms with those contradictions. Its tough. Especially without Jaden around to bounce stuff off of. She's always helped me think better outloud, when i can talk about stuff and hear it back in another voice.

Star lives out on the coast. 26 hours from here. Talk about long distance. And she's got a steady career and she has a lovely 8 year old daughter. Not something to get cavalier about. Theres a lot more at stake than mine or her feelings.

i'm teetering between falling back to my old self and playing things cautious and safe and keeping everything bottled up and waiting for everyone else to take the lead, or going forward with the new me, the me thats decided to not let anything go unsaid or done, the new me that just goes for things.

heh, and then theres that other part of me that keeps telling myself that Star is just a nice, friendly person. That she's just being herself and that theres nothing about me to be desired. The pessimistic, negative part of me that just doesn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

So... I just don't know.

Another day, I suppose. Another day.