04 - Bleak

Well, have to start somewhere. So, Got my answer from jaden about the end of the month, 'pre-deployment leave' style...

Feb 20 to Mar 08... Seventeen days... Three weekends... A long fucking time, to put it bluntly. And, you know, great for them. Thats an amazing amount of time for the US Government to grant a fighting man to go home and see his family. His family. Sometime during those Seventeen days and three weekends, She's going to make herself part of His Family. They're going to be able to just live in their own little world, for Seventeen days and Three Weekends... Completely oblivious to the misery the rest of us live with daily. Safe and snuggled in their fabricated utopia. But, Great for them.

Rubbish, for me. Seventeen days and Three weekends of little to no contact. Seventeen days and Three weekends of silence at home, as I know somewhere not too far away, they're together, and they're happy, and they're getting married and planning their future and enjoying their lives. Seventeen days and three weekends of me realizing he's walking away with what once belonged to me.

Seventeen days and Three weekends is a long, long time. And its going to be misreble. Completely and Totally miserable. Call that self fulfilling prophecy if you want, but its the gosh darn truth, and you know it.

So, sitting in the living room of the hosue she's staying in right now, last night... reminded oh so much more that this is really happening and its not just some bad dream. Seeeing her budgeting for expenses:wedding... seeing the envelope the rings she bought came in... Its all forcably showing me the bitter truth. That she really .is. going to marry him in a few weeks.

Least i read in her blog today that she feels like she's 'practically bailing on her bfff'. 'Course i feel a bit differently about that, leaning much more towards 'definately' bailing on me, but... practically at least means she sees it... Whetehr she understands truly how it feels, and how it affects me, and what its like to be in my shoes... thats probably a different story. But seeing her acknowledge the fact that she feels like its what she's doing... Well, its a step. I suppose. Its not going to change the Seventeen days and Three weekends, and it doesn't make me feel any better about the situation i still find myself in... But its at the least good to know she isn't ignoring that unpleasant fact.

I had the most morbidly unpleasant thought cross my mind last night... As i was laying on the couch getting ready to start my evening... I realized with a bit of an ironic smirk... that the motorcycle i've fought with my mom to keep storing for Jaden in our garage, while done out of friendship and general kindness in the first place, there always was at the beginning that sense of making sure there was one more reason she'd not just pick up and leave completely, too... well, that motorcycle, sitting in moms garage... means even if i .did. finally convince myself that i could entertain the notion of bleeding myself out on my benchmade, Its not even an option. Not with mom in possession of Jadens bike, i need to be around to make sure she gets it back safely and in one piece from my mom.

How morbidly rediculous is that? Because my mom is storying my ex gf's bike... I can't even in good concious bleed myself out on my own benchmade?

wicked.

Not sure what else to really say at this point. Felt like when i started i had another thing or two i wanted to delve into... but, now not so much... Maybe later, I suppose. Theres always later.