Doublespeak

Well, Halloween is here.

Which means its been almost a year...

a few days less than a year ago, a seed was planted, though we did not know

It was a year ago... plus another five days I think... that I traveled up to school to see her angelic face... I can't and won't forget the way she made me feel, just being there, being my friend, helping me through my ordeal....

So much has changed since then, yet not much has changed at all... We started to talk alot... saw each other more, and then decided a relationship we simply had to explore...
Through thick and thin, seperated for the longest, we plunged headfirst, but only lasted till august...

And now once again, since fall has come, the strings been pulled, web of my life undone...

Is it a trend? I certainly hope not... the feelings the past too falls have given me... i'd very soon like forgot.

So here I am, on this halloween, waiting for her to come home, so we can hit the scene...

Like a horrible silver screen flick... except without the magic...

In the movies and on the pages of the books, we'd get back together, to continue the hooks...

She'd realize she loves me just the way that I love her, and we'd live on happily together for ever and ever.

But its not in the cards, at least not right now... so I'll stick to whats working, regardless of the cost, for living this way with her is infinately better than life if she was lost....

a crappy poem for sure, but its straight from the heart unpolluted by my mind, unscripted and out there, raw from the mine.

Its so hard to imagine, that just last year she was cheering me up, telling me i was worth something, deserved better, would meet someone new... Then I did... She opened my eyes and held out her arms, I flung myself into them and that was it... I fell for her and that was still it... Despite what she says I must have messed up in the middle... Must have done soemthing to help her fall out of love... It can't just be that boy, and their immortal, cursed love?

No bother, no need to dwell, If only i wasn't so snuggly pinned underneath her warmly casted spell... If only the sight of her didn't send warm shivers up my spine... If only her giggle didn't make me feel lighter than air... if only my love for her... simply wasn't there...

But it is and oh well, what can I say? I'm a sap, a dupe, to lead myself on this way?

I don't care. I feel happy, most of the time. And I know she doesn't mean anything by her actions, so everythings fine. I'll keep hoping and praying and wishing at 1111, that someday she'll decide i'm the one she wants to be with till we go to heaven...

It'd be nice itd be great, i'd be happy to the core... but for now i'll accept what I get and not push for more.

Another month and she'll be leaving, heading out to the coast... to see that boy... and catch up and all that... What I'll do for that week i've not a clue... but its inevitable and i'll let thigns go... its all i can do.

Talked to mum yesterday cause i needed out... she listend and heard me, doesn't agree with me but thats fine. She knows her heart and feelings work different than mine. She's been hurt in the past and won't ever forgive... I get hurt all the time its just the cause of the way I live... Tlaking to her was nice but a bit difficult... its hard when someone forces you to look at all the facts... the truths... the absolutes... But its necessarty to go on and to grow...

not everything can be as nice simple and pretty as I'd like it to go.

Rambling seems to be the trait of the week, Its all I seem to be doing lately and i'm not sure if its a good thing or not... But The outlet is nice its keeping me calm... ebbing out the negativity one character at a time... its just a bit strange that this time it rhymes... Prolly cause of that poem she just wrote... about the three days from now last year they'd have been betrothed....

Dunno how i feel bout that yet but she's surely entitled... no have that nostalgia that memory, of the chance she gave up to walk down the aisle... Its my fault i'm sure... that she didn't have that date... she left him for me... thats all i can say....

I wish she could have wanted that day for us... i know I sure did... still do despite our going bust....

maybe she'll see some day in the future... that of them all i've always been her best suitor...

Who knows what tomorrow will bring, I certainly don't though i live with the fear it will sting... He'll be calling again in the next day or so I know, his phone can't stay dead for ever, you know.... So I'll sigh and i'll smile and i'll go to the next room... let them talk and discuss things while i sit or lay alone... Just one more thing on the list of them all... that I do without thinking that is me and is all...

Why i'm so different, Why i don't know... Just wish that it meant more... was worth more... or something...

twenty minutes now, she'll come through the door... I'd better get going, gotta get ready and all... i'll dress right and proper... we'll have a ball.. Smiling and laughing, well have a good time... but sooner or later, i'll remember she ain't mine. The smile will turn shakey, and sigh just a bit... then i'll grit my teeth and bite on my lip... suck it all up and keep on going along... because first and formost she's my friend and anything else would be wrong...

So thats all I'll say for today, its more than enough. Till the next time I type I hope things aren't too rough. See you later, blog of mine, and to anyone reading, I know I'll be just fine.

Ripples in the form of echoes

Working... Down time... Brains doing that thinking thing again and this time i can't distract it.... I hate it when this happens...

Least I've got the blog... It helps, I think...

Its him again... Jadens Ex.

Why can't I just get over this dude?
Seriously.

I know theres no use in worrying about him... nothing i can do or say to change the way anythigns going to play out...

My fate as it pertains to her and 'us' is entirely in her hands now, anyway. Yet the very instant that i have an inkling that she might be talking to him, texting with him, iming him... its like instant tension... Instant stomach ache... Instant freak out...

Why?

Its a question I find myself asking a lot these days... .sigh. and one that is not only counter-productive, but also just plain torturing.

I can't find a way to get my brain to accept the thought that the kid doesn't have a 're-hook-up' in mind for her... No matter what she tells me (which I believe whole-heartedly, for i trust her whole-heartedly and she has never shown a propensity to decieve willingly, nor would i ever expect her to do so) yet still, no matter what she tells me or how she feels, I. Me. Myself. Cannot see it any other way.

if not just from the perspective of history repeating itself, and the fact that they've gone back and forth so often in the past... But even beyond that... Why .wouldn't. he want to have her back? I don't buy the "i may not come home from my deployment" lines... or the "i don't want to let anyone close"... Those are things people say, not things people mean... I know thats my opinion...but truthfully, what else do I have but that?

So... Thats that. I think he wants her back... And I think when he finally gets around to admitting that to her... Well, Frankly, I dont' see her telling him no. regardless of me or anyone else in life. Even if I did have something to offer her, which its been made fairly clear this past month I don't.... I don't think even then I'd be able to compete against him.

I don't think I've ever held a candle to him. Don't think anyone ever has... And frankly i don't understand it... The negative that I've heard related to me has invariably always overshadowed any positives that I've heard... Maybe she just doesn't talk about the positives as much... or maybe the few positives there are are just that great in her book...

I dunno. To me, he's always been a little immature, a little unreasonable, a little controlling, and rather tempermental/confused. She talked at length about the possibilities of bipolar-ness and other things of the sort... the hot/cold... The stress and struggle...

But he knows. He knows she's a good thing.... Just like .I. know she's a good thing. And while he's .let. her go, time and again, only to be rewarded with a second chance... I've .fought. and clung, and clawed and strived to keep her around... only to be left in the end... He .chose. to send the good that she is away... so excuse me and pardon me if i feel like he doesn't really deserve to feel the goodness that she brings with her into any room she enters again.

Is that petty? Is that unreasonable? He .chose. to let her go, to send her away... All i've .ever. wanted was for her to stay...

But... This isn't about me and her... Not in the simplest form... Its her and him... Its her, and him... and somewhere in the distance... or maybe under the bridge... thats where theres me....

So how do i do it? How do I sit back? Stand around, listen on and watch him talk and text and im and webcam his way right back into her heart? How do I do that? How do I allow it to happen, under my nose? How to i watch it go on, while he takes up her time that would otherwise be spent hanging aroudn with me? And how do I knowingly hug her goodbye as she flies out there to spend the weekend with him?

Because I love her. Thats how... Because I care about her. Because I respect her as her own person and value her friendship and her right to happiness and her right to do as she pleases. Thats how.

Unfortunately that doesn't make it a lick easier... It only makes it harder because I couldn't possibly see him ever doing the same... Not from what I've heard and been told... Is being the bigger man, the honerable man, the good, no the best friend worth the pain?

It is if it means I don't hurt her like others have. It is if she still smiles for me the way she can... If she still cares for me the way she does... And if theres still a spot somewhere in her heart that I can touch, if only from a far....

It will have to be worth the pain... And I will have to endure...

Because Life without her wouldn't be life at all.

So thats that... I guess I"m done for today... time to go pick up some mail and then drive home... maybe she'll be back from the store by the time i get home... and with any luck from the stars hopefully when i get there, he won't be taking up her time again...

I'm not bitter or angry about it... Don't even mean to cause her trouble or make her think twice... She's got her right to be her and to be happy... But i can't lie to you or anyone else and say that it doesn't hurt... And I hurt bad.

provident abandon

Well its been a long time since i've written, and theres specific reasons for that... and those reasons are quite frankly the same exact reason that i'm writing again... last time i wrote i was fairly happy... things were going well in my life and i didn't have much of a reason to be complaining or ranting or venting or anything like that...

but... Well, now i do.

*le sigh*

Things with Jaden and I didn't turn out to be forever at last, like i'd thought they were... We never fought... never had any real problems... From her perspective and her words... she just didn't feel it anymore...

She told me that I did and said everythign she could ever want a boyfriend to do and say... And yet i wasn't making her happy... she wasn't feeling what i was feeling...

she didn't love me back...

So i fought. With ever fiber of my being i fought and fought to save our relationship in any and every way i could... But it was for naught... We broke up two fridays ago... We're friends now... We're roommates now...

consequently this is an issue...

The first three days were brutal, as I fought to adjust to the new way of things...

And just as I began to get used to it all... We had a... "night".

Things happened... Intimate sorts of things... and that night seemed to spawn a trio of days leading towards teh end of the week that followed a backwards sort of trend abck towards the way things had been... and I fought and fought within myself to not alow hopes of mine to rise and dominate my perceptiosn....

After spending sat and sunday apart, I returned home... only to find her on the ohone with her Ex... again.

Theyve been talking alot lately... it bothers me... I'm terrified of her and him getting back together and leaving me in the dust....

We talked thigns over last night... abotu the past week and the intimate situations... *another sigh* talked it over and we came to conclusions that we were just close friends... the occasional night fling and close cuddlieness were just that... didn't and don't mean anything other than creature comforts... Which... well, I'm not so sure i'm cool with or not... because I know in my heart I still love her and want to be with her....

I don't know anymore. I've reached logical conclusions on all of the things troubling me. even the ex thing.... cause nothing i do or say will prevent her from either getting with him, or not. And when she visits him this fall out in north carolina... they'll either get back together... stay friends and continue flirting back and forth, realize the relationships not gonna work and stay friends without the flirting, or stop being friends all together...

Theres really no logical way around it, without having the proper closure in one way or another she'll never know for sure...

I jsut wish it didn't have to happen...

And where will it leave me?

How will I get my closure?

Because I certainly don't have any right now...

Every other day I think about the possibilities... And Its tearing me up inside.

But on the other side of everything... there is our friendship which is 4 years running and I certainly don't want it to end... regardless of anything else thats going on... I don't want to lose her companionship... her understanding... the closeness and trust I feel for her....

But if she goes back with her ex? The guy she's on and off dating several times over? The guy whose proven again and again that things between them, however idylic they may look, jsut don't ever seem to work?

What then?

He's active duty marines in NC... She'll Leave. Even if she doesn't right away, What of our daily lives? What of the cuddling? the closeness? The flirting? The occasional passionate moments that seem to come jsut a bit too frequently? The companionship? It would invariably have to leave, No?

The answer must be yes.... He'd never be able to be comfortable with it, And I certainly wouldn't either... i'm not that way... I don't think...

Could i possibly decieve myself into ignoring the fact that her heart belongs to someone else whilst I pour mine out towards her?

It scares me to realize I don't know the answer to that question...

If i make too big of a deal about him and her though, will i lose her regardless of her not wanting to leave?

Yes... I do believe so.

So what do I do?

What do I say?

How do I go on?

Well, the answers elude me.

And I'll assume they might forever.

For now I'll go on by the day... After talking to her tonight I suppose...

If nothing else I'll have till thanksgiving... Whatever happens after that I'll have to deal with then....

But, What will I do if I'm alone? I don't know... Ive never lived .on my own. For a few months i was the only one here... but i lived everyday counting down the hours till she came home to me... What will become of me if there comes a day that I am forced to realize she is truly gone... not ever coming back? Because she's someone elses love?

I can't know till it happens... But I worry nonetheless...

I worry so so much...

Because I Love her....


I love her so so much...


So... *breathes* She'll be home in a bit... I'll smile. Ask how her day was... because I truly care... We'll have supper... perhaps watch a movie... There might be cuddling... I'll smile through the pinches in my heart, and then bed time will come... I'll lay down... cover up... She'll wrap her arms around me... as a friend, and I'll do the same to her, whilst hoping that someday our arms might be intertwined once mroe in a lovers embrace, one much fuller and more passionate than the ones we'll have tonight.

*sighs once more*

Either way things go, I've a feeling i'll be back to write some more... As much as I wish i didn't need to.

- Worriedly, Me