Well its been a long time since i've written, and theres specific reasons for that... and those reasons are quite frankly the same exact reason that i'm writing again... last time i wrote i was fairly happy... things were going well in my life and i didn't have much of a reason to be complaining or ranting or venting or anything like that...
but... Well, now i do.
*le sigh*
Things with Jaden and I didn't turn out to be forever at last, like i'd thought they were... We never fought... never had any real problems... From her perspective and her words... she just didn't feel it anymore...
She told me that I did and said everythign she could ever want a boyfriend to do and say... And yet i wasn't making her happy... she wasn't feeling what i was feeling...
she didn't love me back...
So i fought. With ever fiber of my being i fought and fought to save our relationship in any and every way i could... But it was for naught... We broke up two fridays ago... We're friends now... We're roommates now...
consequently this is an issue...
The first three days were brutal, as I fought to adjust to the new way of things...
And just as I began to get used to it all... We had a... "night".
Things happened... Intimate sorts of things... and that night seemed to spawn a trio of days leading towards teh end of the week that followed a backwards sort of trend abck towards the way things had been... and I fought and fought within myself to not alow hopes of mine to rise and dominate my perceptiosn....
After spending sat and sunday apart, I returned home... only to find her on the ohone with her Ex... again.
Theyve been talking alot lately... it bothers me... I'm terrified of her and him getting back together and leaving me in the dust....
We talked thigns over last night... abotu the past week and the intimate situations... *another sigh* talked it over and we came to conclusions that we were just close friends... the occasional night fling and close cuddlieness were just that... didn't and don't mean anything other than creature comforts... Which... well, I'm not so sure i'm cool with or not... because I know in my heart I still love her and want to be with her....
I don't know anymore. I've reached logical conclusions on all of the things troubling me. even the ex thing.... cause nothing i do or say will prevent her from either getting with him, or not. And when she visits him this fall out in north carolina... they'll either get back together... stay friends and continue flirting back and forth, realize the relationships not gonna work and stay friends without the flirting, or stop being friends all together...
Theres really no logical way around it, without having the proper closure in one way or another she'll never know for sure...
I jsut wish it didn't have to happen...
And where will it leave me?
How will I get my closure?
Because I certainly don't have any right now...
Every other day I think about the possibilities... And Its tearing me up inside.
But on the other side of everything... there is our friendship which is 4 years running and I certainly don't want it to end... regardless of anything else thats going on... I don't want to lose her companionship... her understanding... the closeness and trust I feel for her....
But if she goes back with her ex? The guy she's on and off dating several times over? The guy whose proven again and again that things between them, however idylic they may look, jsut don't ever seem to work?
What then?
He's active duty marines in NC... She'll Leave. Even if she doesn't right away, What of our daily lives? What of the cuddling? the closeness? The flirting? The occasional passionate moments that seem to come jsut a bit too frequently? The companionship? It would invariably have to leave, No?
The answer must be yes.... He'd never be able to be comfortable with it, And I certainly wouldn't either... i'm not that way... I don't think...
Could i possibly decieve myself into ignoring the fact that her heart belongs to someone else whilst I pour mine out towards her?
It scares me to realize I don't know the answer to that question...
If i make too big of a deal about him and her though, will i lose her regardless of her not wanting to leave?
Yes... I do believe so.
So what do I do?
What do I say?
How do I go on?
Well, the answers elude me.
And I'll assume they might forever.
For now I'll go on by the day... After talking to her tonight I suppose...
If nothing else I'll have till thanksgiving... Whatever happens after that I'll have to deal with then....
But, What will I do if I'm alone? I don't know... Ive never lived .on my own. For a few months i was the only one here... but i lived everyday counting down the hours till she came home to me... What will become of me if there comes a day that I am forced to realize she is truly gone... not ever coming back? Because she's someone elses love?
I can't know till it happens... But I worry nonetheless...
I worry so so much...
Because I Love her....
I love her so so much...
So... *breathes* She'll be home in a bit... I'll smile. Ask how her day was... because I truly care... We'll have supper... perhaps watch a movie... There might be cuddling... I'll smile through the pinches in my heart, and then bed time will come... I'll lay down... cover up... She'll wrap her arms around me... as a friend, and I'll do the same to her, whilst hoping that someday our arms might be intertwined once mroe in a lovers embrace, one much fuller and more passionate than the ones we'll have tonight.
*sighs once more*
Either way things go, I've a feeling i'll be back to write some more... As much as I wish i didn't need to.
- Worriedly, Me
No comments:
Post a Comment