Ripples in the form of echoes

Working... Down time... Brains doing that thinking thing again and this time i can't distract it.... I hate it when this happens...

Least I've got the blog... It helps, I think...

Its him again... Jadens Ex.

Why can't I just get over this dude?
Seriously.

I know theres no use in worrying about him... nothing i can do or say to change the way anythigns going to play out...

My fate as it pertains to her and 'us' is entirely in her hands now, anyway. Yet the very instant that i have an inkling that she might be talking to him, texting with him, iming him... its like instant tension... Instant stomach ache... Instant freak out...

Why?

Its a question I find myself asking a lot these days... .sigh. and one that is not only counter-productive, but also just plain torturing.

I can't find a way to get my brain to accept the thought that the kid doesn't have a 're-hook-up' in mind for her... No matter what she tells me (which I believe whole-heartedly, for i trust her whole-heartedly and she has never shown a propensity to decieve willingly, nor would i ever expect her to do so) yet still, no matter what she tells me or how she feels, I. Me. Myself. Cannot see it any other way.

if not just from the perspective of history repeating itself, and the fact that they've gone back and forth so often in the past... But even beyond that... Why .wouldn't. he want to have her back? I don't buy the "i may not come home from my deployment" lines... or the "i don't want to let anyone close"... Those are things people say, not things people mean... I know thats my opinion...but truthfully, what else do I have but that?

So... Thats that. I think he wants her back... And I think when he finally gets around to admitting that to her... Well, Frankly, I dont' see her telling him no. regardless of me or anyone else in life. Even if I did have something to offer her, which its been made fairly clear this past month I don't.... I don't think even then I'd be able to compete against him.

I don't think I've ever held a candle to him. Don't think anyone ever has... And frankly i don't understand it... The negative that I've heard related to me has invariably always overshadowed any positives that I've heard... Maybe she just doesn't talk about the positives as much... or maybe the few positives there are are just that great in her book...

I dunno. To me, he's always been a little immature, a little unreasonable, a little controlling, and rather tempermental/confused. She talked at length about the possibilities of bipolar-ness and other things of the sort... the hot/cold... The stress and struggle...

But he knows. He knows she's a good thing.... Just like .I. know she's a good thing. And while he's .let. her go, time and again, only to be rewarded with a second chance... I've .fought. and clung, and clawed and strived to keep her around... only to be left in the end... He .chose. to send the good that she is away... so excuse me and pardon me if i feel like he doesn't really deserve to feel the goodness that she brings with her into any room she enters again.

Is that petty? Is that unreasonable? He .chose. to let her go, to send her away... All i've .ever. wanted was for her to stay...

But... This isn't about me and her... Not in the simplest form... Its her and him... Its her, and him... and somewhere in the distance... or maybe under the bridge... thats where theres me....

So how do i do it? How do I sit back? Stand around, listen on and watch him talk and text and im and webcam his way right back into her heart? How do I do that? How do I allow it to happen, under my nose? How to i watch it go on, while he takes up her time that would otherwise be spent hanging aroudn with me? And how do I knowingly hug her goodbye as she flies out there to spend the weekend with him?

Because I love her. Thats how... Because I care about her. Because I respect her as her own person and value her friendship and her right to happiness and her right to do as she pleases. Thats how.

Unfortunately that doesn't make it a lick easier... It only makes it harder because I couldn't possibly see him ever doing the same... Not from what I've heard and been told... Is being the bigger man, the honerable man, the good, no the best friend worth the pain?

It is if it means I don't hurt her like others have. It is if she still smiles for me the way she can... If she still cares for me the way she does... And if theres still a spot somewhere in her heart that I can touch, if only from a far....

It will have to be worth the pain... And I will have to endure...

Because Life without her wouldn't be life at all.

So thats that... I guess I"m done for today... time to go pick up some mail and then drive home... maybe she'll be back from the store by the time i get home... and with any luck from the stars hopefully when i get there, he won't be taking up her time again...

I'm not bitter or angry about it... Don't even mean to cause her trouble or make her think twice... She's got her right to be her and to be happy... But i can't lie to you or anyone else and say that it doesn't hurt... And I hurt bad.