As The twisting yarns of fate continue to weave and at the same time unravel all around me as I move forward with my life... Its impossible for memories of a time lost to stay hidden beneath the veil of the present.
These flashbacks of what once was, more frequent with each passing week and month, fill me with the most bittersweet feelings one can ever hold. It seems a constant mirror is placed next to me. And with a single glance to my side, I see Feb 3rd of 08, suspended there next to me as I struggle my way through Feb 3rd of 09.
Last month plus the next three... So many things changed, molded, evolved, and developed... So many feelings grew, were realized, were no longer ignored, or were put to rest... Last spring... Nothing was ever, .wrong. .
Every month, every week, every day, every conversation... And we told ourselves, while we trusted each other to assume the same, we told ourselves how right we were, for each other. How much better off we were, now that we were together... And how bright our future was yet to be.
It was this span of 4 months, last year, that plunged us into love. Into great, overpowering love for one another. I hope you can look back and remember like I can... And still feel the warmth from those memories... bittersweet and painful as they may be.
Because I know how much you meant to me, and I know how much I meant to you then, too.
I hope you can still remember that, and enjoy those memories for what they are.
I still see the words you wrote about me, during those times, when my eyes close during the day. The sentiments, the pledges, the promises... The words won't ever truly be forgotten, nor will the memory of how it made me feel to read them.
You loved me... And I loved you. Why we never got around to telling each other that, I'll never really know. Were you waiting for me? Was I waiting for you? What was it? We both knew it. We both .showed. it... Why didn't it ever get said?
One more regret to add to a long list, I suppose. I can't afford to get caught up in 'what ifs' now adays... But, Sometimes its impossible to avoid. What if I would've said it... when i really wanted to? That night in the Windy City... when i just couldn't quite find the air in my lungs, as you stole my breath away. Would things have turned out differently, then?
I was better. You wrote as much. Better than any other boy... The perfect Boy... you wrote... I did the right things, said the right things, didn't do and didn't say the wrong things... I .understood. you, I .got to. you on every level... And you .wanted. to be with me.
And now I have to live my life wondering, far too frequently for my liking, what if this, and what if that. And Why. Always Why. Why did things ever change. I was set up to conquer the world, w you by my side. Together nothing was going to topple us.
But in the end, It was that Ghost of a Boy, the one you stopped having to think about not thinking about... That came back to life, became corporeal once again, and somehow stole you away fromm my warm, loving arms.
And now its that Ghost of a Boy... Whose wanting me out of your life, for good. Taking your love away wasn't enough... Apparently.
I'll hang on to these memories. Painfully bittersweet as they may be. Because they tell the happy tale of great friends, who found something new within themselves, that brought them together and I know it was magical. I know it was pure and I know it was right. And I'll hang on to that.
I'll carry those feelings with me, he can't have them. Those feelings, those memories, that knowledge that you loved me... all of that .belongs. to me. Belongs to .my. heart.
And I'll keep it safe. Because we loved each other, and we took that chance, and we went on that journey. You may have left before we found what we were looking for... But I know its still out there, And I'll keep safe those feelings and those memories, and these words and I'll keep them safe like a treasure map.
Our Treasure map. And I'll keep that map safe, just in case, someday you decide that that treasure we set off to find is worth another quest. Just like that Knight in shining armor and his fair Maiden, who met and formed that magical bond so many years ago. Their quest shall lay unfinished, but gaurded deep within my heart... Just in case.
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