02 - The Wave Off

Hey all... Nother lapse, I know. My bad.

Superbowl last night... Yay.

Start from the top, huh?

Jaden was supposed to be coming back from the QC in the early afternoon so that we could shop/cook/set up for the Super bowl... She was supposed to be leaving round noon and getting to teh apt round 2... Well, that didn't happen.

Hanging out with Aces family and shopping for wedding stuff seemed to take the priority. Found out just before 2 oclock that she was still shopping. Some texts and a decent amount of time later... she was finally on her way home, but she didn't get to the apt until after kickoff... some 3 and a half hours later than the plan had outlined...

I was pretty upset... for those three hours, at least. Once she was there and we started doing dinner and watching the game, most of that upsetness melted away, like it ussually seems to whenever something comes up that upsets me with her.

I'm still put off a bti, and still a lil hurt... Not so much about not being as important as they were... but more-so at the cassual way that she conducted that fact. I feel like she wasn't really all that worried or upset about the fact that she had let down her side of the plan, and that she'd left me hanging for the afternoon... but, whatever. Thats not even the bad stuff.

About half-way through the third quarter of the game, Ace called. She took the call and they talked for a bit... then something came up that she needed to leave the room to continue to talk to him about.

I couldn't even watch the game, anymore at that point, i was too upset. So i got up, got dressed, grabbed the trash, took it out to the dumpster and then went for a drive. I had planned on staying out until she finished the convo and asked me to come back... but as i was out driving around i realized/decided that i shouldnt' have to miss the superbowl, because of him. So, i came home, they were still talking, and I finished watchign the game... Then, hit the music and started reading...

She came back out to the living room a lil later, i stopped reading, and we sat there for a little bit. I asked if she wanted to talk, and she said, eventually. So i turned the music back on but lowered the volume and waited...

Then we talked.

Ace finally did it. Finally went across that line, and 'asked' her to stop talking to me completely.

So... Thats it. WTF, right?

Just one more thing that i've anticipated/predicted that i really wish hadn't come true.

So now what?

She's marrying the guy this month. And he wants me out of her life. Says he's afraid i'm going to 'try' something. Well, by god, I wish i knew what it was he thinks i could try that would be such a threat to him. Because i've pretty much tried anything and everything under the sun that first month and a half after the breakup before they 'officially' got together again, to no avail. Idk how retarded he thinks I am, but she's left him for me once before, and that didn't turn out so well for me, did it? So why would I even think it would turn out any different this time around?

So... Now what? He wants me out. He's not going to change his mind about it. She already feels guilty about his feelings, because of past situations and actions that he points towards for his reasoning for worrying about her and me... So she's already bought into his opinoin/false logic about the whole thing... And shes wanting to spend the rest of her life with him.

Pretty long odds for the good friend turned ex-bf-turned bfff... Why on earth would she choose me over what she has with him? Especially given the circumstances... If i was that important and meant that much to her and her life, she woulnd't have left me for him in the first place and we'd still be together...

So... Now what?

Life without Jaden... What the ehck am I gonna do then? I don't really know. She'll be fine. She'll have him. And she'll find more friends. Just another two reasons why she should pick him and boot me.

Pretty ironic that i just wrote about my fear of this possibility a pair of blogs ago.

Now its here.

She said this morning she thinks she's still in shock... That she hasn't really accepted or realized just how serious the situation is. I wish I could say the same. I wish I wasn't constantly thinking about how this fiery crash is going to end.

When she and I first got together... she'd praised teh fact that i wasn't as controlling as he was with her. That I let her do her own thing and didn't hassel or bother her about her guy friends or personal choices and activities... looks to me like he hasn't really changed a whole lot since then. The solution shouldn't be in necesitating a cut of contact between me and her... It shoudl be in him expressing hsi concern, and her expressing to him the lack of a need for concern. He should be able to love and trust her and her judgement, and learn to control his reactions thoughts and behaviors when it comes to things like that...

I'm not sure what else to say at this point. I feel pretty numb inside right now. The thought of her breaking off comunication with me to appease him is not a fun one to think. And the thought of me having to break off comunication with her because i feel its the right thing to do to not get in the way of her and him is an even harder and much more not fun one to think... And the thought of going on with my life without having her as a friend and confidont is the most not fun and hardest of thoughts to think.

So once again, i've run into yet another obstacle/road block in life where a change is about to be forced upon me that i have no control over, and that i didn't instigate or cause, and i feel i certainly don't deserve. And yet again the tentative future of my life and happiness is once again in someone elses control and hands...

So, I guess i'll just sit her and wait. Sit here and wait and see what becomes of all of this. See where I end up when all the dust settles and see if i'm still intact on the other side.