Every day... Every hour of every day even, seems to throw a new curve or present a new challenge to me, lately.
So much up inside my head right now that I can't even process it all.
Between Desi cutting off communication w me, Jadens mom .contacting. me..., Jaden getting closer and closer to marrying Ace, Mom and her birthday and Sis and all the drama going on there, Still dealing w and getting used to the empty apt...
Its just all too much, really. I can't tackle it all at once. In reality, i'm not even sure i can tackle it all, period.
I'm still shaking almost two hours after the phone call w Jadens mom... Verbal sparring is ussually my strong suit... but ussually i'm prepared, ussually i know my steps, i know the facts, and i know my opponent. And i'm ussually lying for myself, or to get myself out of something... Not ussually lying for my ex gf, to her mother, about the boy she's leaving me for and trying to marry...
"I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do
It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do"
Another twenty minutes... Then I can start the final run... Then I can go home... Then i can slump down on the couch and let it all out... Because I can feel the tears ready to fall. I can feel the breakdown on the horizon.
Talking w Jadens mom forced me to pretty much relive the process by whcih Jaden fell out of love w me, and fell back in love w Ace. Not exactly the most fun of conversations. Not ecaxtly the place you want to be in, in life. Just want today to be over. Bring on tomorrow w a clean slate and try agaoin.... Just keep on trying ... someday.
Why couldn't you have loved me? Why couldn't we have been happy? Why couldn't you have given us the time we needed? Why? We would have made it. We would have been happy. We would have. Yet, you traded me in for the other model, the more exciting yet more unpredictable one. And now your under its spell, again. Wake up? Please? Wake up from this spell and see me and what i already do and will always bring to the table, and wake up and see that it would all work out fine?
No comments:
Post a Comment