06 - Bleed it out

What do they call it when your at an all time high, and then you fall down to a lowest low?

Devastation.

Sounds about right.

Where to start?

Jaden and I had our talk, yesterday after work... She caught me up on how her and Ace are doing, and how they're week in the QC went, I caught her up on how things were going between Desi and I, and then we both weighed in on each others respective situations. It was a nice, healthy heart to heart.

Id had a shitty start to my day, and the only thing that was pulling me through it was knowing sometime after 930 that Desi would be calling, and we were going to get to talk...

Well, she did, and we did. She'd had a far shittier day than I had, so i let her vent. Id hoped it was helpful, I know how things can get sometimes and its always nice to have an ear to speak into, if not so much a shoulder to lean on.

I really thought the phone call was going well... I was certainly feeling better... a smile on my face and in my heart. Then her batt died.

i didn't know that it was her batt at the time... was afraid she might have gotten into an accident or i might have said something wrong... but, her batts died before so it was a possibility...

regardless...

As i was sitting on the couch waiting to see if i'd hear from her agian before bedtime, i got a text, from desi, saying U don't care at all, do u? or something to that affect. Completely confused, i immediately thought that maybe i should have been more worried about the cut off of the phone conversation and that it wasn't a dead battery at all but something much more serious like an accident... But...

That wasn't it.

It was this. This blog. That she hopped on the internet and started to read...

God, I didn't even .remember. that i'd written about her and me back in the freight train post, not that it would have mattered... She read what I wrote back then, while i was recovering from the ex before Jaden dumping me... And took it all in the worst possible way.

But, ya know what? Thats her right, isn't it? To take things the way she feels they're meant, regardless of how the original writer might have meant them?

idk if it is or isn't, but i do know its irrelevant... Because of what she read her, she called into question how she could even believe me when I told her that I loved her.

How do i defend against something i wrote so long ago, when i was in such a different place in my life?

well, I don't know. But i'll be damned if i didn't keep trying until she told me to stop and to let her go to bed.

I don't even know if i actually slept, last night... really... I cried for awhile, almost got sick twice... and the rest of the time was spent trying to stop myself from imagining a future without her in it. Just one day after spending most of the night imagining a future with no one .but. her in it.

So what do I do now... I texted her this morning like she instructed... no reply so far.

What do I do now? How do i show her that i .do. care? That i .do. love her? That i'm not just using her as a doormat to clean off my boots before i move on to someone else?

God I thought things were going so well, too.

I suppose thats what I get, for hoping though... for having hope and trying to look into the future to better times than now...

I feel like everything that was good in my life just vanished right before my eyes... the pep i had in my step for the past week is gone. No smile on my face anymore, and a sour frown upon my cracked and bleeding heart.

I just want to leave work, go home, crawl under the blankets in bed and waste away.

If only i could.

I don't know if she'll be reading this or not... Given how things went last night when she visited here i suppose i'd doubt it. idk... If she doesn't message me back I'm not sure what to do. I alreadty tried to google around to see if i could find her address somewhere so i could show up and suprise her one day, like we've always joked about... but i spent two days looking for any sort of hint or clue and came up completely dry... I suppose i could get up to her town and just sit and wait until i saw her car... but thats uber-stalkish... Probably not the best of ideas... And I've got Drill this weekend, to top everything else off... What a perfect time to not have a weekend free to go see her, to have a chance to set things right in person.

I'll just have to hope she gets back into contact with me, somehow, someway... I cna't believe i was just talking to Jaden yesterday about how nice it was to be in such steady and consistent communication with her... did i Jinx all this?

Why?