I'm not sure how my posts here have changed from me talking about how i feel and whats on my mind and my thoughts and emotions, to just lists of what i do throughout the day, but I'm going to make a concious effort to get back to the way things are supposed to be.
Idk... maybe lately i've just been afraid to admit to myself some of the thoughts i've been having... maybe not... *shrugs*
I'm out of control.
There it is. I've said it.
My mind is not my own, my thoughts are someone elses, I don't know who I am anymore, and I'm out of control.
I thought I was doing well, coping with the ten days of being alone... Dealing with it, making improvements in my mindset and preparing to drive on to the future... But... I think what really happened is something just broke. Something somewhere inside just broke... And whatever rudder was giving me stability and direction is just flapping uselessly now... And i'm spiralling downward, out of control...
Smoking again? I mean, come on? really? What the hell am I thinking? Whats that going to do for me? Besides probably make me sick before too long? I was alone too long. She was gone too long. Her plans changed too many times... I ran out of air.
I ran out of air, and I couldn't breathe... Underneath the surface that was calm and collected, I was manic, panic-ing.. So what did I do? I broke... I broke down and lashed out... How mature of me.
So now what? Now what do I do? I need help. I need friends.... I need support. I need to get a friggen grip before This downward spiral puts me in a place where its to dark to find a way out. Thats somewhere I don't want to end up again... feels like i just got out of that place a month ago... I'm not ready to go back so soon...
fuck.
Life used to be so simple... When did it become this complex, when did it stat looking for ways to shove me around, to knock me down?
What am I supposed to do, now?
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