In a word... Envy.
How I envy you two, so.
As much as I wish i didn't or wouldn't, the simple truth is, I do.
I wish one... Just one, one single incident of mine, within the bounds of a relationship, wouldn't end up turning into a catastrophic skid ending in burning wreckage.
I wish I could experience a realm or a world where its somehow ok, to have such random spurts of mood swings, and mind changes, and doubts, and things that are said, things that are implied. Wish... Wish i could expereince a world where not finishing a conversation like that was ok, and I wish i could experience that confidence that i could say and do what i want, knowing that as long as i call back and say i didn't mean it, or that i was just freaking out, or that i've changed my mind... Wish i could know what its like for all of that to be ok.
Wish someone loved me enough, to overlook all the bad stuff i do and have done, to ignore whatever bad stuff i say or think or do, and to only ever see the good parts of me, and to only ever judge me by the positives, however abundant or not they may be. Wish that kind of life was possible, for me.
So, I envy you that. I truly, truly do. It must be really nice. To know no matter what, at the end of the day, things are going to work out for you. And to know, no matter what, that someones gonna be there on the otherside to offer up a warm smiling embrace and let you know that everythings gonna be alright.
Alright... so appologies to the readers for the lapse... Had some stuff going on/gotten kind of busy/haven't had the heart strings left over to play out a tune here, lately.
That being said, i owe an update, all the same.
Things are, almost decent, right now. On the verge of a turning point at work, as long as i can drum up some willpower, pick myself up by my bootstraps and drive on and do whats right... Home life... Well, slowly starting to adjust to the whole, single occupancy, thing... Which is a good thing overall... Slowly starting to figure out how to schedule the time, how to actually make a meal for one person, and how to fall asleep in a nearly empty bed.
All good things, relatively. drastically cut back on the soda, and drinking alot of tea, lately... which is hopefully good for me... Got some books i'm working at reading, it always helps pass the time, if nothing else.
Texted Desi over the weekend, just a short little thing, letting her know that i miss hearing from her. Hopefully it was innocent enough. Havne't gotten anything back, though. Not sure if i ever will. Def planning on sticking with the brithday message plan, though... If i have another moment like i did this weekend, though, i won't stop myself from sending a hey whats up, sort of thing. But i'm still respecting her need/request for space. as rough as it may be on me.
Things with Jaden are as smooth as they ussually are... The friendships still hanging in there. There are still plenty of times where things get tough, and where i feel like i'm tested emotionally... But, It really can't be helped. Some stuff just comes up and some stuff just happens, and you just have to accept it, deal with it, and move on from it.
The fact is that She's going to be marrying this kid in about a month or less. And I really don't know how thats going to affect me, once it happens. Sitting here talking about it and thinking about it is all well and good, but it hasn't happened yet. And therefore it may not happen, at all. But once it does happen, and i'm fairly certain its going to, itll be done. permanant. thats going to sting deeper than anything else has so far. And I just cna't know how i'm going to take it. And I just can't know how its going to affect our friendship.
Its just not possible to know or predict whats going to happen, after that. Sure, He's going to go on his deployment and we'll probably have the summer to continue hanging out, but i'm sure even that will end up changing, inevitably...
But once he gets back? Thats going to be her husband, where he goes, she's going to follow, and then i'm truly going to be alone. And i refuse to kid myself and think that he's ever going to be ok with her and I hanging out after that. And I refuse to kid myself and think that her continued friendship and contact with me isn't going to be a cause for friction and conflict for them and their relationship...
Its not being pessimistic, just accepting reality. Its how i lost another one of my close friends. Her boyfriend came home from training, and didn't like the fact that we were so close of friends, and next thing i know, we haven't spoken or written to each other for over 2 years now. A friendship literally vanished wo a trace.
I don't expect that w Jaden... Id imagine she'd fight it. drag it out, find ways to make it work... for awhile. But i stay away from that other friend, out of respect that i know it would cause her relationship problems if i didn't. And the same will end up being applied to Jaden. I won't be able to let myself let her put her relationship in jeopardy over our friendship, i have a hard enough time sleeping at night as it is.
Haven't heard much from sis or mom this week... So nothing really new to report there, and Jaden's mom hasn't called me since she and Jaden spoke this weekend...
Suppose thats about it, right now... Kinda vague on the details, i know... But, at this point, thats all i really want to open up w. I"m not ok enough inside myself right now to put too much out here to have to read it and actually acknowledge it.
Maybe later...
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