27 - Wasteland

Saturday evening. here I am, all alone.

What have i accomplished thie weekend thusfar?

Not alot. really. Granted, I have taken a huge step in not getting worked up about the Jaden/Ace situation. And I don't want to sell short on how big of a deal that really is... however, at the same time, where i am now is not were i need to be. How do i move on from here?

All i've done is slum around and play video games... not in a depressed sort of way, but, i just really don't know what else to do or where to go to do it. And thats the impass. Where do I find folks to hang out with? Where do i find a girl to make Jaden jealous, like Ace makes me Jealous... Where do i find my own female ace?

And how do I stop myself from trying to make Desi my own female Ace. I've more than offered and invited her to stop by and visit... but why? whats my intention there? I don't know myself, and thats why i'm worried about it. And i can't move forward in that direction until i know what my intentions are... i can't do that to desi again.

So where am I at? What am I gonna do? Bears play tomorrow. Think i'm heading up to Moms to watch it with the sis... lil company will help me out. Just really don't like being alone. *small shrug*

Trying to think of what else... And its not working so well. Trying to not write about Jaden tonight... figure some time in the next week i'll have a night where i actually .have. to, and i'll delve into all of that then. For now i'm just gonna try to focus on me.

But right now, me is distacted and i'm gonna go ahead and stop typin for a bit.

Reality check. Think thats what i'm in store for, lately and into the future, anymore. heh. Not sure what I was thinking, really. What was she supposed to do? Just ditch everything she had going for her and come bounding to my beckon call?

How did i ever get concieted enough to believe, suspect, or hope for nething like that? I don't really know. But i damn well should have known better. So what now? Where am I going, from here? Yes i didn't come out and say anything point blank, but i doubt she didnt' get the hint. She hasn't called me on it. which is decent of her, at least.... unfortunately it doesn't do anything to stop my thoughts on it all. If she'd come out and tell me to bug off, least i woundlt have other thoughts.

maybe i'm seeing too much in some of the thigns she says, maybe i'm hoping to see things that just aren't there. And if thats the case then i've just gotta cool it, and accept the reality for what it is.

i had my chances. She's happy w life the way it is for her. who am I to come along and f it all up for her? just another jerk, in a long line of jerks, thats who.

So i just need to move on. I messed it up a long time ago, and messed it up for good, it seems.

makes the lonely apartment just that much more lonely, tho. i do, feel so alone, anymore. and when Jaden gets back from the QC, what then? i can't pretend she has any feelings for me, anymore. Not after this month. so how alone will i feel then, when she gets back? emotionally quite a bit, i'm sure, but at the very least i'll have someone to talk to. thatll have to mean something.

heh... I was doing so well. And if only things would have gone differently. If my dreams and hopes would have come through, well, thats an if. and screw the ifs, might have been nice, might not have. never know now, anyway.

*heavy sigh*

I just want to feel needed. thats all i need in life to be happy. But it wasn't fair to look to Desi for that. and Jadens made it clear that theres someone else she needs a lot more than me.

and thats it. all she wrote for this next chapter. i can't keep going with this right now.