16 - Gratuitous Heartbreak; Penchants Revealed

Its been a day. For sure. I've had so many thoughts coursing through me at so many seperate times and so many seperate ways... That its been difficult at all to even keep things straight in front of me. But I can feel the pressure building up and needing out. So, before I brave the snow covered roads heading home... I need to bleed this out.

I think the best and only way, is to go by the order things happened... To ensure fair diversification for all thoughts involved... So let me take you back to last night... and we can start there.

Supper. We had a wonderful dinner and a movie last night. Granted we ended up missing heros because of it... But... regardless it was picturesque. Even with Jaden Iming Ace, things were still well enough. We started to have our own conversation, amidst her conversation with him, after I noticed that she didn't look all that great... Talking about what happened the other night... What it had caused for her and that sort of thing... gradually flowing into a deeper conversation, occasionally interupted by her discussion going on with Ace...

Eventually, He called. And we both knew she was going to pick it up... Its an elementary decision, really, given the fact that I live with her, and theoretically can have a conversation with her at any given part of the day, where-as he on the other hand cannot. So, there wasn't really any hard feelings there... Yes it got to me a little, but it always does, no matter the circumstances... They talked for awhile... about any number of things... I was watching the game mostly, trying not to listen for her privacies sake... but, she ended up mentioning that she was having a convertsation with me while talking with Ace on the IM... and that seemed to spark up something rather un-bueno between them...

More after snow-care... Stay tuned.

So i'm back... un-bueno... Yeah, I don't know what it was all about really, About the time i realized that it was about me, and that it was getting touchy, I got up, cleaned off the table, turned off the television and headed into the bedroom... It was late enough by then already that it could have been bed time and I didn't want my presence to impede Jaden in her discussion, nor did I want to make her feel like I was listening in or nething of the sort. It just felt to me like it wasn't fair to either of them for me to be out here while they were talking, anymore.

So i went into the bedroom and laid down. Nearly fell asleep a few times... heard their conversational tones eventually mellow out and then gradually grow back up to happier sounds... Lil bit later I came out to feed the cats, and Jaden said something, and i thought she was still on the phone, but she wasn't and was talking to me... So i responded, and we got a few sentences out before my phone wrang....

It was Destina... She gets off work round eleven msot nights... so she was returning my phone call from sunday on her drive home. Headed into the bedroom where my phone was charging, and answered the call. We talked for awhile... wasn't too long I don't think... Just until she got home. The conversation went as most of them typically do between us these days... Starting out with superficial ketchup of daily lives... followed by sporadic and swift trips down memory lane, followed by her asking me how I'm doing and how my situation is progressing... That ussually turns fairly heavy and philosophical, with the occasional reminder of her life and her relationship with her boyfriend and how things are going and working so well with them...

Except, last night, there was a new addition to it all. remarks, statements, and mini discussions about our past in the form of my shortcomings and wrong doings unto her.

She actually .thanked. me for .breaking her heart. last night. Talk about a slam in the gut. or a stab maybe... Thanked me, for breaking her heart... Becuase without me breaking her heart she'd have continued to want to be with me, and would have never gotten with her current boyfriend... Apparently she met him while still wantingto be with me and while we were still talking... and was torn between us, until i went and did my jerk thing and stopped talking to her. heh. How do you respond to that? How do you feel after that? How .can. you feel after that?

Especially when really, deep down, you never really stopped caring about her, and it still hurt and bothered you, to do what you did? I stumbled my way through the rest of the conversation... which eventually turned back towards Jaden and I... and thats when Destina reminded me once again... that as I was telling her i couldn't just stop caring about Jaden... that, i've .stoped caring before. which was a reference to the above.

Another knife in the gut... because, i can't deny it... I can't say that its not true... and I can't take it back... This is one of possibly my oldest friends... one of my best, closest, most amazing, most loyal, most forgiving and understanding friends... and I did .what?!. to her?

Screwed her over.

Way to go me.

So then what? right after that last comment, she got home, and it was time to end the convo... she had schoolwork to get to.

After that... it was nearly bed time... I talked to Jaden about it a little bit... the things that were said... how I have a hard time following the conversations and understanding what and where and how things are going or meant. In the process we cleared up the misconception that Destina had broken up with her boyfriend... We didn't really talk about Jadens convo with Ace at all really... and then bed happend.

So I got up the next morning... and went about the daily grinds of life... Work was rough... Had the older mentor with me again... not enough time to destress and way to much time to think...

And then I read Jadens blog.

It was late afternoon by the time I saw she'd posted one... And it struck a few chords in me that hadn't been dusted off in some time. Some lines continued to ring in my head and i think i re read them several handfuls of times.

-his phone call with some girl who has a personal and meaningful ring tone, oi...-

-Though I knew it would happen, and wished it wouldn't in the least, and have absolutely no right to feel it, and run the risk of being called 'hypocrite', despite all these things... I'm overly curious slash jealous me thinks, of his (re)new good friend... of the female type... he always did get along better with girls than guys... not a surprise that he should fall into such a close relationship now that he and I have been having more serious conversations.

I mean... he'll need someone to be all fun and happy with...-

-And with that, I will retire to bed. It is much too late, and I know that my conversation with Gauge is woefully more depressing than chicky girl's in the other room.-

It was a blast to my face, for sure... I hadn't even given thought to her harboring any of those feelings or reactions... And I hadn't even thought twice about my decision to pick up the phone... And I know we talked about the convo after the fact... (since this was written while I was on the phone with Destina) but I was still suprised, and quite honestly caught off gaurd and dumbfounded by reading her vent.

So... Whats really going on, whats happening, what am I thinkgin? all this above is just what actually happened... reactions?

Lets start with Jaden...

I'm worried. Nervous, anxious, and scared. Worried and anxious about the apt situation and new developements there... nervous and scared about a solitary, new thought thats entered into my head...

All this talk about california... About moving out there... about possibly ending up with Ace... I've approached it the only way I can, with understanding, with patience, and with the intention of remaining as much her close and best friend as I can.

Well, last night... a new and terrifying thought occured to me... An outcome... a possibility, that had never been whispered in my head before... What if Ace can't handle that? What if he won't accept that? What if that becomes a problem? What if she's literally forced to choose? Its not the same as taking his call instead of talking to me... Its so much bigger than that... What if I end up losing her as a friend, at no fault of my own, but just because its the only way?

Like how my mothers dislike for my gf's eventually finds its way to manifest and wedge its way into my relationships? It may not even be a decision she makes... it could easily just as well end up being a tarnishing of the talks and time we could spend together... by either having to hide it, or fib about it, or just because of the strife she may or may not have to deal with because of it...

What then? What could be done abotu that? How would I be able to take that?

And why hasn't it come up in my head befroe?

Well, I don't know. But its there now, and its freaking me out...


And Destina... Whats going on there? Where is that going? Am I too weak? I'm afraid of the concept.... afraid of the thought, that I may be. That I may be so desperate for that bf gf connection that I turn back to her... only to screw her over again...

And will our friendhsip ever be the same? or will the past always place a shadow over anything else that goes on? Will I ever be able to outrun, comfront or defeat my past actions? Will i ever be able to atone for those sins?

I don't know, and she's just as hard to gauge as she always has been... that bit of mystery, the veil of uncertainty... it always was a bit intoxicating... and always was the bane of my existence...

And now I see it more clearly tan ever... not see through it, just see it... and see it as an obstacle...

And, yeah. it bugs me a bit.

But not nearly as much as the thought of losing Jaden... And I just don't like that thought, at all.

I feel like there was so much more that I wanted to put out here tonight... but the repeated interuptions at wor, the small time to think interupted by several work conversations with the mentor... So many half thoughts, never allowed to finish... followed by the crappy weather, stressful road conditions, and physical exertion of snow care... I think this is all I'll be squaking out, today.

So, thats al folks, thanks for coming along for the ride.