30 - Humbility

What day is it today... Tuesday yeah? I think so. Neway... Tuesday... December 30th... Nother two and a half days until Jaden comes home... Probably concentrate the cleaning effort tomorrow, only ever seem to operate well under pressure... Have thursday off though... maybe i should head home on wed?... no, cause Lexi's got that party she's going to so she won't be there to hang out with anyway... Desi said a friend of hers was taking her out...

Well... Desi... Lets go ahead and fill in that chapter right now before we get any further into this.

Talked to Desi last night after a few days of silence... She got my message... my telll all of sorts... Called me up on her lunch break for a few minutes, long enough to idley chat and let me know she had read it... befure she had to get back to work and was going to call me later after she got done... Which she did. Course in between the calls i managed to get my hopes up/play through various scenarios in my head, which didn't turn out so well for me...

Regardless, she called back later, and we talked. Little bit more idle stuff, and then we got into the real meat... What it boils down to, in the end, is that she's flattered, she understands, and yes shes still attracted to me too, and probably always will be... but. And ofcourse theres a but. but. She's got a boyfriend, and shes very happy with him and right now she feels like he's the one. The rest of the conversation was pretty much spent discussing her boyfriend and why she loves him so much and why things are going well for them and so on and so forth... well, not so much discussed, more like her telling me, and me graciously accepting the information and congratulating her on her happiness. I didn't need a play by play of their relationship, nor did i necesarily care .why. she thought he was the one, the simple answer of thanks but no thanks was more than acceptable to me... Eventually the conversation manuevered away from the boyfriend and towards her and some of the changes shes made over the past year, spotted in there were a few things about me and my progression, talked about her mother and stepfather for a bit... oh how i miss talking with them... and then she got home and that was the end of the convo...

So, officially, thats the first time in my life i've been rejected/turned down. I don't know if its because i fear the rejection so much that i've never taken a chance, or if i just study and wait until i'm already sure of the answer before i ask, or just pure coincidence... not sure... But, it wasn't fun. Not that it was suprising... Out of the various outcomes that were possible, the thanks but not thanks was pretty high up on the probability list... But, it does suck. If there was anyone in my life who i could feel comfortable with entrusting myself to, anyone i know well enough to consider as a significant other... anyone who meets all my requirements and fits the bill, Its Desi. And its tough, but also a knock to the back of the head because its no ones fault but my own. If i'd done things differently last year, then Desi and I would have gotten together, and probably stayed together, and i'd be the person she was happy with and turning down other people to stay with. But, i screwed that up all on my own. So... Congratulations me.

Where to from here? Well, now i have intense feelings and attractions to two of my closest, oldest friends, both of whom i've dated and slept with... Who are both happy with other boys than me. Its a nightmare of a situation, to be sure. But, When it boils down in life, what do i really want to have? Two awesome freinds who i know will be there for me when I need them to, or a relationship with one of my close friends that may or may not work out and may or may not end in a way as to eliminate the option of further friendship?

Logic says i'm better off with a pair of great friends, and I'll just have to swallow whatever other feelings i have for either of them, and drive on with life.

So, back to plans for this week... And Desi going out with her friend on wed... Maybe i shouldn't even think about going up there... So soon after last night... We haven't ever seen each other and not had something happen... Which isn't to say its not possible... But, I can't tell myself right now that I'd turn her down or stop things, especially since its something i think i very much want... and new years eve and going out will almost certainly mean alcohol... and my track record with that and things happening between freinds isn't all that spotless, either...

*sighs*

idk... maybe i'll mention the idea to her, and see what she has to say about it... Maybe she'll be uncomfortable with it and make the decision for me... or maybe she'll convince me that its safe and that she won't let nething happen... Or something.

Maybe something else will come up... but i doubt it. I don't have ne friends around here anymore that invite me to nething, so i don't expect to hear about any other new years parties coming up netime soon.

Probably end up at home watching some movies or playing some video games... watch out for this party animal, huh?

*long sigh*

I'm really not sure what to do, now... The thought of the possibility of something cultivating between me and Desi was sort of keeping my head above the water that keeps rising from the Jaden and Ace side of things... Without that for an occasional bouy, well, I'm not sure what i'm going to have to look forward to so much, nemore.

I mean, people who care about you, and love you, and want to be with you, and all of that stuff... they don't just drop out of the sky and land on your doorstep... circumstances have to occur, situations have to be lived in, and al fo that to produce a relationship like that... And i don't think between my apt, and the mail room at work i'm going to find my stars lining up for that sort of an encounter... So where does that leave me?

alone. Thats where that leaves me. So very, very, alone.

What a mess i've made of my life and for myself. its enough to hate myself for it... it really is. especially when you look at the web thats been weaved...

Desi and I met online before Nut-Meg and I started dating... Desi actually caused Nut-meg and me to have the conversation that led to us dating. Desi and i met in person and finally gave in to the attraction and the sparks between us 3 years later while i was with my ex-fiance... Jaden met Desi then... And then Desi and I started dating that next summer, but after a few months of no communication, I ended up with my ex-gf, and joining the army... Then 2 years later, Desi and I almost got back together and I almost broke up with me ex-gf for Desi... but stayed with the gf... who broke up with me 4 months later when i got home from the deployment... then I went to see Desi and we hooked up... and instead of getting over the ex-gf and realizing what i had in Desi... I kept pining over the ex until Jaden and I started hanging out, which led to Jaden and I hooking up... and we all know what happened with Jaden and I after that...

So now here I am... some 7 or 8 years after first meeting Desi... after all that tanled web... still friends but nothing more... not for lack of wanting, not for lack of needing, not for lack of trying... and not for lack of attraction/feelings... just for lack of... whatever the hell it is thats caused all these events and actions and decisions and chaos...

I can't even count the number of 'what ifs' that could be found in that long sordid history. what if i would have asked Desi out instead of Nut-meg... What if i wouldn't have let the ex gf feelings come inbetween the hurt of not hearing from Desi over that summer... What if i wouldn't have let the ex-gf talk me out of leaving her for Desi while i was deployed... What if i would have stayed with Desi before stuff happened with Jaden... What if.

*shakes head slowly*

Desi said it right last night... 'I don't think i'll ever not be attracted to you.'

Unicorn. Seems she'll always be my Unicorn. Always be the one, that no matter how many times i try, something always happens, and she gets away...

Its too bad. We get along great... Have a lot in common... Have known each other for almost half of our lives... Shes got that red hair... Birthdays are only a day apart... And so much more...

Well, what else is there to do, right? Hope that her boyfriend appreciates the gift lifes given him in her... just like I have to hope that Ace appreciates the gift lifes given him in Jaden... and accept that the better men won, bury the feelings i have deep down inside like Cal Naughton Jr, and never bring them up again. It hurts... But i love them.