So, I can't sleep.
0110 in the morning... and Here I am, sitting on the couch watching Jerry Springer. So sad. I should have medicated earlier tonight... I might have been able to avoid this. Its so late now, I'm afraid to medicate, I don't want to sleep in too late tomorrow and not have time to finsih up the apt.
But can I really go into tomorrow, with the possibilities that tomorrow brings, without some sleep? I'm gonna need the Z's... to keep a level head, and to be prepared for what i might have to deal with. So i guess medicatings gonna end up a must. I've got to get .some. sleep.
*heavy sigh* got a feeling i'm not going to be ready... sleep or not.
Finally managed sleep after the pills... Had some wicked strange dreams last night, though. Jadens connecting flight got delayed about an hour... I just checked the status online and it looks like she should be landing in another forty minutes or so. Then she's gotta get out of the airport, get picked up, do the hellos, catching ups, and goodbyes with Aces family, then the hour and a half drive home...
So it'll be awhile before she gets here.
heh... Thought i'd have more to say this morning... Think i'm just a little numb, honestly. *sighs* well better get going on the rest of this cleanup... Want the place to be presentable before she gets here, and it sure as heck isn't cleaning itself.
Website says her plan got in bout a half an hour ago... Haven't heard from her yet but she's probably busy with Ace's family... getting her bags together and driving back to their place... I'd guess she'll probably talk to them for a little while. They'll probably be curious as to how Ace is doing, and how the visit went and all of that. Probably will be at least noon before she gets in the car and starts heading back this way.... *shrugs* we'll see. At least i got the dishes put away... its a start... we'll see how far i get with the rest of straightening up...
Ok. Vacuum, Check... Litter box, check... Bed made, check, clothes picked up, check. counters cleaned, check... time to take out the trash now... Jaden messaged me to let me know that she got picked up safely a quarter till noon... Hard parts just about to begin i think.
So, I"m asking myself... at what point does being understanding meet its limit? An hour later she's still there, they fed her, ok. She's looking for something... ok... what is something? whats she looking for? At what point do i stop being understanding, and start getting upset? All these changes to the plan, all these audibles, She couldn't have let me know she was going to do lunch there, and stick around for a bit? I mean i had already assumed as much, but she doens't know that... So what gives? or when should I give? When do i stop being understanding and considerate and patient and start being hurt, and dissapointed, and upset? If she hasn't even left yet, She won't be here until probably about three oclock... We took the day off so that we could have some time to talk about the weekend and just relax... not so she could just do whatever she wanted on her way home cause now she doesn't have to go back to work....
What the heck am I supposed to do now? for another two hours? While i'm amped up and worried sick about how today is going to go. How fair is this, to be left here just on stand by, just waiting and waiting for her to get back home? I'm venting now, I know this... But, I can't help it i'm hurt. Do i not matter at all anymore?
I might as well have not taken today off at all, the rate that this is going... Its past one oclock now and she doesn't expect to leave for at least another half hour... An hour and a half drive... She shouldn't be here before three. What the heck am I gonna do for two hours, especially know that i'm on the edge of meltdown mode...
I shouldn't have done the dishes yesterday.... Should have saved them for today. can't even find nething else to do. Just sit here for two hours, waiting for Jaden to come home.... not even knowing what to expect after she comes through the door... Is everything going to go on how it has, will we talk a little about the weekend and just flow seemlessly into tomorrow? Or will this be another day when my life changes? Is she coming home to tell me she's not comfortable with the way things are anymore? is she coming home to tell me that things have happened out on the coast that are going to effect un irreversably? Will tonight be the first night that she chooses the couch, over my bed?
Well i've got tostop thinking about it all. But I can't. Not today. Not now. Not knowing that two hours from now its all hitting the fan, one way or another... Her texts, even the few that she's actually sent, have been truncated, minimal wording and certainly not conducive to a conversation... Whats going on?
Whats about to happen?
Where are we about to go?
if everything was fine and nothing was going to happen, she'd have just went ahead and said so already. She knows exactly what it is i'm worried about and why i'm so stressed about it all. So if it was all going to be ok and I was worrying for no reason, she'd have just said as much already. So what is it, hows it gonna happen, and where will we be when its done?
Do i need lunch? Is that it? Do i just need some food in my stomach to help boost me through this day? I don't think so... I don't think right now I could keep anything down if i tried... And I don't even want to make anything now... i finally got all the dishes done and put away, I don't want to dirty up any more.
ugh, my stomach hurts... I hate this.
1510... Shouldn't be too much longer now and She'll be home... Bring her stuff in... unpack, relax, decompress... whatever... Hows this going to work, I wonder? Is she going to talk? Going to go ahead and tell me stuff? Or am I going to end up asking questions... constantly asking myself if i'm ready for the answers seconds before i ask the questions?
She said yesterday she was emotionally drained, does that transfer to toaday? Is she already going to be thin on patience, am I just going to be irritating her and annoying her if i start asking too much? Should I take it slow, or should i just be blunt and to the point?
Too many unknowns. Thats what it comes down to. Well sooner rather than later i'll make some of the unknowns into knowns, I think... Sooner the better... I think. Just need to shake out of it and relax. Deal with what comes, wing it right? one thing at a time, one day at a time, one breath, at a time...
Relax.
texts are flowing through now... almost like any other normal day... Plans have seemed to change a bit... She said she's hungry, and I"m starved... having not eaten since the subway last night... and that was all i'd had since the supper on sunday... And I don't want to mess up the kitchen I just cleaned without her at least seeing it... so It looks like we'll be going out to eat once she gets home... Subway... Culvers... Fazolis... Something like that... Wonder if talking will happen then or if she'll want to wait until we get back here and after we get the car unloaded... *shrugs* We'll see i suppose... She was just getting onto the 380 ramp.... still gonna be a half hour or so before she gets here... So... I'll just wait and be as patient as i can be... And we'll see what happens....
Dinner went alrighti suppose... came home and put stuff away... put ina movie... she asked me aboutmy weekend but didn't divulge anything about her own....
And, three hours since she's been homw, he's texting and calling. Heh... I get a whole three hours of her time, and he's back in the mix. He just had four days of her time... Whatever. Guess i shouldn't have expected any different... I mean, i know i live with her so its sorta different... but she can't even text me when shes with someone... but she can not only text him back, but take his call in the middle of a movie?
Things weren't goingallthat bad, either... I mean, yeah... she hans't said a word about her trip... but she was at least smiling, and conversing... and she moved stuff in... thats got to be a sign that at least she must not be planning on moving out right away... right?
*sighs* well, with any luck this won't be a two hour call... But, honestly, do i care right now? damages done, yeah? Regardless of how long she spends on the phone now... It doesn't take two hours to talk about a sock she left there... but, then again, maybe it does for them.
Even if it is a short call, how am i suppose to act afterwards...? She hasn't said anything about him or them or the trip so i don't know what might or might not have happened or been talked about... and she went to the other room to take the call? Part of that could be meant to spare me from having to hear, or part of it might be that its something im not suppose to hear?
*heavier sigh*
Another four hours and I'm going to need to go to bed... theres not much time left to go over anything... And going to work tomorrow with this stuff unresolved isn't going to be a fun thing... But, what else can I do, right?
whatever.
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