06 - Cowbell

Wow, where to begin todays blog...

Last night was full of things to catch up on...

Alright, lets see... First off... Basketball. After work yesterday I high-tailed it to my lil sis's BBall game across town. Which they won, on a free throw. It was pretty exciting. And its fun to just watch the sis do what she does. I still find it intriguing even after all this time that she's become such a real and individual person. So far of a cry from the little toddler i grew up with, ya know?

Well, as i was watching the game/photographing the game/talking to Mom, dearest mumsy decided to start asking me questions about the phantom boy friend named 'scott' my sister has. This 'scott' that my sister has convinced my mother is so shy that he can't meet her, and my mother has bought the story so far as to let the sis leave with 'scott' without checking whos actually picking her up, and lets the sis have 'scott' over in the basement and not go down to check on them... So anyway last sunday we watched the bears game downstairs with 'scott' who was really named drew... but mom wanted to know about 'scott' last night... like what he looked like and if he was nice, tall short fat skinny you get the jist....

talk about an awkward situation. i bluffed my way through it as best as I could and managed to get out unscathed, but it certainly wasn't fun.

The game lasted a bit longer than i'd anticipated, and the sis took a lot longer than i'd have liked to change in the locker room... So i had to high tail it all the way back to the other side of town to get ready for the hockey game Jaden and I were going to. We actually mananged to make it on time, get our tickets and sit down in the wrong seats twice before we got where we needed to be and then the face off happened. exciting for sure.

Jaden had a great time, and I'm glad. I'd only wished i'd been able to take her to one of them while we were still together, but it just wasn't in the cards... A season ticket holder behind us found out it was her first rough rider game, and made sure that she had a cowbell nearly instantly... our rough riders need their cowbell. Personally i can't stand the cowbells... My mom was severly over-zealous with the cowbell thing when we first started going to the games... and it tarnished the instrument for me for life... But, the game was still fun... Had a lot of coors light.. a hotdog and we split some nachos...

Riders won by like 9-1 or something like that... it was a real blowout. so that was neat...

We got home, eventually... and i unfortunately broke a standup mirror that was left precariously placed in the bathroom from Jaden doing her hair before the game... My fault for bumping it, her fault for leaving it there when she was done... so in the end it was just an accident... but it was still not so fun.. she really liked the mirror. In the back of my head i wonder if i'm going to have seven years of bad luck now? because lately i've felt like my lucks been bad enough without a curse....

So, after we got that cleaned up, it was on to watching Bee Movie... needed something upbeat and fun to salvage the mood of the night... toss in a few rum and cokes... and the tingely buzz was going around. And to be honest i can't remember how anything really got started, initially... but as the movie went on, the tingely buzz turned into some charged friendliness... When things started to escelate to a point that i felt something was going to happen, i stopped what i was doing and made sure to get some eyecontact and ask if things were ok...

Jaden and I had had a conversation two or three ngiths ago pertaining to just precisely the kind of night last night turned out to be, and I'd told her then that I .do. have the ability to say no and to stop things if that is something she wanted me to do... So to honor that conversation... even though the rest of me was certainly not wanting to stop anything, I did and asked if she was ok and if this was ok.

to which she responded with a resounding affirmative, and the rest of the movie is pretty much a blur for me. what that means for our at home situation again is ofcourse left to be sorted later.... Just before sleep time came around, Jaden got to feeling icky... a combo of hot dog, nachos, coors, rum and coke, and popcorn probably had soemthing to do with that... She spent some time in the bathroom and then ended up out here on the couch with a bucket... So i came out too, and laid down on the loveseat to keep an eye onher... medic isntincts die hard and i wasn't about to go to sleep in the bedroom and risk having her roll over in her sleep and then end up aspirating her vomit and chokign to death or soemthing... So i stayed out here and kept an eye on her... round four this morning she seemed to wake up, and I asked her if she was feeling alright, and she responded clearly enough, and said that she thought she was alright... and that she felt like she'd gotten everything out and taken care of... I stuck around and tried to talk a little more to her to get a feel for how she was doing, and when satisfied, let her know i was headingback into the bedroomthen.

Hour or so later I think is when she came in and climbed back into bed... think she needed some time to get her legs under her and know that moving wouldn't cause any more nautiousness.. which is fair enough. So she came to bed and we slept... not sure when she ended up getting up... but she got all her alkyhall out last night... so no hangover for her... myself on the other hand, not so lucky and i was in bed for much of the morning...

there wasn't much communication this morning before she left for work... and I'm unsure if it was due to me and my situation, or if that was how she'd wanted it to be.

either way, she let me know that the snow didn't look like it hit us all that much last night and she'd decided to go ahead and have her trip tonight to hometown. k. She still hadn't mentioned what or who she was going to do or see while on this trip, and it perturbed me a bit... If she was seeing her parents she'd have said she was going to her parents,not to the town itself... so once i managed to get out of bed i texted her about it. Letting her know she could tell me what she wanted and all that...

turns out she's going to Ace's parents place, like i'd assumed since hte first time she'd mentioned the trip... Going to be helping them help and elderly neighbor of theirs put up her christmas tree and then going out for chinese food.

*shrugs a bit* i don't think it bothers me nearly as much as i'd thought it would. only real concern i have is why she didnt' just let me know from the get-go... *shrugs again* idk. maybe we'll talk about it tomorrow, maybe not... just like maybe we'll talk about last ngiht sometime, or maybe not.

today is the sis's birthday. Mom sis and I will be going to a 'riders game tonight, now. should be fun enough. Not sure what else we may or may not be up to during the day before the game... but thats because i haven't called mom yet to find out.

Tomorrow is sunday and that ussually means laundry, bears game, movie supper movie movie...

well, i'm assuming she's spending the night at Ace's place... since she said she'd be trying to get home for the game... So laundry is out... and we'll just have to see how the game goes and go from there, i suppose. depending on the sleep i get tonight, maybe i'll be able to go take care of the laundry without her... we'll see i guess.

I still haven't managed to find something for my sister for her birthday. I feel like now that we have a relationship thats much mroe than just living in the same house and being in the smae family... ican't just go out and buy her some game she wants or soemthing... i feel likethe gift needs to mean something... which probably doens't matter to her she prolly just wants money or something... but, for me its a big deal... and I think i need to hurry up and get off my bum and take care of that, today.

I think thats about it for now, really... stomachs still torn up, trying to decide if its a coffee to stale it out day or if i'm just gonna have to grit my teeth on this one... get dressed and head out to the city proper...find something for sis before its time to meet her and mom for the rest of the day's activities.

Thanks for tuning in and reading and all that.

Ickness... looks like some flurries starting up here in the CR area... forecast says theres the chance for more of the same where Jaden is heading... and after a coworkers son got into a serious accident this week i'm a little hypersensitive about that. It says flurries though... certainly not a snow .storm. and Sundays supposed to be clear until late-day when it seems like some rain/snow mix might be coming our way...

*crosses fingers a bit*

Her blog said she needed to get out for a bit... Don't know necessarily if that means out as in away from me, out as in outof the apt, or out as in just some new scenery... I'm hoping its one of the latter choices... I'd hate to think that she's needing to go somewhere to spare herself from spending any more time with me... And i'd like to think thats not the case because she's leaving on a day i've already got plans to be out on, anyway... But, either way if she needs out she needs out... and hopefully it will do her some good. Her friend needs to get back from Missouri soon so that they can hang out too... next week i think she said. That will hopefully be good for her.

either way i just hope the weather stays nice and calm so that she can go do what she needs to do and get home safe and ina timely manner... And i'll just go about my day here and celebrate the sisters bday in style.

Unexpected turn of events, i suppose... Got a text from Jaden a few minutes ago... saying that when we get a chance, she needs to talk to me.

instant anxiety after something like that. for sure.

After some nervous responses and a small textual conversation, determined that shes going to try to come home an hour or so early so that we can talk before she leaves for her mini-trip. Also found out that part of it is about last night, and part of it is how or where me move on from there.

Which, isn't the lightest topic, and probably won't be the most pleasant of talks, i'm sure... but its far less severe than what I'd been fearing it could be. Had all sorts of not good thoughts as to what the 'talk' topic could be.

Even being so, I've no clue what her mind-set might be right now... Or what she's going to have to say. So i'm pretty nervous about that. Honestly i've not got a clue, because I really didn't expect last night to happen the way it did in the first place. I'd really thought that when we'd talked about things the other night she'd made it pretty clear that that sort of stuff was out of the picture, and I very much didn't expect anything. Which is why i made sure to pause last night to ask if things were ok. But now that she's saying we need to talk... I'm wondering if I should have done more than that. if I should have disregarded the ngith and the mood and how things felt and just put down a foot and stopped the whole thing cold.

I want to think i didn't betray her trust in our discussion from earlier this week... I mean, i guess that then I told her about the fact that I could say .no. when needed... did she take that differently? or more literally? I mean, I wasn't trying to be subtle about anything and i meant what I said... But last night didn't feel like a needing to say no situation... and I felt that stopping the action, and actually asking her if she was ok with this, I felt that was adequate... and She didn't say anything differently last night...

So now what? Now i wait. Wait until she gets home and we can talk about this... And hope that the talk goes well... Not well as in one way over another, or anything like that... Just... well. Hopefully what needs to be addressed will be and what needs to be settled will be and when it is all said and done, everything will be ok.

*crosses fingers*

well. Fuck.

*heavy sigh* just got a reply back from Jaden. Saying 'i think i .do. want to move out, but it's not directly b.c of last night's antics'

Fuck Fuck Fuck.

Why?!

I .just. made a transition from roommates with benefits, to roommates. And it was .huge. for me. A .huge. overcoming of all of this crap that i've been dragging myself through. Accepting and realizing that I could be her friend again... that I could hang out with her that way again, and let go of her and the past. Its been three friggin days!!!

Now what? She wants to move out now?

Are you kidding me? Three days after her trip. After i went through all of that stress about being left in the dark, about worrying abotu what was going on... and then she came home and i found out what happened, and suddenly our lifestyle is changing... and I was as cool with that as I think anyone could ever ask someone to be... She even said so herself that I was making it way easier than she'd anticipated...

So why? Why now? Why so friggen soon?

Fuck Fuck Fuck

I'm sorry if i'm freaking out but I do .not. think I'm ready to live on my own yet! I need some time to transition... I need some time to find some friends, to get some aquaintances, to figure out how to go about living without having Jaden here in the apt with me, to figure out how to do daily life without someone always at your side.

And now I've got all this furniture in here that She brought out of storage... and she just brought more stuff in on Tuesday! I mean, i guess i can be blamed for reading too far into that. I saw her moving more stuff in as a sure sign that she wasn't about to wnat to move out anytime soon.

And I def figured she would want to move into the living room WAY WAY WAY before she wanted to move out for good! I mean, what. why. I just don't understand?! What is so repulsive about me that no one ever wants to stay with me?! What do I do to cause all of this!?

Fuck

And on my sisters Birthday...

*takes a huge handful of heavy breaths*

Well regardless, any way I need to calm the fuck down if this conversations going to happen and if its going to stay civil and all of that. I need to remeber that I'm an understanding person and that I think about others before myself and that whats important is that our friendship remains safe and intact and I'll just have to adjust and get used to more and more...

I'm just so tired of always being the one that compromises, always being the one that makes the sacrifices, and always being the one who's left high and dry in the end.