So today I've got one of the old timers hanging out with me, sort of as an extra training session... Which means I've not got a lot of time to do the ussual non-work related sorts of things that I'd normally be up to on any other day at work...
Meaning I've not got a lot of time to type up a blog post, today...
Last night ended up being fairly busy... but not in a stressful or really hectic sort of way... just... filled with stuff... Couple movies were on, talked a little with Jaden about some stuff... Destina called me back and spoke briefly with her while supper was getting made... sat down to eat and while movie-ing... and into the next movie Jaden started succumbing to sleep... at the time i thought she was still iming with Ace but I think i was wrong by the quickness of her being able to close the computer and head to bed... so, *shrugs a bit* ended up being an early night as far as latelys been... Which probably had something to do with it feeling busy...
What we talked about? California... and the probability of the possibility that the end of next year could very well signify her departure there-abouts... I'd asked her about the two bedroom situation and the thoughts on the duration of that sort of arrangement.. .Obviously I don't need a two bedroom for myself, and wouldn't want to move out of my apt, to get a two bedroom, only to end up needing to move back into a one bedroom when the lease was up and she was leaving. And upon her telling me that there wouldn't be a possibility of her staying in a two bedroom with me past an initial lease length, well that pretty much put the kabash on that discussion. Which led to the California talk...
Its obviously driven by the fact that Ace is prolly ending up there... and should things continue to go well between them she plans on following him there. Which... Sucks. Sucks cause i'd rather not see her end up with him, but sucks even worse because its SO far AWAY. She's the closest friend I have and I want to be friends for life... Lifetime friends... I want her to eventually be a friend of my family, when I make one... So close that she ends up an Aunt instead of a friend... And frankly i find it hard to see that eventuallity if she's moving out to the coast. :( With the troubles and hardships of keeping contact with friends who are afar... Especially considering how close we are now and going from that to that much distance... no movie nights, no motorcycle rides, no catch int he park, no walks... no back rubs or ameobas.... Its going to be a huge change, and a huge blow to the complextion of the friendship...
I'm not saying we'll become less of a friend to each other... but its going to be tough, and different... and just so very challenging... and sad. its going to be sad. Not having her around. So theres that. Most of the evening was spent with me sadly looking into that future, that future where she's out there and no where around here... Looking into that 24 hour drive... that 450 dollar plane ticket... that once or twice a year meeting... depressing to say the least.
And then last night. Last night was a tough night for me. Maybe it was the wine... Maybe it was the subject matter of the previous discussion... but after she stopped herself from saying something that she said wasn't appropriate... and we laid down for the night... Oh how i so wanted to be closer. First time in awhile that I'd even had thoughts, like that... but... They happen. And I was able to push them away and at least get some sleep, so all is well. If i ever want to be able to stabalize my emotions and get through this mess... I've got to be able to take care of that sort of stuff from the inside. And so thats what I did and will have to continue to do. With each passing day she inadvertantly makes it clearer and clearer that I no longer interest her at all in a non-friend capacity, and that she doesn't entertain any sort of thoughts or perceptions of anything other than a friendship between us. And thats something that I've got to continue to take in stride and accept and get over. Its just so hard, knowing what we once were, and its just so hard to try to understand how all of that can be gone, in her eyes.
In other news... Busy weekend ahead... Bears game tonight... Work X-mas party tomorrow, Hockey game on Saturday... ketchup shopping on sunday, and then barreling right back into monday morning blues and the workweek from thereon.
Maybe more later... We'll see.
No comments:
Post a Comment