09 - Inky

Post monday report... There ended up not being much time to talk last night before sleep time, Def don't feel like anything was brought up or approached or dealt with. Had a crappy night as far as sleep goes. Def think its time to start medicating again.

Asked Jaden if she felt like there were more nights like last night ahead of us, meaning the fact that she was home for 4 hours, and spent 3 of them talking to him... She didn't really give an answer that I was looking for, but, what can one do about that? She proceeded to give me a time-table of Ace's deployment schedule... the various excercises here and there over the next half year or so... And I couldn't help but notice her mentioning of leave here and there in that schedule, too. I can only imagine and assume that that leave is going to include them seeing each other again. She said something about him feeling like he can't count on his other friends and that they'd left him hanging or something along those lines... Which could be true, I suppose... but even that being so, nearly 4 and a half hours of last night was spent with them either texting, iming, or talking on the phone... it was pretty much 90% of the time that she had from being off of work, to going to bed.

Not only is that a bit excessive i think for friends to be talking for that long, especially since its not like they hadn't just talked the day before... But, She wonders why she doesn't seem to have a lot of time to get things taken care of? Well, that was a good solid four hours that could have been spent reading, or working on her finance program, or making her blanket, or any other number of things.

She got her email back from her dad, this morning... And said she was releived and feeling pretty good, and has remained in that good sort of mood for the duration of the morning thus far... And i can't lie and say that I'm a little worried. It makes it sound like he told her exactly what she was wanting to hear, by her reaction to his words... and i worry about what it was she might have been wanting to hear. I remember that it was his advice a year ago that encouraged her to explore her feelings for me and to follow that path. What might he have told her, this time? Hard to know without knowing what it was she asked.

And she doesn't seem to be in the sharing mood as much, lately. For whatever reason. I'm looking at places today... two bedrooms... hoping maybe if i can find a nice, feasable two bedroom in the area, that maybe that would take the edge off of her wanting to move out quite so fast... and cool her heels a bit on all this change, stuff. But on the other hand, for all i know, the email this morning might have just cvonvinced her that she's leaving for sure, and that she's going to do it by the weekend!

idk..

Tattoos tonight... getting hers touched up and mine finished... hopefully. maybe if it doesn't take too long we can talk afterwards... But, i'm not holding my breath that Ace won't be calling... maybe even while i'm getting mine done and she'll answer like she always does... stop doing whatever she's doing like she always does, to talk to him. leave me alone in the chair to get inked, to talk to him. I can hope it doesn't happen. and thats what i'll do. But to not think of it as a possibility would just be silly.

*slow sigh*

And, to be frank, i'm a bit miffed about how she described their interaction last night. That because they were never friends before they started dating and stuff, that they just always have a very flirtatious friendship and its just very easy to slip back into those old ways and natural for them.

Well. Hello. Red Flag mabye? Perhaps thats one of the reasons why things get so blurred and things happen so much? Maybe if you're wanting to work on a core friendship before thinking about the chances of a relationship, you should develope a core friendhsip first? Instead of a half dating friendship?

And it miffs me, because I feel like I'm the only one out of the three of us thats following any sort of rules. The only one thats under any sort of restrictions. Because I certainly refrain from saying anything remotely flirtatious or inapropriate towards or at her, out of respect for the situation and understanding of the dynamics involved and at play, here. And frankly i don't understand Why I should have to do that, if neither of them are?

Idk. I just can't see how one can be openly flirtatious and have intimately charged conversations, even if they aere meant to be levity or in a joking manner, can't see how one can have and do that, and not see that its only going to lead on to more. mixed messages aside.

i'm just gettin greally tired of feeling really good after something, and the very next day having that feel good ladder ripped out from under my feet. Seems like every time Jaden and I get a chance to really talk or communicate or bond or anything like that, its not any more than a day later that Ace swoops in and steals the show and it feels like whenever that happens i get tossed back to square one and have to restart building back her trust and her open-ness and her friendliness and her willingness to give me some of her time. And I'm at a distinct disadvantage because she will give him priority 9 times out of 10... So theres truly not fair way to win. And I'm not about to start being an asshole and trying to win some other way than the fair way... and win isn't even the right word, because its really not a contest and theres not really a prize at the end of the race or anything... But thats the only way I can describe it... I feel like whenever jaden and I make a step towards cementing this friendship, he comes in right before it drys and hardens and washes it away.

Not a fun place to be in.

Now I've got to go deliver this mail. I'll be back later.

I feel this... indignance... This... spitefullness... building up in me. An unpleasantness... Stemming from past events and interpretations of them. And I feel it rising... rising and trying to overtake me. Trying to shout and cry out that I'm tired of always being the nice guy, always being the understanding guy, and always being the decent, sweet, sensitive and thoughtful guy. Because i'm tired of getting stepped on.

I feel like all I get from doing all these things that my values and morals and ethic fiber tell me are the right things to do, is a one way ticket to loserville. population me. I mean, its all I know how to be or do... And its a powerful drive inside of me that will literally stop words from being said, even when they've made it all the way to the tip of my tongue.

Jaden explains it perfectly when she uses the analogy of milk to pudding... She says she feels like things with me are moving through milk, when she expects them to be trudging through pudding... Essentially, i am .not. a stick in the mudd, though she seems to think i would have rights to behave that way... and half expects/ed it.

*rubs face a bit*

But is that not just who I am? Is that not who Ryan is, even Kumar was still like that... Is it time I became someone else? Is it time i introduced the world to a new me? A completely different me? Could i create a Gauge that was none of those things? A complete alter ego that shares nothing with my former self? Would that be possible? To stop being understanding? To stop caring? To stop sacrificing for others? To be an asshole?

Feels like a betrayl to me.

But that does nothing to help stop the feeling that the way I am now just leads to feeling betrayed...

It certainly leads to being left... To being forgotten, to being washed away like dirt on someones hands...

Oh how I yearn for simpler times. Older times... When none of this ever-present uncertainty had entered into my life.

Waiting for emails back from a few places around with two bedroom possibilities... But I still don't know where Jaden is at, post dad conversing...

Ugh. I just feel like crying today.

She mentioned last night, when she came to bed, that the last few nights she's been convinced shes going to be staying on the couch, and it hasn't happened yet...

I told her how glad I was that it hasn't.

Told her how hard it is to sleep in the bed alone when I know she's not even in the apt... Told her I couldn't imagine what it would be like knowing she was sleeping in the other room instead.

Not a pleasant thought.

I've got to stop for now... this isn't going anywhere productive. Be back later.