04 - Darklight

So now what? So now where?

Why yesterday? Why last night? What happened, What clicked, or what broke?

I don't know for sure... Maybe it was Nutmegs iteration... and part of it probably was... part of it probably came from a reaffirmation of Destinas advice from the day before... But there had to have been something else... Something inside of me... Did enough of the strings that attatched my heart to hers wear thin?

Whatever it was, its done. So I guess now its time to get used to it.

I told her last night, as we settled down to talk, That I still didn't like it. Still wasn't happy about it, and still surely didn't want to do it... But, that even those three things being so, I felt, finally really felt, like i could let her go. And its all true. I don't like it. I'm not happy about it. And I don't want to do it. I feel like i still love her. I feel like I still want to be with her, and I don't know when or if that will ever change.

But for the here and now... I think i've finaly managed to allow myself to understand that no matter what i try to hang on to, or what i try to say or do... Its not going to change anything. And, I just have to let her go. Be her friend again.

Last night was really the first night that i feel like i actually heard her tell me that she was confused... Since the breakup, that is. And it was a slight bit of relief... takes a load off my heart to know that she's not just leaving me high and dry for Ace. But, while talking to Nutmeg yesterday... she brought up a pretty blunt and blatant point about something i'd blogged the other day... about Jaden needing to find herself... and that she couldn't do that if she was attatching herself to Ace... and, for obvious reasons i hadn't ever seen or understood it myself... but nutmeg pointed out, that, maybe she couldn't do that while with me, either.

duh, right? And i probably knew it, somewhere, but wasn't letting myself think it because its not the type of answer i want to hear.

And i like to say i'm a believer in fate... when i'm asked about stuff that deals with it... but how much of a hypocrite would i be if i didn't believe in it now?

They always like to say, you know, those hallmark type people... If you love something, you have to let it go. and if it comes back to you, you know its meant to be. or something like that. I never have bought into that saying in and of itself... But, I find myself now, looking at it as my true only option.

I love her right now. And I don't know if thats going to be permanent or not. She said last night she can't see a future with me or Ace right now... and thats part of the confusion part i mentioned earlier... well. I've got to let her go. Let her have her space and let her find herself... And if she decides, after shes done all that, that she might see a future with me again... Well, we can hope that I'll still be loving her then. If not, then it will end up being an oppurtunity lost, yeah?

And i don't mean it in a bad way... because i'm not that self centered, egotystical type... but... I hope she knows and understands jsut waht and who it is that she's risking losing... I'm always going to be her friend. Its not a question of that... But, I can't very well just sit around and cultivate a love for her thats not being returned, and waiting around for the chance that someday it might... And this is all getting way far into the what if realm, but... She's not going to find a better boyfriend than me. Im not trying to toot my own horn or anything like that... Its just how I feel. And i can only hope that its something she might realize before my heart heals up and decides to go somewhere else.

But for now, Friends we will be. I was friends with her once... I've got to remember how to do that again. And somehow, I've got to learn how to live life for me... For myself, and not an .us. Its been so long since i've not had an .us. mindset on life... And to be honest the last time i didn't have an .us. mindset on life i really wasn't .living. because i was only a freshman in high school. But its got to be possible. So many other people do it every day. If i set my mind to it, i've got to be able to do it too.

It'll be a long and winding sort of road, for sure... Uncharted territory, but i have little choice else.

Lots of things won't ever be the same again... Paralyzer, by finger eleven... finding nemo, red vs blue, wall-e... wine for dinner... riding the motorcycle... and plenty of other stuff that will probably sneak up on me and remind me that it used to be a Jaden and me, thing... but Change is inevitable, right? All you can do in life is try to keep up with it the best that you can. So thats what I'll do. Take everything a day at a time. Try to find the Gauge that lives for Gauge... meet him... and see if he's someone i can accept being.

Theres alot that I'm going to miss... Even when I knew it was superficial, surface level creature comforts... It was nice to know that i could come home and curl up into a ball, sprawled out oever her lap and she'd hug me close... Nice to know that the emotional shelter was there... And thats going to be tough to adjust to. because i have days, and more often now than ever, when i feel like thats what i really need, is just someone to ameoba into, just cause.

And the support... The emotional supports going to be the biggest challenge to live without... especially with where i am in life right now... I mean, I have a decent job, one that i could probably live off of for some time before i'd need to get too concerned about it... But, I can't do this my whole life... Sooner or later i'm going to need to figure out what it is i'm going to do with my life and i'm going to have to go back to school to get there... And damned if i hadn't planned on doing that with Jaden backing me up, and helping me along the way.

*dimminuitive shrug and sigh* well, todays thrusday. lets live for thursday today... That means getting through todays work day, and grocery/cd shopping tonight... And then getting some sleep to live for Friday.

I'll be alright. Its like i used to always say... back in the day. I'll be alright, cause I'm me. I'm always alright. Thats just the way it is.