But I told her something, and It hurt her. And I still am not ok with that. I can't even remember why it came up, really. But I mentioned to her that even while she and I were still together and there were tentative plans for her to go see Ace when he came back over thanksgiving, I still would have feared and worried and more than not expected things to happen between them, much the same as what happened after we broke up and she went out to the coast to see him.
She felt as though I was saying I expected her to Cheat on me... Which I tried to assure her was not in any way what I was trying to say... But I guess it seemed that way to her and thats what matters in the end, I suppose.
I don't know that I can necessarily be blamed... though... Given they're histories, given the the propensity for change and spur of the moment-ness... Given that I knew she was dreaming about him and her, that I knew she still had feelings for him, that I knew she was missing him, and That I knew she wasn't happy with me anymore, and that I knew what had happened when she wasn't happy with him and they were having problems and she visited me.... Well, it was hard to tell myself anything else but that things would probably happen and that we'd probably be over...
Digressing, though, because thats been said and done and I certainly can't take it back or make it better...
We talked alot last night... Things got pretty deep at times and not so deep, at others... Talking about the time she'll be spending with him in December... and again in the upcoming spring... The possibility or whatever it is of them decided to get together .before. he goes on his deployment as opposed to after.. and the intricacies of sport bike riding jerks that will probably hit on her and try to pick her up during the riding season this spring.
Talked alot about Destina, both directly and in-directly... Along the lines of me and my propensities to attatch myself to someone when I feel alone. I really don't want to repeat any mistakes that I've made before in life, but at the same time i'm scared that I can't tell myself that I wouldn't jump at the chance, either.
Bout time to go on this mail/paper run and I've got to get going on it... But I'll be back later, add more to this... My minds just full of stuff these days and its all got to find a way out, one way or another.
"Keep changing your mind.
Like clouds in the sky.
Love me when your high.
Leave me when you cry.
I know it all takes time.
Like a river running dry when the suns to bright.
So long this is good-bye.
May we meet again in another life.
Like strangers passing by.
May we see clearly in a different light.
Keep dodging lights.
Like a thief in the night.
The sun will rise and expose all our lies.
So why deny that you and I lead different lives.
The rivers from your eye's can't change my mind.
So long this is good-bye.
May we meet again in another life.
Like strangers passing by.
May we see clearly in a different light.
Oh...
The rivers from your eye's can't change my mind.
So long this is good-bye.
May we meet again in another life.
Like strangers passing by.
May we see clearly in a different light."
Thirty more minutes, then I go on my final run of the day, and get ready for the slushy drive home.
So whats on my mind, now? Lots. Always lots.
Its incoherent, now, though. Thoughts aren't forming solidly.
I'm lost again.
I feel like something i'e written today has caused some distress in Jaden, and not knowing what or why is weighing heavily on my shoulders.
I certainly don't want to be hurting her or causing her non-good feelings. Intentionally or not.
My backs killing me... between snow care last night and paper order today i'm a walking corpse when it comes to my back.... I haven't really written anything this second go around... But, maybe thats ok? Maybe the stress I feel is just general stress from a stressful life? *small shrug* Guess I'll see later on into the day.
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