[ ] - Twenty Four Hours

Ok... So try this one on for size. Breaking Point was four hours... Its now been twenty four hours since the last time Jaden's bothered to text me. Can I lie and say that i'm not hurt by that? Absolutely not.

What can I do about that?

Absolutely nothing.

She knows. She knows i'm nervous, knows i'm anxious, knows that i worry. And she even said in her last text last night that she'd talk to me tomorrow. Which is now today. So. Yeah. I'm hurt.

Honestly I don't think I deserve it.

Part of me wonders if this is her way of getting a message sent to me. I remember from the time that I looked at her myspace messages, that she said to one of her friends she hoped she wouldn't have to pack up all her stuff to get the message through to me that we needed to break up. That was while i was still trying to find some way to make things work out.... is this her newest version of that? Showing me she can fly accross the country to hang out with Ace, and forget about me for the weekend?

Because that is .exactly. how I feel right now. Regardless of whether its true or not. I feel absolutely and completely forgotten. Like I never even mattered in the first place. And it does .not. feel good.

*shrugs a bit, with a frantic sigh*

I don't know. I don't know what else to say. It is what it is. And god am I tired of saying that. Maybe I'll get the bed time text tonight. Maybe I won't. whatever.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And counting.

Its hard to believe... that the Jaden I know, the Jaden I love... could do this. Knowing what she knows about how I feel... Its hard to believe that she couldn't possibly find a way to send one single text message to me today. Not one.

And I'm supposed to be able to sleep tonight? seriously?

I'm supposed to make it through tonight? into tomorrow? will i even hear from her then, when she leaves him and his barracks to spend the night with her other friend there because his leave is over? Will i hear from her again at all before she gets back here?

Does this not seem like a big deal, to her? Did I not make it clear enough? How anxious i was about this whole thing? Or does she just not care? She's going to do what shes going to do and have her fun and Gauge be damned?

*shakes head slowly*

I don't want to believe that. I don't want to believe that shes knowingly keeping me in the dark here. That shes purposefully not messaging me. But, whats the alternative? Is something wrong? did something happen? A car accident? Drunk driver? I mean... .anything. could happen. And how would i ever know if something did? Who's going to think to let me know if somethings happened to her?

Am I over-reacting? yeah well maybe I am a little... But, i mean wtf, right? If she knows how much I care about her and knows how much I worry, a 'hey i'm still alive' would suffice. Instead I'm laying here, forcing myself to not text her so that I don't bother her or ruin her good time or look like the pathetic needy ex boyfriend i am...

Forcing myself to remain here, to stay in the dark... while i worry that something could have happened to her... or could be happening to her...

And I know she said they had an 'outing' planned... fine. maybe it was a late night sort of outing... but a text to let me know they were headed out and that it was going to be a late night, would that have been too much to ask? its getting well on midnight there already.

*sighs*

Hopefully all those sleep meds will kick in soon and I won't have to lay awake here thinking about all of this until the morning. Maybe by then she'll have decided I matter.

maybe.