Alright... Well, i appologize in advance for the way this blog turns out, now, since its going to be a re-type... and they're never quite the same as teh original...
Heh, turns out this version might be a little different afterall... I'd written a bit about the Jaden/Ace situtaion in the first draft, and the lack of contact as of late. As it would turn out, he called her today, and has been out in the field without his phone for a bit. So that sort of nullifies whatever I had to say on that issue. But brings up a different issue for me now... Being as its been a solid week and some change since i've had to deal with it... now that he's been gone for 2 weeks and they haven't talked... surely he won't be waiting till she gets out there from her flight to want to talk to her... So surely i can expect at least one, possibly three phone calls over the next three nights before thanksgiving.
How am I going to handle that? I've not had to deal with it in so long, i've gotten used to not having to worry about it, anticipate it, or dread it. This past four or five days has been pretty smooth and free-flowing between Jaden and I. Now how will that dynamic change if he starts wanting her time in the evening, again?
And on another front... she won't be taking her half-day tomorrow, due to the fact that she's taking friday/saturday off. And subsequently, the shops closed at noon on Wed. but, as it so now seems, she's been invited by co-workers to go videogaming at their place that afternoon... That afternoon being the last one I'll have to spend any time with her before she leaves for her parents place for thanksgiving, and from there she'll be flying out to see him.
And I know i don't have any right to stake claim on her time. So, i don't really have any right to expect or even request for that matter, that I get some time with her over the next handful of days... So... where might that leave me? Possibly Jaden deprived prior to her taking off... which i can only imagine will make the duration of her trip just that much more unbearable, for me...
In other news... It would turn out to seem as though Sundays are not a day that is condusive to blogging. Between the laundry, then the game, then salvaging any of the day after the game... it just doesn't seem probable for me to get much of anything done on the blog front. so rather than become frustrated in the future by this... i'm going to go ahead and make an excecutive decision and decide that sundays are exempt.
How was Sunday, though? A quick recap.... The Bears Won! This was a very good thing. Watched the game over at our friends' place... the ones that Jaden was at on sat night... so the game on the big screen was cool. we had a sort of pre-turkey day lunch with them, and it was pleasant enough... knowing what i knew from the night before i noticed a bit of the tension going on between the couple, and that wasn't so fun... but theres not much that can be done for that...
Im hoping that maybe spending some time hanging out with Jaden alone might help the misses of the house out... also hoping that maybe with some open communication and understanding the couple themselves might be able to work things out... its always hard to see any couple get into those sorts of situations... and especially hard when you know them... And i'm concerned for them, for sure... but at the same time i worry a bit about Jaden, because the last thing i think she needs right now is another friend in a crisis that she feel sthe need to help out... When i think what she really wants and needs is just some time to work on herself....
Time will tell on that one, i'm sure.
After the game though, movies. holy heck movies. hehe. We watched V for Vendetta, which was, as it always is, great. Just a classic, well acted, well written movie all around... And then, Flushed Away... a dreamworks film that for one reason or another i'd just not managed to get around to watching as of yet. It was cute enough and lightend up the post Vendetta mood nicely. However it ended on the edge of sleepiness, and while we tried to push for that third flick, Airplane, Jaden tapped out some ways into it. So we shifted into the bedroom and got down under the covers for the night...
And was she ever delightfully cuddlely. Though i did and still do worry about her a little bit, because towards the middle of the night she def seemed to exhibit the signs and symptoms i've come to relate to her being lost in dreamland... and from the sounds of it, it didn't seem all that good. Which, thinking about it that way, could have explained the cuddling of the morning... or it could not. i don't know, and don't worry about it all that much... it was just nice to be held and to hold her for a bit.
What else... What else was there....?
Oh, yes... Its monday. That means just four short days until Jadens gone... and I've yet to understand myself what i want to ask or say... Times ticking down quickly. And especially if she's going to be gaming on wed, its ticking down faster than i'd like...
But what is it that I'm really wanting to say?
Well, theres the obvious. I .want. to get down on my knees and beg her to take me back, so as to eliminate teh possibility of anything else going down out there on the coast. But we all know i won't do that. Because thats just not right.
What I want to tell her though? What I want to know in return? Well, what /i/ .want. doens't quite factor in here, I think... Not in any of the ways i truly would like it too... So its broken down into the simple facts...
I want to let her know, that I understand i don't have the attatchments to her I once did... but, at the same time, I am still at least an involved third party in whats about to transpire... and to ask her to try to keep that in mind, as much as she is able, at any rate. That I still have feelings for her, and I still care about her... and that even though those two things are very true, that I am also still her friend, and that that isn't about to change.
I do want to know if they're planning on spending the nights in the same hotel room. I think thats a fair enough question to ask. depending on how the moods flux between now and when i get the chance to have the conversation, i'd like to bring up that text message, if for nothing else but to find out if its going to be none of my business, jsut to get some closure on that end.
I keep trying to ask myself what i'm going to get out of any of this.... What is going to change or be better after i've said and brought these things up, because thats seeming to be the way or reason why it should happen... and while i can't seem to find an answer for it (which should mean i shouldn't even do it, if its not goign to help anything for anyone)...
Yet... even so, I can't seem to get any of the stuff off my mind, at least not permanatly, it always seems to find a way to creep back up on me. So if nothing else... I think i need to just get the words out of my head... verbally. Put them out into the air between us, and perhaps find some relief that way.
As far as the main titles concerned... From a perspective of the weekend and its events... I've gradually felt as though i've been getting closer to Jaden. And I cna't yet tell if its just the circumstances of the days and their events... Whether moving the furniture in had anything to do with it, cleaning out the closet together, or... if its purely coincidence... if its truth, or if its just another one of those pretty little pictures that i paint inside my head...
But i know i'd like it not to stop. And in the spirit of winging it, and not over-thinking ever minute detail... I'm not going to stop it. If it becomes to much for her... if it becomes inappropriate to her. She'll have to let me know. She'll have to tell me to cool off the longing gazes, and sizing her up. She'll have to tell me to stop sitting so close to her on the couch, to stop rubbing her feet, to stop slapping her butt when she presents me the oppurtunity... and all the other little things that make me feel as though i'm falling in love all over again, day after day.
This month starts a mark of more tests to come... Because it was this month that she and I started to develop into more than freinds, last year. The first weekend in Nov was her halloween party... When i drove up to Ames to see her and hang out for the first time in a year or so... And not two weekends later, She came down to my place for a weekend... and thats when the first sheets wrinkled... and then each subsequent weekend after that, here or there, or just over the phone or facebook... back and forth we grew closer, and closer. Thanksgiving day, 3 days away... i wrecked my car and was nearly devastated... because that weekend i was supposed to go up and see her again!And so on and so forth as the story went. And I find myself now, at random times during the day, suddenly remembering where i was last year on this day at this time or that. And its almost crippling, at times, to compare it to now.
But all of that is niether here or there... just the workings of my ever busy imagination and thought process, doing their best to haunt me with all these bittersweet memories. I've just gots to keep driving on, and not give up on hope. Hope and Faith are the only thigns i've got left, at this point, to count on. So hope I will.
That everything has happened and will continue to happen for a reason, and that when all things are said and done... the dust will settle on a pleasant outcome. I truly hope that it will...
On a side note, sounds like Jadens day has been a not so fun one. :( which is too bad. Hopefully tonight can make up for that somehow... dinner and heroes at the least... We'll see how things go.
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