So she's there, now. Out on the coast. In the car with Ace. Texts have dried up, as she said they would. I'm now on the outside, looking in. And its a long look from 20 some odd hours away. The rest of today... All of tomorrow, and nearly all of Sunday. She'll be with him. They're supposed to be talking tonight, about the past. How that will end and phase into sleep in the barracks is something i can't bring myself to think about, right now. Tomorrow... well, depending on how tonight goes will probably dictate when tomorrow starts... I know she mentioned something about an 'outing' night planned... Judging by precedence i'd say that probably means out to a club somewhere. Dancing. She really likes to do that. They'll probably go clubbing, its what they used to do... familiar. Probably end up somewhere for an early morning supper... then that night will end, someway, too... Then sunday, Sunday will probably end up being a close quarters day, clingy if you will... Talks about the present, about hsi deployment... about the future... if i had to venture a guess.... His leave ends round 6 or 8.... can't remember which... So she'll probably either be getting picked up by her friend out there then, or he'll be dropping her off. *shrugs* either way i might get a few texts in before she goes into talk mode with ther friend... and in all reality itll probably be well into tuesday, maybe her drive home, before i get into steady communication with her again...
I should have know, and part of me thinks i did... but i didn't really think it was going to be this rough. I can only hope and pray i have enough distractions lined up to make it through without fatally deep scars. Beause I can feel the razors edges of these menacing thoughts already cutting into me. I don't know if she understands just how hard of a position this is for me to be in or not... But i also know that even if she does, that alone wouldn't have been enough for her to reconsider. Which is why i didn't even bother talking to her about it to that extent. Its better for her and everyone but me if she can go through the weekend without worrying herself about me.
Its just left to see how many pieces i end up in on tuesday, and what sort of shape i'll be in after i pick them all up. I won't be forgetting the 2nd of Dec anytime soon, either, I think.
Well, i've got like 4 days worth of mail here because of the holiday, that i need to sort... I should really get started on it... I'm sure i'll have more to fill in later.
home now... again its so quiet, so empty... and now that I know she's with him, its all that I can possibly think about. The two of them, alone in the car, heading back towards his barracks, or wherever it is that they might be going. Can you spell jealous? Because I am... But moreso than just jealous... I'm frightened, threatened, scared, intimidated, nervous and hurt.
And those are emotions that are hard enough to be on their own, much less all together like i feel them now.
I'm so hungry... maybe eating will help. I've got to clear my mind somehow... Or i'm going to tear myself apart with these thoughts and fears...
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