15 minutes and she'll be home... so this one will have to be quick...
here I was yesterday just thinking to myself that it was rediculous that i just keep blogging about her on here and that i needed to diversify and start blogging about other stuff in life instead...
well...
that went well.
sigh
facing fears... its hard to read her latest entry and the tone of the words, and not feel a wrench in my gut... and an inpending tidal wave of change on the horizon...
Is she finally giving up and deciding to get back with him, and facing her fear is breaking that to me? its an extreme scenario... but, i can't say it wouldn't be at least close to par for the course lately, right?
Or is it about her job search and the pains of school loans and facing her fears that way?
What does it mean, is it nothing? Just the crappy weather today?
If she gets back with him, i realized why its hitting me so hard... it'll mean she's left me for nothing. because things with him were worse off than things with me and her ever were. she wasn't just not happy, there was genuine dissent, arguments, disagreements at least... things weren't .working. even.
thats just a random thought though... doesnt' have anything to do with now... not yet, anyway...
i've known from the start theres only two ways all this ends... me happy and back together with her, or heart break.
if we don't get back together it'll mean i've only prolonged the heartbreak... but... even with that, the degree of which is yet to be determined... My only true stipulation for it all... no matter what turns out to be the case... is that she doesn't leave my life.... that would most certainly be the final nail in the proverbial coffin.
So what do i do now? having rEAD her blog... knowing that she's got some sort of conflicting thoughts or something bugging her...
What about this evening that i'd planned out for us? i'll have to wait and see what she's like when she comes home, yeah? but what then? if she's fine and dandy? does that mean she's already over it all, or that she's just covering it for my sake, knowing i was in such a good mood today?
Do i bring it up? risking the rest of the night on my paranioa and curiousity? Or do i just bury it deep inside and enjoy my night, hoping it doesn't come back and bite me in the ass later?
And why now? Why is it souch a back and forth adn up and down thing?
Why can we go out grocery shopping and joking and giggling and having a great time last night... and all of a sudden not 12 hours later somethins up? and something sounding so big and looming if i'm reading right her blog....?
How does that happen?
sometimes I wonder if she and i are really even in the same room at times... i'm so confused as to how i can have the perceptions that i do about what and how things are, and it always seems as if i'm completely wrong. That i'm delusional. I make it all up?
I can't agree with that. I'm not delusional...
A bleeding heart maybe, who hangs on too hard, too long, too often... btu not delusional... Not me.
and yet... I can feel as if we're having a blast one night, and within moments of reading a blog, wonder if she's about to drop an atomic bomb on me in the next instant?
I don't think i'm making any sense anymore... Wondering if i did at all this whole blog, honestly...
I was just too shocked after reading what i read... didn't see it coming... whether or not it is what i fear...
*sighs*
Why can't life be more like the books and movies... everything working out somehow, someway, in the end... A few warm and heartfelt words, a strong embrace, that loving kiss, and things are all shiny again.
Cause this is the real world. thats why.
Oi... what am I going to do about all of this. 2 minutes... best be off i suppose... get dressed, think about supper... see what happens when she gets home. don't think i like fridays so much anymore... or the fall...
bye
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment