Revilations, So little so late

So there it goes again, huh? The loopity loop of the rollercoaster. I just can't seem to ever shake this cycle. Spent ALL of last nights shift sitting at my desk or walking around on patrol just going over and over and over again in my head of how I needed to convince her that we should still be together.

I just don't understand it. I know that I just have to wait. Just have to be patient and hope for the best. So why does this still keep happening? Why do i sit there all night wrong trying to come up with the right words to say? Why do i seem to think that it would matter, what I said? Like my words could somehow change her mind?

And then I try to remind myself, that its not just the me and her, thats led to this situation. She's got her own issues that she needed to be alone to work out... and I've got mine. But still, even reminding myself of that, my mind and heart keep going. Keep going and going and going until i've got nothing left but a stomach ache and shot nerves.

I just get so nervous... So anxious... that shes never going to look at me again, the way she used to. That when all is said and done, I'm never going to get to take her in my arms, kiss her on the lips, and tell her how much i love her, ever again...

And these are things that i keep trying to tell myself I have no control of... They're either going to happen or they aren't... but theres really nothing I can do to change it... Yet the thoughts still haunt me... nearly daily.

Can I make it through this? It can be so debilitating, Will I make it until whatever end comes? I just don't really know anymore.

Thanksgiving is coming up, and all i can do is remember her and I in Jersey and New York, we were so happy last year. It had been the first time we'd been able to see each other since She'd graduated basic and gone to AIT. And it had been the first time we'd been able to be alone with each other since she had left for basic in June. Nothing could have been better then...

And Christmas is coming up after that... And then her birthday in Jan, Valentines day in Feb... my birthday in March... All those memories... And all these special days... That should be spent with her... Because she's my special someone.

I want to tell her how I feel. I want to tell her about what I've been thinking about... How I've started to realize what I let happen to myself out in Jersey... And How I've learned from it. I want to tell her that I've always loved her, and Always will. Want to tell her how I want us to get married, how I want us to have two little rascals of boys, and one pretty little girl... A house in the suburbs somewhere and a happy family. And I want to tell her how she's the only person in the world that I feel i could do those things with...

But I can't. Can I? I just told her last week I was going to lay off the texting... I was going to stop pushing for us, and I was going to be her friend first. Even though I told her then my feelings for her hadn't changed. So I can't tell her all this now... It would completely negate what I said just a week ago... But then... What If these might be the words she needs to hear? What if they could be the key?

Thats foolish, dumb, wishful thinking I know. Maybe it was that shooting star I saw last night thats got me believing in miracles right now. I'm not really sure. I know I truly do Wish things would change. With all my heart and soul I wish I could open up to her, to show her just how much i truly do, sincerely care about her, and how much I truly do love her. And How truly truly sorry I am for what I let happen.

And thats just it. I let it happen. I let the medics out on my deployment change me. I let them influence me more than the person who meant the most in the world to me, and it cost us both dearly. I let those medics bring out the qualities of the person I was when I was in college. The person I joined the army to change. Ironic, isn't it? That it would be Army Medics that would bring back those not so great qualites that basic and AIT stripped away from me? And thats why things went the way they did.

I understand it now. The drinking, the partying, the lack of discipline, the setting I found myself in was like that of college, and these medics, I let the influence my decisions. Let them change me. Until i was that guy i joined the army to stop being. And That is why when that girl called me up, I didn't see her as she is now. And I didn't see me as I am now... I saw me then, and her then, and the feelings that I had for her then, were the ones that clouded up my mind. The ones that made me doubt, the ones that caused me to freak out so much that I did that stupid, idiotic thing i did by ignoring my ex.

I never stopped loving my ex, or caring about her. And she was always the only one for me. Those feelings i had weren't true, but at the time i couldn't see that, couldn't understand that, and it caused me to act stupidly.

I know now, I can't ever let anyone influence who I am. Ever again. I'm just so tremendously sorry that it took this much pain and suffering for me to understand and to learn that lesson.

My ex talked about how she felt she didn't really know me anymore... And now I know what she meant. And the thing is, I AM the person she fell in love with. That person really is ME. and I am that person again. And I'm NEVER going to let someone change that, ever again. I just wish there was some way for me to be able to show her that. To let her know that the person she fell in love with is still here, and always has been. And I just wish there was some way for me to convince her of my conviction to never let anything change me again.

All these wishes though... Whole lotta good they'll do me, right? I need to talk to her... next week I want to ask her about her. I need to know what she's going through, what shes thinking about, what she's feeling. I need to know her side. Maybe then I'll understand a little more about our situation... maybe then i could explain to her what i've realized, what i've understood, and hoe i feel?

I hope tonight goes a little better than last night... And the rest of the week too. And now i just can't wait for tuesday to get here... So that I can try and see if she's willing to let me in, if she'll let me see how she's doing, if she'll open up and let me show her my true self and feelings...

Till next time...