So, been on a roller coaster here lately... Up and then Down. Twirled about and flipped around. I did great last night... after making a fool out of myself to her yesterday morning. Work went fine... I was ok with things for almost 6 hours... and then when the clock rolled over to about 5am... thats when it started to come back. The pain, the missing her, the regrets, the wishing i could go back... And then it was a teeter totter after that. I did my best to snap out of it, to shake it off, and distract myself with somethign else, but it was tough... the night before last was the worst... I couldn't shake it all night... mostly cause of the top friends thing, well that was what started it anyway... But the whole shift i was just stuck on her and us... and couldn't get my mind and heart away from it. It made the eight hour shift feel like forever... i was shocked at how fast last night went in comparison...
But this is the way i think its going to be... so long as i refuse to give up on us... I think this rollercoaster will be there. Because no matter how smoothly my life may start rolling (with any luck) i'm going to be plagued by the memories... or i'm going to notice something on her page, or she might say something, or someone else may say something... as long as i'm leaving myself open to the fact that i still love her and want to be with her, i think i'm going to be willingly subjecting myself to these waves and episodes of hurt.
I guess time will just tell, if i can handle it, or if i will break... In the end I feel it will be worth it... as long as i can make it through... I'm just so afraid that If i close off. If i stop hoping, if I allow myself to become only her friend and force myself to stop loving her the way i do now... I'm afraid that that will be it... The last thread being cut... I feel like if i do that, then there won't be any hope left for us... as a couple...
I don't know... I'm going to see a friend of mine this weekend. she's always been the person i've gone to for advice... for long talks... when i just needed someone to say, i understand... We'll see what my mind-set is like next week after i talk to her... because I asked my ex... (thats right... I'm finally using that word... not gf, but ex...) I asked her this morning in a text if there was anyway we could get together next week sometime... Hopefully we can... and hopefully i'll have a better idea of where i'm at and where I stand... because i want to talk to her...
I want to talk to her, and clarify exactly what we are trying to work for in this friendship... because as i've stated... she doesn't call me, or text me, or message me without my initiation right now... And she's made no attempts to plan any sort of get-togethers, or anything of that nature... And frankly, those are things that friends do. If she wants us to be friends, and good friends, like we were before... we have to spend time together, we have to talk to each other. She had said before she needed to know she could trust me. Needed to get to know the real me (once i figured out who that was) but if she never calls to talk to me, or tell me about whats going on in her life, or anything like that... I jsut don't see how i can show her i'm here... or show her who i am...
But, alas, i need to get some sleep so i can get up this evening and head back into work...
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