three blogs in a row, you can tell that this months not starting out so well, huh?
Nothing real major this time around, just trying to chase away some of these stray thoughts that won't seem to leave the back of my mind right now. She said no to this tuesday... for coffee that is. Not a big deal i suppose, she's got work and school and her own life going on, so its understandable that shes busy.
And i can't expect her to *make* time for me, anymore, i guess. Since we're just friends and all. She said maybe next week, so hopefully she means that and wasn't just being polite about it. Because i truly feel that its important for us to stay in some form of regular contact... if not for my own selfish reasons of wanting to see her and the fact that i might lose my mind if i don't get the chance to see and tlak to her every so often... I just feel like if theres going to be any real chance of us putting our friendship back together we have to be able to have some regular interaction to gauge each other and get to know each other again.
Regardless of any implications of a relationship revival in the future, i feel its simply essential to the friendship that we have the chance to see and talk to each other and bounce things back and forth between each other. Theres just no other way that we would be able to get to know each other as we get to know ourselves. We're going to be changing, and rapidly. As we are by ourselves and focusing on ourselves and what we need to do in our lives, many many changes are going to be happening very quickly. and if we aren't tlaking to each other and seeing each other then those changes are going to pile up and become harder and harder to adjust to.
I don't know. really. I just wish every day that i could take her hands in mine and look into her eyes and tell her exactly how i feel. To tell her how much I need her in my life and how much I miss her everyday. And to promise her with everything i am that I will make things right, and i will be the man she needs me to be and that together we will be the best that we ever were and better, and that all she needs to do is give us that chance. And i wish every day that my words and my feelings and my heart could convice her that that is true... That looking into my eyes and feeling my hands holding hers would show her once again just how much we mean to each other and just how happy we make each other feel... And I wish this, every night that this day would come tomorrow. Let tomorrow be that day, that things finally become right again in our lives...
But I know better than to invest myself in these fantasies. Because its been coldly proven to me that there is no hint of a garuntee in this regard. Theres not even a flicker of a possibility being talked abotu right now from her side of things. And that hurts. It truly hurts me to think that she wakes up, goes through her day, and goes back to sleep at night without missing me... without thinking about me... without longing for me as I do for her... But I guess it should hurt, right? I don't know, but I know it does... It hurts so much to think that I may spend the rest of my life missing her and thinking about her... and thinking that she'll be fine without me... Could it be, that she's perfect for me, but I'm not perfect for her?
Would fate be so cruel? to introduce me to someone who makes me happier and more loved than anyone else in the world, and then take her away and not make her need me as I need her? Could that really be? Could that really happen? Can someone be perfect for you but not need you at all? Can someone be your true love but not love you back? Could I spend the rest of my life cursing myself for letting her get away, while she goes on with her life without needing to look back?
I surely hope not...
Gotta pick the sis up from school...
Hopefully after that i'll be able to sleep...
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