Unsure

Things had been going ok... Kind of... I called her last night on my way to work... and we talked for almost the whole way there. She sounded happy... We were getting along. Things seemed to be good... I thought... I was happy. She answered when i called, and we'd actually talked. I'd mentioned maybe we could hang out sometime after her class at the college, since i work near there a couple hours after she gets done with class, and she seemed to at least be ok with the idea...

So i worked... and it was pretty good. Got plenty of excersize walking the warehouse... and my mind was occupied... didn't think a whole lot... and then i came home today... had a daydream about us getting back together (a regular occurence these days) and then i got home... Hopped onto facebook, and what did i find?

Her top friends... updated. I'd been demoted... From first to seventh... and a guy... from our unit... one that i'd gotten the sick stomach feeling about before, he's been added to her top friends now... I'm over-reacting and I know it. And theres nothing i can do about anything anyway... so it makes no sense to get upset about it...

So why am I?

Is it because i haven't demoted her from my top friends first position? Is it because I can't? Is it because things went so nicely last night... that i tricked myself... Did i set myself up for this by creating some sort of false hope?

I'm not sure what it is... but i know I hurt. I hurt... I hurt every day. *sighs*

I sent a message to our mutual best friend... and i feel horrible about it. I've tried these past three weeks to leave her out of it... i don't want to put her into that position... but i did today. its done... I can't go back and change it... I feel bad. Its not her fault that I messed up... Its not her fault that my gf broke up with me... And its not her fault that i can't handle things...

I shouldn't have sent it to her... I had no right... Maybe she'll just ignore it... like my gf seems to be ignoring the last few messages that i've sent her....

I don't know... But i can feel that sickness starting to come back to my stomach all of a sudden... That anxiety that i'd finally seemed to get rid of... I'm feeling it coming back now... Is she getting over me?

I want her to get better... I want her to be successful in working on the issues that she needs to work on... But... Is she getting over me, too? Is she going to leave me behind? when she's better? Is she already working on that, too? Is she getting ready to move on with her life? To go off in that new direction, without me?

Oh god i hope not... I don't know what i'll do if that happens... If she ends up with someone else... And I end up all alone... Would I still be able to be her friend, then? Or would it just hurt too much? Not something i should think about, i suppose... since i can't control it... but still...

I should try and sleep, it was a long day at work and i've got four more to make it through yet this week...