Nightmare

So... its been three weeks now. Its still so hard to believe. Definitely not ok... The sailing got a little smoother last week, but the past couple days have been really rough... Had a real bad dream/nightmare a couple days back... Really shook me up.

I'd been doing pretty good at leaving her alone, especially while she was out of town last weekend, but this week has been real hard, especially after that nightmare... all my thoughts and feelings rushed back to the surface and i wanted to call her and tell her about it, and tell her again that i missed her so much and missed us so much and that i wasn't ok... It took all my willpower to not do it.

Started working friday night... wasn't too bad, but the people i was working with both nights seemed to feel that it was necessary to tell me their entire life history... and being nice as i am i listened and talked back... which managed to consistently bring up all sorts of memories of times spent with her, or apart from her while we were together, which just fed into the sink hole my hearts found itself in this weekend... working at night all i could do was look up into the stars and think about exactly how lonely i really am...

its come down to it, that, my new go to friend has become my little sister. Which is good in a way, because we are developing a closer relationship because of it... but at the same time its not so good, because... well, she's my sister... My old guy friends, that i had before i deployed don't ever call or text anymore... Whenever they do stuff, they don't let me know... seems like they've moved on without me... Haven't had them return a call or text either... so, i'm pretty much out of luck there...

The only other friends i've got are mine and hers mutual best friend, and her cousin, both of whom live over thirty minutes away, and either work or have school all week, and have their own friends on the weekends too.

She's returning my texts... sort of. Tried to call the other night but no answer, and she doesn't seem like she wants to talk right now... I'm not sure if its just the bad place i've found my emotions in right now, or what... but i'm getting the feeling like she's sorta boxing me out...

I've lost the impression of being a friend... and I definitely feel alot more like the annoying ex-boyfriend who keeps bothering her and can't take the hint that she doesn't want anything to do with him anymore... And thats a feeling thats getting stronger and harder to shake... And i don't like it...

Because I'm trying. I'm trying to do what she asked of me. I'm trying to be a friend. Trying to stifle the rest of me that wants everything else, trying to not call or text too much... doing my best to keep everything i say as neutral as possible... And I feel like all thats happening is she's getting more and more used to life without me, while all i'm getting is more and more depressed and upset and heartbroken...

*sighs* I just don't know... I don't know what to do... She's super busy next week, so theres no way i'm going to get a chance to see her, even if she'd agree to it at this point... And i don't think i'll be able to call, either... So that will make it a full two weeks since i'd seen or talked to her, and having drill this coming weekend she'll have to play catchup with school and work after that... so its probably going to be another couple of weeks before the chance will even surface enough for me to bring it up and ask about it...

I just... This is so hard. Its so hard to feel this way... To be in this position, to love her, and need her, and want her, and miss her... And to have her not needing me... and to know that I caused it... To know that its my fault... That my poor decisions and assholish behavior is the reason that i'm hurting like this... To know that I hurt her... And hurt her enough that she left me... And its because of that that I feel the way i do...

I feel so worthless. So much like i'm wasting space and air... Like i don't matter. She doesn't need me. Its obvious. She's doing just fine without me. But i'm a wreck. I'm a complete mess and things aren't getting any better or easier with time. I've come to the point now, where i've begun to think to myself, that maybe i should just let her go. Maybe its better for her that way... She's doing fine. She seems happy. I catch myself thinking about it. thinking should i let her be? Stop hoping or dreaming that someday she'll take me back? Let her go find someone else... who won't hurt her like I did?

Those thoughts hurt the worst... Because its the last thing that I want. I want to be with her... I need to be with her... I love her... But its painfully obvious that she doesn't need me. And who am I fooling to think that when she gets better... When she works through what she needs to work through on her own... Who am i fooling to think that she'll want to come back to ME?

I don't know what to do or think anymore... I just want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep, and never wake up again. Driving home from work today, i thought about just drifting off the highway... It was probably the most selfish thing i've ever thought... But i can't deny the fact that it crossed my mind. It wouldn't be fair to my family... To my little sister, or my mother... and it wouldn't be fair to her... But I thought about it... and i've thought about it before, too. More so lately...

*sighs*

I feel like i'm waiting for a sign... of some kind... But I'm terrified of what that sign might be, and what it might be telling me...